Seirei held still during the exam. It was uncomfortable, but she knew that it could be worse. It had been in the past when Waisana examined her to try and determine whether she was pregnant or not. Even so, she was relieved to have something else to focus on.
Telling Lian anything would be en exercise in courage. But it would be worth it if it meant that he would leave her alone. Anything would be worth that. Seirei tried to think of how she would bring up the subject. As she did so, Waisana's next words made her smile. The thought of her friend smacking Lian in the head was an amusing one.
Waisana seemed to think that she had gotten unusually big. Seirei didn't know how fat she was supposed to get. She had never been pregnant before. Women in the caravan she'd grown up in had, but Seirei had never really paid too much attention to it. Seirei chided herself when she realized she'd thought of herself as fat. She wasn't...really. It just felt as though she was bigger than a horse. And likely to get bigger before it was over, no doubt.
The questions came as a welcome distraction to the dark turn her thoughts had taken. Seirei tried to answer them as best she could. The first question was a surprise, and her startled expression was certain to show her confusion.
"No...I still get sick a lot. At least once a day, especially in the mornings. And I don't feel hungry much, though I try to eat anyway. It's hard sometimes."
It was hard to want to eat anything when she rarely felt like eating even when she wasn't feeling sick to her stomach. And it wasn't always easy to force herself to eat for the sake of the baby when she knew that it was likely to come up sooner or later anyway.
The next question was a surprise as well. If anything, the opposite was true. So Seirei shook her head.
"No. If anything, I feel more tired now. Most days I still need a nap during the day. Some days I need two. When I wake up, I often feel as though I didn't get enough sleep even if I go to bed earlier than usual the night before. And even when I am awake, I never seem to have much energy. I feel...listless."
Yes, that was the word she was looking for.
"I get dizzy a lot too. Always when I stand up or sit down too fast, and sometimes for no reason at all that I can see. It's hard to breathe sometimes, too."
Seirei shook her head. That wasn't quite what she meant to say. She struggled for a few moments to try and figure out how to describe what she felt.
"That's not quite right. It's not that I can't breathe...not like I'm choking."
And Seirei knew the difference because she knew what it felt like to have her breath choked off. Lian had choked her once to silent her cries when he forced himself on her. It was one of the most terrifying things she had ever experienced.
"It's more like...breathing too fast. Like you would when you've been running a lot."
Seirei had a question of her own for her friend and healer.
"Is that normal? Should I be feeling less tired? Or less sick?" she asked anxiously.
It was hard not to feel worried when Waisana seemed to think she should be getting better. At least that's what her questions made it seem like. But the questions continued, and Seirei quickly found herself distracted once more as she tried to answer them.
"Yes, my back hurts sometimes, too. Usually if I've been standing for too long."
The next question was a strange one. Dreams? What did dreams have to do with being pregnant? And yet, Seirei found that the answer to this question was yes as well. Seirei nodded in understanding when Waisana explained why she had asked the question.
"I don't think it's a silly question. My dreams are very real now. So much so that I don't know that I'm dreaming until I wake up. It's like...reliving the past. I dream of my mother a lot." Seirei said softly, a faint wistful smile flickering over her face as her eyes brightened and grew distant at the memories that the thought of her mother awakened.
Her dreams were both wonderful, and terrible at the same time. Within her dreams, Seirei was a child again. Living with her caravan. Playing around with her older brother when he had the time to indulge her childish whims. Exploring a new city at the end of the day when they closed their booth. Learning how to carve wood at her mother's side. Hearing her mother's sweet, gentle voice as she sung her to sleep...Seirei loved her dreams. Within that world, it was as if nothing bad had ever happened to her because she dreamed of the happier times with the caravan. It was as if her mother was still alive and well...and she had never met her captor. But waking up each morning threw her back into reality once more. Back into life as a captive and a brood mare. And in some ways, it was like losing her mother all over again each time her dreams ended.
Seirei listened carefully to Waisana's explaination of what a baby's movements might feel like. Then she nodded.
"I do feel that a lot. Several times a day, usually. Sometimes it feels like...flutters? Like...I heard an expression once when I was little. Butterfiles in your stomach. It's supposed to describe what you feel like if you get really nervous. This feels kind of like that, too. The way it might if you had butterflies flying around inside your stomach."
Seirei watched as Waisana squeezed one of her nipples. It didn't hurt, but it did feel...strange. Not uncomfortable, precisely, but not really a pleasant sensation either. It just felt strange. Seirei wondered if that's the way it would feel like when she nursed the child she was carrying. Seeing the weird thick yellow substance ooze out of her breast when Waisana squeezed her nipple gave her very mixed feelings. Waisana seemed pleased with the result, so Seirei was relieved that things were happening as they should. But at the same time, she hated the way her body was changing as the baby grew inside her. She hated feeling sick and tired all the time. She hated the way her belly was blowing up, making her look fat. And she hated not knowing what was going to happen to her next. At the same time, she was afraid to ask. Sometimes not knowing that something horribly unpleasant was coming was better than knowing...if nothing could be done about it either way, at least. But most of all she hated the fact that all of these changes were happening against her will. She had never wanted to get pregnant now. Didn't want to bear the child of a man who had forced himself on her so many times. Seirei felt helpless stop what was happening to her. At the same time, she didn't think she could do anything to change the situation if it meant hurting the child she carried. The child was as much of an innocent victim in this as she was, and she hated that, too. What kind of life would the child lead with Lian as its father?
"Okay." Seirei said, in response to Waisana's comment.
Seirei hesitated for a moment.
"Can it be washed out of clothes, or will it stain them?" she asked practically.
It was likely an odd question, but a sensible one all the same. Seirei wasn't a vain person by any means. As long as her clothes were comfortable, fit well, and were easy to move around in, she was happy. She had colors she liked more than others, but it was partly a matter of what would be easier to keep clean. And she wouldn't have the slightest idea how to were or interest in wearing some of the dresses she had seen women wearing as she traveled with her caravan. But at the same time, she didn't want to wear something that was hopelessly stained, either. Growing up with a trader's caravan, she had learned that appearance was important. Who wanted to buy from someone wearing dirty, torn rags that were so badly stained that you couldn't even see what color they were meant to be anymore?
"What else should I expect? Are there other symptoms I should be aware of? Warning signs if something goes wrong?" |