And here's an opening statement.
Alright, enough with that joke. Truth is, I can't come up with anything lately. Where this blog will go, I'm not even sure. I have nothing really to write about. Sure, there's plenty on my chest, copious amounts of thinking going on in my sleep-deprived little brain.
Well hey, there's something. Sleep. We all need it, right? Well why can't I get it? Every night, I either fail to go to sleep when I want to, or I toss and turn in a fitful dream until I wake back up and roll around until 4 am when I can finally close my eyes for 3 or so more hours. I have nightmares rather frequently; mostly about not being worth anything, being too isolated, too crowded, too angsty, too apathetic. Everything is extremes, I suppose.
I guess that's another thing though. I keep feeling like I won't meet expectations. Not other people's expectations - hell, they can fuck off if they expect anything at all from me - but my own. Will I be able to make it through my last year of high school? Will I get into the college I want to? Will my girlfriend stick with me, despite a 5 hour drive, that will only be getting longer, to see each other? All these things are weighing me down, mentally. I feel.. defeated, is a word. I wish I could hang my head in shame and trudge off the field to practice for another game, but that isn't how life works.
I'm spent, you could say. I despise responsibility, I'm addicted to video stimulation and technology. It's terrible, and I don't have the energy to care enough to change it.
- And this whole time, I feel like I'm just complaining. I don't feel like I'm just getting this off my chest, like I just need to vent and put into words what I'm feeling. I mean, there is that aspect too, but I'm only made to feel worse that half the reason I'm even typing this out is because I want someone to look at it and say, "Oh, it's ok. It's just anxiety and nerves getting to you. I'm sure you'll get through the phase like all of us well-adjusted...
[ Continued ]