Completed A Small Girl in an Evil World

[Penn Zay]

23 Spring, 512 As Penn passed over the border from Taldera to Sylira, she felt a sadness run through her... Now she was in a completely different region to her mother, one that she knew nothing about! What if it was really dangerous here? But did that really matter? She was a Kelvic, a Snow Tiger to be precise! How dangerous could this place be to such a fearsome beast? As she walked, she crossed paths with a few weary looking travellers... They all seemed to be injured somehow and as she gazed into their eyes she saw a fear she had never experienced! "Where are you going, girl?" one of them asked, his voice hoarse as though he'd been shouting a lot! Penn silently pointed to her right, and the man nodded before leaving for walking with the rest of the group... As Penn kept walking, she heard a noise to her left and jumped slightly, wondering whether it was a threat or not! In the end she decided to go check it out, only to see that it was a small and harmless rabbit! She sighed in relief then began walking again, not in any partcular direction... She just needed to find somewhere that she belonged! Somewhere she could call her own,own! And someone she could call her friend! She was distracted from her thoughts as a series of gutteral utterances echoed from behind her... She turned to see a deformed humanoid, with bits of the earth embedded into it's brown cracked skin! It appeared not to have seen her, so she took the chance to run before it managed to glimpse her quickly moving form...

[Penn Zay]

As Penn ran, she heard whatever the humanoid creature was let out a high pitched 'yuk' noise, then heard it running after her! She knew that she could probably defeat it if she turned into her tiger form, but she was just too scared to stop running and remove her clothes, and she couldn't change forms with her clothes on! Not unless she wanted to rip them and have to buy new ones! So she just kept running until she got somewhere that looked safe... She glanced around to see the creature quite a way away, then fumbled with her clothes, eventually managing to remove them. Then she dissolved into light that reformed as a beautiful snow tiger! Then she faced the creature, ready to fight! She would obliterate this thing! It would die long before her! She was strong enough to survive...

[Penn Zay]

The tigress sniffed the air, and smelt the scent of mud and stones emanating from the creature... She growled at it as a warning and charged at it, knocking it to the floor sure that it wouldn't be strong enough to move her, but it was! She found herself being pushed away by the creature... It seemed to be impossibly strong! As it got out from under her, Penn's heart sunk... How was she to defeat such a creature? She kept her eyes on it and watched as it suddenly charged at her, then she dodged it's attack and realised something... For all it was strong, it was equally as slow! That was how she would defeat it! With her speed! She began circling it, occassionally darting towards it and clawing at it before retreating! It would tire soon... It had too!

[Penn Zay]

As Penn circled the creature, it seemed to just learn what her tactics were, then when she charged forwards a fifth time, it's hand connected with her head, sending her realing backwards slightly! Penn took a few moments to register what had happened, then growled at the creature, giving it a chance to back off and leave while it was still breathing... When it didn't do anything, Penn pounced on the creature... No movement except the savage tearing of teeth and claws... She'd forced her claws into a part of the creatures body, and rip up the area of 'skin', if you could call it that, before removing her clothes and starting with a new part of it's body! Then she would change to her teeth, sinking the deathly sharp weapons into the creatures shoulders, immobilising each of it's arms in turn... After a short while, she looked at the creature to see that it was dead... She had no idea how long it had been like that! All she knew was that savagery had taken over her! The overwhelming desire to survive! And to destroy anything that tried to prevent her goal! She had to find her place in the world! And to do that, she had to live! She wouldn't let anything get in her way! She couldn't!

[Penn Zay]

Penn glanced at the mud creature and growled at it, before allowing her body to dissolve into light as she reformed into her human form... Then she swept her long black hair out of her face, a slight smile on her face as she picked up her clothes, gently pulling them on, before kneeling next to the dead creature to observe... She could see quite a few wounds on it that she hadn't created, so something told her that this one was old and weak... Probably been abandoned by everything else, if there was anything else! A pang of guilt twitched inside her as she realised she had just killed something that seemed to look human! But it would have killed her if she hadn't done the deed first! She had to! She stood up, leaving the thing where was it, and turned to walk in the direction she had been progressing in, stopping only to pick up her heavy rucksack and look up at the sky, quietly whistling a song she had once heard...

[Twister]

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Experience Award

Penn Zay

Grade :

Experience: +3 Observation, +1 Running, +2 Brawling

Lores: To Be On Your Own, Searching For Your Place, A Strange Earth Creature, First Encounter With A Yukman, The Survival Instinct, Forming Strategies On The Fly, Utilizing Speed VS. Brute Strength, Putting A Straggler Out Of His Misery, Yukman: Human Resemblence But Not Human

Comments/Requested Feedback: Let's see here! It was a very short thread, all things considered. You had a lot of things happen in it but not many of the events were actually given any considerable focus or time in the spotlight, save the fight which still rushed past very quickly. The humans you encountered, for instance, seemed like they appeared for the sake of appearing without filling much of a purpose. You described seeing fear in the eyes unlike any you've ever seen, but that's it. What were they afraid of? Did they look roughed up? Did they have any purpose for your story at all? So far, it seems they were added to fill out some space, which gets a bit confusing. Many of the events in the thread here seem like they are sporadic and random.

And, it seems almost like the observations of someone looking around who completely lacks the ability to focus on anything. Think, if Penn for instance was extremely hyperactive at the time this was happening and was pretty much spinning on the spot because she couldn't focus her attention on any one thing, this style of writing would be very effective. It seems Penn has more presence of mind than that, though, from what I understand. Which means she could probably have understood and interacted with her surroundings more to actually make something meaningful of the small and seemingly random events.

Be careful, also, how you portray your ability to fight. I saw you didn't have any real fighting skills yet when you started writing this so it's just a word of caution to you. I saw that you explained your success in that fight with the condition the Yukman was in (pretty much dead already as it was), which was good, but just make sure you keep it in mind. Penn thinking she's stronger than she is is totally fine and can probably give you some interesting dilemmas later, though just keep it in mind for the future. Be mindful of how you play out her level of skill--especially if she doesn't already have the skill.

You also seem to use a lot of exclamation marks. This is just a stylistic opinion on my part, but I think you could gain more fluidity on your writing if you squished some of the shorter sentences together and held back on the exclamation marks a little. I realize they are often used for dramatic effect, but it's much more if it's not done in excess, if that makes sense.

Hope that helped!

If you've any questions or concerns about your grade, drop me a PM!
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