Flashback What is a Friend...?

[Felicity]

78th of Fall, 501 AV
Location: East Street

It feels like a very long time ago, almost too far back to remember clearly but I can still see it sometimes when I blink my eyes. It is illuminated there, behind my eyelids with the darkness as its backdrop flickering in and out of focus. I'm not sure it is supposed to be this way, but for me it simply is and there is not much I can do about it. I don't want to do anything about it, because it is a reminder of some things that are easily forgotten. Do most children think like this? Probably not. I am no longer a child though, and this memory is nothing short of miraculous because... because in it I still see the color. I see the color of the world as through someone else's eyes. Through her eyes. I don't think she even realizes it, what she has done to me. Can you hear me now? Can you? If so accept this...

Thank you.

*****

"Fel..."

It was always dark here. Dark and lonely, deep inside of my mind where not even the faintest touch of color could reach. Grey and muted without end, and my heart echoed the emptiness of my soul as it could not respond to even the smallest stimulation. I didn't even notice it before though, yet something changed.

"Fel..."

The feel of rough wool against my skin as I squeeze my eyes shut against the brightness of the world around me, quivering despite myself. Winter was coming after all. I should have worn a coat. Mother sold it though, so I guess there is nothing for it.

"FELICITY!"

*****

"What?" The whisper escapes cold lips as Felicity hugs her knees closer to her chest, eyes blinking open in the waning afternoon sun only to find the brightness of the light to be blocked and her body cast in shadow. This shadow, however, did not feel cold and lonesome. It was somehow warm, or maybe it wasn't the shadow at all but the voice that called to her deep in the depths of her own mental solitude.

Pushing the hair out of her eyes and looking up Felicity stared into the deep hazel eyes of the girl who called out to her. Brown hair cut short to make it easier to clean, baggy and used hand me down clothing, but despite whatever hardships her life might offer her she always seemed to be smiling.

"You're too loud Witt." Felicity whispered, resting her head back down on her knees and covering her face with her arms, "I was taking a nap."

"Your bum Father keeping you up at night again?" A light thump and a brush against her shoulder told Felicity that Witt had settled down beside her, too close as usual.

"He wanted me to pick something up for him again, but the guy was late."

"You should just run away from there. It's obvious they don't love you enough to properly care for you."

As always the logic made perfect sense and felicity found herself wondering why she didn't do just that. Then again, where would she go? Besides it wasn't that she hated them. On the contrary Felicity could not decide what she felt for them, if anything at all. Thus, in response, she merely shrugged.

"Why don't we just run away together?" Witt tugged at Felicity's hair, making the other girl glance up at last to give a sideways look as if to say 'and where would we go?' That, as always, only made Witt laugh and Felicity rested her head once more.

"We could go anywhere. Far away, to some place where we would both be happy. Where we could eat until we were full, play every day, and not worry about... The other stuff." Subconsciously they both absently rubbed their arms, matching welts and darkened bruises there as badges of distinction that showed that each had earned the darkened view of the world around them that they had. Still, where as Felicity simply stared out at the bleak and colorless world with unfeeling indifference, Witt always seemed to be smiling. That never did make sense to Felicity.

"I want to go to Alvadas one day." came the response after several chimes of silence, "I heard from a sailor from a trade ship that the city is like nothing else in Mizahar. The buildings move on their own, and the flowers sing and it's hard to tell whats real from whats not."

Looking up Felicity rested her chin on her hands, head tilted to look toward Witt who was smiling up at the reddening sky, distance coming to her eyes as she began to imagine such a place. It made Felicity feel something, deep down toward her gut. A tightening, almost sick feeling that made her eyes want to close and never open again.

"I don't think that is a place for me." Felicity said, looking down at her toes as they curled against the dirt of the cobble stones, "You should go, if that is what you want." She wasn't sure she actually meant what she said.

"Don't be stupid Fel." Her laughter was like a sudden summer rain, falling quick and hard to strike small bullets that spread soothing water over her burning skin, "If I go you are coming with me. It's a promise."

