[Sullin's Residence]A Twisting of a Turning[Xii]

[Clyde Sullins]

Clyde understood Cha. He'd spend days observing and inspecting her, down to the most minute speck of substance. He'd watched her from the inside, the outside, dissected her in his aura sight. She was as much a part of him as his own right arm. So if he could alter himself, he should surely be able to do the same to or through Cha. Focusing on his djed, on the mental image and understanding of them both as objects to be shaped, he willed his djed to rise, to heat the furnace and make Cha malleable. He didn't want to break her, and couldn't truly change her, but he could shape her, remake her, mold her. Taking in a deep slow breath, he continued on with his work of morphing the staff. Clyde focused his intent on a soft rubbery substance, of the idea of it, clearing his mind of all else but the idea and Cha as he heated the forge of their bodies with his djed. After a chime or so of this, Clyde began to add pressure, as if Cha was a straw that he could easily bend just by twisting her. The gesture of this, of expecting Cha to shift and mold to his bending, made a sense to him. Gave it purpose and direction. Though Cha was made of a tough strong material, he focused his mind on much bendier things. Reeds, willows, grass... Willing their properties onto the middle of Cha, he continued to bend, attempting to turn Cha into a U with the spot he was focused on as the center. As the forge in his mind flared, Clyde kept at it, kept the mental image and desire clear, as he pressed these thoughts onto Cha. Finally, after a chime, or two, or a dozen, after he'd forgotten to keep count, or perhaps even before those spans of time, he felt the wood of Cha giving. He felt it bending... Her bending... He'd only managed to bring the properties of these other softer things onto the one center bit of Cha, but it was enough. He could feel it. Could feel Cha opening to him, opening to the magic. He knew next time he'd have an easier time of it, and could now shape Cha just as easily with morphing as he could his flesh body. Another thought also occurred to him in the moment. If he could shape his body with morphing... And his Aura with Auristics... He could take on such a form even more so, even enough to fool an aurist looking at him.

[Xii]

Now deep into her meditations, Xii worked for quite a while, the scroll pressed to the shifting, changing hand. The bones were what she put her attention on, the muscles a close second, and she got a feel for the way the bones were placed ~and how the muscles attached to them~ by how they responded when she pulled the girl's strings and made the bones move. Altogether, it was a smooth process with little halting. Xii was unconcerned by any sounds of discomfort her instrument released, which often came when a mistake was made. Mistakes seemed to cause the inner music ~and thus the flesh~ to go wrong. Once the thumb seemed to pop right out of the socket as she accidentally narrowed the cavity there too much, and she was forced to use the girl's free hand to shove it back into place, narrowing the base of the bone as she did so that the two parts would fit together. She found, throughout the process, that the drawings of the dog bones she had noted down were not all that different from the humanoid bones that she now manipulated. There were still bones that went to the wrist, bones that were in the palm, bones that made the fingers, but they simply held different shapes, elongating here, fracturing into new sets there. The dog, for instance, seemed to only have four fingers ~or toes, whatever they were called~ on his paw, something that was mildly confusing... until she realized that the fifth, the thumb, had migrated up and back to form a lump on the side, which had been overlooked until now. Xii adjusted the music of the morphing accordingly, and slowly and surely ~the face of the girl beginning to shimmer slightly with sweat in the mirror, now folding into a look of deepest concentration~ the hand creaked and formed its way into a shape closely resembling a paw. A naked paw, however. Before going onto the skin, the next step was to check how the muscles worked, and Xii gave the girl a series of movements to complete. Her subject was able to finish most of them, though her face flashed pale-white in pain when she tried to move her wrist a certain way, and Xii had to figure out what had gone wrong with the muscles there and how to fix it. That took a good while, a tweaking process that involved shifting the muscles slightly, then having her test the movement again, and then shifting again until finally they got it right. By the time Xii turned her attention to the skin, the girl was beginning to blush high on her cheeks, a sign of fever, and the hand-turned-naked-paw shook slightly as Xii commanded her to raise it. Xii hardly cared about this though, too immersed in completing her work. The skin was even more difficult than the rest, simply because she had not had much time to study it before the sight spell had worn off. She did her best to copy what she had seen... but at the same time Xii knew, just knew that this guessing could have mostly been avoided. Had she had that seeing magic she had used before, she could have altered the skin much more quickly and efficiently. As she was she slogged through the work, having the girl pinch and poke at the flesh as it first grew too soft then too hard, then too thin as if it was no thicker than paper. Finally it seemed to come to a consistency that would fit what she remembered, able to grow the proper sort of fur. As she forced the girl onto the next ~and probably final~ step, she heard her let out a harsh breath, then another. Oddly Xii's own vision started to flicker, black-and-grainy-white. After a short pause things seemed to go back to normal except for a slight ringing sound, which was extremely annoying considering the music that the morphing seemed to rely upon. Anxious now, thinking she didn't have much time left, Xii hurried on. The fur, at least, was easy. It seemed ready to burst forth from the girl's flesh as if it too wanted to complete the transformation. One tick the skin over the paw was hairless as a human's... and then it was covered in short, velvet-looking fur. The color was not as dark as the dog's fur was, just a tad lighter ~more of a dark, rich brown~ and a bit thicker. Xii turned her attention to the pads on the bottom of the paw, trying to get them to just the right hardness. Suddenly she felt a jolt of pain strike through her, through her head as if someone had split it with an axe. Her vision went black. She had a moment to hope that the paw-side arm was still in place on the scroll, so that the finished paw might be recorded. Then the pain shattered through her again and her concentration broke with it. ... When Xii was next aware she found that she was herself again, her mind one with her body. She was still sitting and she didn't think she had passed out completely for she hadn't fallen... though it was hard to remember what exactly had happened. She could have been out ticks or chimes or longer. She didn't know. Her head had fallen forward against her chest as if it was too heavy to lift. Xii bobbled it into an upright position, where it throbbed painfully with every beat of her heart. When she put her left hand to her face, she discovered two things. One, that her hand had returned back to normal, and that it was really, incredibly sore and hot and a little swollen. Two... blood. Her fingers came away red, and when she looked down she saw the bright liquid drip down her front. A nose bleed. Head aching, she pressed her nose to her back of her hand. She remembered, all of a sudden, that she was not alone, and turned wobbling to speak to Sullins. "The... scroll. Did... did I do it?" She felt faint, the words rasping as they left her throat.

