Just something to keep my sanity...

[Kaiphur]

Year 511, Fall, Day 30.

I cannot believe that in my desperation I turn to a tattered old book for help.
Help me, please. I need something to help me.
I am going crazy inside my head.
I am trying to stay calm -everyday- but it feels like something is eating me from the inside out. Only when I sleep can I get peace, I can dream of living another life. The life I am supposed to be living right now! But then I wake up and the hell starts all over again.
I’ll tell you what it feels like. From the minute I wake up here, to the moment I go to bed I feel like I want my skin to drip off, and fall to my feet. I want my hair to burn and crackle and frizzle up so I don’t have to feel it swish around my face anymore. I want these stupid little eyelashes to break off and leave me. I want my voice to break and go hoarse so that I don’t have to sound like a little girl all the time.
Sometimes in my desperate moments, I think to myself… I must be wrong. I must be wrong, I can just act like them and talk like them and put on all their little clothes and necklaces and do my hair and it will be alright. No one has to know, I can hide it.
Well, you know… then I look in the mirror and I see how disgusting I am. I don’t look like me, and that is the only way I can describe it. I stand there, naked, and I see every lump and swell and bump and mass and I want to throw up. I want to take my nails and claw at the skin until its raw and torn but not there anymore. I want to take a knife, and cut it off. But I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough to even give myself what I need… Am I sick? Am I damaged? I don’t know how I can be, I was born like this. I curse every single twist of fate that brought my parents together to create this mess.
I guess tomorrow I’ll just wake up again. Wake up to the bell and the giggles of all these stupid, precocious little girls. I can’t believe that… I’m one of them.
I can’t do this much longer, I just can’t.
…Kai.

[Kaiphur]

Year 511, Fall, Day 48

So it has been a while.
I’ve been… coping, I suppose. I just take each day as it comes, playing that flute or painting a pretty picture for the matron and hoping she sees it as passable. She likes them so far.
When I’m alone I like to paint little pictures of my own. Oh what I might look like if I could dress how I wanted, if my hair was cut up short, if I smiled, even! I think my paintings were what attracted her.

See, I found a friend. Her name is Laithe and she is… beautiful. I never found a moment to focus on what I actually found attractive, I was too scared incase it brought up more problems but so far it hasn’t. Her hair is like spun silk, this beautiful pale brown that catches the light in this amazing way. Her eyes speak to me even when she doesn’t open her mouth. That is so useful here, where it really is difficult to snatch a minutes peace to be ourselves. So yes, things have been on the up. She is distracting me from all my… thoughts. Reading the last entry was painful. It reminds me of the truth.

Anyway, I kissed her. She kissed me back. She let me make the first move- that is what the man is supposed to do, isn’t it? It was so quick and fleeting but I think it may have been the most wonderful moment I have experienced. I felt love, and warmth, and a longing that I don’t think I’ve had before. I even ran my hands through her hair- it felt even softer than it looks! So yes. Maybe I am bathing in an afterglow. Maybe my mind has been put at ease. I know the feelings will come back again but just now I want to enjoy this feeling for a while. While it lasts.
I’m… a bit scared. I haven’t told her who I am. I asked her to call me Kaiphur instead of Caitlin and she didn’t ask why, but I don’t know how she would react if I told her I don’t feel like a girl. I just don’t want her to feel for this body and this… image. It would make me feel worse.
I’ll have a think about what to do.
Kai.

[Kaiphur]

Year 511, Fall, Day 51

Okay okay okay so a lot has happened. I kind of need to get my thoughts straight they are just running everywhere right now and I can’t deal with it. I think I need to calm down…

Alright, I told Laithe. I told Laithe that I am a man, and… I’ll try and illustrate it here with words as how I remember it.

I handed her a note that told her to head out at recreational time tomorrow, and she did. I met her out just in the woods, near the old ruins- out of sight and out of earshot. It was green, verdant, lush, hints of something else in the air. Something, dare I say, magical? I sat her down and looked into her eyes. She leaned over to kiss me again and I stopped her… she looked ashamed.

I quickly told her I really did want to kiss her, and how beautiful I thought she was… But I had to explain something first. So I told her to just listen and then ask questions. I had to close my eyes and look down whilst I was doing it… My heart was beating so fast and… it was so stupid but I was crying. I felt the tears running down my face. I scraped my hair back and told her that ever since I was a child, for as long as I can remember, I’ve been male. When I started to grow breasts and be referred to as “one of the girls” I felt to scared and alone because I knew I couldn’t talk to anyone, I knew they would hate me. I’d never known anyone else to feel this way. It was just a mistake at birth, nothing more but it was ruining my life. I told her that I hated being at this stupid school because they were training me to be a lady, but all I wanted was to be something else. I told her that I hated these stupid dresses and the jewels and the way I was treated. I hated my name.
And you know what she did?

She didn’t look disgusted. She didn’t walk away. She held my hand, wiped away the tears and kissed me.

For the first time in my life I think I can do it. I think I can be Kaiphrus, and not… Caitlin. Maybe somehow it can all work out. Maybe this doesn’t have to ruin everything.
Kai.