Solo The search for stillness.

[Ginchoeri]

Twenty second of Fall 512 AV

Gin had been thinking long and hard about what her new aquaintance Khida had told her only two days before this day. She was walking around the city, as usual in her red cloak. Stillness was not a weakness, it was observing, patience. This had struck some cord with her, though at the time she did not want to admit it. She tried to think of what could help her be still. She had always felt nervous if she was to still for long periods of time, so she had made a habbit of fidgeting when she got uncomfortable. She knew it made people around her uncomfortable and she wanted to find a way to make it less, she did not know, less difficult for her she guessed.

The knew that the stillest she ever was in any given day was when she was eating or playing her harp. But still, there were movements involved in both practices, meticulously small or not, they were still movement. She had to find something else. She had thought drawing might work. Observe was she was going to draw for a long time from one angle. But she was not skilled enough for that, nor did she have the patience, and that is what she needed to learn.

She walked along the bustling paths, from tent to tent, looking around her. So much movement, even in those just standing and talking, their arms and hands telling stories of their own. A little girl, who looked about the age of seven, bumped into Gin, falling over and dropping her dolly. The little girl looked horrified, and when she saw her dolly covered in dirt she started to cry, like her own scrapes and bruises were nothing. Gin knelt down and picked up the doll, brushing it off. Then she helped the girl up with a smile and brushed her off. Staying kneeled to be at her level.

"She should be fine," she said as she handed the girl her doll. The girl craddled it, as if it were the most precious thing in the world. For this girl, this doll might be the most precious thing in the world. Gin smiled and patted the girls head, "now be more careful and watch where you are going huh?"

The little girl nodded and said thank you before running off again. Gin just smiled, and wished she could be like that doll, so cheerished and loved. The dolls stillness was another thing that got her thinking. What if she acted like a doll.. Okay that sounds weird, but the concept of it was going in the right direction, what if her body and mind were in different places, like it was believed in some cultures dolls were.

Body and mind separate, what did that remind her of? Did it not start with an M. Metamorpisis, that was the change a butterfly went through, that was not it. Metropolis, that was a lage city, deffinately not the word she was looking for. An action, she was was looking for a practice. What was the word. Mediation, medicine, med.. med.. med.. That is it! Meditation! The act of contemplation, and trying to reach spiritual highs! Though it was also associated with religon, which Gin did not have. It also was used to calm the mind, to get rid of the stresses of a day or, if you get really good at it, the stresses of a lifetime.

Right then and there, she decided she would try this. The only problem was that she was about to attempt something she knew very little about. Well.. first things first. She would need a quiet place, as a beginner at least, so she had as little distractions as possible. She paced towards the edges of the city, trying to think of a good place where she was still safe but still far enough that the sounds of the city were at a minimal if not there at all.

She was at the edge of the city in no time. Gin looked around, she had strayed back in the direction of her tent from what she could tell. Turning towards the direction of her tent, she followed the edge of the city. It was considerably quieter here, but she felt she could get to an even quieter place if she just looked hard enough.

She was practically right next to her tent in a sense. It was just a little into the city, which was on her right. She looked around at her surroundings. She found what she thought was what she was looking for within moments. About seven horse-lengths away, was a large boulder, like many she had seen before. It was just far enough away that she would not be able to hear clearly what was going on in the city, just close enough that if something happened she could run right back into the city, and safe enough if she put the boulders bulk to her back that anything attacking her would have to either come from the side, in front of her, or above her.

Since she was so close to the city though, she probably would not have to fear any attack in reality, she was just naturally cautious. Knowing of the environment arround her. She walked over the the spot and sat down in the soft yet slightly spiky, and sparce grass in that area. She smiled to herself as she crossed her legs, maybe she could do this after all. She sat as straight as she could and this was where she was at a loss. She had to lose herself somehow. Just how could she do that?

How exactly do you know if you are meditating? Correctly that is. Is there a certain feeling that you get? Is that feeling different for everyone? How do you go about starting the process? Gin really did not know what to do. She was starting to think herself a fool for thinking she could try something without knowing how to do it. She sighed as she thought about what to do with herself.

[Ginchoeri]

As long as she was here by this boulder, she might as well try something. It was foolish to let the time she had spent be wasted. And who knew, she might figure something out. She might find that place if she was lucky enough, that place where it is told that meditation takes you. She would love to reach that place of calm and relaxation. After a year, the stress of loosing her parents and getting attacked by a Zith, almost diing and adjusting to a new home, it was all a little much. Now, she would never ever admit this to anyone, because that would show weakness. No she wanted to show strength, even if it was not within her muscles.