[Clyde Sullins]

As Clyde finished his work, he noticed something... A tingle. Perhaps it had been there before, the gentle buzz of djed on the air, of magic, or perhaps it was only now that he'd stopped attempting his own magic that he noticed this other instance of djed usage. Breaking his eyes from Cha for a moment, he noticed Xii finally, and recalled what he'd been ignoring. The thrum, the sounds, and the sounds of her pain. Not of himself, but of the girl before him. He'd known she wasn't the best at control, but he'd yet to see her attempt a full instance of magic. And clearly she was pushing to far in this instance, and not stopping. As he rose Cha wobbled, bending and flexing about its midpoint, carrying along another thrum of djed on the air that whistled along Cha's length and echoed into his own body. The thrumming however had a sour note to it, as if it was slowly turning, growing harsher. Her pale face and clear signs of pain where another sign showing she was pushing herself too hard, not knowing when to stop. And yet at the same time bits of her seemed reddened as if with a deep blush, of a raised heat, almost contradictory to the paleness he also saw. The sound of her breathing was just as harsh and grating as the djed he felt tingling along his nerves. Clyde knew what he had to do. Stop her. The clearest and quickest means were the most physical. Knock her out, knock her unconscious, and she'd be unable to use her magic. After all it took conscious concentrated will. Without that the effects would fade, and he'd have a chance to talk to her. With the intention of knocking her out, Clyde stepped forward, Cha in hand, aiming to strike her in the side of the head with the staff and knock her out, all in one clean strike. Unfortunately in his haste Clyde forget he'd been morphing Cha moments before, and that she'd yet to return to normal. As he rushed at the girl and aimed a swing at her head, the side of it, Cha bent in an odd fashion. Instead of striking her in the side of the head the staff bent and twisted, swinging and smashing the girl right in the face, mainly in the nose. With the impact the girl staggered and then came to a stop, her eyes closing and then opening and showing the whites for a moment. Perhaps it hadn't worked quite as well as he'd hoped, but still she'd been knocked pretty well and perhaps had been stirred out of her train of thought that was so clearly wrong. He'd probably not mention his part in her injury. Though since the alternative was to let her go further and further into overgiving, due to her clear lack of restraint, he stood by his decision. Xii stilled for about a chime or so, before finally stirring and becoming aware of her surroundings. At her question Clyde simply shook his head, truly angry at the girl for her actions, and perhaps for the first time raising his voice at her. “Who cares about the petching scroll you idiot girl! You nearly killed yourself doing exactly what I told you to petching not do! To not push yourself to hard, and to not try to do to much at once!” By know Clyde's own magic had worn off, and Cha was once more solid and whole, though Clyde could feel the beginnings of a headache growing. If that was caused by his own magic usage, or simply by stress or his annoyance, Clyde couldn't say. “Clearly you can't be trusted with your own magic. We talked so much last time, about control, about stopping, about not pressing yourself beyond your limits, and what did you do? Saw a limit and pushed on heedlessly! I don't care what you might do or not, until this has been fixed, no more magic at all for you! At all! Not so much as a minor suggestion or altering a toenail!” “You know, I'd considered taking you on, taking you as a permanent pupil under my protection. Of having you sign a true contract and oath and showing you fully what I have to offer you. But clearly that would be a poor investment with how you treat yourself. And I don't mean your morphing. Why should I value you, if you think yourself expendable and push on regardless of the danger?” “What were you thinking? No really, what were you thinking? What was your thought process as you did magic, as the strain struck you, as you pushed too far? Perhaps if I understand that, I can figure out what is going through your petching mind.” Clearly if Clyde did oath the girl, one of the stipulations would be a bit about hindering her from pressing on into overgiving as she was so clearly inclined to do.

