Closed Troublesome Secrets

[Taylani]

Time Stamp 78 Fall 513

Moving back into the sleeping area of their pavilion, Taylani moved with little of the grace that usually marks her motions. Perhaps it was the odd clothing that she is not used to wearing, breeches made of green linen, embroidered with a dark purple and a top that was just a shade lighter purple dipping lower then her ruined dress ever thought to, hugging her curves. Perhaps it was weariness, or the ankle she avoided placing too much weight on, it didn't really matter to Taylani only that she felt ungainly and unseemly. On another day that might not have bothered her, but now that she was alone..out of the rain winds and thunder with Fallan after what had transpired, she felt she needed every confidence boosting that she could get.

This is why she did not sit or in any way make herself more comfortable. Instead she remained standing, her arms wrapped around herself, and she turned so that she faced Fallan when he entered. Outside the wind picked up, the rain started again and the fabric of the tent some how managed to keep the wetness off them. A clap of thunder caused her to jump with a start but otherwise she remained still, the only movement other then the jump is the shaky inhales of the occasional breaths she breathed.

When he followed her in, she did not lower her eyes, but she didn't speak. She didn't know what to say, where to start, or what would be safe to speak of. She took in his own damp hair, the mud that decorated his legs from the splashing through the puddling rain with Stormdancer. She understood that if he had come to harm it would have been her fault, if anything had happened to his strider it would have been her fault. In everything that happened she hadn't asked after Stormdancer, and though she is only just beginning to learn about those animals she understood about the dangers of running or even walking on such slippery terrain. She imagined it would be like trying to accomplish a leap on a wet surface. "Is Stormdancer well?" The question is spoken quietly, hesitantly.

ooc noteEdited only tense issues >.> nothing else

[Fallan Windchaser]

They entered the sleeping area in silence and Fallan could feel the air of expectation and awkwardness between them. Much had been said and done but they had not actually talked and nor had they reached any conclusions about where they might be going from here. None of what had been done or said could be taken back and all of it had changed the relationship between them.

Sometimes he had regretted the way that they had started out together, but it had been almost spur of the moment and certainly nothing had been planned. Then again even if he had planned it carefully it would doubtless have gone wrong.

So here they were and there was a silence whilst she stood defensively. "Stormdancer well, thank you," he replied to her question, which pleased him and he watched her for a moment with his head cocked, deciding what he should do and then followed his instincts and stepped in close so that he wrapped his arms around her and cuddled her as best he could, knowing that she would be stiff and unresponsive.

"What we do with you? How we make you happy Tay?" He pulled her in closer and kissed her on the forehead.

[Taylani]

It took all her strength to watch him in silence, to not duck her head as he looked on, to meet his gaze with her own. Yet this was just another example of what wasn't working, she couldn't continue this level of resistance, it was tiring and wearing on her nerves. She had gone as far as she could go on her own, keeping her walls up and keeping herself separate. When he closed in on her, she did stiffen, she did keep her arms around her own body, and her back ramrod straight at first.

When he spoke, then pressed his lips against her brow she shuddered lightly, then released the fight within her, allowing him to draw her closer. Her body, while not pliant exactly, softened and leaned against his frame, easing the aching muscles already sore from the mad ride through the storm that had jarred her body like a rag doll seemingly. She did not go so far as to move her arms, they stayed tightly wrapped around her as she considered his words, considered her own words. She did not know how she could go forward, she knew that she can not go forward and still harbor all this anger and rage. On the other hand, she did not know how to rid herself of it. It seemed to her on most days it was the fire of the bitterness and determination to not become like her captors that kept her from being consumed. Yet it was this same fire that threatened to consume her from the inside out.

She leaned her tired head against his shoulder, both to simply have the support of his body, but also so that when she asks the two questions that she was in a position to hide her expression from him. "Answer two questions Fallan..Please?" Her words were just as quiet as before, maybe more so now that she spoke within the protective circle of his arms, muffled by his body. "Why did you buy me?" The second question was much harder for her to speak, though she didn't know exactly why. It took her a second before she is able to raise her head, though this had not been her plan, to look him in the eye. "Am I your slave?"

