| Mizahar | |
http://www.mizahar.com/forums/blog/Malia/i_feel_trapped_b-56.html |
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| Author: | Malia [ November 29th, 2009, 10:07 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | I Feel Trapped |
This is just a little rambling to get things off my head before I go to bed (much too late already). I originally intended to send a PM to Jen, but I thought I'd rather write a small blog entry so other people can comment on it too. I've learned that taking advice is more helpful than just pondering over the question on one's own. ![]() So, there's this other RPG (you know which one I mean - should I mention the name or not?). I've been playing it for a little longer than a year now, in different guises, even as a mod. Concern #1: Many moderators of that game have retired recently and it is really sad and depressing to see more and more cities decreasing in activity. It seems like there are less people who enjoy the game, less people who actually stay at one place and enjoy playing with other people there because they are used to and really like each other's writing. Of course there are exceptions - and there are great! But they remind me of how many more cities there were a few months or so ago. It makes me really sad. And while I've been trying to help with modding, I simply can't stand the pressure any more. As a mod of that game, you have many many more threads than as a mod of Mizahar, because it's so huge. Even when you come to a city that's not so active - when there's a mod there's usually a bunch of players around them who need attention. And I can't give them enough attention or the kind of attention they deserve. Maybe it's a matter of finding the right place. The problem is that I have problems finding that place because there's so much history and remains from someone else lying around that you need to consider and build upon. If I'd have the chance to create a new city and mod it, I'd totally jump in and do it! But I dislike the organizational stuff that doesn't really interest me. How can I mod threads I'm not interested in? Some training threads are like that. Ah, maybe it's the age-old problem of mine: I can't say no. I should probably practice ... Okay, that pretty much was the first concern. Concern #2 which actually is not as big as the 1st one: I already mentioned that I've been around at that site for approximately one year - in different guises. Let me think ... I've had four PCs there, one is still active. I hope that she'll remain active though. Right now there's an idea for another PC, and while I've tried to feed a story rather than RP with her adventures, it doesn't really work out. She wants to be RPed. She wants to be RPed at that particular game. So egoistic of her! Despite the fact that I decided to keep a single PC because basically not everyone is allowed to have several PCs at the same time. That problem keeps popping up in front of me and demanding a decision. It's annoying ... but unavoidable. I keep dividing my attention when I'm bored and retiring PCs when I feel that I've overdone it. From one extreme to the other, so it seems. Is there any solution, any kind of 'right' way? I hope that you can help me. And you don't have to worry about me, I'm not depressed, just bored and annoyed and a bit sad for that game and trying to avoid the thought that I have to attend school tomorrow. XD On another note for Jen: It's really sad that you left that game. Right now I'm reading the ooc thread of your previous city and feeling all melancholic about what huge amounts of creative, inspiring and exciting posts and writeups you managed to produce back then. Mizahar is still too new to have that many different aspects and possibilities - although I hope that it'll grow steadily and help wherever I can. I'm just sad because the old times are over and never come back. |
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| Author: | Gossamer [ November 30th, 2009, 2:46 am ] |
Malia- I'm going to take the time to slowly and painfully one-handedly respond to your blog just because its you and because you originally meant this as a PM. I don"t mind talking openly about your problems too because they are problems I understand. Truly. I gave three years to the place you speak of... that is tens of thousands of hours w/out a doubt. And I took one big lesson from putting in the time. Out of every ten people that demanded my time and attention only about one appreciated it. Only about .1 of those that appreciated it gave back - either to others or to me personally. I still call those .1 folks friends. The whole truth is that site revolves around guilt. It collects money based on guilt. It collects Mods via guilt. It even collects players via the same way. Can you even remotely hear that guilt echoed in your own thoughts in this blog? I'm so totally over motivation via guilt and being drained dry w/out getting anything back. That is why Mizahar exists. Its safe here to be YOU without being guilty. Without Tarot, H, Liminal, Mish, and Gillar... all giving to each other and taking as much as they needed back. We wouldn't exist. Its the foundation that counts. And because of that foundation we have some incredible family members.... yes family. Because thats how you grow something that you do out of love. Laugh at me... Call me a cheeseball... but this game is a labor of love. And because of that love I got to share NaNo w/folks like you. I got to know a great video guy who reminds me daily about family values and love. I have a friend I delight in hearing about his little nancys adventures and shes only 5/6ish. I get to see a feisty Philippino woman w/a wonderful politician as an aunt and who shares great recipes off youtube. I've sweated w/someone over a thesis that I just know will be accepted. My good friend got pregnant w/his wife.... and so on. I can't care about a cycle of self destruction on another game that is solely because it has a leader who cares more about a buck than a soul. Souls drive these sorts of games. And no matter how hard you fight you can't keep something afloat unless your willing to give all w/out any guarantee that you'll get something back. And believe me... you need something back. You deserve it. I gave up my favorite character ever to leave that place. It was a sacrifice well worth it. I found a family here... or one found me. