I feel the urge to blog today rather than do mod posts because my mood has been so unpredictable lately and I think that regulates how I think a post is going to go or how I react to characters reacting to things that are written for them to help guide them in a certain direction. I don't want to be unpredictable. I find it interesting that some people blog about over-arching concepts, or about things that they feel will improve the game, or helpful writing tricks or tips. Folks often blog about fun facts like favorite numbers, songs, even pcs they no longer play - but rarely (unless you read between the lines) blog about themselves. However, like every rule there are exceptions. There are several people here that do blog about themselves... and I have a confession to make. Those are my favorite kinds. I love reading the rants, the raves, and everything in between. I love it when someone just has to get something off their chest and does so in the form of a blog. I don't care if its the kids someone has to deal with at work, or a gripe about parents, or even a rant about a teacher or employer. I like to feel the humaness of a person in the grip of a problem, a joy, a moment that will never again be that same way again.

I think that is probably why, back in my heavy blogging days, I used to mainly blog about myself. I really don't have any witty advice or helpful hints for anyone. In fact, I'm probably the last person that should be dispensing such things, so I go with what I know best - me.

I've been in a funk lately. And my funk has just gotten worse and worse, truth be told... but something happened today that made me come to a realization, and I actually feel better about myself than I have for about two weeks. Everyone chalks a funk in a female up to PMS or something like 'extreme work stress' or some other form of crisis in their world, but the truth is usually so far from that it's not even funny. Sometimes, people are even so rude as to suggest you 'go eat some chocolate' rather than really take the time to listen. They dismiss an angst out of hand, write it off, or pretend it will go away. Sometimes, folks, it doesn't. Ever. Normally it starts with something small, that builds on something else, that builds on yet a third thing... until it explodes either in reality or in the recesses of your mind leaving you dazed and confused and wondering where the heck your sanity went and why it didn't take you on vacation with it. I'd like to explain further about my funk, but its a hard one to narrow down. In life, there are some people, and I am decidedly one of them, that are incredibly hard on themselves, even for things that should be chuckled over and moved past. I sorta sit back in my own mind, call myself names, and proceed to beat myself up until I'm this cowering little girl hiding in some corner of my mind. I used to wonder why I did that... and why I was so hard on myself when I make mistakes. But then I met this friend who's considerably older than me, a whole lot wiser, who's got that gift that you see in people every once in a while... a gift of hitting the nail on the head. He isn't an easy man to get to know, and he certainly doesn't open up much or frequently. Ex-cop, retired, tough as nails, and with a deadpan face that would scare a blind man into seeing - X (We'll call him that) is amazing. Our friendship was slow in coming, and usually involved late night talks face to face, or in some deep dark corner of the world. Through the course of time, I ended up telling him my life story. Once we became friends, it was easy, because his life story came spilling out just as effortlessly. I wasn't slow in realizing he had a heart of gold and a smile that lit up the room... and he's more than my friend.. he's like an adopted father with a smattering of psychotherapist mixed in. He gives out band aids, hugs, and has some of the best jokes I know. His medical advice is stellar, and hes just knows a lot about a lot of things. Sometimes I think hes better than webMD or calling the advice nurse on your local health care facility. He wears many masks. For another friend, X is a personal trainer, and I have to say that friend is looking hotter than ever. He recently had me come out to his truck so he could show me something... he'd brought his weight lifting gloves. We were discussing options for me to continue to support my wrists at my job post surgery, and he brought his gloves to show me.. they were perfect. Of course. X is a problem solver, and I really appreciate that about him.

So, back to this funk.

Rather than spend hours and hours and good hard earned cash on a therapist, which heaven knows I probably need, I talk to X. He's a good listener, first and foremost, and secondly he knows the exact moment to laugh with you, to make those unhappy noises, or to burst into a temper (at the subject, at me, at whatever is apropos). Now, X isn't perfect, but his timing absolutely is. So is his ability to pick out the one single line you said somewhere in the discussion and throw it back at you making you see how stupid you can be when 'you'' are cutting yourself up over something that necessarily isn't important or needlessly required.

So two nights ago I had a chance to talk to X about stuff. I'm glad I did. Today, I took a different approach on things, didn't jump to apologize, so when the same old thing started to happen, I was more prepared.