[Fallan Windchaser]

His words would be the easiest parts of the conversation, that he knew, and so when she finally spoke he listened carefully, wondering if they would be questions that he could find answers to.

His hold on her remained firm, adapting to the changes in her body, but she was still stiff in his arms. Her questions were not easy to answer, not even in Pavi, and to make the attempt in Common was going to be almost impossible since he didn't even know the answer to the first question and the second was complicated.

"Hard question in Common, he responded at length. "Like Taylani spirit first meeting, Taylani beautiful, not want other man own you." It was perhaps as close to the truth as he could make it, but he was not at all sure that it was the answer that she wanted, but then how could anyone know for sure how well suited they were on the basis of one snatched conversation and then an unexpected opportunity shortly after?

But of the two questions it was in some ways the easier of the two for the reason for the question was a little clearer.

"Taylani captive. Taylani harm children, then Drykas treat like slave. Not Drykas way to keep slave. Drykas not bargain with slaves." He wondered if she had ever thought it odd that he had negotiated with her over the question of children and not simply used her to bear them.

"Taylani choose whether free or not. Taylani act fool then Drykas treat like child." The careful choosing of words in Common in a way that they might be understood was straining his abilities. "Taylani act like woman then treat as woman." It didn't exactly answer her question.

"Fallan not treat Tay as slave. Fallan want Tay as woman."

[Taylani]

The language barrier, it always came down to that, Taylani understood that some of their problems could be blamed on lack of either the ability to communicate, or the lack of desire to communicate. So when he begins to speak she stayed silent, she struggleed to process his words and to make sure she contemplated their meaning. If it was even possible her arms tighten around herself, and she drew back as far as his arms allowed her to, her face ducking down once more, to hide her expressions. Silently she cursed the dampness of her hair for the strands were clingy and heavy, and did not fall to curtain her face the way her dry hair would have.

His words that he did not want another man to own her stabbed at her but she did not respond. She had asked the question and if he had lied to her she would not have been any happier. She just hated the idea that she was owned by anyone. She had never realized just how sheltered her parents had sought to keep her, the harshness of the world seeming stark against the cozy love field rooms that she had grown up in. It was a long time before she spoke, and when she did, she never once looked up, though one hand raised absently to push her hair behind her ear.

"Act like a woman? Choose to be free or not?" She repeated the words he had spoken slowly, she still tried to see all sides, to see if there were any hidden meanings that his basic common was not able to communicate. "Don't you mean act like a Drykas? I chose freedom, and you came and brought me back." She did not mention the terror that had filled her when she realized the storm was hitting, the fear that still filled her whenever the thunder clapped and the dread that lived in her belly as the rain continued to batter at the pavilion. That would be counter-productive to her argument.

"I have my answer. A slave is someone who is owned. I am owned. A slave is someone who performs a service against her will or not..A slave is someone who can not choose where she lives, what she does, or how she does it." Finally she looked up, resignation deepening the darkness of her eyes, the blue orbs watery but not letting any tears shed. "You struck a bargain perhaps, but it was still a bargain where you won either way. You said you liked my spirit..but that spirit can not survive captivity."

Both hands raise to dash the wetness from her eyes, still trying to hold herself apart from him. "I am done. I can't fight it any longer Fallan, I am so tired of fighting. I am tired of being alone, and being angry. I just can't do it any more. Put me in chains or not, you have me here. I can never return to Syrilas, not now." Slowly her arms fell to her sides, and she visibly forced her muscles to relax, and she stepped closer to him once more.

[Fallan Windchaser]

His eyes narrowed as he listened to her answer. It was as he both feared and expected coloured by her insistence on a very narrow view of the world. Once more it was the Drykas who prevented her from living in Syrilas when in fact it was the Drykas who prevented her from dying in the wilderness after being thrown out of the city that she still claimed as her own.

