I feel that I’m in that kind of strange mood I get sometimes, so maybe it’s not a good idea to write a blog entry now, but I think I have to do that. Even though I have a feeling that I should calm down first. Anyway.
I make a lot of mistakes. I know that people here are very forgiving and friendly, but still I have to admit that I’m nowhere near perfect. If I do something wrong, I don’t do it because I planned it. Rather, the reason has usually something to do with me either not knowing or not thinking enough about it.
For the sake of being exact and understandable, let’s elaborate through an example – a very clear example. I have learned that I can create a lot of characters if I’m not extremely careful. It happens without any logical reason again and again. Usually there are a few weeks between each new character concept, but sometimes it’s only about a few days. I suppose that factor relies on what I do, how creative or bored or busy I am. Fortunately, most of those characters are archived instead of posted up. Some of them are just copies of other characters I like, be it out of RPGs, books, comics, even real life. When I accidentally post up one of those characters, I usually realize my mistake rather quickly and immediately move them towards inactivity. I know it’s a bad habit. I know I should know better. Sometimes my creative energy is put into the wrong projects. Maybe I need that as some kind of balance, a distraction from all the serious stuff and pressure.
Because, yes, I am very good at putting pressure on myself! I think that this is also why I can’t produce 100 posts a month like others do (you know who I mean ). I’d be really glad if I could. Activity means very much to me – and still, I often fail at it. Perhaps some of you don’t even notice it, but I fail regularly. Every time I have enough time to post, but don’t do it. (I have more free time than you might think.) Every time I have enough ideas to start an article, but don’t do it. My inner censor has come up with a couple of excellent methods of avoiding posting. Thread stalking, hanging out in chat, writing up new characters, you get the idea.
Oh, I have a feeling that we get to the point of the whole thing. My inner censor is my worst critic! I think this is also the reason why I sometimes don’t know how to treat criticism from others – which results in pointless explanations and requests for suggestions, ideas etc. Perhaps it’s some kind of “show me that you’re better or shut up”-attitude, a defense mechanism. I can’t seem to let go of it. Such situations usually end with me taking the offered suggestions or doing nothing at all. I can be an escape person. And I’m an extreme pacifist. I favor understanding over forcing one’s will onto someone else. I favor harmony over conflict (which, by the way, is the reason of the funny fact that I can write hundreds of words about unnecessary details).
This entry is merely a try to help you understand me better. This weekend a lot has been going on here. I’m almost glad that I can return to school tomorrow – almost. I really need some time away. But I want you to know that I’m really doing my best and don’t want to hurt anyone. This is also a try to avoid repeated, perhaps unnecessary explanations to everyone in private. I know that the people who talked to me this weekend also know what I’m talking about here.