A few entertaining quotes that struck my fancy:
"Don't take your life too seriously. You'll never get out alive."
"A word to the wise isn't necessary, it's the stupid ones that need advice."
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique like everyone else."
"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
"How many people here have telepathic powers? Raise my hand."