[Xii]

Out of all the reactions in all the world, why did he have to choose the loudest? As Sullins erupted at her, the girl winced, head splitting with pain as she automatically snapped back from such a torrent. Unfortunately Xii still didn't feel right. The motion caused her body to lurch, and she nearly overbalanced and spilled backwards. After that Xii put her right hand on the floor to help keep herself upright, her left still pressed to her aching nose. She wasn't feeling so good, and she didn't know how to deal with this. She might have wanted to put some space between them, but she didn't think she could walk. It added to her confusion that Sullins' anger just didn't make any sense. What did he mean, who cares about the scroll? Wasn't that what he wanted? He'd... had he changed his mind? Or... had he not wanted it really, in the first place? Her head hurt more as she tried to figure out the meaning behind his words, and if it was a trick or if the scroll had been a test...? Even more confusing was when he started talking about her not using her magic, or being his pupil and something about a contract, and then suddenly he plunged into talking about her self-value. She did value herself, why would he think that? She valued herself much more than anyone or anything else. What did... what did morphing have to do with that? He spoke like it mattered to him whether or not she was hurt. But why would it matter? Because of the things he wanted from her? The hypnotism? Or... or what? She didn't know. All she knew was that her head hurt. Her nose and her hand, too. At the demanding questions, she answered disjointedly, "I don't. Didn't. I didn't push. I don't..." Her brain seemed to have disconnected from her mouth. She grimaced, trying to work through it. "I don't know. I don't feel it. What... what strain? It's not me. It's... I'm not me, okay? I don't feel anything. There's me, and there's 'the girl' and she's not me. I can't feel what she feels, if it hurts. Not until it's over. When it's all over." The words still weren't working quite right. Xii didn't know if any of that made sense at all. She gritted her teeth but found that hurt her nose, so she stopped, blinking, eyes tearing at the pain. It was difficult to go on, but finally she managed to say, "I was thinking about the paw, there wasn't anything else. It all goes away. So how can I know... how can you know..." Reviewing his questions was distracting her, and she trailed off. The way he'd asked made her think something, like somehow she had been doing something wrong. Like she'd been morphing wrong. But how... how would he know? She'd taught him. So how would he know what was wrong or not? Her teacher, before, not Sullins but the other one... this was how he'd taught her. He hadn't... It hadn't mattered to him what she did or how. Wasn't this just a part of it? Just until she got good enough that it went away?

