Flashback Birth of a Killer

[Luca Darkstrider]

5th Winter, 509 Luca smiled as he held his little sister’s hand in his, pulling her along behind him and occasionally yanking her to make sure she kept up. “Luca, where are we going?” she asked softly, a pang of guilt shooting into Luca’s blackened heart as he tried to ignore the whimper that escaped her fragile body as he yanked her closer to him, rougher than he had been before. Then he felt a smile spread across his face as he realised what he was doing… He was feeling guilty for hurting his sister! A female! Females were useless and deserved to be hurt! Killed would be the better option, but just hurt would have to do for now! “Please, Luca! You’re hurting me!” his little sister’s shrill voice barely made it past his ears to his dark and twisted mind. He didn’t caring about hurting her! Why would he? She was a girl, soon to be a woman! And all women were evil! Women killed his brother! At least that what he kept telling himself, removing the idea that sweet little Ayris was actually completely innocent. She was a woman and women were evil! It didn’t matter about age! They were always evil and cruel! “Shut up!” he snarled at her, as he kept walking. He kept walking until he saw a little stream where he stopped to fill up his waterskin and let his sister rest for a short while before roughly gripping her arm and pulling her after him, away from the city they had just rested in! “But Luca!” Ayris protested, trying to pull her arm out of her brothers iron grip as a tear fell down her cheek. “There’s no need to be so rough… I’ll follow you! I won’t run away Luca…” she spoke quietly, her saddened brown eyes looking up at the silver haired boy that was her brother. “It’s your fault!” Luca spat at the ground. “Well, not directly! But you’re a girl! It was a girl that killed Cain! And you’ll just grow up to be like that! You are all the same!” he yelled, glaring at his little sister with eyes filled with an insane fury as his hand tightened on her arm! Then he just let go of her arm, before collapsing into a mess on the floor, tears welling up in his eyes! But he was a man, not a girl! He wouldn’t cry! He didn’t know how to! The next thing he felt was a pair of thin arms wrapping around him as his sister pulled his head onto her shoulder. “We all miss him…” she whispered to him, as his anger reached breaking point and he whirled around, his hand roughly colliding with the girls cheek, leaving an angry looking red mark against her pale skin… “Shut up okay! You have no idea!” he yelled as he stood up, an insanity flashing in his dark eyes as he pulled a dagger from his belt. “It’s up to me to rid the world of evil! So I’ll start with you, Ayris!” A year after they had left there home, and now he was finally about to start what he had set out for! They would all suffer for what they did to his brother! All of them!

[Luca Darkstrider]

Luka smirked as he looked down at the mangled and bloodied mess that had once been his dear little sister... Then a look of horror washed over him as he looked at her face, the only part of her small body that he hadn't deformed... It looked so peaceful, and in that peace, he could see his brothers features... The roundness of her face, her small nose... Her arched eyebrows... He smirked slightly, then threw his head back as a laugh exploded through his throat and out of his mouth! It was a sign! His brother was pleased! It had begun! The start of his revenge was here! But her had so much left to do! It had started with his sister! And it would finish with the woman who had killed his dear brother! The woman who had killed Cain, one of the few things Luca had cared about! With the loss of Cain, Luca had dropped into a state of insanity! But now he felt nothing but sane! He was doing what Cain would have wanted! He was doing everything Cain would have if it was him in this situation! After all... Women were all evil creatures!

[Twister]

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Experience Award

Luca Darkstrider

Grade :

Experience: +1 Daggers, +1 Intimidation

Lores: Your Brother's Murderer, Shameful and Suppressed Guilt, All Women Are Evil, There's No Such Thing As Innocence, Succumbing to Adolescent Madness, Women: They Are All The Same, Boys Don't Cry, Ayris: Your First Victim, Revenge: First Stumbling Steps, The Bitter-Sweet Taste of Vengeance, The Thrill of the Kill, Brother's Sign, The Legacy of Cain

Comments/Requested Feedback: Hello! Let's see about that feedback then, shall we?

First off, you were very short in your way of writing. Things were moving very quickly throughout the thread and you seemed like a broken record when you were ranting away about women being evil. I'm not entirely sure how many times you repeated it throughout the thread, but it would've been nice to see some more depth in it to give more sense and reason to what Luca is doing in this thread. Even so...

I personally believe, and this is just my personal taste, that you may be overplaying the sense of madness that struck Luca. There really isn't any logic behind his sudden outbreak in that sort of madness, as he seems to lack human emotion as he drags his sister off to kill her (although that wasn't his plan from the start). You often read about children dying at eachothers' hands, but they are usually younger than Luca is now and the children themselves either didn't mean what they did (it was an unfortunate accident), or they simply didn't understand the consequences of their actions and it goes to torment them for the rest of their lives (the extreme exceptions showing signs of very serious mental disorders early in their lives). Luca, however, has passed into a stage of murderous rage as a teenager just coming out of his early adolescence, and the way you describe it makes it seem like this insanity has plagued him for a while.

Meaning, something's probably always been very wrong in that head of his, for him to snap like this. I highly suggest you give this kind of madness a good afterthought to see what you really want with this, as it seems to me like you don't entirely know how to go about the insanity you want your character to suffer from. It's just that, with the insanity you put Luca through now, he'll likely never recover from this trauma to become a functional human being unless he's set up for a miracle (or a thrice-marked healer of Rak'keli). Because, this kind of madness really wouldn't manifest itself in someone unless something was already severely wrong. Say, if he's a psychopath and is completely devoid of human empathy, then this could probably work. But he wouldn't be as violently insane since psycopaths are generally extremely smart and methodical if they ever fall into such a destructive cycle (and far from all of them do).

The sort of insanity you're putting Luca through generally doesn't exist save in cartoons or animes. There's nothing wrong with playing an insane character, but I would advice you to think it through a few more times so you know yourself what you want for him, and possibly think of other options for portraying this. This is genuine criticism from me based on my personal bias and opinions when it comes to mental disorders and such. Don't take them for law, but... a very, very warm recommendation! Feel free to PM me to bounce ideas if you want more feedback as far as the insanity is concerned.

Also, make sure you check your CS. I noticed your Ledger says you have 100 GM, but underneath it says you have 175 GM total. Where did those 75 come from? Either edit them out, or update the ledger with those last 75 if you actually got them from somewhere.

That's all, and I hope it helped!

If you've any questions or concerns about your grade, drop me a PM!
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