Ever since coming home after a year and a half of living an adventurous life abroad, I began to watch as my life seemed to unravel before me. It has been four months since I came home to Washington State after living in the Hawaiian Islands, India and Africa. I didn’t just wake up one morning and decide to go there. No, had my plans worked out the way I wanted them too, who knows where I’d be now. It was a gradual process of my life spiraling or of control until I hit rock bottom that started me that journey. But then I met someone who gave my life purpose, filled the void inside of me. He told me to go to those places and bring light everywhere I go.
Jesus, God of the universe sent me there.
I know a lot of people will read that, scoff, roll their eyes and potentially stop reading right there. And if so, that’s alright, I won’t be offended. This is more for myself than anyone else. But if you keep reading, I promise my life story ties into Mizahar.
So here it is.
Coming home, life was radically different from what I had been living. Jesus took me on crazy adventures, doing wild things and seeing the supernatural as heaven met earth in a tremendous clash of good verses evil. But as time went on here at home, I allowed myself to get drawn back into my old life. It wasn’t intentional, it sort of just happened as I slowly allowed myself to grow lazy and stop focusing on what was important. It was innocent things at first, things that didn’t look too bad. But over time they absorbed all my attention, attention that should have been directed towards the one who truly deserved it, the one who made life worth living.
Amidst my bouts of laziness, I found Mizahar.
Today I was stunned by a revelation about myself that came through two of my characters, Kel Tempest and Jay Ackina.
When I sit back and look at them with as much objectiveness as I can, I see bits of myself in both of them. Kel, a dark sociopath bent on pleasing no one but himself regardless of who he hurts and Jay, a selfless man who sees through the culture he lives in and embraces the suffering of people, treating them as they were supposed to be.
Both characters are more or less a reflection of myself. Before I met Jesus, I was Kel. His avatar is granted, better looking than me but his characteristics accurately portray who I used to be and who I secretly wanted to be. While I was rude, sarcastic and downright mean, I was not, however a killer (juuuust throwing that in there, for those of you who might wonder about that little detail of Kel, haha).
I put my needs above everyone else, covering my real emotions with a mask of confidence, arrogance even. On the outside I may have looked like I had it all together but on the inside, I was desperately seeking a way out. I was empty, hurt, broken; wanting to know what the purpose of being alive was after all I did to find happiness only resulted in me being empty inside. Nothing I did could fill that void I felt. I managed to conceal those parts of myself with a friendly attitude and charisma but they were still there, festering just below the surface.
But then I met Jesus and my life radically changed. He took the hopelessness away from me and replaced it with joy. He took the emptiness and gave me purpose. He brought me back from the dead and gave me life. All of a sudden, life was worth living because I found my identity. I discovered who I was meant to be.The brokenness and hurt was healed and I was made anew. I can’t describe what it is like to meet Jesus for real.
Not the Christian religion, not the Sunday morning church or the Christians who tell others they are going to hell. Not the Christians, who scream, curse or condemn the homosexuals, abortion and whatever else they feel they have the right to judge. But I met Jesus, the guy who is rarely talked about on television or shown on the news.
I became a lover of Jesus. The Creator of the universe loved me and did everything he could to show me that.
That day, Kel Tempest died. I was born anew and transformed into new person.
I became Jay Ackina, a lover of Jesus. I only know how to love people because he first showed me selfless love. Love with no strings attached.
A man who has a genuine, heartfelt desire to see people appreciated and respected for who they are. Not looking down on them based on what the culture tells them to be but to show them who they are meant to be as their Father in Heaven sees them as, his children whom he loves and cherishes deeply, ignorant of what society calls them.
God’s secondary goal is justice; we have humanity because he does. He wants us to love him and love each other. But we only see his judgment and say he can’t be love if he is willing to destroy people or allow war and starvation to happen. Jay understands that justice is necessary but he also sees the humanity in each person as being worth saving. Jay does what he can to share that with a world who refuses to see it.
Sitting back and thinking about myself, I can sometimes see Jay and Kel fighting for dominance inside of me.
The truth is I get to decide who I allow to win.
The more time I spent with Jesus, the more I become like Jay. The more I distance myself from him, the more I become like Kel. I know who I want to win, but as much as we as people want to deny it because it brings up hard questions we don’t want to face, our nature is geared towards evil; it comes second nature to us. It is easier to do bad things than it is to do good ones.
I never realized how alike I was to either of my PCs.
My own thoughts, opinions and emotions transferred to both characters subconsciously, a clash between light and dark. Being home has been both a blessing and a curse. It has allowed me to slow down and process everything I have experienced and witnessed. But it also gave me the choice to decide how I wanted to live my life. In the busyness, it’s easy to maintain one path. But when one slows down, it’s easy to doubt one’s choices.
Like I said before, this blog was more for myself than it was anything else. It has allowed me to process everything that has been whirling through my mind, albeit in a roundabout way. Life is short, so why waste it on things that don’t matter.