"A Promise?" It was less of a question than a statement, and when Felicity looked up she almost could not bear the brightness of the smile presented to her. Those eyes, so ordinary and uninteresting at first glance, why did they suddenly seem so beautiful in the deepening reds and yellows of the passing day? A chill went up Felicity's spine and she looked away again, unable to bear what she saw there, and knowing she could not reflect that same feeling back at that girl.

A hand caught her chin, forcing her head back around and her eyes to open and stare at those hazel eyes, that short cut hair and baggy clothing. That smile that captivated her and made something, deep inside begin to well, flow as if to run over the rim of her fragile cup.

"Yes, a promise." Witt repeated, sliding closer and catching Felicity's hand in both her hers, "Promise we will go together one day. Promise?"

She couldn't do it, Felicity knew it. She could not promise with so much conviction, for as much as Witt glowed with warmth and passion, Felicity smoldered like a dying fire, cold creeping in at the edges at all times to consume everything in ice. But still... Witt made her want to at least try.

"Alright." Felicity said, pulling the corners of her mouth upward and pushing her cheeks up to show a full tooth smile, "I promise."

There was no way she could be that sincere, that compassionate, that driven... but for Witt, Felicity at least wanted to try.

[Felicity]

17th of Summer, 503 AV

It's not like I try to be this way. It's not like I wished for it and that wish was granted. Just one day, I woke up and realized that everything I saw, everything I touched, lost its color and its meaning. The world was big, vast, incomprehensible... and completely devoid of anything interesting at all. No one wishes for that, and for those that may their lives must be truly miserable. Who would want this void. Who would ask for this emptiness in the soul. Not me. She never acted like that though. The world, through her eyes, was always vibrant and alive. So full of adventure, and fun. Powerful and moving, such was her youthful energy that, even for me, the world almost seemed to vibrate with her excitement. At the time I thought, 'if only we could keep going on like this, I would never grow weary'. That, of course, was impossible. Yet, that is what a wish is. A wish is the impossible, and a miracle is a wish come true.

*****

"FELICITY!!"

That voice, it made her freeze, stock still like an animal caught before the hunter's arrow. That voice, loud and familiar, and Felicity knew without even looking to whom it belonged. That voice... If that voice was here, that could mean only one thing.

Maybe if she just ignored it nothing would happen. The man in front of her was looking past her now, brows furrowed in confusion and the apple in his hand dangled just a hair's breath from Felicity's outstretched palms. She had worked so hard, cried salty tears and come close to begging the pitiable man for just one, to take the edge off that spike. It had been several days since she had last eaten and Felicity was beginning to feel the affects now. That apple was more than just a piece of fruit. It was a beacon of hope. It was a token of good fortune that would smile on her for days to come. That apple was life itself!

"Felicity!"

It was closer now, and Felicity gritted her teeth, still smiling up at the man with hands outstretched. Yes, just ignore her and everything will be fine. Just ignore her. Just ignore her.

Of course that was impossible, and when the weight came crashing into her back Felicity had already accepted the inevitable. Today she would not be eating. Today she would not be doing anything that she wanted to do. Today was no longer her's. I belonged now to the stupidly grinning girl who now lay atop her, teeth shining as mischief glinted in her eyes.

"Hey Fel, we need to run." The nonchalance way in which she said this made Felicity roll her eyes and push the still grinning girl off of her. At this point Felicity did not even bother to ask, but quickly found her feet and caught ahold of Witt's hand, dragging her from the ground as she cackled with laughter that was far too out of place in the situation.

"'Oy, stop her! Thief!"

Yes, just like always. Witt with her sticky fingers never could stay far from trouble. Then, whenever Felicity happened to be in the near vicinity, she got dragged along in the chance as well. Sometimes it was frustrating, even annoying. Still, the hammering in her chest and the grin that snuck its way upon her lips told Felicity that, despite the inconvenience, what was happening was still fun.

