A place of secrets and quiet [Nex's Scrapbook]

by **Nex Paciscor** on June 20th, 2011, 7:40 pm

For reason's i'm not sure of I've decided to try my hand at poetry, and so here it goes:

How to See

Open my eyes to catch you in my stare,
Never have I seen anyone so beautiful and fair,
The complex pattern of the butterfly as it passes by,
Reminds me how when I’m talking to you I feel like I could fly,
To awake from this world to see again someone so special,
Causes my pulse to race to as you work your miracles,
Standing alone here the thought of you moving me onward,
How could one imagine to not to look skyward,
To feel you right beside me time couldn’t tell,
Now I close my eyes and still see you there.

And thats that, no more for now. Going to catch up on posts. Poetry is a complex mistress.

by **Nex Paciscor** on June 25th, 2011, 7:20 am

She is the one who cries alone in the darkness of night
And curses aloud the harshness of the world of light
And the darkness hides her to death's dismay
the light torturing her whenever it may.

by **Nex Paciscor** on August 5th, 2011, 3:20 am

A leaf, frail and brittle lands on the rickety roof of a family of four, and the shingles cave in, to reveal a empty house beyond, the family long gone on vacation...

What does this mean, absolutly nothing, nothing at all, and even as you read this I can sense you losing interest, and wondering about your threads, what your going to eat, or some other mysterious element in your life that I do not know about. Why is this important, it isn't, it honestly isn't, I don't understand why you continue to read this whether by curiousity, or just chance, or maybe your as bored as can be on a Friday night with nothing to do but eat ice cream in front of the computer, watching Netflix. How do I know this, cause I am, Netflix is amazing, who wouldn't want to watch it for four hours straight without moving a muscle and it only comes second to Mizahar of course. Now have you ever seen a Purple apple colored blue, me either but it's out there and by out their I mean no where to be found as I just made it up. Has everyone left yet? Good, now I can get on to what this scrap is really about. Bullying, and miscommunication. I hate bullies, absoulute pure darkness directed for them, and when I see it, it really pisses me off so much that I actually have to step back, or resist knocking them on there butt. In chat recently this happened.. end of story. If everyone could just get along, and not step on peoples toes and actualy read the rules, I wouldn't have this problem or have to puzzle over what I should do, and what my obligation to do is. Chat is one of my sanctuarys to kick back relax, and talk to some people I will likely never meet. Please do not deprive me of the relaxation time, and keep it friendly. That will be all for now. Love you all folks, peace, and good night.

by **Gossamer** on August 5th, 2011, 4:10 am

I always read your stuff carefully and all the way through. I like your hidden or not so hidden humor and love the poems. Your gentleness makes me feel peaceful too which is rare to a warrior spirit.

by **Nex Paciscor** on August 6th, 2011, 2:26 am

LOVE

As far as loaded words this takes the cake so to speak. Some claim to not believe it to exist; others present themselves as heartless romantics. Everyone claims to categorize themselves by such a word, it is rather odd that it holds so much meaning, and nothing at the same time. Do I believe in love, loaded question to the max it is. I believe in it, in the fact that I believe I lost the only girl who ever truly loved me, and I loved her, and I realize that I probably will never meet a girl like that again. So to know love so intimately and know that I will never feel it again, am I better off just convincing myself that it doesn’t exist, or should I just go by the old saying better have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all. A tricky rope, that has oil soaked on it, and I have to walk across it alone. To make things fun, razor blades rest in a pile underneath, waiting to break flesh, and bone alike, and are forthright in their judgment. So do you just settle, and fake love forever more with any others you meet, or do you truly get down and dirty, face the past, and completely and wholly tear apart of yourself out and chuck it away just to have a chance at true love with someone else. Both have advantages, and both are displeasing at the same time, and when the earth revolves around a tiny orb we call a sun, is it really that consequential, am I really that important. Nay, I say, nay.

by **Nex Paciscor** on August 13th, 2011, 11:48 pm

"Depression is rage spread thin" - George Santayana

To find something consoling, is to find something tangible. At least that is, to the common mind. Is there ever a more futile feeling, than staring at a computer screen, wanting to help someone, but knowing in the end you can't, and feeling useless because of it. Of course some of us are great purvayors of wisdom, and can bring comfort to others with mere words, their advice indispensible, but what of they that no not such words. When they try to help, it blows up in their face, leaving behind a remains that cannot help either party but instead sunk them deeper into the world of disrepair. I long to know what to say in such situations, to actually be able to help all those my heart goes out to, but my mind cannot begin to process how to go about that. I am but a simple man, with hands too clumsy to heal, words to slurred to offer comfort, a wit to slow to ease pain in the moment. So utterly helpless am I, when I think I suffer, why do I deserve to ask for help, when I cannot even help other's whos pains have much better reasons than mine, who's souls are more pure than mine, and could be of better use to humanity as a whole.