[Clyde Sullins]

It was clear the effects on her were worse than Clyde had first thought. She could barely sit up, and was acting like a drunken oaf as she reeled back from Clyde's words. She couldn't even sit up without using a hand to support her. From her confused response Clyde was unsure if her mind had been addled in the process, or if she was simply exhausted. Or if she simply didn't understand the question. That was always a possibility when dealing with magic and the more esoteric and hard to pin down nuances of things. After pondering her answer for a few moments, Clyde had a half idea of what she might mean, and perhaps what her problem was... A matter of perspective and possibly valuation. In morphing one had to separate themselves from their self... To see their body as a thing to be shaped and molded, which could be disconnecting. So in Xii's case she was going so far as to not feel as if the body was even hers at all, but just some random object, some other girl, a piece of garbage floating on the side of a canal. Clyde on the hand, perhaps instinctively, hadn't been thinking of his outer self as such. Or perhaps it had more to do with Cha... When he'd focused on his body as an object, he'd also been considering Cha, something that was a thing but also a part of him, but also something he highly valued. So in thinking of his body as a thing, he'd thought of it as a thing like Cha, something he was attached to and deeply liked and valued, that he still did not wish to come to harm. In the moment when he'd first done it he hadn't considered any of this, hadn't thought it out logically, but in comparing to Xii's process and his own, in reflection in became somewhat clearer and obvious. While they both saw their outerbody as a foriegn object, Xii seemed to feel no attachment to it, while Clyde felt it as a thing he valued. “Yes, that body, that... Girl... In the moment she is not you. But that doesn't mean you should ignore her or forget about her, not care about her. Think of her as a high value person or object, something that if it was destroyed or irrevocably harmed you'd be hurt or upset... Perhaps that's a better way of thinking of it? Emphasize. Don't wish her pain, don't use your actions to inflict upon her and harm her. Surely you could do what you do more carefully, if it meant not harming that friend or thing you value? Giving her a rest when she needs it?” Clyde paused for a moment, by know having calmed down a bit from his earlier outburst. Now he was speaking closer to how he normally did. Though he was still annoyed at the girl for her foolish actions. “Perhaps though... Perhaps thinking as such would help you in not going to far, to not overgive. Or perhaps thats not the problem... But if you keep pushing yourself too hard, end up harming that girl, you'll have nothing to morph, nothing left behind. You wouldn't spend all your money today if you knew because of it you'd starve tomorrow, would you? Think long term. If you keep up how you've been doing, going past your limits and harming yourself, you'll be lucky if you last through the season, if you don't get yourself killed outright.” “Perhaps you'd be willing to sign an oath to me, to work for and with me, to be under my protection and tutelage. But I'd certainly need to make a aspect of it something to hinder you from overgiving. Perhaps such an oath would be for the best, as perhaps you just don't have the control to do what you need to do without an outside influence forcing you.”

[Xii]

To think more highly of the girl... to think that way towards anyone... that was new, and Xii struggled to accept if it was a good idea or not. It was hard to think that someone else should matter so much. And she was still so confused, but it was easier now since Sullins had stopped talking so loud at her. The girl was her. She knew that. She knew the girl was her. But when she was morphing she didn't know that. Then the girl turned into someone else, someone with different feelings and different wants... wants that often tried to go against what Xii wanted, since Xii wanted to do more, to morph more. The girl, she never wanted to do that. She wanted to stay nice and whole and unhurt. She had no daring. And now Clyde Sullins was telling Xii that she should listen? To someone who was trying to hold her back? Now that she was out of the morphing, she knew... or she thought it made sense, didn't it? If she just listened to the girl, since the girl was her body and her body knew when to stop... but at the same time it was hard to value the girl's opinions over her own. Or to value the girl at all. But she supposed she must try. Sullins had said. And if he was right about dying, well she shouldn't want the girl to die~ herself, her body to die. She didn't want that. No. So if she just thought of the girl as something that could be all used up, like Sullins said, maybe that would work. Maybe she could think of the girl like how she thought of money, as a sort of power. Not hurting her meant the power to come back. To be herself again, her mind and her body together and not hurt, like now. Which would be easier. Yes. Maybe she could do that. Xii had closed her eyes while she was thinking, because that meant less distractions, but now she opened them again. She took her hand from her nose and the blood looked less bright and wet and red, so the bleed must've stopped. Now she tested her fingers~ much as she had made the girl test them before, though now it actually hurt her. All of her hand hurt, and it looked puffy. But her thumb was the worst. She could... could wiggle it but only a little. She wanted to poke at it with her other hand to test the injury, but... no. When she tried to move she still felt like she would tip over. She wanted to lay down, maybe that was a good idea... but she couldn't figure out how. She didn't want to do it wrong and fall on her aching head. Sullins was saying something more and it caught at her attention. The Zithling looked up. "What... what oath?" 'An outside influence forcing you.' She didn't think she liked the sound of that. She didn't know what that meant. Did he mean himself? He would force her? "What... would it do?" Still, something about what he said sparked a familiar feeling inside, one that helped with the lingering confusion, if not with the headache. Interest. He'd said... he'd said she would work for him and with him? And 'protection and tutelage.' And that definitely interested her.