Running was half of her life now. Run from this, run from that. The beat of her feet was a familiar sound as was the ragged gasping breath that broke from her lungs with each desperate turn of the corner or leap of a crate. They weren't free runners after all, but being as small as they were losing themselves in the crowds in the markets of Zeltiva wasn't all that difficult.

Twining their fingers together, Felicity and Witt simply ran, laughing all the way as they dipped and dodged and tripped and fell. If they were caught there was no telling what would happen, and that was part of the excitement. Felicity remembered then, she was actually alive. Hunger could wait for the moment. It could wait until she could properly confront Witt. Until then she didn't want this moment to end. It felt very right. Very right.

*****

One Bell Later...

Sweat stained the back of her already dirty shirt, but Felicity didn't care. Up high where they were, on the roof of some random building near the docks, a sweaty shirt hardly mattered. The sky was still alight with the afternoon glow of Syna's watchful gaze, but despite this the stiff salty breeze made the direct sunlight not quite so uncomfortable. There was a bit of shade behind one of the stacked crates where Witt and Felicity now sat. Breathing was still harsh and ragged, but even so Witt couldn't stop laughing. She was really a stupid girl after all.

"What a stupid man." She gasped, wiping her gleaming brow with the back of her dirt covered hand, "If he doesn't want stuff stolen he shouldn't leave it lying around for anyone to take."

Felicity did not respond. Her head rested back against the crate, legs stretched out as a dull ache was beginning to form in them to match the burning in her chest. Every breath felt like agony, and for the moment that was what brought her to silence. What was there really to say though? This was just how Witt was.

Several chimes past until Felicity finally found her voice again, and without even opening her eyes she whispered a half gasp response, "You're the stupid one. If you are going to steal don't get caught."

That seemed obvious enough to Felicity. A thief who could not get away was no thief at all. She was a nuisance and a public menace. A burden to everyone who knew her, and eventually she would be caught and punished for her actions. Most people were afraid of this and thus perfected their art, but that never seemed to be a thought that crossed Witt's mind.

Whenever she was caught she would just laugh. Laugh and smile that smile that made even grown men question the certainty of her guilt. That smile, which was plastered even now on her expression, was what kept Felicity running after her. Running beside her. That laugh that was like the sound of wind chimes in a storm, loud and full of more life than it should be allowed. That laugh was what made Felicity smile, despite herself. As always though she quickly hid it behind a frown and a sideways glare.

"Because of you I wont get to eat again today. I wish you would just die and quite bothering me." The words were harsher than she intended, but there was no real fire or bite behind them. Witt though, she didn't even flinch. She still smiled that smile that defied any logic or mood.

"You're getting fat anyway." Came the smooth reply, "Besides that apple stand is known for having worms."

There was a clinking sound and a glint that reflected into Felicity's eye and made her blink.

"And anyway," Witt said, catching the spinning gold coin from the air just before it hit the ground, "There is better stuff to eat that moldy old fruit. You can have whatever you want, my treat."

So cocky, that confident look in her eyes made Witt look beautiful even with the short cropped hair and dirty, baggy clothes. It was a beauty that was nothing physical, and had everything to do with what came flowing out from inside. She was the light to Felicity's darkness, and like a ravenous dog Felicity followed and fed off of that energy. That love of life and fun that was so unlike her.

"I get half of yours as well." Felicity said, catching the hand that now gripped the coin. Her look was serious, though some of the twinkle of Witt's aura was reflected there in those blue orbs, "It's what you owe me for interrupting my job again."

"What? Petch no that isn't fair!" Even the high pitched indignant tone could not hide the joy still etched into those eyes. "You get half, and that is that. I'm the one who stole it after all!"

"And almost got us both caught."

"Even so, it's mine. You are just lucky I decided to share with you."

Did nothing ever make that girl's heart waver? Maybe, between the two of them, Witt was the truly unnatural one. Who could smile so much. Wouldn't their jaw start to ache...?

