Lamb to the Slaughter - Ayosel & Maore's Scrapbook

[Maore]

a start.

Hello, it's me! It's me again! Hi!

So, I'm going to introduce myself. My name is Remus, I'm 28, and I'm in the middle of another attempt at trying to get my life back together again. I've been on Mizahar for years and years in wildly different stages of activity with frequent bouts of inactivity, and recently just kind of like, lost my mind? I think it's coming together a little better now, and I'm in a rare mood upswing that can be attributed to nearly a year of being medicated for major depressive disorder. That, and a desire to get better. I have goals.

I'm from Canada. I was born a girl but I identify as agender and use they/them pronouns. It's important that I share this with you, because it's a huge part in trying to establish my identity. I am a two-spirit person, very queer, and probably a little unhinged. My name that I wanted people to use for me during my soul-searching years in the last decade was Annabella, and then Marie, and now it's Remus Marie. I'll go so far as to answer to Remy, though.

I really enjoy Mizahar. In the past I've gotten on some pretty nasty bandwagons in the community and, full disclosure, got banned for it. Totally justified. No grudges, no bad feelings, on my side. I deserved it.. I elected to come back around the time I made this character because I missed the site and everyone here. I'm here again, and was allowed to return, because I apologized for the things I said and I confessed to being the kind of shitty person who agreed with what was going on from that particular group.

I'm Slytherin, 100% of the way, kind of focused on the act of self-preservation at all costs (my previous stay in the hospital in August really showed me how strong said instinct is when an attempt to cease living fails), and I'm a ride or die bitch for my friends. I curse a lot. I'm First Nations. Very, very queer. Not at all here to justify my identity or talk semantics. I'm me, you're you, and I just want to be transparent.

I want to get into Mizahar again, and I'm going to. I'll probably try to manage a schedule since that's what's working best for me right now, but I'm going to put a gods honest effort into it.

Yeets into the unknown.


- Screamin' Remus.

[Maore]

Schedule.

So, I decided I wanted to operate on Mizahar based on a schedule to avoid the burnout I often bring upon myself by putting too many expectations on my own shoulders. At the moment, I want this posting schedule to fit neatly with my current work/therapy schedule.

Because I'm on RTW after admin leave over January to address my mental health, my schedule for work is cut just enough to ease me back into the flow. I limited my availability to four days a week (Mon+Tues, Fri+Sat) which gives me time to chill and do extracurriculars in between (like Mizahar and PokemonGo!). I see my psychologist or my social worker on Wednesdays typically (this week it's on Tuesday so I have to mention it at work tomorrow) and I speak to a representative of the third-party company helping me out right now on Thursdays. Fortunately my schedule is mostly daytime exclusive; I've been on accomodation to work daytime shifts, noon until nine at the latest, for about a year now so I can work on better sleeping habits. Due to the RTW I only work six hours at the most until March, the earliest being at 1PM but most of them starting at 1:45PM and ending at 7PM. I will be using the gym at work to better help myself get the fuck to sleep at a reasonable time on work days.

Exhales.

I want to do posts for Mizahar on my days off, in the early evenings or at night just before I go to sleep. I can write on the PC or on my phone using google docs. I'm not going to do too many threads at once. It's like, the last month of the season/Mizahar year, and if I think too much on too many things I'll just get disheartened and try to tell myself I will come back in March and actually make it work. It won't. I'm exceptionally talented at deluding myself.

I think at this point in time most of my posts will be solos in Ravok. I'm currently unsure as to the player population but I'll be open to players approaching me to plot a thread. I will be on Mizahar most days I'm off work simply because I want to be here and I'll probably find muse along the way to get posting out early. I'll likely always be reachable via the discord as well. I'm a meme-loving hoe so I'll bond with anyone who throws a tiktok or vine reference at me.

Hhhhhhhhhh, I think that's it for what I wanted this post to be. I lost my train of thought after that last sentence and it feels like I've said about as much as I want to say without rambling in circles.

- Biggus Doofus named Remus.

[Maore]

Work List.

So I want to establish a list of shit I need to get done before season ends.

• edit character sheet so it's less code heavy and also more coherent; i may use my scrapbook as a place to store the contents as i edit them done! 12/02/20
• get an owner in ravok in my solo auction thread, i already have an npc in mind and i just need to sit down and DO IT done! 03/03/20
• write a thread getting established in the man's household placeholder! "let me through"
• like three-five small solos about conditioning just poison v left!tso close!
• write another thread getting established in his household + some duties placeholder! "stay awake until the sun will shine"
• one (1) thread about getting to see more of ravok + hydrophobia + sight seeing placeholder! "it comes from within"
• if there's time do one (1) more thread about ravok + introduction to common

/dabs

[Maore]

To You, Mizahar.

i posted this a little early, i was so eager.

edit: haha nice

[Maore]

Pronouns.

This is just something I personally relate to and find funny on a deep soul-inspiring level. Tiktok auto loops. Good luck.

Link here.

[Maore]

Intrusive Thots

It's me.

I'm intrusive thots.
Mizahar related nonsense:
New Year New Promises : Making Maore a Real Boy.
Who Am I : Me
Lambs


Bring the lamb to slaughter.

Why do I keep having rabies dreams.

Is the elevator really falling or do I just have vertigo.

