A place of secrets and quiet [Nex's Scrapbook]

[Tessa Poe]

I feel like I'm the last person in the world who shoud talk about this given that prior to my ex the relationships that I've been involved with usually ended badly and the whole situation with my ex is... odd... but I couldn't just sit here and say nothing at all Nexy. So for what it's worth here goes.

Firstly, I think you're right about needing to take time away from relationships. No matter what we might think or say everyone needs time to process the end of something, hell I know I did and to be honest I'm still sort of adjusting and getting over things and it's been just over a year now since we broke up. Sometimes what's needed is space to clear your head, whether that's so you can see yourself better or just quiet time to let yourself heal, or even just time to get used to being on your own again.

Thing is though, if you're going to tear strips off of yourself then really it should be for putting yourself in an unwinnable situation. On the one hand you promise never to talk to someone, on the other you promise that you won't stop talking to her. Sooner or later one of those is going to have to give, they can't exist side by side as you well know. I don't have any answers for you about it all I'm afraid, there aren't any easy answers to a situation like yours.

But, and this isn't meant to sound patronising I promise, you're 19 Nexy. You're going to make mistakes and screw up a bit, hell you'll still be doing that 10 years from now. At least I know I am. We all screw up, that's a given and anyone who expects otherwise needs to focus on reality a little more. Some screw ups are worse than others, and some cause things to happen that we can never make right but you can work on trying to make up for the screws you've made and on not repeating the same screw ups. Sometimes that's all you can do really.

Oh and before I forget, I'm never going to be the one standing over you casting stones in judgement, so if you ever need to talk about something just give me a shout alright? I might not give the best advice, but I serve the best imaginary magical unicorn made cupcakes in the world. Alright they're the only imaginary magical unicorn made cupcakes in the world, but that's not the point!

[Nex Paciscor]

"Nothing could be worse than the fear that one had given up too soon, and left one unexpended effort that might have saved the world"

- Jane Addams

For that which is pain, is peace in my mind. I do not hurt myself. I get hurt, I get sick, and in those times I find my mind hazy but also there is a certain clarity, everything suddenly magnified to be simple in the wake of spilt blood and a painful hobble. I write better or more I should say when my heart hurts, when someone has sucker punched me emotionally, but it has to be that pain, for loneliness simply drives me mad, insane, so out of whack I can scarcely begin to see where I stand. It is a simple deduction from my behavior I have noted, something perhaps a quirk of mine id never actually let anyone I personally know about. I have many things I'd not let anyone know about. Perhaps its why I can't hold a conversation for long when they ask me to tell them something about me.

I tend to be a open book, except not. I tell useless trivial information about myself that really wasn't the reason you asked that simple question in the first place. Who are you? It's not that I don't trust you (actually it might be part that) its actually that it would hurt to let someone that close, hurt too much in fact. I keep people at arms length while making them think I hold them close. Perhaps they don't think that. Perhaps they do. Perhaps I'm not actually keeping them at arms length. Who knows? I sure don't. I wait patiently on messages from people I rather enjoy the company of, and when I get a response I'm more than happy. I am socially deponent with a introverts personality. I battle it, and those are the good times, me being active. One can not always hang though, my mind doesn't understand this, it has trouble coping with that simple fact. I need to learn to live with my self, by myself with only my own company for pleasure and enjoy that, and not think of myself as some self-depreciating loser who whines to himself at night when he's home alone with nothing to do.

Self-depreciating. I use that word a lot. I use it because technically if I'm writing about it, then yes it is rather self depreciating. If someone else was writing about it, then it wouldn't be self-depreciating. Then again, why would someone be writing about it. Besides that fact, it wouldn't be a means of release of someone did it for you. Release, like a valve on a gas tank. An appropriate connection I'd say.

To live is to love. To love is to live. I love my family. Thats where the true love ends. True love is hard to shape, mold, or even determine. 90% of my relationships have been infatuation, this is for sure. You think its love but midway you find out it wasn't. Cause if your in love, you want to do everything for that person, be with that person, and more importantly can truly enjoy your time apart from that person. Being with someone you love isn't hunky dory. You'll argue, you'll curse each others names, but in the end you still love each other because of one simple fact. Your honest with each other and stick to what makes you you. That why arguments arise. If you simple agreed with the other just so you wouldn't fight, your lying to them and don't actually love them, at least not yet. Love has the power to withstand a fight no matter how big or small, this I learned from a girl who cheated on me a few years back. I wasn't strong, I didn't love her cause I broke it off. Do I regret it. Sometimes when I'm staring up at the sky a think about the choices I made, and the repercussions of them, and how I could of done things differently, and if that would have made me a worthwhile person. Choices my friend always have consequences. I believe in mutual attraction at first sight, but not love at first sight. Love take time to grow, time to learn that you can stand your significant other enough to tell them the truth. For this is what I have learned. Proves true for me, but then again when have rules covered every single base.

[Nex Paciscor]

I apologize for my sins.

[Nex Paciscor]

"I think we all wish we could erase some dark times in our lives. But all of life's experience, bad and good make you who you are. Erasing any of life's experiences would be a great mistake" - Luis Miguel

Knowing what I do now, changes nothing though brings to mind a saying I'd alway hear repeated in the nursing home. If I knew then what I did now, I'd have no regrets. I didn't understand that a year ago, heck even 6 months ago, but now I know what they meant. I understand the warnings of trying to grow up to fast, and with it comes an odd sort of peace, a rebirth emotionally taking me back to the wholesome foundation on which I was grounded to this world.

I might be still socially awkward, but I'm working on things one piece at a time.

In retrospect on examining the quote, I don't think Luis considered the sort of torture that breaks people, and other more heinous things. But perhaps he did, and if so I wonder if it makes him cold or compassionate.

Farewell Scrapbook,
Nex Paciscor.