My alarm went off at seven in the morning. I awoke unwillingly and hungover. I did not want to get up, I wanted this hour to never end. Once I got up, showered and out the door it would mean that it was true. Finally, realizing the inevitable I got out of bed. My apartment was cluttered with bottles of beer and wine- which explains my hangover. I had spent the prior night getting smashed, hanging out with Scott as we watched a movie to pass the time. After he went to bed I went to drink by the railroad tracks behind my house, called up my sister and brother-in-law. What we exactly talked about, I don't know, I just know there was a fair amount of yelling and carrying on. My friend Kate called and I think I continued my yelling, I was angry I had called her in the afternoon to hang out and it was now 10. I was projecting my grief and I hope now that I didn't say anything too terrible. Finally, feeling too sick to finish my last beer- I tossed it at a nearby parked train and it shattered.

For all my feet dragging I was going to be early getting to Colin's house. There was not much to get ready- shirt, tie, slacks, the clothes on my back. I grabbed my stuff, ate a yogurt, dropped off a couple bills in the mailbox and I was out the door. I drove by Colin's house and decided to get gas first as my final ploy at avoiding the inevitable. At eight I pulled up to their house, walked up to their door, took a deep breath and knocked.

We were going to say farewell to our friend Nick.

The drive was long and hot. My AC in the van had pooped out and we sat sweating listening to music and a couple podcasts. We chatted a little, trading a few Nick stories, mostly keeping things superficial until we got to Arlington Heights were Nick's service was. The truth was we were both probably numb with pain, saving ourselves for this day that no one saw coming. We had steeled ourselves years prior for news of this sort but Nick had got through his baptism by fire and was excelling to what we all knew what he could become. It was all terribly unfair. He had put on his headphones Sunday afternoon, sat down in his chair and didn't wake up.

We found out Tuesday afternoon- the grapevine was buzzing as the news spread like wildfire. Dustin called me at about one thirty in the afternoon. It was my day off, I was watching Ghost in the Shell and considering walking to Izzy's to get an ice cream cone. I heard the phone go off in the next room and I was too late finding it. I saw that he called and thought maybe Dusty wanted to hang out and play some video games. So I called and he told me. Nick was dead, he just heard from Caleb, and he was trying to get a hold of Colin. In shock I told Dusty that I would track Colin down and tell him and that we would get together later.

I got him at work and had to tell him over the phone. I told him I was coming over to pick him up right away. In a panic I jumped onto the internet- what if Dusty was wrong? What if this all was a terrible misunderstanding? But I found a post from his old work's site that confirmed the news- he was really dead. I picked Colin up, cried, went to the liquor store, and drove back to his house. There was a lot to orchestrate- work had to be covered and my Associate Coordinator was coming in town. Honestly, I didn't give a shit if Crandle was coming but I had to make sure that my department was taken care of. I called around, asked favors, switched shifts and got that all taken care of. Everybody at work stepped up, came in on their days off, and really had our backs.

Toby and Dusty came over, Erin got home from work. We drank and went through old pictures and remembered. Honestly the weight from my shoulders lifted that night as it felt good to be around old friends from Illinois. We laughed and told stories, sorting out what pictures we wanted to be scanned. The memories came flooding back but they were good ones and they warmed me as I remembered the days when we were all together and all of us were alive. I spent the next day at work trying to keep it together. I cried in the cooler, I gnashed my teeth at my boss, I snapped at anyone that dared to laugh. How could they be in such a way? Didn't they know that my friend Nick was dead? Didn't they know that a person that was so brilliant and so great was gone? But they didn't and I realized that I just needed out of there.

About one or so we were back home. The fields of corn and soy melted into suburbia and we called out all the old landmarks we remembered. The pickle factory, the community college, Andy's Restaurant, Around the Clock, the Sport's Authority where I saw Brian Urlacher, that one banquet hall on the corner of 14 and 31 (it had changed names and we had forgotten the old one). We passed Crystal Lake and drove through Cary and Barrington.

Colin had put on the Smoking Popes and it was fitting- Nick loved that band. I remember he had given me their first release- Get Fired. It played twice and I thought if that if Nick's spirit was still around, he would surely hear "Let's Hear it for Love" and realized that we had arrived. Damn he loved that old emo stuff, we both did. I remember him claiming that the genre was created after a lifestyle that he was already leading. I remember going with him and Renee and Erin to see the Getup Kids, Saves the Day, and (who we hated with a passion) Dashboard Confessional. We mocked the singer of Dashboard Confessional from the floor and jeered all the cheering emo girls.