Anxiety attacks : it's not that warm in here, you're just having a hot flash and you should really fucking chill out Remus for God's sake it was ONE mistake

Rabies dreams part six : this time a magpie flew into my window and I died six months later of a broken heart and hydrophobia but I was awake the whole time so I dont know if this is real life anymore

We Definitely Do Not Have Bed Bugs Part 2 : The Electric Boogaloo

That's now six in the freezer and I'm ready to burn the damn casino down for sending us bed bugs for Christmas

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy, start bawling two minutes in because you had another Got Fired dream and you can no longer distinguish real life from dreams again.

Lighter started leaking. It would be a shame if something were to happen when I used it... Unless?


Hello, I'm Remus and I just wanted to share some Intrusive Tho(ugh)ts and other weird shit with you today.

Good luck, have fun, don't pray for me.

[Maore]

timekeeping

Big Dumb Moment : I wasn't thinking about Mizahar when I opened up my availablity to very specific hours pretty much every day.

Good thing : I only specified I wanted to work Wed + Thurs + Fri + Sat during Poker Week at the end of March so I'll hopefully be free Sun + Mon + Tues for Mizahar stuff.

Bad thing : I may not have much more free time? Depending on how scheduling translates my availability and my accomodations. The latest I'll have to work is until 9pm, but I will be starting at 1130 and dealing to grumpy farmers and a bunch of young bucks who saw WPT and decided they had it in them to win the big bucks.

Not looking forward to playing Asthmatic Jogging Simulator up and down the stairs in the show lounge. Nothing beats gasping for breath when it comes to remembering you are badly out of shape and need to fix that.

So, that's my updates.

Great news is that the schedule changes don't start until poker week happens, as it's the first week of the new schedule and I was wise enough to make sure of that, so you're stuck with me on a frequent, vaguely scheduled, basis.


edit: i decided to name my scrapbook to reflect my latest conceptual fixation

[Ayosel]

[Maore]

Work List.

super important plot-relevant stuff. definitely. nothing weird at all.

m a o r e

• it's a name change season! what what ? ? it's something ethaefal do, i guess. name chosen! not yet implemented.
• visit the temple of the black sun on the 1st. plotting!
• common threads 1 & 2. plotting!
• three threads dedicated to learning about rhysol & ravok & the families. plotting!
• there's a nuit in my city. *angry face* plotting!
• don't drown! plotting
• at least two slavery related threads where ciraaci completes chores/errands/assists ennoia. plotting!
• learn about amaeli and what happened to the other slaves. if relevant. may not care about the other slaves. possible plotting.
• get fucked. hate humans. dream about murder. think a lot about rhysol, and maybe a teeny tiny bit of krysus. no name-dropping; ciraaci knows nothing about krysus. plotting!!
• update information! it's maore, not ciraaci! (mah-oh-ray) something-something about the constellation. it's from sylira. probably something to do with the forlorn something something. edgy. working on it!

a y o s e l

• settle into syka, start squatting somewhere. planned out, baby.
• start learning skills. swimming, dancing, endurance, hunting, poison, wrestling. impersonation. disguise. stealth. subterfuge. plotting!
• get a girlfriend. a girl. friend. a girl friend. need friends anyway, but sometimes we gotta keep alive with company. thinking about it!
• sacrifice/hardship dedicated to zulrav and makutsi. a few threads. make sure the gods know we love and fear them. hhhhhh!
• swim with the jellies in super brackish water. hate it. love it. don't do it again. plotting!
• explore a bit! get to know the locals, the area, the history! plotting
• jungle wilds flashbacks featuring a bunch of bitch ass snakes and men. plotting!

[Maore]

intrusive thots 2

Intrusive thoughts isn't really fun and games all the time, though some of them are at best amusing if they aren't too loud nor aggressive. Mine typically take the form of encouragement to engage in self-harm, whether that be destroying relationships (the bpd helps) or physically hurting myself, and encouragement to hurt others. It's more often the former than the latter in my case, but I have received CBT tools to help deal with them.

I had a kind of bad episode at work a few days ago that triggered an anxiety attack. One thing led to another and I ended up being escorted to the hospital in a squad car so I could speak to a psychiatrist. My employer, bless their corporate soul, invited me to speak in HR with a few managers and a employee something something affiliate something who's helping me in my RTW, and they requested I sign consent for them to contact my personal psychiatrist so they know I am fit for work, which I agreed to, because I really wanna fucking work. The poker tournament is coming up. I want those damn tips, y'know??

The letter they sent the psychiatrist, that I was able to read once I got home, leaves much to be desired.

This whole thing, this letter and their reaction to my reaction, really reminds me on how important it is to educate people on mental health. I had my thoughts managed, I was able to ground myself out of my panic attack, and I informed a manager of the poker room in the event I started crying again, which started the whole rest of the thing that resulted me ending up on admin leave.

I'm annoyed. I'm venting. I'm not suicidal, and I like to think I did very well in dismantling my intrusive thoughts as they came in. I triggered my anxiety by getting angry over the thoughts. I wasn't hearing voices, regardless of what this letter says, and I think the fault partially lies with me because I wasn't able to explain what the thought was like when pressured in an interrogation room by three managers and two officers and a security guard.

/exhale

So, I don't have work until at earliest the 20th of March, which means more time for Mizahar! I did receive an increase in my dosage, which does mean more side effects (yay), but aside from dizzy spells and drowziness, I should be functioning on all cylinders for a while. Now's the time to get your thread requests in, to nudge me for posts, or whatever if we've got stuff booked.

I'm word thirsty and your hands make the juice I crave.