Sometimes I get the feeling that I was born the wrong sex.

When I say that, I don't mean that I am gay or anything. I'm not. But there are certain things that happen in life and indeed in thread that make me think its true. Growing up, I always wanted to play the hero action figure. I never really wanted to play the petite girl that needed rescuing. I didn't even much like barbie. I loved the boy next door and we spent hours together playing. Our favorite thing was matchbox cars. We had tonka toys... and excavated big sand traps and landscaped whole worlds for our cars. Later when He Man and the Masters of the Universe came out, Sean got the whole entire action figure set. I loved playing HE-Man.. he had the coolest mount... a giant cat. Sean didn't mind letting me play him, because he loved She-Ra and her flying horse. We had epic adventures together, and cried like babies when he moved away when I was in the eighth grade. I met up with him years later, about twenty in fact, and we hugged and cried and were so glad to see each other all over again. Sean had bright blue hair that was died white at the tips, and was wearing a wedding band because he'd just married his life partner Mark. He thanked me for being the cool girl next door that always let him play She-Ra and never questioned it.

In a way, that made me sad.

I don't know how to be a wilting flower. I've never been needy. I'm not really much good at being a girl either. I have a few long flowing skirts in the closet and a couple of peasant blouses I wear with them once in a very long while. But mainly I live in jeans and a T-shirt (sometimes printed sometimes not).... an old worn pair of birks, ropers, or skater shoes. I have one functional set of pumps in the closet, and nice girly clothes that I rarely wear unless I'm going out on the town with Matt. This never really bothers me... not really. But today was rough. Everyone broke down at the yard. I was running around with wrenches like crazy. I changed out two headlights, fixed one fog light, changed out an airline, two pigtails, and jump started one truck with the goat. I had to rewire one ground in a trailer, and change out two lights in another one. A normal girl would have handed out the wrenches and told the boys to do it for themselves... but the boys were tired too and feeling their hours just as much as I was. Sometimes they need people to take care of them, and in that case, I'm good at that. I can change out a semi-trucks' headlight in about three minutes flat if someone holds a flashlight for me if its dark. They don't go so fast, because no matter how tired I am, they are worse. Their hours are longer, and the road plays hell on them. I know that. I have been there. So I do this... even though I think I'm crazy for doing so afterwards. And even if I feel a little sorry for myself and wonder why no one is taking care of me... why I have to fix everything, even if it is my yard. I just wanted to be the typical girl... one no one asked to help them because she's the one that needs help or a little bit of peace and quiet at least. I don't think that makes any sense... but tonight, and all day today, it did.

I guess I am really tired to be this melancholy.

I know when I wake up in the morning, I'll probably still be tired. I've been on a small break on here because work is consuming my life, and when that happens my writing suffers. As a mod, even as a pc, I get melancholy and whimsical. I meander off courses I've picked and tend to do radical things that in the end make the story better, but don't always leave people without scars. In the end, it all works out. But I still wander.

I'm thankful for Saturday off. Sunday I need to work, and probably a full shift, but I cant mind so much on double time... so I'll go in and tell myself all day that at least I'm finally getting paid what I'm worth. Hehehe... little do they know I actually love my job and might even do it for less.

But back to PCs. My last big stretch as a PC, I played the same one for three years solid... and loved every minute of it. My PC was strong.. knew what she wanted, and was very good at the things she took an interest in. She was also geared in a way that no one could hurt her... at least not the common person - mages or really good fighters were a different story. She loved knives and children and trained mercilessly. She never quite felt safe in her life due to her background. She had a wonderful mentor, a carefully spoken old man, that guided her footsteps and pulled her off the streets and introduced her to the world of jewelcrafting. She never looked back. She never even minded that he turned out to be a priest in hiding, the last of his kind... and she fought by his side for his cause because it taught her to value something enough to fight for it. So she lived a quiet life, worked her gold and silver, and loved things that could never leave her and were one hundred percent within her control. Someone once asked me why she never hooked up with any PC in a relationship. There were dates along the way, a romance or two, but nothing ever worked out. She jumpstarted a lot of PCs... took them off the streets like her mentor had for her, and gave them a life. She even ended up starting a cult for those that worshiped a deity associated with dreams... and became something like her mentor, a priestess in that faith. I miss her sometimes.... her wisdom, her steadfastness... the way she rode to a neighboring city with war relief supplies bought from her own wages, and came home with six orphans that because of her last name ended up being affectionately referred to as her "The Flock". But I think in the end, no one ever stood by her because of that strength. Sometimes people need to rescue others, defend them, protect them.. and sometimes even the defenders need defended. But she scared them away because she wasn't needy... ever.

I tried to go a different route with my current PC. I tired to make a lost wandering soul that was searching for something she thought would make her whole. I don't play these playbypost type games for romance, though that does spice things up and I really enjoy it. I live for the story... the journey from point A to point B and everything in between.... I want to see them grow, change, develop, and discover themselves like my previous pc did. I didn't want to go with a craftsman... as much as I love learning a craft (especially something I don't know irl) because it ties a person down to one place too much and keeps them from traveling. Of course, it also gave someone the ability to create a living place that became a sanctuary and mecca of sorts. So there is some benefit to that... though i have no idea what craft I'd actually pick if I did go with another craftsman. But anyhow, I wanted someone with a big flaw, a huge glaring vulnerability that even she needs protecting from... but balanced into that an independent streak, and an overarching need for love and acceptance. I also wanted a great keeper of secrets, a powerful interest or activity that was unique so throwing all those pieces together is a lot of fun. Shapeshifter. Mage. Stormwarden. Partner. But I worry she has the same old flaw... the same one someone once pointed out to me. Too proud, too strong, too independent. She'll never blush, faint, or worry about improprieties. She'll never need an escort or a defender in the traditional sense. Instead, she'll be a that for someone else. But does that diminish the partner? Take something precious away from them? Time will tell. I 'll keep working on her skills like I did my other lovely pc, until something tells me 'enough' and I turn to something else for her. I might even build in a system of checks and balances so she can change directions if the fears of the player holds out to be the reality of the game.

That's the fun of being a designer. And before you call fowl, anyone can be a designer too!

But for all my ramblings tonight... I'm still tired. But I think I will post before I go to bed. I'm feeling my PC channeling even now, and she's got some fun threads waiting for her. Maybe it will recharge her player a bit to get some of her voice out there. And now that I've got this all off my chest, I'm more inclined to say 'Who the heck cares?". "So what if shes tough and independent?" I still like her. I enjoy playing her, even if its writing solo... because needy never interested me. Blushing never did either. I might even finish a self mod thread or two tomorrow along with all the house cleaning, pet attention time, homemade food time, and a movie with my hubby if we can squeeze it in. We're both on six day work weeks, though hes mandatory for twelve hour shifts for the near future so he has it far worse. In fact, I think I'll wait up tonight to see I can talk him out of a hug before bed. Hugs fix a lot of things, don't you know? It's almost a magical release of stress, and thats mostly whats wrong.

Oh, and to that special lady that blew up at me today then apologized. Thank you. I was feeling lower than low, like a total jackass, and like the true friend you are, you came back and were the bigger of the two of us. I don't mind us fighitng once in a while, if you could even call the bickering that... but I'm always thankful we make up and apologize. You're a great person... don't ever forget that.

Hrm... I think I've rambled enough. It might be time to hit submit and go post.