We had a quiet talk, X and I, two days ago that lasted far longer than I would have imagined, and I told him all about my week and how things had been going. Which, truthfully, had in some ways been miserable. He picked out some key points, asked me some very pointed questions, then practically slapped me silly. I think I needed it. I saw some things about myself with new eyes, and decided to stop beating myself up about it like I do on a routine basis. We are who we are, and we cannot easily change, not at this late stage. When everyone else looks at me, they tend to see a strong person who's very opinionated. They think I'm hard headed and someone who won't listen to what everyone else thinks because she simply doesn't care. Worse yet, they see layer upon layer, so when I say one thing, they read another thing into it that isn't remotely there and was never intended to be. I'm not really like that at all - that strong person who knows no fear. I worry about absolutely everything. I'm insecure, weak, routinely feel dumb, and place everyone above me on the brains, beauty, and talent scales. I let people assign blame - and tell me how I should be feeling about doing something I have done - either real or imagined. I give them permission to be hurt, and then beat myself up for 'hurting them' even though somewhere in the back of my mind I'm still completely at a loss as to what the heck it was that made them so upset in the first place. People mistake joy or pleasure for expression of mockery. And at the end of it all, I feel like a monster. X says I try too hard to be liked, which would seem like nonsense, but it is in fact the absolute truth. There are no fix-its in life. There are no make-ups. Time changes very little... and wounds still stay raw. I don't care if you are 5 or 55, pain is still very real and it still hurts and you keep, in some small way, your whole life, trying to heal it. But it doesn't excuse what I have been allowing to happen all to frequently.

I won't be letting it happen any more. I'm not saying I'm a perfect person because I'm not. I do disappoint, make mistakes, forget things, and open my mouth when I shouldn't. We all do. The better of us, however, own it when we do. But X pointed out something important. Don't own what doesn't belong to you. I'm going to stop owning what never belonged to me in the first place. I'm going to stop apologizing over and over again for things I didn't do, just because others feel like I have, or decided to read into what I said rather than READ what I said. This is and has always been a pet peeve. I do not mock people. I do not harrass them. I don't even like teasing. I am a 'your dress makes you look 50 lbs heavier, never wear it again, my friend' sort, but I am like that because I want people to be like that with me. I am Jen, with all her forthrightness and what others have labeled lack of tact. Do you know what it really is? X pointed it out. It's a smattering of native honesty because I come from a people who are in no way shape or form designed to dance around social niceties. X should know. He married a native too, so he gets it. I have, for the last six years knowing this group of friends onlined, labeled myself tactless because it was handed to me and I took it up as if it was something I owned. I don't own it. I won't. Not any more. I am Jen. I am forthright. I am not Jen the tactless one. I am not anyone else, nor do I want to be. So don't offer me chocolate. Don't take me to task for fussing overly at something - I'm fussing cause I care. Seriously. Because honestly, after all the things people have said to me this week, that is the bottom line.

And honestly, everyone always points out... "Jen, your words have weight because of your position." That is wrong of everyone to think... absolutely wrong. Again, my opinion, but its the way I feel. People, your words should have weight because you are a HUMAN BEING, not because you have some colored title or helped start something that others like and gravitate towards. Titles have always been meaningless to me. It's the people behind them that count. X and I have forever agreed on this. I think its what broke the ice to begin with. I looked past his uniform, his stern face, his current job, and wanted to know the man that had a rare smattering of high intellect behind his eyes. So, I might complain, comment, and in the end I will be here to carry things when it gets slow or others have drifted, because for the most part I do what I say I'm going to do. I might even critique what others do, if they ask and yes publicly, in order to make their work better. But I'm not going to do so tactlessly. And don't make it out to be that way. It hasn't been. It never was. And you've been wrong. Now, sit back and laugh if you like if think this blog is tactless.... but again, its about me, not you. Remember that when you read it. There are a lot of things in life that simply aren't about you. If you think I'm talking about you in this blog, I'm not, and you should probably realize that. If you did, however, in the last 72 hours tell me to go eat chocolate, you might consider not saying that next time... it dismisses feelings for hormones and women hate that.