Last year was the first time in four years that I did not attend a week-long festival known as Pagan Spirit Gathering. I was in GA at the time, and between personal issues and travel expenses, I was unable to make the journey to Camp Zoe, where it was being held last year. It was something I regretted deeply, and I was determined to make up for it this year by attending no matter what.
I almost didn't go.
Benji and I had split a couple months prior to the festival, and until then we'd been planning to attend together. Up until the last week leading up to it, I was teetering on the possibility of attending a separate festival so that Benji could have some time reconnecting with old friends while not having to worry about anything awkward emerging between us. But, he insisted we were both adults, and suggested that perhaps such a week could be good for us.
So...I went. I thank the Gods every day that I did.
PSG 2010:
It was a longer drive than I anticipated. I'd also had this ridiculous idea in my head that this camp ground was somewhere in IL. I'd not been paying much attention. Between work, orchestrating the care of my zoo while I'd be gone, and the tentative truce established between Benji and I, many details were lost. I was following Benji out there, this much I knew, and so I simply put my faith in his navigational skills and left it at that.
Camp Zoe is, in fact, in MO...its a beautiful little slice of the ozarks, and I have to admit that the last 30 minutes of the drive out there took place on some of the most beautiful roads I'd ever come across. Mimosa trees were everywhere, and each of them sprouting pink, cloudy blooms that turned the air sweet. Everything was so green.
When we arrived, Benji headed straight out to Chaos Camp. I pulled up to my vending booth with a mixture of dread and resignation. I was not expecting much this week, beyond awkward visits at Chaos camp and making a bit of money. As I stepped out of the car, my hopes for making money this week plummeted instantly. It was hot. Very, very hot. This meant sweat, which in turn made for shoddy painting conditions. I sucked in a deep breath and began to lug out my camping gear. I must have made such a determined figure, arguing with the easy-up that clearly takes more than one individual to put together, but struggling to bend it to my will all the same. The first of many lessons that week: learn to ask for help, dammit. Luckily, Beryl and Isaac stopped in to assist me in conquering my equipment, and before long I was standing there passing an eye of approval over my little set up...it was modest, but it would do.
I needed the air mattress pump, which prompted a visit to Chaos Camp. The grounds were deserted, but it did not take me long to discover their whereabouts. A broad creek runs through Camp Zoe. The waters run clean, crystal clear, and quite deep in places. This creek happened to run right by Chaos camp, and the members were taking advantage of this added bonus. I followed the sounds of splashing water and laughter, happening upon a swimming hole I would later hear referred to as 'Mermaid's Cove.'
There everyone was, the majority of them sans clothing, soaking off the hottest part of the day. It didn't take much encouragement before I dropped my skirt and top and dove in to join them. I'd never really gone skinny dipping in anything other than a pool, but this was incredible! Feeling the current pull against my body, being able to watch my limbs through the clear water...Oh, it felt so good. When the time came to return to my own camp, I pulled myself from the water grudgingly, wringing out my hair and letting it dry haphazard over my shoulders...
Familiar faces are what encouraged me to join the procession to the main field for PSG's opening ceremony. Drumbeats and laughter sang to my heart, and for a short time I just immersed myself in the sea of community all thrumming around the bonfire. At one point, I ventured into the throng to attempt to find Drake as he stepped back into the circle. The light was fading, though, and he was lost in the throngs of bodies all swaying to the drum and chant of opening ritual. Discouraged, I circled back to where I'd been standing before...the glow of the bonfire was growing brighter, and faces around me were growing more distinguished. A little boy ducked by me, grabbing my skirt and whirling about...and I turned to laugh with him as his mother scooped him back into her arms. It was then that my eyes grazed past them to meet those of a man.
His hair was the first thing I noticed about him. It was thick and tightly curled, composed of sun-washed blonde and light brown. He had lots of it, too, all bundled to the back of his neck. His eyes were gentle, and his smile brief but soft.
This was my first impression of him.
At every opening ritual I have ever been to, the end of it is marked by the passing out of sparklers, which everyone lights on a given cue and gives themselves over to a dizzying swirl of fizzy light and laughter. This PSG was not unlike any other in that respect. As we were each given our sparklers, we began to migrate towards those with candles. Whether by a stroke of divine coincidence, or perhaps subtle intention, I found myself standing around a candle with the man with the golden hair. I recall a glance and a smile. There was a swell of anticipation and laughter as we waited for the signal to light our sparklers. It came suddenly, and with a flood of glistening light. We both turned to the nearest candle, but he beat me to it. He lit his and turned to me with a smile. I hesitated, my eyes on his for the span of a heartbeat...then held out my sparkler. He touched his to mine, and they flared in unison. I laughed. Until then, I never knew you could light sparklers off each other...
