So, I was going to type a really
long scrapbook post about so-called friends yesterday. About friends that you used to always talk to and you were always there for them and vice versa, but now they are not because they have this new friend. A new friend that they ignore you for. I was pissed, to be honest, completely pissed off that they couldn’t be bothered to just say hello to me. I just, I don’t know, I felt hurt and betrayed because this person had convinced me to sign up to this other forum site
just for them. So, I typed up a really long scrapbook post and just as I was about to press the
Submit button, a voice inside of my head said,
’Is this all for the right reasons?’ I stopped myself and sat back into my chair as I thought over my reasons for typing up the post in the first place and I found the reasons to be ridiculous. I had only typed the post because I wanted to get back at this so-called friend, to show
them how it felt to be hurt and ignored by someone that they called a “friend.” So, I simply closed out of the window without posting it, logged off of Skype and went fishing.
I logged on to Skype today and this friend of mine did exactly what they did the day before and the feelings of being hurt and betrayed quickly returned. I turned to my other friend and I completely vented to her, which I feel bad about, because I hate venting to her, I hate feeling like a bitch. She then linked me to Gossamer’s post about
Poisonous People. After I read it, I became very aware that I was falling back into past behaviours and I instantly asked her,
”Do you think that I'm poisonous at all?” Her response was,
”Not really. You come across as someone who keeps rolling dice badly and getting snake eyes - bad luck as apposed to poisonous and whoring off it.” Yes, she was blunt and I like her for it. Yes, whenever I get bad luck, I instantly want to vent and I realized that I do whore it off, badly. It made me realize that I was falling back into old patterns, patterns that I had turned away from on this other site. It made me realize, that in my own way, I am poisonous and that I was falling back into behaviours from my dark days, the days that I don’t normally like to talk about because they make me
ashamed of myself.
I used to be one
very poisonous person, way worse than now in fact. Back in my old role-playing days, the days that I used to do chat role-play in, I had become a glorified troll. A troll that used to put those that tried, down, just to make myself feel better about myself and my current situation. To be like the other top-dogs on the site. My PC, was an elemental goddess that could manipulate any elements available, she was also the daughter to a king and therefore made her a princess, a dark princess that bullied and shunned everyone. Then, one day, it didn’t feel so great, I didn’t like the person that I had become, nor the character that I had made and I left. I stopped role-playing, I stopped acknowledging all of those people that I had only become friends with because they had been the troll that I had looked up to. I picked up a book called,
”The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle and I even got a job. The book taught me much about destructive and toxic behaviours and I strove to become a better person. I started riding and doing stuff with horses, then I started studying a course about them so then I could give back to them, for they had made me a better person.
Now? Now while I haven’t completely fallen back into my old patterns, I realize that I have begun to and I quickly picked up the book that I read before and I started re-reading it. I have realized that I have become a bitter and sour person, something that I really hate about myself. I’m not going to make excuses for myself, because the only person at fault is me. The only thing that I can do, is to change my behaviours, to not be so toxic and be a better person again. I’m going to focus more upon my threading and developing my character, to be more positive towards everyone, be more supportive of others and their plots, and just be over-all a better person to be around, rather than the bitter and sour person that I have become.
To those that I have hurt, I know that an apology won’t make up for the pain that I have given you, so I won’t even attempt to say sorry. Why? Because saying sorry doesn’t fix the things that have been broken. Only by being a better person, can I ever hope to set a better example and prove to people that I am attempting to put my bad behaviour behind me. To be that hopeful person that I had been when I first joined the site and just simply enjoy the path that my characters are on. To just simply have fun and enjoy writing, instead of making it a competition. Because life is just too short to be a poisonous and toxic person.
-Redd