In Palatine Colin picked up some liquor- a bottle of vodka and a 12 pack of 312 Goose Island Beer. Next town over was Arlington Heights and our friend Nick.

We arrived and beheld a drab affair. Was this were Nick's story ended? A place off route 14 in a suburb that he probably never really like anyways? Nick told us that he wanted his body to be set up like one of those animatronic crash test bodies in front of a full buffet. His would be fully animated and announce- "Enjoy the buffet, from beyond the grave!"

There was no buffet, only crappy store bought cookies and small cans of coke and pepsi products. It was an open casket and Colin and I shuddered as we walked into the funeral home. We were the first of the old crew to arrive and we couldn't bring ourselves to enter the viewing room. Instead we sat in the reception area and depressingly mocked the Dignity brand breath mints available to keep your breath minty fresh as you grieved. Nick would have hated this shit.

We had a great talk with Nick's brother Eric. He looked and sounded so much like his brother. Colin and I both thought so. We began to tell stories with him. When Nick found out you could actually split checks at restaurants. When Nick wrote the government of Chad to ask them to annex Minnesota and was put on the State Department watch list. When an officer of the government called to ask him about that letter and was talked into starting a file on Colin. When Nick lied his way into an engineering job at a machine tool shop. When the owner of the machine shop put everything in Nick's name and was cleaned out by the feds. When Nick ran into a deer on State Park Road and was consequently given a ticket for destroying state property. When Nick was irate over Eric bedecking his old car, which he termed the Jesusmobile, with bumperstickers- "Legalize skateboarding!? It IS legal!"

Finally our friends began to arrive- Korey, Doug, Aaron, Holland and Doug at first, Sarah and Jesse later. Nick had brought us all together. The apartment, the bungalow, so many of the people I love and care about came to me because of It's just too raw and hurtful to really tell much of went on there. We all grieved in our own ways. We hugged and cried. We yelled and sobbed. We laughed and loved. We told more stories. We finally we all entered the reception room to say our goodbyes. Colin and I drank out in the parking lot and plotted to steal Nick's corpse and try to send him off in a way Nick would want. We would throw the coffin and lead the authorities in an hour long chase to Fox Lake where we would light it on fire, throw it in the lake and send our friend to Valhalla. But we didn't do it, instead we just sort of lingered. When the service started we all left. Nick wouldn't have wanted this- he wouldn't want a preacher.

We went back to Spring Grove and Richmond with Korey and Holland and ate tostadas at Korey's house. After that we went to Sarah's house and drank in their garage. It felt so good to be amongst old friends. So good that I had for the first time felt homesick. I love the Twin Cities but I also love my friends. It's so easy to forget that when you move away and begin a new life. I marveled at the depth of our relationships as we drank beers and listened to records. After years apart we reunited and it all felt comfortable. Our collective history has made us all life long friends.

What we had here was unique, was fantastic, but nothing lasts forever. Nick didn't last forever. Tony didn't last forever. It's hard to lose two friends so young. I haven't talked about Tony here because this is about the last couple days of my life. Nick was 27, Tony was 25. What's left of us is devastated. It seems so difficult to continue on how we once were. Everything changed last Tuesday, everything. Colin said this moment is an audit on our lives and I agree.

Colin and I drove home rather quickly. A little conversation, a lot of napping. I dropped him off and wished him well. There's not many of us left and I treasure him immensely. I drove to Whole Foods where I picked up some food for the next week. I brushed past everyone there and I hope they didn't take offense. I was not about to talk about what was etched in my mind since yesterday- that damned open casket. How I had knelt down there and told my friend goodbye forever. How all I could say to his parent's is that Nick made me a better person. How I could still feel his father's hug and his mother's kiss as we cried together. How the best and brightest were getting cut down too soon. How this all is so unfair.

I returned back to my apartment. Two days, over eight hundred miles driven, fourteen hours in the car, gallons of tears spilt, and a giant void in my life. I fell down and sobbed. I got up, opened a bottle of wine and began to write. It was what Nick would have wanted.