We parted with a shared smile, and I went to change into less cumbersome clothes. I planned on dancing around the fire that night, and the long skirt I was currently wearing was too easy to trip over. (I'm clumsy enough without help!) ...After changing, I headed down to Chaos camp for dinner. Benji was utilizing a recipe passed on to him by his mom, and the first bottles of mead were cracked open as we waited for the food to cook. It was like coming home. The comfort of camp chairs, the familiar banter, the stories that ebbed and flowed by the light of the camp fire, the undercurrent of love that was all twisted up in excitement for what the week ahead had to offer. There was potential here, I could sense it. I was already in love with the land, and I'd barely even begun to learn the lay of it all. I was back. I was home. I was among my own. I was in a place I'd yearned for so badly last year...
Once dinner was done, I set off to find the drum circle. I'd abandoned my map of the land in my car, and so the only guide I had was the sound of drums in the distance. I tread softly between camps, through trees, up hillsides, and finally down this steep path that descended into pitch black. I was mentally berating myself, so sure that I'd slip and end up at the bottom in a tumbled heap, doomed to spend the rest of PSG with a broken limb or something...(Just my luck!) The drums grew louder, and the gentle glow between the trees became a glimmering beacon. I managed to make it to the circle without a single mishap...and wasted no time marveling over that feat. The drums were rolling. It was time to dance.
How long had it been? ...Well over a year. I did not fully comprehend how much I'd missed it until I felt the thrum of the drumbeats sift up through the earth and rock against the soles of my feet. It was wonderous. I could do nothing but surrender to my body's desire to move. The night was warm, the fire was hot, and between the two I tired quickly. Some one had wet down the sand, and so when the drums would slow I'd walk a wide circle around the fire, cooling the bare soles of my feet against the damp earth and drinking in deep breaths of cooler air. I'd singled out a bench where I'd left my sandals when I emerged from the dark. It was the perfect spot...off to one side, giving me a view of the entire clearing and the few groups within it. The water jugs were there, too. I was there getting a drink, watching the other dancers circle the fire, when he approached.
I didn't know he'd be there...but as he would tell me later, he'd been down there waiting for me, hoping I'd appear. I recognized him as he approached, though the firelight had kindled his hair into coils of molten, dark gold. He came to ask me for water, and introduced himself as Adam. I remember thinking of how few people I knew of with that name...
That first night, as we talked, I was wary. On guard, I suppose you could say. I was in a very vulnerable state. The atmosphere at PSG has the tendency to leave one's heartstrings exposed. Its a place where anything can happen...and often, the very thing you least expect will descend upon you. I was camping alone at PSG for the first time ever. I knew I was going to have the opportunity to meet a number of new people. I was willing to leave my mind open to the possibilities. But, up until then, my heart had been almost...barren. The combined weight of what had occurred between me and Benji, with my dad and his surgery, with my mom and her surgery, in addition to losing my job, starting a new one, and struggling to find a place to live...Well, it had left me in what I referred to as an 'Emotional Wasteland.' The stress had simply sucked me dry. I was still my buoyant and optimistic self...however, I just felt emotionally tapped out.
Because of this, the past few weeks had me balking at anything that might elict or require an emotional response. I huddled in my safe little bubble, consisting of sleep, work, art, books, taking the dags to the park, and the occasional venture out to Dutch's for familiar company and good music. I'd been clinging to my routine like a lifeline, and tried to ignore all else...No commitments outside of work, no dates, etc. Unless it was something I could do to just help some one else out, I steered clear. To put it simply, since I'd brken up with Benji there were attachments struggling to form, and I was doing my best to avoid them at all costs. I didn't feel equipped to pursue anything. I just wanted to be me. I'd been staggering too long beneath the demands of others, demands that I was unable to meet despite my wishes to see them happy. When the one thing they want is the one thing I cannot give...Well, what else am I to do? ...Except be honest. And honestly, I felt nothing for them.
(And lately, my honesty had been less than appreciated...)