Gin took a deep breath, in and out, she tried to imagine a piece of herself falling off of her, to the ground, or into a deep dark whole. She took another deep breath, in and out, pushing the memory of watching her parents die in front of her over an imaginary waterfall. But her mind snapped back into place when her eyes spotted something rustling in the grass in front of her. She cried out as her old wound seem to be ripped wide open again. She choked back tears she swore she would not cry. She could not cry now, she would not let her memories get the best of her. Gin would fight this.

Yes, this is what she would do, she would fight her past, her fears of what has happend within her life, and the fears that made it impossible for her to sit or stand still. She would squestor all the pent up agonies, relieve herself of the pain. Even if it was a slow process, she knew this was something she had to do, something she had to overcome.

She looked to see what had interupted her initial attempt to find her place. It was a field mouse, a little brown field mouse, harmless as can be. Gin sighed at herself, this was deffinately not going to be easy. If a mouse could drag her out of herself, how would she ever expect to be able to do this within the confines of the city. There would be times when she would have to do so, and when it stormed she would deffinately not be able to do it. Everytime she would hear thunder or see lightening she would jump and maybe screech, and once she got tired of that, she would just freeze up completely. Sometimes she got so upset she would not even be able to play her harp or sing to calm herself down.

She shook her head, she was letting her mind wander to much. That was deffinately not what she needed. If Gin was correct she needed to clear her head of everything. She was just cluttering it with more thoughts. She sighed and resituated herself. How did the monks do it every day? Was there some secret way of doing it? After today she was going to have to look into it, learn more about it, ask people questions who had a little insight on the subject. Though as of now she did not know if anyone she knew had any clue what you did when you meditated just like her.

She would try again. This time she decided that she was going to close her eyes. So she did, she closed her eyes, the back of her eyelids making her world black though the light from the morning sun gave it an orange glow. Almost like a backlight of the setting sun, and all you could see was the silloettes of the trees and rocks. She tried again, taking a deep breath. In and out, letting a small piece of herself go, like a tear hitting the ground. With another deep breath, in and out, the exact same length as the first one, she let her memory of her parents diing slip away once again. This time she was not interupted.

One more deep breath, this time a little shakey, as she was loosing focus, she tried to let the memories of that horrible day go. That day when she came face to face with a Zith. She could feel the memory slip and bump as it fell to the ground soaking into the land. She focused again, and her forth deep breath she let go of those little insecurities that nagged at her every day. Their straight path to the earth, emptying another part of her.

She was starting to feel calmer, the breeze adding to the odd sensation of security and safety within herself. She was about to take in another breath when a flock of wild bird flew over her, their flapping of wings and screeching calls, ramming into her and slamming her back to real time to the world she lived in now. She screamed out, as all the bad and horrible things careened back into her mind. She held her head as she fought the urge to hyperventalate. But she could not help it, her body was being abuse emotionally, she had not prepared herself for this.

Could she be doing it wrong? She had never heard about meditation... hurting someone. Or could she just be different? Was this what happened when a novice who knew nothing of the practice tried it? Was she being punished? She did not know. But for some reason, she was not willing to give up. She was going to keep on trying, she felt she had to. She felt it was nessicary for her to move foreward in life. Gin pulled herself together, she was going to try again. She had to keep trying, even if it hurt, she had to move on, push foreward, because she could not keep looking backwards. She could not keep pretending that she was okay. She had to confront herself, and she was going to do it, through meditation.

[Ginchoeri]

Before Gin started her next attempt, she was realizing something. She was not comfortable at all in this position. Maybe this was a problem? Well the whole point of meditation was full relaxation right? So if she found a position she was more comfortable in would it not be that she was more comfortable. But what position would she be most comfortable in? She did not know, since she when she sat, she could never sit still for long. She untangled her legs from their crossed positons. She planted her feet in front of her, her legs bent at the knees, and her arms wrapped protectively around her shins. The fetal position, something she took often durning a storm as she waited for it to pass.

Would this be a good position, for her at least. She had heard somewhere that people do things differently, so why not her with meditation. Drawing herself up into a tight fetal position alway made her feel safe. Even if it looked a little silly and childish. What did it matter, as long as it helped her relax into herself right? She anchored herself to the ground with her feet, leaning forwards.