[Felicity]

67th of Fall, 505 AV

I've never thought of anyone but myself. A terrible, selfish person is what I have come to know myself as, yet even in knowing I cannot seem to bring myself to do anything about it. All around me I see others care and fret over what their neighbor has or does, but for me there was never an interest in such things. Sure, I would cry when others cried, or yell when others yelled, but all of that was just an act. A show I put on in order to pretend, both to them and to myself that I am just the same. Now as I think back on those times it is almost laughable. Why would you want to know and understand someone else's feelings? Who would want to share another person's pain? No, it is better if you are only selfish. Selfish people never fear the future, or worry about the hurt of someone else. People would be happier if they were just selfish. Thats what I think, but who am I to judge. I still don't know what happiness is.

*****

Night this time, and she could feel the scattered drops of water upon her flesh that announced the beginnings of a storm. Cool, lingering wetness rolled down her skin to collect beneath her and travel in the cracks of the cobble stones, mixing with the steady flow of red before drifting off farther down the stream. Felicity knew her eyes were open, staring upward, for from time to time she would have the need to blink away a drop that caught itself in her eyelashes. Still, no matter how hard she stared she couldn't see anything at all. Just blackness. A canopy of darkness had enveloped the world, blotting out the light and seeping its cold fingers into every inch of her exposed body.

"Fel..."

Another drop landed on her cheek, and slowly, painfully, Felicity raised a shaking hand to wipe away this slightly salty trail. This one was warm, however, completely different from the rest of the drops that fell on the rest of her. It came with a softer sob, and warmth enveloped her raised hand as Witt's voice pierced the blackness.

"Oh Fel, why did you..." Her voice caught in half choking cough, cracking under the weight of emotions that Felicity could not even recognize. Fingers, so warm and shaking like a leaf twined with Felicity's, giving support where no strength could be found.

"I..." Felicity couldn't answer. Her own voice was caught, not by the emotions that rocked the sobbing girl beside her, but by the great expanse and emptiness that had been torn open inside of her. Her entire body hurt, from the crown of her head down to the very tips of her toes. The pain was greatest though in her abdomen. A creeping, heavy sort of pain that felt like it should have been far more significant to her but for whatever reason Felicity could not quite comprehend. The rest was just an ache. Muscles pushed and forced to endure more than they ever had before and the exhaustion and relief of it coming to hand end left her shaking. That, and the cold chill that came from a stiff breeze wafting over her wet and naked body as it lay in some darkened alleyway.

"You didn't have to do it Fel... I told you I was fine, that I would take care..." The touch of Witt's breath on her numbing fingers made Felicity smile, and with that hand that was not entrapped reached forward blindly searching until a cheek found its way to her palm. That cheek was wet too, and slightly sticky. How odd. Were tears really all that different from rain?

"I know." The reply came out like a raspy cough. It was only then that Felicity realized how dry her throat had become, how rough it felt. She was thirsty, dying for water while all around her it fell freely from the sky. It was so ironic it actually made her smile.

"Don't smile you stupid... stupid..." Both of her hands now were clasped, and in the darkness the bare edges of a figure were beginning to come into focus. Dark brown hair hanging in wet locks. Witt had started letting her hair grow out. That was probably why she was suddenly interesting to the lechers. "If you know then why? Why did you do it?"

That was a question Felicity did not quite have an answer to, so she shook her head. What do you say when it wasn't really a decision at all. Her body had just moved, her voice had called without first acknowledging what her mind or heart was saying. It had all just happened. It wasn't like she had planned it. Felicity wished the aching would stop. She hoped the rain would continue though. More than anything, she didn't want the red to stain her clothing. Thats right, where had she put those?

"Fel, answer me." A hard edge had crept into that softly grieving voice. That was so unusual. Witt never scolded Felicity. She must really be upset. Still, what was there to say?

"I just..." Felicity began, paused to let the ticks come and go before shrugging and turning her head to face the focusing shape of her friend, "I just... wanted to save your smile."

Was that the right answer? Probably. Witt grew quiet, and there was no further argument. But the salty drops came harder then. Falling, one after another, mixing with the rain and the red as it ran away through the cracks in the stones. Running away, mixing until finally disappearing completely. In the end that is just how things were. In time it would all just disappear.