So in an odd way, God used Mizahar to reveal my inner self in an external way. I’d post this in my own blog, but let’s be honest. We all know you can’t talk about Mizahar and sound sane with anyone outside of the site. So thanks for any who took the time to read.
Jesus, God of the universe sent me there.
I know a lot of people will read that, scoff, roll their eyes and potentially stop reading right there. And if so, that’s alright, I won’t be offended. This is more for myself than anyone else. But if you keep reading, I promise my life story ties into Mizahar.
So here it is.
Coming home, life was radically different from what I had been living. Jesus took me on crazy adventures, doing wild things and seeing the supernatural as heaven met earth in a tremendous clash of good verses evil. But as time went on here at home, I allowed myself to get drawn back into my old life. It wasn’t intentional, it sort of just happened as I slowly allowed myself to grow lazy and stop focusing on what was important. It was innocent things at first, things that didn’t look too bad. But over time they absorbed all my attention, attention that should have been directed towards the one who truly deserved it, the one who made life worth living.
Amidst my bouts of laziness, I found Mizahar.
Today I was stunned by a revelation about myself that came through two of my characters, Kel Tempest and Jay Ackina.
When I sit back and look at them with as much objectiveness as I can, I see bits of myself in both of them. Kel, a dark sociopath bent on pleasing no one but himself regardless of who he hurts and Jay, a selfless man who sees through the culture he lives in and embraces the suffering of people, treating them as they were supposed to be.
Both characters are more or less a reflection of myself. Before I met Jesus, I was Kel. His avatar is granted, better looking than me but his characteristics accurately portray who I used to be and who I secretly wanted to be. While I was rude, sarcastic and downright mean, I was not, however a killer (juuuust throwing that in there, for those of you who might wonder about that little detail of Kel, haha).
I put my needs above everyone else, covering my real emotions with a mask of confidence, arrogance even. On the outside I may have looked like I had it all together but on the inside, I was desperately seeking a way out. I was empty, hurt, broken; wanting to know what the purpose of being alive was after all I did to find happiness only resulted in me being empty inside. Nothing I did could fill that void I felt. I managed to conceal those parts of myself with a friendly attitude and charisma but they were still there, festering just below the surface.
But then I met Jesus and my life radically changed. He took the hopelessness away from me and replaced it with joy. He took the emptiness and gave me purpose. He brought me back from the dead and gave me life. All of a sudden, life was worth living because I found my identity. I discovered who I was meant to be.The brokenness and hurt was healed and I was made anew. I can’t describe what it is like to meet Jesus for real.
Not the Christian religion, not the Sunday morning church or the Christians who tell others they are going to hell. Not the Christians, who scream, curse or condemn the homosexuals, abortion and whatever else they feel they have the right to judge. But I met Jesus, the guy who is rarely talked about on television or shown on the news.
I became a lover of Jesus. The Creator of the universe loved me and did everything he could to show me that.
That day, Kel Tempest died. I was born anew and transformed into new person.
I became Jay Ackina, a lover of Jesus. I only know how to love people because he first showed me selfless love. Love with no strings attached.
A man who has a genuine, heartfelt desire to see people appreciated and respected for who they are. Not looking down on them based on what the culture tells them to be but to show them who they are meant to be as their Father in Heaven sees them as, his children whom he loves and cherishes deeply, ignorant of what society calls them.
God’s secondary goal is justice; we have humanity because he does. He wants us to love him and love each other. But we only see his judgment and say he can’t be love if he is willing to destroy people or allow war and starvation to happen. Jay understands that justice is necessary but he also sees the humanity in each person as being worth saving. Jay does what he can to share that with a world who refuses to see it.
Sitting back and thinking about myself, I can sometimes see Jay and Kel fighting for dominance inside of me.
The truth is I get to decide who I allow to win.
The more time I spent with Jesus, the more I become like Jay. The more I distance myself from him, the more I become like Kel. I know who I want to win, but as much as we as people want to deny it because it brings up hard questions we don’t want to face, our nature is geared towards evil; it comes second nature to us. It is easier to do bad things than it is to do good ones.
I never realized how alike I was to either of my PCs.
My own thoughts, opinions and emotions transferred to both characters subconsciously, a clash between light and dark. Being home has been both a blessing and a curse. It has allowed me to slow down and process everything I have experienced and witnessed. But it also gave me the choice to decide how I wanted to live my life. In the busyness, it’s easy to maintain one path. But when one slows down, it’s easy to doubt one’s choices.
Like I said before, this blog was more for myself than it was anything else. It has allowed me to process everything that has been whirling through my mind, albeit in a roundabout way. Life is short, so why waste it on things that don’t matter.
So in an odd way, God used Mizahar to reveal my inner self in an external way. I’d post this in my own blog, but let’s be honest. We all know you can’t talk about Mizahar and sound sane with anyone outside of the site. So thanks for any who took the time to read.