Gin started again, this time concentrating on the sound of her own breathing. A deep breath in, a deep breath out, as she let go of a piece of herself as she had tried before, letting it soak its self through the land. Giving its memory to the land for it to hold and care for. She took another breath in, and let another breath out, her concentration completely smooth. Another piece of her feel to the soil, feeling the ground greedily take the piece of her in as if it wanted her back in its soil.

A strange sensation, similar to the one she had had before, welled up inside her. She fought to keep her concentration, to do so she took another deep breath in, letting out her breath in a slow stream. Things seemed to rewind in her head, to slowdown as if everything was in slow motion. Her mind was seemingly empty of any thought, as she let yet another piece of herself get swallowed up by the soils eternal hunger and thirst.

An explination must be made about the images of the soil, the ground, absorbing the pieces of Gin. From what she believed, she was part of Mizahar, she was born from the land, she ate from the land and when she died she would become part of the land. Many a time, when she felt sick and weak, she would believe that it was Mizahar trying to take back some of what it had given her. And sometimes, it got what it wanted when she vomited all over the place. So, she would rarely if ever complain when she felt sick. Because she had no right to take away what was rightfully her worlds.

She took yet another breath in, letting it out again, with a smoothness that was rare even for her. Another piece of her dropped to the soil, eagerly allowing its self to be soaked up into its rightful place. Gin's hold on herself was begining to get really loose. She was feeling more and more relaxed by the second, her mind felt clear, empty of those horrible things that happened almost a year back. A birds wings flapped not but a horse length away, but Gin had not really heard it, she was deeply within herself.

She was in those pleasant memories, those ones she did not want to give up. Her father smiling proudly as Gin picked up the harp and tried to learn how to play it. Her mother singing away, on a cold rainy day, when she was scared. Meeting new friends here in Endrykas, people like Lucas, and Sama'el, even the little girl Kai and her new accuaintance Khida. All the good things, bombarding her without her really trying to think about it.

Gin did not know if this was what it meant to meditate, but if it was, she liked it. She felt, alive, and happy, truely happy like she had not felt in a very long time. She relished in this sublime peace spreading over her, like butter over hot bread. Gin was genuinely smiling, not that she knew she was doing it, she was smiling with joy that she could have been feeling all along. But all good things must come to an end someone once said.

The screeching ruckus of a f;ock of black birds made its self present, but that was not what snapped her out of her peace. It was the one of these black birds that careened right into her. Luckily she had her cloak on and all she would have later was a bruise. Still she jerked, being forced away from the pleasant world she had found. She cursed at the bird, but before she could finish her row with the stupid bird, the painful memories came back. And once more, painful screams left her throat as she faced them as if they were happening right then. She rolled in the grass, biting her lip. The large black bird that had rammed into her mocked her and then took off, continuing to mock her with its calls.

Gin screamed again, painful agony raging through her. No physical pain could match this she thought. This mental trap, that she could never figure out, the pain was so great. This mental break down as she tried to figure out what she was feeling. It was more than one thing, figureatively hitting her across the face with their full force. Regret, for not being able to save her parents, anger at herself for not being stronger, but the strongest emotion, was fear, fear of her death, of other's deaths, of the kind of creature that scarred her forever, both physically and mentally.

This is what she was, a mess of emotion. She was her past and her present, and she was going to have to find a way to live with that. She knew it would take time, but she would do it. One step at a time, she would take herself and transform. But she was not ready yet. Not yet, she had to learn more, and she had to see if she could find a better way to do it.

[Ginchoeri]

Gin sighed, did she dare put herself through it one more time. Was she truely willing to feel that horrible pain after every time she hit that ultimate high? Should she try one more time, maybe she would be more prepared for the pain that would come when she was snapped out of the trance she would put herself in? Gin realized that until she could figure out how to slow the memories down, to make sure they came back slower, she would not be scott free of the pain. Even then, she would still feel pain, but she also knew that to feel pain, was proof that you were alive.