[Clyde Sullins]

Watching Xii's response, it did seem that she was at least considering his words, even if she perhaps did not fully understand them. A good first sign. Whether she agreed or not was less clear. Her questioning of the oath he mentioned in passing, and of what it would do, was more or less expected. He certainly didn't expect her to just sign a blanket oath without considering it. At this point the longest part of an oath was wording it, the actual crafting of it was simple enough. “An oath, a true oath, a Grand Oath. Its a contract of sorts that you sign and would agree to. What it does depends upon what we put into the oath, what we decide upon, but you cannot break an oath. Its an agreement and promise that you make and cannot break.” “Which considering your issues with control, might be in your own best interests. The specifics... Well we'd need to agree on those, work them out. You'd need to agree to certain things... To not bring harm to me or my standing, my being, or my possessions, nor to undermine me. To not use magic on me without permission. Or to do those things indirectly or through other people, or inaction. And to work for and assist me. In turn I'd offer you my protection and tutelage, and other considerations. Help you to grow as a mage.” “Along with a few other things... Like the bit I said before, about you not using magic beyond your limits, and to stop when you begin to go into overgiving, not to press on regardless. The specifics would need to be worked out and worded.” “Along with specific clauses or exceptions. Such as say... You'd be allowed to push your limits if your life was directly and immediately in danger, and your use of magic was the only way to save your life or to not break another aspect of the oath, or something like that.”

[Xii]

The way he said 'cannot break' occupied her. He said it like... like he really meant it. But how would signing something do that to her? What would make her stop from breaking it...? Magic, she thought. It must be another kind of magic. He had so many. His concern with her not doing him harm seemed to jangle around in her head for some reason. Xii wished she was thinking more clearly. Maybe... maybe sitting up, breathing deeply ~through her mouth, not her nose~ would help? She tried to take a better sitting position, tottering. But finally she found her balance enough to do it, crossing her legs. With her back straight, her head felt better titled to one side. So she did that. Okay. To not bring harm to his being, his standing, his stuff, or to 'undermine' him. To not use magic on him unless he said. Or to not do any of that stuff indirectly... so she couldn't try to make it happen in other ways. How... how did he know that she might turn on him? And how was she supposed to get back at him if... if he tried to do any of that stuff to her? Formulating questions was a headache, literally, but she pressed on. "How... what includes 'indirectly'? Like me trying to do any of that stuff? Or like... like what if it was an accident? I don't... ungh." She titled her head the other way, squinting past the pain. "I mean, what if I did something and that made something else happen... but like, I didn't mean it to happen...? Would that count?" "What is 'inaction', too? Um. Like what if by taking action it... it... it would hurt me somehow? What then? Would I have to do it anyway?" "What 'work' would I have to do for you? What if I wasn't good enough to do what you asked?" That one stung her pride as much as her head. But she thought... didn't she need to ask it? Like what if he asked her to do something she could never ever do? Like something impossible? "And what counts... what counts as 'protection'? From... even from you?" "And the oath... how long is it for? Does it ever end?" She thought she was keeping up and her words seemed to be coming together again so they made more sense, but she didn't know if she was asking all the best questions or not. This conversation... it felt important. Like if what he said about the oath, about how she couldn't break it even if she tried... if that was true then it was really important to get things right. Right? She wanted to learn what he had to teach her. And she didn't want to get caught by those slavers... so his protection would be good, then. She'd wanted that before. But she didn't know about this contract. And because she didn't know what it was exactly, she was wary of it. At least until she did know.

