[Aidara's Scrapbook] It's Real For Us

by **Aidara** on January 31st, 2012, 12:49 am

Xalet-

Thank you for the encouragement! This is why I do these scraps. I am honest so I can get honest feedback. Whether it be positive or negative, I can take it!

I think if there was a table full of things that aren't good for you in front of me, the hardest one to turn down would be pizza for sure. Unfortunately I don't really 'work out'. I have been trying to make myself get up every morning and take a walk with the dog. Long or short, I know it's important to get out and get moving. I eat breakfast first and then go. However, my willpower just doesn't seem to get me up every morning like I should, so I know I need to improve on that. I don't have a home gym nor the funds to buy a membership, so I'm working with what I have for now.

Jen-

I have always said that I am one of those people that eat to live, not live to eat. While this is still mostly true, now that I have cut out a lot of the things that I enjoy I found that I do like to eat.

But you're right, I can't look at it as the enemy. I really can't, and I have been to an extent. I'm glad you put it like that because I know that I never would have come to that conclusion on my own. I love responses like these. I get in my own train of thought and sometimes it's hard to look at it from another perspective. In fact I was thinking of "treating myself" on the way home from lab for being so awesome. But like you said, that little slippage just leads to more.

Unfortunately, that is kinda how weight watchers does it. you get X points for the day and N points for the week to save for a 'splurge' or use as you like. I have been mostly ignoring the N points because I don't feel like "splurging" is a good idea. That doesn't mean I can't ever have something that isn't good for me. I need to have it when the occasion permits, like a birthday, not as a reward or because I'm sad or happy or anything like that. That just breeds dependency on food.

I am getting to the point where I don't think about food as the enemy or the solution, I'm not quite there yet, but after reading what you and Xalet said, I think I am doing better mentally than I thought.

by **Aidara** on February 11th, 2012, 2:38 am

Some Serious Wallowing

I've been sick for two weeks now. When it first started, I was so absolutely sick that I thought I had food poisoning. However, when someone else in the house woke up with the same exact complaints and symptoms, I realized that it was just a really bad flu. Ever since then I've been feeling blah. Just no energy, really tired for no reason.

Ian ended up with a cough four days ago and he went to the doctors for it; He's had pneumonia within the past couple months and once that happens, you get it again and again. So we were looking for some prevention. I thought it was simply a cold that moved into his chest, but apparently we were incubating the flu this entire time, because now I'm sick all over again.

I can't bring myself to eat anything other than soup, my nose wont stop running and my throat and sinuses hurt so bad I think I'm going to stab someone else in the eye so they can suffer along with me. I'm a really bad sick person. I try not to complain too much, but when the pain or discomfort is especially bad, I can't seem to pull myself away from just dwelling on it.

I was going to post for Cailet multiple times over the past two days but I open up the word document and just stare at the page. I can't get words out. So I've been playing TOR instead.

And I want CHOCOLATE. LOTS OF CHOCOLATE. Damn.

by **Phoenix** on February 13th, 2012, 4:04 am

Thanks to lots of sitting, doing nothing and sleeping, I am feeling considerably better now that the weekend is ending. The cold has moved from my head into my chest, which isn't a good sign but as I have a doctors appointment I am confident that I can nip this in the bud. As a whole, I find coughs/sore throats much more tolerable than any kind of head or sinus infection. Ick.

The only thing I am worried about is my Chemistry lab tomorrow. Lots of fumes and standing up for three hours might be a little tedious after literally sitting down for almost four days. We'll see what happens. Maybe my professor will take pity on me. Cross your fingers, yeah?

Everything else seems to be going a-okay. I was supposed to go take my test for my Cali drivers license on friday but I completely forgot. This will be the second time that I have just completely (if unintentionally) blown it off. I hope they don't keep track and use it against me. -_-

I've also been thinking about doing some more Solo's with Cailet. Thus far, I have built her up (in the few threads that I've done, but mostly in my head) to be this badass fighter. It's waaaaaaaaaaay out of my comfort zone, and as of right now she has almost no skills to back up her bluff. The problem is I have almost no idea how to do a training/fighting thread (Addy is more love than fight

) nor do I know how to do with without making it completely tedious and boring.

Any suggestions would be awesome for this. They are all going to be flashback therads to when she was a Shinya in Lhavit. I'm even up for some way-way in the past flashbacks of before she came to Lhavit, so if anyone in the Kalea region is interested please let me know.

But most importantly I'm looking for tips on how to write this stuff. I've honestly always avoided it because it's stupid. Cailet fights with a staff. I've never even specified because I don't know what type to use, how to use it or... anything.

Take pity on a girl, eh?

by **Hermit** on February 17th, 2012, 6:42 am

We'd love to have you, Cailet. I am sure that any of your needs can be met to make your stay in Lhavit pleasant, even be it in the past. Sorry to jump in your SB, Aidara.

by **Aidara** on February 17th, 2012, 7:04 am

I am Phoenix and Aidara and Cailet are both my PCs so no apologies needed!

by **Hermit** on February 17th, 2012, 7:29 am

Yeah, I should've picked up on that. Ah, well. I will be reading up on your thread and getting that done tootsweet. Good luck with your tests and your license.

by **Aidara** on February 17th, 2012, 1:21 pm

So I accidentally fell asleep at 6-7pm-ish. I'm not exactly sure the time, I just know that I woke up at 11:30pm cussing like a sailor. It's almost 5am now and still not tired! Just when I start feeling better, I mess up my sleeping hours.

Goal: Stop swearing. I had to backspace multiple times in those few short sentences to delete the words that came out so easily. I also detailed myself as "cussing like a sailor". Enough said.