"What would Khida tell me to do?... What would my mother tell me to do?" she asked herself. She thought about these questions seriously. Khida's phrase, 'Still is not weak.' Gin thought Khida would probably tell her to try again, to fight her weakness. Though this was only an assumption. Her mother, now Gin knew she would tell her to not give up. Her mother would tell her to keep on trying, even if it hurt. To perservere and keep going, even when you could not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

"It is there somewhere my little darling, You just have to know where to look." Her mother's voice rang clear in her head. It almost made think that her mother was right there with her. But a quick look arround her confirmed that she was just being silly. Her mother was gone. The land had taken her back into its self. She should be over it, she should not be sad about it any more. It had been so long ago. But Gin could not help miss but miss her. It was natural, she had been told once, to miss those who had died. Still, the whole in her heart had yet to be filled, or pieced back together. The shattered pieces still layed there on the ground, waiting for someone to pick them up. It was just that the right person had not come yet.

Gin took a deep breath, she would try one last time today. She owed herself that much. Maybe this time she would be able to block off some of the bombardment of pain in the end. The only way to teach herself how to do it was to actually attempt it right? She shook a little bit, the breeze nipping at her, at the exact same time a small fear gripped at her heart. Her body was telling her to stop, that she should stop causing herself harm, but what else was she to do, it was hurting her either way, and she felt that she would almost rather feel it in these strong bursts then feel it raking away at her through out all hours of the day.

She looked around her, making sure there was not some hidden predator around somewhere, she sniffed at the wind, smelling the things she normally smelled from the town, with an added crispness. She was rather lucky so far, and she did not see her luck running out any time soon. Even with all the screaming, she had not yet attracted a predator of any kind. It was almost to strange for her, but she did not question it. If nothing was after her, nothing was after her.

Gin shook herself out, one more time, she owed herself this much, she repeated to herself in her mind. She resumed her fetal position, and closed her eyes once again. She decided she would try one more thing. She tensed up each individual part of her body, starting with her face, releasing the tension after a moment and moving on to her shoulders and so on and so forth, until she had done it with all of her body. She instantly felt like her body had melted into its self. A relaxed feeling overwhelming her.

Now she was ready, completely ready for what was to come. She started, taking a deep breath in, instantly the piece of her she wanted to let go first was gobbled up by the ground, and let her breath out slowly. She was taking it slower this time, she would have to hold back the pieces a little longer if she wanted this to work right. Again, Gin took a deep breath in, instead of a tear, she thought of the piece of herself like sweet honey, dripping slowly and peacefully onto the ground, splashing beautifully onto the hungry soil. She let her breath out, nice and slow like the first time.

She took one more slow breath in, letting another honey drop of her fall to the ground, splashing up from the ground like a magnificent firework before completely sacrificing its self to Mizahar's land. The sweet sensation of emptyness coming back to her slowly, like a turtle making its way to the other side of its pond. Her breath hitched a bit, and she almost lost it, but she renewed her concentration fast and she was right back. The breath in was slow, and deliberate, as she let the last glistening drop of honey fall from her heart, and it was like it was in slow motion, the drop going so slow it was like it was floating in the air. The sweet sensation filling her body as all the good things returned to her, all her laughter, every smile, showed its self to her.

When the drop was swallowed, she let out her breath so slowly, and so deeply, it was almost as if she had fallen asleep right then and there. But this was not like her dreams, those horrible nightmares that robbed her of true rest. Gin had reached that place, that high, at least as she knew it. She did not care if she had done it correctly or not. She felt free, truely free from all the bad things. She did not want to let go of this feeling. Her breath still coming slow and steady. More pleasent memories rushed in, memories she had not seen in a long time came to her.

But again.. all good things must come to an end. This time, it was not a mouse, nor was it a bird. A caterwal, so wild and ferocious sounded off in the distance. A wild cat, going after its prey errupting into Gin's conciousness. She did not jump though, not as badly, she stopped herself, slowind down her return to the present, this gave her time to put up a wall of sorts. Slowly, her horrors came back to her. One by one, they seeped back into her brain, slowly bringing back the pain. She moaned, but did not scream this time, for the pain was not so excruciating as it was before. She sighed and opened her eyes.

She had done it. At least, she thought she had, but now, she must return to the city, for it was certain that she was not going to overstay her welcome in the Sea of Grass, even if she could see the city from where she stood, she was still in danger. She stood up slowly, looked out over the open prarie and smiled. She could do this, one step at a time, she could do this. And she would.

[Jackalope]

Gin

Award

Skill	XP Earned	Lore Earned
Philosophy	+2	Wanting to Learn to Meditiate
Observation	+1	Being Distracted
Meditation	+4	Pushing Bad Memories Away
		Meditation Pose: Fetal Position

Jackalope's Notes

If you have any questions or concerns regarding your grade, please send me a PM and we can figure it out.