Oh, I’d really, really like to post, but this is one of those days when I just sit in front of the screen and do nothing useful or productive at all. Since that’s both annoying for me and the people I’m writing with, I usually get depressed. And today is special in more ways than one, because yesterday has been incredibly important for my personal development. I’ve realized something about myself.

And discovering the truth is always painful.

I’m in seventh form now (Warning: Austrian school system, meaning two years away from graduation), and there are two new subjects: Chemistry and Psychology/Philosophy. The latter is far more interesting for me since it deals with problems and craziness of people and personalities and lifestyles. I don’t really want to explain our school system, but psychology is taught as a required and optional subject. While the required deals with general information such as different branches (cognitive, emotions, learning, illnesses etc.), which is less interesting to the layman, the optional is more interesting because the teacher started with developmental psychology and doing a personality test. Once you’re through that test, you have scores in four categories. Of course they do overlap and change within someone’s personality as time goes by, but I’m pretty sure that what is written for my type describes me very well.

Since I went on a shopping trip with my best friend yesterday, during which we usually talk a lot about ourselves and our relationship, I suddenly discovered my weaknesses and bad personality traits and nearly cried because of that awful feeling of helplessness. We had an argument, and after that she kept talking about ways to overcome the problem, then about a few problems of herself etc.

I’ve always had trouble with telling people to just shut up – that’s one of my problems. I’m an incredibly nice person. But at the same time I easily slip into the trap of bearing annoying situations just because I can’t say directly what I think. I’m too afraid of being rejected. Maybe I do worry too much about things. I don’t know.

I also realized that I’m afraid of change. My dream world would be a world that doesn’t move, doesn’t develop and doesn’t forget. As a consequence I have trouble with changing myself. Usually I just get mad at others, tell them what annoys me about them and don’t realize that rather than trying to change them, I have to change myself. The process is just so much harder and more painful, and that’s why I’m afraid of it.

However, I believe that the knowledge about what is wrong is a huge step into the right direction. I hope that I’ll keep being optimistic and changing myself – step by step, a little bit every day. I’m just a little bit depressed right now, because it seems like an infinite process and a huge task to fulfill.

Because of that I won’t post today, and because of that I don’t think whether I can even be domain storyteller of Mura. There’s so little time! Despite that, I really love the Konti, their city, their mentality, the NPCs I’ve created so far, and I really, really want to call them mine in the future and use them to help players enjoy Mural culture! Maybe I have to wait some time, until I’m sure.

Perhaps it’s just about the right approach. I think it’s possible to mod people when posting on the weekends. I know several slow posting moderators, and in my opinion their posts are of a high quality and it doesn’t matter if they’re a bit slower than the average player or mod.