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. And without guilt. And since you asked... I wouldn't perpetuate the guilt w/another PC. You are only one person.... and your current Mod thing plus PC deserve all the attention you can spare w/out splitting it again. But someday, if you don't already know this... which I suspect you already do... you'll realize you can't save it. When that day hit for me, I made a few phonecalls and started the wheels churning in others heads about answering the one question we needed to answer.... "There is no where else to go." We fixed that issue. And its only been a few months... give us a year and then we'll hopefully have something to show. We're just getting started. Guilt free. Fuss free. Profit free... and I've never has such fun in my life. My biggest wish for you, Malia, is a future like that. |
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| Author: | Tarot [ November 30th, 2009, 9:34 am ] |
I hope I can add a few comments of my own! ![]() I joined that game in 2002, and played off and on until earlier this year. At one time or another, I covered pretty much every staff position available, from the lowest to the highest (highest you can get without being the owner's yes-man, that is). You can say many things about me, but I certainly don't lack loyalty or dedication. While Jen was our frontwoman, I enjoyed working behind the curtains. I tried my best to defuse bombs before they blew up in everyone's faces. We tried to develop new concepts to refresh the game a little. Jen mentioned guilt. I will add 'compromise'. That site is built on guilt and compromise. Maybe it's not clearly visible on the surface, but positions are crystallized and changing anything - literally anything - is incredibly difficult. There are lobbies and interests and "good old boys" systems that reek of RL politics. Notice the key word is always 'balance'. It comes up whenever someone introduces a new idea. There's an amount of negotiation to make the Iran nuclear talks pale in comparison as perceived 'experts' and latter-day 'experts' throw their weight and post counts around. I could add 'fear' as a word, too, but I'm not going there in public. ![]() Look at it this way: as soon as we left, some people steadily begun work on undoing anything we'd ever done - decapitating the old emperor's statue, so to speak, and they did so with poorly concealed glee. In the name of balance and continuity, of course, and to fix problems that had never once arisen as long as we had been in office. I kind of laughed when I saw that my old post's job description was changed to indicate the opposite of what I had been. More power to them, I guess. There are far more unpleasant things I could mention, but then I'd turn this comment into something it shouldn't be. I do miss the characters and threads I once had there, but that site stressed me out in a way that not even my PhD thesis could. I lost sleep over it and its countless troubles. Even my family noticed the difference when I left - I was much more calm and relaxed. In the end, it wasn't worth it anymore. My old PCs' personalities may see the light of day again in some other guise, sooner or later. Maybe in Mizahar, maybe in a novel, somewhere. In the end, we all have to do what's best for us. I know we did the right thing leaving back then, because the bad things outweighed the good ones. Mizahar is a little corner of the web, to be sure. Here, though, no-one has to devote ten (10) hours per week to moderation. People's mileages may vary. I really hope you can find your balance, Vanessa, here and there and everywhere. Every place can be enjoyable or hellish depending on your needs and expectations. My one piece of advice: don't let anyone push you around - especially when you just want to have some fun. |
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| Author: | Liminal [ November 30th, 2009, 11:52 am ] |
Goss and Tarot already said it better than me, but it's really true that after a while, it becomes impossible to give in a setting where nothing is ever given back. I used to agonize over all the drama...now I just write stories. Which is all I ever really wanted to do anyway. That said, I do miss my old PC, whose story stopped just at its climax. Her story needs to be finished, and it was extremely difficult to walk away. But there was a point where I realized that her story could be continued beyond the confines of the site, and I do think I'll be able to finish it eventually. It's painful, very much so, to pull out of any creative endeavor...but when a hobby starts causing you stress instead of providing rejuvination, maybe it's not a hobby worth keeping anymore. Just my 2 cents ^_^ |
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| Author: | Malia [ November 30th, 2009, 5:24 pm ] |
I hope typing that answer for me hasn't caused much pain, Jen! Hopefully you're better soon. Thank you very much for giving your opinion to that difficult topic - everyone! I see what you mean although I won't call it 'guilt' myself. Perhaps something similar to Tarot's 'compromise' ... I think I'd call it 'pressure', because for me it is pressure. Anyway, you've helped me a lot.
These are the keywords, in my opinion. Apparently the best decision is to keep working on Mizahar to improve it. |
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