But, here I had no routine to desperately cling to. Here, I was confronted with that which I was most afraid of...my capacity to feel. Was it still there, even in it's smallest increment? Or was it burned and buried for good? I was afraid of that truth, particularly for what it meant with this individual...because how on earth could this possibly end well?
He was considerate. This I knew instinctively, as he maintained a comfortable distance and only pressed me for simple questions...where was I from? What did I do in the real world? I discovered much about him, too...that he lived and worked here at Camp Zoe, that he collected herbs and cared for the land, that he knew the medicinal and useful qualities of so many plants, and he had many good stories...
Adam walked me back to my tent that night. My steps were slow as I marveled at the wide expanse of sky above us...but, he waited patiently ahead. Once we reached my camp, he offered me a hug, and said he was glad to have met me. That was all. It was simple, and sweet. There was no pressure. I doubt to this day he realizes how much I appreciated that. From the very beginning, that effortless patience of his astounded me. It was the space he offered that won me over...Space that I never even had to ask for.
The next day dawned bright. Too bright! Too early! I woke with a grimace, staring down the molten beacon of the sun as it hovered merrily in the front window of my tent, heating that small space up like a sauna. Ugh. I would have to move my tent. But where? Not to Chaos camp, with Benji and the others... that would surely only make things more awkward than they already were. It would potentially give Benji the wrong impression. No, I would hold firm, and find another place to camp...somewhere much shadier!
Awake for good, I trundled out and staggered down towards Chaos camp to see if anyone might be up brewing coffee. Most were sleeping in the extended shade of their morning...and I couldn't blame them! Briefly, I debated between a shower and a dip in the creek. I'd not been to the shower house yet, but previous experiences had always labeled them less enjoyable than expected. The creek was cool and clean, and sure to snap the last of the sleep right out of me. Benji tagged along, and we talked. He laughed me into the deeper water as I sat dancing in the frigid shallows, afraid to take that final plunge under the cold current. Though I was guarded with him, I was finding it easy to treat things casual between us...But, I could also tell that I found it much easier than he did. There was nothing I could do for that, though...he had things he had to come to terms with in his own time. I could only remain steady in my decision, so that I could avoid sending him mixed signals. We were friends. That was all.
I also met Anita while down by the creek. We stumbled upon a shared fondness for animals, which pulled us into plenty of conversation, making us fast friends! Its always amazed me how easily people are drawn together during this event. I am actually hard pressed to find individuals I do not get along with. Granted, I get along with a lot of different personality types...but fewer people at PSG strike a chord of dislike within me. Anita was great. We formed a plan to meet back at the creek for a good cooling off towards the central part of the day.
By the time I reached Chaos camp again, people were stirring and coffee was being made. It was a good morning. Laughter was shared, plans were made, and I actually ventured out to the morning meeting. Anita was there. Some one had made necklaces for everyone gathered at that first meeting, and we picked ours out together. Her favorite color was purple, and so that swayed her decision. I picked a blue one that reminded me of the deeper waters of the creek. The meeting was what I expected, and the day was heating up. I headed back to camp to pursue a change of clothes and decide what to do about my tent.
It was hot. Too hot. Too hot to move, let alone consider hauling about my tent and fighting to set it up again. I stared it down for a while, before reaching the conclusion that I'd wait until near-dark to move it. In the meantime, I could scout for a place. There was still so much about this land I did not know and wanted to learn...it would give me a great excuse to explore it. Though, the heat of the day would undoubtedly make my progress sluggish...
The day passed slow. I think it was the heat that made everything seem so sluggish. By the time twilight was drawing near, a buzz of activity was awakened throughout the camp. The vendors across from me were kind enough to share their evening meal with me. Adam reappeared, and I felt his eyes on me as I painted a few people for that evening's bonfire ritual. Lyric was among them. I'd not seen her for the past two years, and she chided me for my elusive responses concerning why I was not camped with Benji this year. There was no short version to that story, so I insisted that it should wait for another time...
Dark began to fall in earnest. It was too dim to paint any longer, and so I packed up my things and changed for the Bonfire ritual. All the while, Adam and I talked. Conversation came easily...though most of it was revolving around that evening's ritual and what it entailed. This was only Adam's second big pagan festival, and so I shared what I had gathered from previous years attending PSG. The bonfire ritual has always been my favorite, because every year the people involved and the choreography is different. They try and keep it as secret as possible, and so when you attend it is like watching a theatrical production unfold.