"Concern should drive us into action and not into a depression. No man is free who cannot control himself." -Pythagoras

What if? What if we do not know how to perform that action, or how to go about it. Is that why we fall into depression, inaction, or lack of knowing what exactly that action we should be taken is. I scrapbook because I can, because it eases the weight bearing on my chest, threatening to take the life from me, and stifling all of my creativity for what it is even worth. Days are full of acts, not always the right ones, not alway even good ones, but also not always evil ones. To judge the measure of a person, you look at their actions, actions mean so much more than just a simple verb. The question is, how do we act to help others. How do we act to ease depression. How do we act to give advice. And most importantly, how do we act around those we love.

"Depression is melancholy minus its charms - the animation, the fits." -Susan Sontag

by **Nex Paciscor** on September 15th, 2011, 3:54 am

My heart is shattered, and I am the cause of it.

My bones should be broken, for I deserve it.

My anguish should be unlimited for its the least that should be done.

Please, close your eyes and look away for this is my eternal shame to bear.

My girlfriend of 11 months has just broken up with me, and I deserve it. I deserve much worse, and in the coming days I expect to be ridiculed, hated, avoided, and left to rot in my loneliness for it is only right. F*** that self deprecating garbage, I guess what I'm really trying to say, is that not to long ago I did something I sword I'd never do to a girl, since I have too felt its sting many a time. I cheated.. There I said it, its out in the open, to be seen and criticized for it truly was a A-hole thing to do. Here I had for once a girl that truly loved me for who I am, and for some odd reason I got it into my head and thought that wasn't enough and started flirting with another girl, and saying the very same things to her as I said to my own girlfriend. I should have listened to my trusted friend's advice, one of my inner circle here on Mizahar. I should have, but I'm a stubborn A-hole and I didn't. I didn't, and now I have lost the one girl in my life that truly loved me, and that I believe I truly loved back forever, and for good. The disappointment of my family and friends will soon become apparent in the coming days I know. If I don't speak it isn't because I do not have a mouth, it is because I have immersed myself in the world inside my mind, contenting to do what I enjoy which is writing with the lovely writers of mizahar who's presence I probably don't deserve to be in I would say if once again it didn't sound so self centered in my ears. Always focusing on myself it seems, and thats why I got myself into this mess. I shall reap what I sow though, no more lies, betrayal or confusion. From here on out, I will stand fast and deal with the waves of torment that even now face me. I am writing this for a measure of comfort, for a measure to never forget what happened on this day, for a measure for every one to know me just a little bit more, for I shall hold no masks any longer. This is not a angry rant, this is not a spiraling self depressing article you should be worried about. This is my selfish way of exorcising the pain temporarily so I can either get to sleep or posting, whichever comes first. I aim not to appear crazy, or anything or unstable. Just trying times are upon my 19 year old life, and I look, search, want earnestly for forgiveness that shall not come for a long, long, long time I suspect.

-Goodnight my friends. I will be back to posting tomorrow as I normally do as I should have quite a bit of free time.

-P.S. Please don't think I'm crazy. I am actually quite self controlled, and keep what goes on the inside quite hidden.

by **Gossamer** on September 18th, 2011, 4:02 am

Nex,

I read this a few days ago and my heart just bled for you. I was on my phone and didn't respond at the time because it would have been a painful endeavor. I find myself tonight, on the cusp of a birthday, in a mood that is rich with disappointment. I wanted something to happen today on Miza that would have meant a lot to me, but I am suffering the realization that it will not be occurring. Such is life. I understand that. But that doesn't prevent the eventual let-down. So sitting here in a rather sullen mood (yes, I'm human and I get them) I find myself staring at your scrap thinking one thing.

You are so very real to me as a person.

I see so many people sitting on this site right now that have PCs that are larger than life. They also have online personalities that match those PCs. I have my favorite scraps of folks pouring their hearts out in a very therapeutic way. I read insincere ones that try to come off as humble and self-depreciating. I read mundane ones that never really say anything important. And there are the ones from aspiring new writers that are always angry that they are spending time on Miza rather than creating their own worlds and publishing their great american (or insert country here) novels.

