I ran away on my first birthday. It was a good birthday. We went to the Shooting Star Inn and had good food. My grandfather was there, and my aunt. It was more than I expected and I was grateful. My parents had their forced gaiety on full display and my aunt wouldn’t stop cracking her awkward jokes. I think she does it whenever she’s nervous. Either way, I was glad she came. And my grandfather. He sat there in stony silence, as usual. He gave me a gift. A book in a language I couldn’t read. I’m not sure if it was meant as a cruel joke or if it was supposed to inspire me to be better.
I guess it didn’t matter. I was lucky he came, so I thanked him and hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. He sat in silence, responding with a nod. Sometimes I wonder if he’s mute, but then he’ll surprise me by speaking to my mother, or waiter. I’ve seen him give instructions to hired help in at least six different languages, I’m sure. Not that I can tell all the languages apart, but…There’s only so many ways one can say, “The glass, not the crystal.”
I don’t think I’d completely decided to leave until after dinner. When everyone was saying goodbyes. It suddenly struck me that if I was going to leave, that would be the perfect time. I could leave while things were more or less good. Leave with the memory of a perfect dinner, surrounded by family who, at the very least, tries to care. They really do. And I’m grateful for that. I know I must be frustrating as a daughter. My mom can speak so many languages and my father can do complicated figures in his head in such a short amount of time…
I get it. I look about fourteen. My parents know I’m not. It’s only been a year. They feel like they shouldn’t expect so much from someone so young, but they can’t help it. I look so much older. When my mother was fourteen, she knew and understood so much. Me? I can barely speak Lhavitian. I overheard Father complaining about my stupidity. I wish I could fix it. I really do. I tried hard to understand my tutors. I did all the extra work. But it’s just not in me.
I thought they would be better off if I left. I don’t know if they’ll try having another child. Probably not. Not after me. But if I leave, they won’t have to try so hard to love someone (something) that they don’t understand. The family would give them sympathy that I was gone, they would be sad and confused for a bit, and then Uncle would tell them that it was only expected, me being a wild animal and all. I think out of everyone he understands me the least. My uncle doesn’t like flaws. He’s still mad at my mother for hiding her kelvic heritage.
So I made the decision to leave. I considered taking the book Grandfather gave me, but changed my mind. I wanted my one memory of home to be something good and pure. The book would only be a reminder of the reason I left in the first place. Maybe one day I would learn to read it, but I didn’t want to spend my life obsessing over my past. If I was going to let them move on and start a new life, then I was going to allow myself the same courtesy. Stupid or not, I was still born of a higher class; I was entitled to certain things even as I sent myself into exile.
I stole father’s pendant. That would be the first thing I ever stole. But it was perfect. Finely crafted and shiny, plus it had been in the family for years. It wasn’t a terrible thing that I took it either. My father had several such heirlooms. I’m sure he understood why I had to take it, even if he understood little else. The pendant would be a good keepsake, reminding me where I came from without chaining me to unhappy memories.
I left that night. I wish I could say it was dramatic, in the midst of a storm, almost getting caught. It wasn’t. The weather was perfect and everyone was sound asleep. I didn’t even pack a bag. I just fixed the pendant around my neck, shifted, and left. I never looked back. I don’t waste time wondering if I’m missed. All that would do is fill me with doubt. I made my choice. There’s no changing it. Even if I went back, I would be rejected. All I can do is hope I made the right decision and move on with my life.