This year's bonfire ritual did not disappoint. It involved a great many more people than I'd seen in previous years. The setting was new, and smaller, and so everything felt more intimate. I remember standing next to Adam, so close we were very nearly touching...glancing at him now and again in an attempt to read what he thought of it all. Once in a while I'd bend close to whisper a bit of information or explain something...but aside from that, there was nothing but the music and the awakening of the fire itself. It was wonderful. The grand finale erupted into everyone being welcomed to come in and dance around the fire. I wasted no time, and kicked off my shoes to join everyone else in moving to the beat of the drums. Such a crowd! There were voices raised in song, laughter, arms and legs all spiraling around the fire. It wasn't long before we were drenched in sweat. I finally made a break for water, and Adam followed me. We passed the jug back and forth, laughing, exclaiming over the heat...
"It would be a good time for a swim," I announced.
He asked if I wanted to, reminding me that one of the best swimming holes was right beyond the nearest screening of trees. I hesitated, and considered it for a moment before admitting that yes, I would very much like to swim right about now. It was a quiet sort of fear I was conquering, swimming at night...for I have always found dark water intimidating, to say the least. But when would I ever be given an opportunity such as this? A swim beneath the stars, following my favorite ritual at PSG? I ducked through the trees, following Adam's footsteps as he led the way...
There were no bathing suits involved. I stripped down right there on the beach, smiling inwardly that the whole rest of my body was as white as the sun-washed stones that made up the shore, especially in the moonlight. Adam was into the water first, and I followed more tentatively...sucking in a deep breath as the chill hit me. He disappeared beneath the surface, and I summoned what was left of the warmth in my body after so much dancing, clinging to it as I let myself drop beneath the black water. It was so cold without the sun to warm your bones as you came up for air. Quick strokes and constant movement helped to warm my limbs as I swam into the current. We reached a place where the water came up to our waists, and there we stood...listening to the drums echo off the face of the cliffs nearby. The sky above us was littered with so many stars, and the milky way stretched from one horizon to the next, unmistakably clear. It was stunning. I don't know how long we stood there, simply staring up in silence, feeling the water move around us...but it is a moment I will never forget...
The cool night air eventually drove us back to shore. Once dressed, we stopped in at the bonfire circle once again, where things seemed to have died down a bit for the night. I was weary from my lack of sleep the night before, and so decided it would be a good time to head back to camp. I still hadn't moved my tent, but of course I figured that by getting to sleep earlier tonight, I might actually be able to gather a decent night's rest before the sun peeped over the horizon...
All this was idly turning over in my head when Adam presented a much better suggestion.
Because he lived and worked there, he'd been staying in an air conditioned cabin. "If you're up for it, the bed is plenty big enough." I blinked, a bit surprised at the offer. He smiled, holding his hands up disarmingly as he read my hesitant expression, "No pressure, just a friendly cuddle and nothing more." To be honest, at this point my mind had already gone beyond hoping for a 'friendly cuddle' and was turning over the possibility of something more.
So, I followed him to his cabin. I tucked into bed alongside him, draping my arm across his torso and smiling as I heard him sigh. In the back of my mind, small thoughts were fizzing back and forth, marveling that this was suddenly the most intimate thing I'd done with such a perfect stranger I had recently been skinny dipping with. I could smell the sun on his skin. We talked some...and then words dissolved into deep breaths as comfort overtook us, and sleep stalked closer. Minutes passed, and pin-pricks of light flooded the room with strange shapes and textures as my heavy eyes adjusted. He moved closer, and I tucked my head up on his shoulder. I froze as his breath fell softly across my lips...And right there, somewhere in the dark silence between us, he found the courage to kiss me.
We slept in the next morning. Things had changed...but how? ...I could not say. There was the obvious, of course...the mutual attraction, the bliss in one another's company, the simple joy at waking up in another's arms. But there was something else...something that hardened into a little knot of fear in my belly. I was too content at that time to give it more thought...so I pushed it aside to dwell on later, and instead indulged myself in soft words and shared feelings before Adam had to start whatever projects he'd been given to do that day...
We agreed to meet up at noon, down by one of the swimming holes known as 'Miracle Beach.'