Then there's your rich and human scrap. You screwed up. You broke someone's heart and in doing so broke your own. Welcome to humanity. Welcome to hellishly painful lessons that we just want to kick our own heads in for doing. I'm not mad at you for cheating on someone you love. People always have those thoughts. Sometimes they act on them and sometimes they don't. How can I be mad at someone that realizes the whole scale of what they have done and owned their crime so thoroughly in the way you own yours?

Besides... your pcs are rich. Your PCs are real. They make sense to me and make me laugh and break my heart and I find in the end they are no different than the real you because its obvious to me and everyone else on this site you put an incredible amount of yourself out there. You put an incredible amount of yourself in that last scrap.

You know, you have an entire online family here who loves you. We accept you for who you are and who you want to be eventually. We'll be with you through these hurtles and the mistakes you make with both your heart and other parts of your anatomy.

Just be a little kinder to yourself. Cut yourself some slack. I know you are a wise old man in the body of a young man, and that body sometimes takes charge. It happens. But I can bet my bottom dollar that it will never happen quite like this again. A lesson learned is a great lesson indeed. Thank you for sharing this with us. Thank you for being real.

by **Nex Paciscor** on September 27th, 2011, 2:21 am

I'm surrounded by people, yet I feel alone. I feel absent without the knowledge of having someone depend on me. Recently, as you might know I went through a rather rough break up, my own fault of course. After this though, I met another girl, she was quite amazing, and we hit it off fast, holding hands, texting, and hanging out whenever our busy schedules would allow. Of course I felt horrible slightly on the inside for becoming interested much too soon in another girl so soon after a break up, but it was a need inside of me I couldn't control. A need to be important in someones life, and to have someone to hold in my arms. A selfish need.

Head over heels I was for this girl, she had stole my interest but not my heart. I'm not that stupid. She broke up with me after five days, saying she was too busy for a relationship though I suspect it was something else. I was too distant, and perhaps she had someone else she liked more. I don't quite blame her. Yet she left a aching void in my chest that I can't seem to fill up, and I find myself seeking such companionship once more, but then again I don't since I am still so torn up inside and don't think it is right for me to get into a relationship so soon. Such are the trivialities of life, pain, heartache and loneliness are things I wish I could forget, wish I could avoid, yet it is impossible as I am quite clumsy. For you world there is only one that can touch that which I cannot. A spirit of inspiration, a muse forever and long lasting. Relationships that last the blink of a eye no longer interest me. I want something more, but not yet.

by **Nex Paciscor** on October 10th, 2011, 5:00 pm

Words, is there anything more powerful then them? They can build someone up and the turn around a break another down. They can start wars or promote peace. They can profess love and in the same breath scream hate. When your words to two different people contradict each other, what does that do? It makes said person a liar to at least one of the parties involved. This I am guilty of I say as I write this down with my preverbal quill dipped in my own blood. Stupid is as stupid does and it seems to like me as I make some pretty stupid decisions. What am I talking about, well it is quite simple really. I'm talking about the emotions that twist and churn inside of me because I didn't make the right choice at all. Loneliness is something I don't cope with well, and after only a few weeks I went back on my word to my ex when I started talking again to the girl that had cheated on her with, yet another one of my stupid decisions, but that has already been exemplified above. I told my ex that I wouldn't talk to the girl, as well as I told my parents, but come this weekend, thinking that I am buckling under the soul crushing pangs of the heart, and still left with a lot of feelings some misplaced others not, I decide to talk to her and we re hit it off well considering I still hold feelings for her, never mind the fact I still hold feelings for my recent ex's but that is beside the point.

No matter what I had no excuse for going back on my word, even if my word to another is I would keep talking to her. I'm so caught up in contradictions I can't breathe, I need to pile up all these lies, for thats what they are when you break your word, and set fire to them thus cleansing me of their stain on my soul. Thus, I know it will happen again because when it comes to relationships I am more stupid than everything and tend to get caught up in my own words. I am damaged, plain and simple, and thus because of this left with a impossible choice of what to do exactly. Do I cut things off completely in sticking to one side of my word, or hop over to the other side, and abandon the original principle? A quote comes to mind, it's one I use with one of my pc's. "Honor isn't about making the right choices. It's about dealing with the consequences" and right now that rings truer than ever. So now I must deal with the consequences, and I will do it as best I can, but I think.. I think I just need to stay away from relationships for a while. I'm too busy with studies, and too messed up emotionally right now to get into that kind of entanglement. I just need to settle back, take a good long look at myself, stop being a petching boy and be the man I need to be. No one likes a ignorant winey child that you can't trust as far as you can throw him. I need to stop being that petulant child asap.