[Flashback] Against the Wall

[Iredeth]

11th Day, Summer of 498 A.V.

Iredeth stared resolutely at the vertical surface, huge, amethyst eyes screwed up in concentration. She desperately needed this to work. The little girl placed one hand against the wall, feeling an involuntary shiver run down her back as the cold stone came in contact with her skin. Can’t be that hard. The other kids do it all the time. She placed the palm of her other hand slightly higher up and pushed against the wall, as if to make sure that it wouldn’t budge under her weight. Carefully, she propped the bare toes of one of her feet against the wall. Her head was turned sideways, so that one pale cheek was pressed up against the stone. She found herself holding her breath, waiting for that special instinct to lift her up and carry her up the wall. She could see how the other kids did it. They just touched the wall with their hands and feet and scurried upward. She could do it too. Of course, she could. Not feeling any particular surge of power, Iredeth tried to bring her other foot up against the wall, but as soon as her right foot left the ground, her left one slipped and slid down the wall.

She gave the wall a dirty look and reassumed her original position. This time, she jumped a little as she tried to bring up her second foot, but the result was the same, only this time she could feel the scratches running along the sole of her foot as it slid down the wall. She hopped on one foot, holding the ankle of her left leg between her hands. Sure enough, some of the skin had rubbed off, leaving behind red patches. Iredeth huffed, her nose wrinkling in determination. I can do it. I just need practice. The others probably didn’t get it on their first try either.

The girl backed up a few paces, smoothing her breeches and rolling up the sleeves of her tunic in the process. This would obviously require the entirety of her concentration. She glared at the wall for a few seconds in an attempt to pacify it with her gaze. Finally deciding that the wall would cooperate, she sprinted toward it. There were only a few feet between the girl and the stone, so she didn’t have the chance to really accelerate before the wall was right in front of her. She jumped a little, holding her palms outward, completely confident in their ability to stick to the stone…

Her hands met the wall with a loud slap, followed by the rest of her body. She slid down to the floor, her face a picture of pure shock. It didn’t work! Why didn’t it work?! Her palms were quickly reddening and she could feel a bruise forming where her knee had come in contact with rock. Her lips formed into a thin, hard line, and her brows bunched together. She jumped up and stalked away from the wall. The girl went further this time, all the way to the other side of the cavern. This would give her enough room to accelerate properly and maybe even to jump a little higher.If only I could jump a little higher… It would work. I know it would. She hunched down slightly, her neck stretched out in front of her so that it was almost parallel to the floor. And she took off.

[Iredeth]

She ran as fast as she could, watching the wall get closer and closer. There was no fear or hesitation in the girl. She was convinced that she had the ability to climb the vertical cavern wall. She had seen the Symenestra children do it. And they looked just like her… Except that her skin was a little darker and her hair was a little coarser and her fangs weren’t as long… Iredeth leapt forward and upward, hitting the wall with the full force of her little body.

The thud of bone cracking against stone resonated through the cavern. A heartbeat later, Iredeth was curled up on the floor, arms wrapped around her knees and eyes blinded by tears. She dropped her head in between her knees, stifling the sobs that erupted unbidden from her throat. It wasn’t so much the physical pain that was hurting her, even though there was quite a bit of physical pain. The real source of hurt was the realization that she couldn’t climb a wall. And that meant she really wasn’t like the others. She was a freak – a child who looked just a little bit different. But that difference was enough to deprive her of the abilities of the other children, to deprive her of acceptance, to deprive her of the love of her mother…

Iredeth’s slight shoulders shook with the force of her crying. The more tears she allowed to escape the bounds of her eyes, the more threatened to spill. The little girl leaning against the stone of a spacious cavern with high walls appeared to be too trivial to take any notice of. She was small, unimportant, a crumpled heap of misery curled into itself so tightly that it threatened to disappear altogether. Mama wouldn’t give up. Mama would keep trying. She’d want me to keep trying. And Sirella would want to be proud of me. And Viratas would want someone brave as a follower. He’d want a real Symenestra. The girl got up unsteadily to her feet, putting a hand against the stone to steady her trembling knees.

Resolutely, she walked off toward the opposite end of the cavern once more, ignoring the blood stains on the front of her tunic and the torn, bloody fabric on the knees of her breeches. She tried to recall a selection from the Viratessa, so she could pray to the God for help, but couldn’t gather her thoughts well enough to remember anything. She took a breath to quell the sobs that were trying to make their ways past her lips and ran at the wall.

[Iredeth]

She lurched forward, oblivious of the pain in her knees as every step she took reverberated up her legs. The impending crash rang out in the air almost before it actually took place. Except it never did…

An arm grabbed Iredeth’s shoulder, pulling her sideways so forcefully that she spun around mid-step, lost her balance, and stumbled into the torso connected to the saving arm. A surprised oof rang through the air as Iredeth found her face buried in a familiar, beige smock.

“What have you been doing, child?” a horrified voice inquired. Sirella detached the girl from herself, holding her out at arm’s length. There was a bruise forming on the child’s cheek, and specks of blood dotted her lips. The knees of her breeches had developed holes, and the woman could see a jagged cut across the girl’s left kneecap. “Iredeth, look at me,” the woman insisted, gently shaking the girl by the shoulders.

Iredeth looked up, her large, amethyst eyes filled with more confusion and pain than any child should ever have to feel. She had a strangely blank look on her face, as if she weren’t really present in the here and now, but was somewhere far, far away. Sirella sighed, tugging at the girl’s hand, “Come on, child. Let’s go clean you up.” Iredeth followed obediently, her movements somehow out of synch with everything that went on around her. The steps she took didn’t match up with Sirella’s pace, and the arm that wasn’t being held by Sirella swung on its own accord. Nothing more than a rag doll.