[Clyde Sullins]

Clyde let out a deep breath, as Xii asked another series of questions. Though unlike many of her questions, these at least made sense in the setting. This was the type of situation where questions were warranted. Which meant if nothing else she was taking things seriously. “Indirectly means... Just that, not directly. Like telling someone else to do it, or by setting a trap, or giving certain people the right information so that they'll do what you wish even without you ordering it, perhaps by convincing them its in their own best interest. Or plotting. Indirectly is any means not direct that you might use knowingly.” “An accident is an accident though. What can't be known can't be enforced. Like... If you opened a door suddenly, and accidentally stubbed my toe, that's an accident. But if you approached the door, and heard some noise, or me talking, and thought it was me, knew it, then it'd be on purpose if you tried to stub my toe. Right?” “However... If you had suspicions, if you thought it might lead to one of those prohibited things, that there was a chance or it was likely, then that'd be not allowed. Like if I told you a secret, and you knew if it got out it would hurt my standing, or my name, then you'd not speak of it in public or where others might hear, wouldn't leave notes telling of it where people might find it. You'd take due care to avoid it getting out. Understand?” “But if its totally not foreseeable, then you can't be expected to not do it. Like if you kicked a tree, and an apple fell, which attracted a squirrel, which got chased by a bear, and the bear attacked me, you couldn't foresee those things happening right?” “Inaction is... The lack of action. Doing nothing. Like if you saw someone sneaking up on me with a knife in hand, ready to stab me, you couldn't just stand there and do nothing. Perhaps if you knew I had no chance of defending myself from the threat you'd have to aid me, but if you knew reasonably that simply by alerting me to the threat I'd reasonably be able to defend myself, you wouldn't need to take on the assailant. See? Its about due care, reasonable reaction. You can't by inaction let one of those unacceptable things happen, but you don't necessarily have to intercede or get hurt blocking it. It would be situation dependent though. But in general, I'm pretty skilled, I can take care of most threats as long as I have time to react.” The list of questions was quite long, but Clyde knew he had to work through them and settle them. For if he made an oath, but she wouldn't sign it, it would be useless. He needed to address all the issues up front. “As for work... I'm not totally certain. Its not like I can give a complete list. You'd help me in my work, with my experiments, aid me if you can help. Go with me where I am sent, and work towards accomplishing my goals alongside me. But as I said before, I can't ask for what can't be done. I can't ask you to lift a mountain or some such nonsense.” “And as for protection... That means protection. It means I'll look out not just for me, but also your interests. That might come in many forms, might not always be clear to you, but at the end of the day you'd be better off and better served by being under my protection. It means looking out for you in the long term, and keeping you alive, even against your own stupidity.” “As for the oath... A promise is a promise. We might perhaps add a clause where by which you would no longer be expected to work for or serve me... Conditions to be met or such. But otherwise, an oath is an oath.”

[Xii]

It sounded like a lot of stuff to Xii. But really thinking about it... there were three parts, right? One, that she would work for Sullins, though she didn't know exactly how or what she might have to do. Two, he would protect her and help teach her to be a better mage. Three... that she would not be able to try to harm him ~his person, his possessions, his reputation~ in any way. But just because there were only three parts didn't mean it wasn't complicated. Mainly she was concerned about the last part. She wanted freedom. She hated being constricted and told what to do, and she hated following orders when she wanted to do something else. That didn't mean that she wouldn't... but it was one of the things she disliked most about being around other people. They limited her. They thought differently than she did. And they expected so much. This deal was somewhat like that itself. By now the Zithling's head had mostly cleared, except for the headache that would probably stay all day. Her face hurt and her hand hurt and she was tired. It would take a lot of effort to collect her thoughts and put into coherent words the biggest concern she had. But she had to explain, even if it meant risking the whole deal. When she spoke she did so slowly, as if to make sure she got it right. "Okay," she started, "but what about the things I want to do? What if the things I want aren't what you want or approve of? If we work together that means we'll be connected to one another. This oath will do that too, right? Connect us. So anything I do might affect how others view you." "I can't sign anything until I know that I'll be able to follow my own pursuits. I also can't tell you what those are. I don't know yet. If I have to travel around with you, they'll probably change from one place to the next. What I can say is that most of them will have to do with Rhysol, or power, or both. Because of that... because of that they'll involve the things that Rhysol stands for. Chaos especially, though maybe the rest." "Chaos is not predictable. Maybe sometimes it is, I don't know. But if the things I do have to do with chaos... and as such may be considered 'bad' by most people... and if doing 'bad' things is usually risky... then that might be a problem, right?" She paused, head throbbing unpleasantly, then smiled wanly through the blood dried to her face. "I can't promise that I won't affect your personal standings just by being how I am. Other than that I think I would like to sign the deal. But I can't sign away myself ~what makes me me~ just to have protection or a good teacher. I have to know that I'll be able to do at least some of the things that I want to do. No matter if they may have 'bad' consequences."