I love looking at pictures of animals. I find it fascinating and if I had the attention span, I would be saving all the ones I loved and orginizing them into pretty little folders on my computer. But I don't have the attention span, so only a handful of the ones I peruse make it into the "saved" category.

When I was younger, I loved cats. My mom even hung a cat-border-wallpaper thing around my room. I have pictures of it still and it's heinous. My grandmother still gives me cat shirts and sweaters, no joke. The domesticated feline is no longer my most favoritest of animals but I do love them so. The picture above looks almost exactly like a cat I had during this time of obsession, named Simba.

That got me reminiscing. I remember a lot from my childhood, but there are a lot of gaps. My mom loved taking pictures and making videos that, at this point, we have all watched to death. I'm not sure how many of these memories are real and how many are fabricated by what has been filmed and photographed. Granted, when I was younger having a camera was an extreme luxury (for us) as those little hand held ones with the mini cassettes were still pretty expensive. We don't have many tapes until we start to get older. All that stuff I can remember fine.

But once I start remembering, I can't stop. I linger on regrets, missed opportunities, painful memories, and lost friends. It's bittersweet. There are a lot of things from my past that I can't let go. My best friend growing up moved away when we graduated high school and I have barely kept in touch these past six years even though we were once as close as sisters. When we do talk, it would be as if no time passed at all except for the fact that the people she mentions in her stories have no reference points with me and vice versa. The sad truth remains is I have no idea what's going on in her life. I deal with it though. If it was super important to me, I'd make more of an effort to call, wouldn't I?

What makes me sad is when I start thinking of rekindling out friendship I remember all our arguments as we grew older, all the shallow things she said to me and the superficial aspect of her personality that was constantly poking and prodding at my biggest insecurities. Her motto was that brutal honesty was okay, because it was honest and it's good to be honest, right? You're the baby if you get offended by her very offensive comment, because she was just being honest. So, like sisters, we fought. And it sadly still keeps me at a distance today. There are only so many times you can complain about being 'fat' infront of your overweight friend before it starts to stick, chafe, and hurt. I think one of the last things I said to her before she left was "Jenny, you're fifty pounds lighter than me. If you're so disgustingly fat and ugly, what does that make me?" Cue tons of insincere comments about how beautiful I am.

See? I get stuck on what sucked. There are far more positives than negatives, but for some reason it's the negatives that stick out when I think about us and it keeps her off my Recent Calls list.

Then I move onto my broken years as a teenager. Bad shit happened and I couldn't get past it, losing myself in the internet world. AOL was big then, and it was a program not just an e-mail service. It sucked and I spent all my time online. Constant fights with my parents, especially my dad who made it clear he thought I was a loser for loving the technology, made up my daily life. However, if I didn't have that then, I don't think I would have loosed my creative side and I never would have ended up here at Miz. That was the beginning of my RP days.

It's also where, looking back, I think I fell in love for the first time. I was 16 and he was four hours away, but I met him on AOL. Scoff if you'd like, laugh at me or shake your head, I don't really care. I didn't think it was love at the time.. In fact, I convinced myself it was a foolish infatuation that, in my "desperate to be loved" state, I just couldn't tear myself from. I was smart enough to keep a sort of distance that could have really... turned bad. Back then, the internet predators were running rampant for real. It was much easier to fool a girl out to a meeting then than it is now.

Still, I was a mess and it was unhealthy. I cried when he didn't come online and I sat there for hours when he was. I think I had a panic attack when my mom finally canceled the AOL service for... whatever she replaced it with. My AOL-RP-Chatrooms where ripped from me. I didn't even attempt to write seriously until I came to Miz eight years later.

It got me thinking that there are some things that you can never leave behind. There are some people that just stick in your heart and won't go away. I texted him today, and told him that I missed him. It was hard. It brought all those years back, but I accepted years ago that he wasn't going anywhere.

I'm stronger for all my decisions and everything I've gone through. I might regret some of them, yes, but I know that regardless of how I feel about it, I am who I am because of them.

I try not to let myself ramble. I still have a lot of issues, and when I just don't think and talk, or write, I seem to immediately dreg up everything that could possible effect me, good or bad. My rambling mind takes strange twists and turns, making connections with a word, color, sound, smell, memory that I can't even explain sometimes. I'm surprised I can keep any sort of train of thought when I write for my characters and that it doesn't just come out a whole big jumble. I start these scraps with one purpose in mind and end up with something completely different. I'm not an openly emotional person, not about the things close to my heart, I've come to realize. I'll cry in front of you, laugh, be irritated or angry. But my inner workings are my own and I keep them close....

But then I write a scrap like this? Like I said, it's not what I set out to do... but deleting it all now that I've written it out seems wrong. So, there ya go.

by **Aidara** on February 19th, 2012, 10:03 pm

Hairs

I got them all cut! On a whim, I had the hairdresser add some sweepy bangs, the likes of which I have never had the guts to try because my hair is extremely curly. She assured me that blow-drying the sweepy part so that it doesn't turn into a bunch of frizz will still look okay if I keep my hair curly. So here are my attempts at phone photography so I can show off my new 'do. Banana-ish curls today, because that's what my hair decided to do when I woke up. It has a mind of it's own.

Ignore the stupid looks on my facessssss :

by **Paragon** on February 19th, 2012, 11:41 pm

Loving the waves!

by **Aidara** on February 22nd, 2012, 7:08 am

So apparently my time management the past couple days has been horrible. I was going to catch up on all my posts yesterday, and didn't, and now it's 11pm and I still haven't finished my homework.

These lab reports are painfully long and my professor changed the due date from thursday to tomorrow. Totally not prepared.

So for those of you waiting, Sira, Enric, I WILL be posting tomorrow.

Fingers crossed.