Iredeth didn’t seem to register the caverns they passed through, or the words that Sirella seemed so insistent on having her hear. They walked for no more than a chime before they arrived in Sirella’s dwelling. While Iredeth stood by the entrance, despondent and unseeing, Sirella rushed over to her with a pitcher of water, a cloth, and some herbs in hand. “Iredeth, Iredeth, talk to me. What were you doing, child? Why were you running at the wall?” the woman coaxed as she rubbed at the girl’s face with a wet cloth. Iredeth continued to stare off into a point behind Sirella’s head, her eyes glassy. The woman continued to wipe the dirt and blood from the girl’s face with her, swiping away tears in the process.

Finally, a soft, but level voice spoke, “I wanted to see if I could climb it. But I couldn’t.” There was no emotion in Iredeth’s voice – none of the pain that had been present in her eyes the moment after her collision with Sirella.

“Oh, child! I told you that you shouldn’t do that. I told you aren’t equipped to do all the things the other kids do,” Sirella groaned, moving on to wiping the girl’s knees. The cloth came away red with blood.

“You can’t keep doing things like this. There’s nothing to prove, Iredeth. You’re different. Banging your body against a wall isn’t going to change that,” the woman said gently. “There’s just not enough Symenestra blood in you, darling. But that’s alright. It’s perfectly alright.”

Iredeth looked into Sirella’s face, searching it with her blank eyes. The woman was tall, lean, and beautiful, even if she was no longer young. There was still a certain statuesque quality about her that attracted Symenestra males much younger than her. Not that Sirella ever deemed any of them worthy of her notice. She was a loner, living in self-imposed exile for no specific purpose that Iredeth could discern. Her pale, white hair was swept away in a tight bun atop her head. She had high cheekbones and three lines in the skin on her forehead that always bunched up when she was worried. Like now, for instance. Iredeth couldn’t help comparing the complexion to that of her mother. The two women were so very different. Sirella might’ve been older than Valvessa Curare, but the difference wasn’t very significant to Iredeth, who still couldn’t accurately tell an adult’s age. There was a softness that was present in Sirella’s face that was absent from Valvessa’s. And there was something else… a spark of genuine panic in Sirella’s golden eyes that brought Iredeth out of her reverie.

“’m sorry,” she mumbled, sounding more like a normal child. “I just – I just, I wanted so much…” She wanted to cry, but no more tears were coming. With a sigh of what could have been relief, Sirella pulled the girl to her, wrapping her arms around her in a protective cocoon.

[Iredeth]

Iredeth snuggled further into Sirella’s embrace, wishing that she could stay in the woman’s arm forever, hidden from the cruel world. After a few chimes, Sirella gently nudged Iredeth away.

“Child, why are you still so stiff? It feels like you’re poised to run,” Sirella reprimanded softly. “You have to relax, let your mind focus on the things that don’t upset you.”

Iredeth looked at the woman, her eyes blank and uncomprehending. Sirella sighed and lowered herself to the ground, crossing her legs in a lotus pose. She pressed gently on Iredeth’s shoulder, motioning for the girl to do the same. They sat on the stone floor, facing each other.

“Don’t stoop your shoulders. Straighten your back,” Sirella murmured, placing her hand on Iredeth’s shoulder blades and pushing forward. Iredeth straightened, extending her neck, and jutting her chin out slightly.

“Good. Now close your eyes and inhale,” came the soft voice.

Iredeth inhaled, feeling the cool, moist air pass into her lungs. After a heartbeat, she exhaled, following Sirella’s softly spoken commands. After a while, the girl fell into a rhythm, and Sirella stopped speaking. The two of them sat there, breathing slowly and contentedly, together, but worlds apart. Iredeth focused only on her breathing, and momentarily forgot the envy she felt for the Symenestra children. She let go of the bitterness and the hate, the pain and the longing. She wasn’t sure how long they spent in silence, but it didn’t seem to last nearly as long as Iredeth would have liked. The girl’s legs were starting to fall asleep, and she readjusted her position slightly, breaking her reverie.

As soon as Iredeth stirred, so did Sirella. The two of them stared at each other for a while, each trying to understand the other. Finally, Sirella rose in one swift, graceful movement that Iredeth immediately wanted to be able to imitate one day. Iredeth scrambled up after her.

“Are you feeling better?” the woman asked coolly, and received an almost imperceptible nod from Iredeth in answer.

“Iredeth, you have to promise me that you’ll never do anything like this again." Sirella’s voice had acquired a hard edge, and her eyebrows furrowed. "Do you understand me?"

“I understand. I won’t do it again,” Iredeth mumbled, scuffing her foot across the stone floor.

She looked so normal right then, almost like a regular child. But little Iredeth wasn’t a regular child. She knew even then – as a ten year old girl – that something had snapped inside her. Snapped, torn, shattered, cracked beyond repair. And even years later, when the scrapes on her knees had healed, and the blood on her lips had dried, there would be pieces of broken glass in her mind.

FIN

[Arlecchino]

XP: Climbing 2, Running 3, Meditation 1 Lore: Kalinor's Walls, Physical Drawbacks of being Halfbreed, Meditation Basics, Childhood Traumas Additional Notes: An interesting thread and a real joy to read Makes one think if the difficulties Halfbreeds have to face and how they shaped Iredeth. Looking forward to other Flashbacks you might have planned with her. ...and please let me know if you have any questions about how I graded this thread