I returned to my booth, where I straightened my space, donned my bathing suit, and visited briefly with my neighbors. The day was growing hotter than the one before already. Though this meant that no one was going to seek me out for paint anytime soon, it also allowed me the freedom to spend the hottest part of every day doing whatever I wished...and so, I chose to see it as a blessing. I dropped in at Chaos camp just in time to help out with breakfast. Their shady grove was alive with activity that morning, and I drank it all in. This was community. These were some of the people I loved best in this world. How could I not be happy here? This was shaping into an incredible week...and one week out of every summer never seemed to be enough...
Just before noon, I crept down to Miracle Beach with my sketchbook, pitting my skills against a landscape piece. I'd not tackled landscapes in quite some time, and this seemed as good a place as any. I was on a good roll, when Adam showed up. (I'll have to scan in the piece at another time...unfortunately, it never got finished.) By that time, I was ready to set down my pen and cool off.
I have decided that I must have been an otter once. Perhaps a fish. My love for the current is undeniable! I love slipping into it, pulling hard with my limbs to try and beat it for a time...narrowing out my body, pressing my legs together so that the task on my arms is a bit easier. It felt so good! When I'd grow tired, I'd duck towards Adam, grab his arm and pull myself in lazy circles about him. We sat with our backs to a great stone face for some time, his arms around me, and with not a word. There were other people there, cooling off during this hottest part of the day, and in the days that followed we would learn their names and discover they would return this same time almost every day, just as we did.
Adam directed my attention to something in the rocks...a snake! My love of snakes had been one of the first things that drew us together. I was hell-bent on getting a few good shots of some native species before the week was up. This was a Northern Water Snake, sitting in his little watery burrow, content with eyeing the crowd of newcomers splashing about the creek. I snuck across to grab my camera, and swam hard with it held high above my head in it's case. When I was almost there, my right foot struck a rock...hard! I had just enough time to yelp before I went under...still holding my camera above my head! Hah! I may have drowned, but my camera sure as hell was going to stay dry!...My feet touched bottom just in time, and Adam helped hold my camera so that I could scramble onto better footing.
He let me get very close...
...Before he darted back into his little makeshift cave. I loved his little snakey grin!
I took my first pictures of Adam here, too.
Tuesday night was the night of the Labyrinth. Whenever I speak of PSG and it's traditions, the Labyrinth is always something I speak of with fond reverence. There is nothing more astounding than walking between rows of candlelight with a gathering of others, immersed in silence, all of you spiraling in, spiraling out...Its beautiful. I walked it hand in hand with Adam then entire way. When I came back later that night for my work shift, I took my camera with me to collect some beautiful shots...
Vaguely, you can glimpse a figure here and there. It was laid out over an acre or so. The truth was, my foot was so swollen and sore from my encounter with the rock in the creek that afternoon, that I was a gimpy mess...otherwise, I would have tried to scale some scaffolding in order to get a more aerial shot of it all...As it was, I could barely walk. I was stopped several times on the way back to Adam's cabin that night by concerned passer-bys, who thought that perhaps I'd had a bit too much to drink and might have been lost...
The week ran on. Adam wrapped me up in his world, and I could not have been more privileged. Rides on the water truck they used to water down the dusty roads were some of my favorite times...The water was icy cold, pulled fresh from one of the crystal cold springs. I'd sit on the back of the truck, snug next to Adam, bare feet dangling in the streams of cool water as the truck bounced through the whole camp. People would share smiles and laugh as we passed...for as Adam would say, you can't help but smile at the water truck. Midday would arise, and we would slip back to the cool waters of Miracle beach, followed by a short nap at the cabin. By the time we woke up, the cooler hours were setting in, and I could return to my booth as people would start to arrive to be painted.
By this time I was entertaining the idea of staying a couple extra days. I did not have to work until Wednesday. PSG was over on Sunday, and the invitation was wide open to stay until Tuesday morning. It was not a decision that warranted much consideration.
The next few days blended together in a slurry of warm sunshine, cool water, balmy nights, and the kind of moments that resonate beautifully within your core. I need only close my eyes and I am carried off to starlit skies and drumbeats, strong arms around me, crystal blue waters and the serenity of a quiet mind. I truly feel as though I left a piece of myself behind.
I can honestly look back and exclaim it was one of the most wonderful weeks of my entire life...
Adam came to see me, as he promised. He is teaching me a treasured lesson in patience, as these long-forgotten feelings grow within. I miss him dearly every day...but it is a sweet ache, and I cannot help but admit he is worth it. There is so much he has taught me, and still so much I have yet to learn.