He was tempted to lift her chin with his hand so that he could see her eyes as he replied, he was tempted to slap her and to continue to do so until she saw sense, but in the end he did neither as either would simply reinforce that view which she clung to.

"All wear chains," his reply was soft. "Some chains family, most chains survival. Tay not choose freedom, Tay choose death."

He wondered how to explain, how to break through that wall that she had built between her and the truth.

"Fallan struck bargain yes. Fallan advantage in bargain yes. Life not easy, life not fair. Tay made bargain, Tay broke bargain. Now though came the harder part.

"Tay not owned. Fallan responsible for Tay, teach Tay survive with Drykas. Fallan not buy Tay." How to explain this? "Auction place where families show can afford look after new family."

He suspected that she would not hear what he wanted her to hear and just choose to hear what she wanted. He decided to change his approach.

"Tell me Tay. If live Syrilas with father and run into wilderness. father come and rescue, yes? Father responsible for Tay. Fallan responsible for Tay. Tay keep bargain, Tay act like woman, then Tay free. Free not mean run into wilderness. Free means be Drykas if want yes. Free means have children. Free means live here, no guards, no chains. Free means return Syrilas one day if want."

[Taylani]

His words battered her defenses, tore at the walls that she had carefully and stubbornly cultivated. Each word delivered almost like a physical blow, and she could not avoid any. He would never understand, she couldn't make him understand when she herself didn't understand it much herself. He claimed he didn't own her, but his own words of why he paid the auctioneer for her was so that no one else would own her. However, she was not lying or mistaken when she had said that she was tired of fighting, that she could no longer fight. So instead of bringing up the contradiction she did nothing more then nod her head, still focusing her gaze somewhere around his navel.

Perhaps, she reflected that some of her her anger and sorrow at him..at his culture..was a mere reflection on the anger and fear of being ejected from the city. Perhaps she might not have been able to talk her way back in, perhaps she might not have been able to secure a spot on a trading caravan leaving Syrilas. But she had not had the opportunity to try, instead she was brought here where a man who confused her every day took her to bed. Lived amongst people she couldn't understand, in a frightening hard landscape, feeling things she knew was wrong, but unable to help herself. Learning new skills, realizing everything she had treasured and held dear was stripped from her.

So lost in the screaming thoughts in her head, Taylani didn't realize that she had started to sob, harsh hiccuping sobs that shook her shoulders and jarred her body. It wasn't fair, she had done nothing wrong but defend a man, and because she defended the wrong man she was stolen, coerced, alone, scared, and now pregnant. Her shoulders hunched, as she sought to bury her face in her hands. Her life, once filled with dreams and hopes, was now reduced to survival and fears. How could she ever be happy or satisfied with this life, when hers was meant to be a life of dance and flying. Taylani the dancer could never be happy only being someone's mother, birthing Fallan's children year after year. But then ...she was no longer nor could she ever be Taylani the dancer ever again.

She didn't know how long she cried, long enough that her eyes felt scratchy when she finally let her hands drop, that her good leg that was supporting almost all of her weight trembled with fatigue and she had to shift her weight with a wince onto her tender ankle. She still doesn't look up at him, but her hands did drop from her face, wiping the tears that had wet them on her breeches before speaking with a shaky voice. "I am. I am sorry Fallan." Her shoulders jerk with a gentle hiccup which broke her words, "I will learn. I will try and act like a woman."

[Fallan Windchaser]

It seemed to him that they were beyond words, beyond making sense of the situation in any rational way and perhaps it was just the wrong time. Both of them were tired, and she was far from her normal self.

There was little for him to do other than to hold her while she cried, wondering when the right time would come to do more. It came eventually when she spoke to him and even then no easy words came. Instead he merely spoke gently to her.

"Thank you Tay. Now, you lie down, rest." His actions brooked no refusal for he pushed aside the covers on the bedding and then as he straightened he caught her and lifted her in his arms, then crouched and laid her down. He paused long enough to strip off his still damp breeches before he laid down beside her and pulled the covers over them so that when he cuddled and held her, and he did no more, they would warm and perhaps finally lose the chill which still clung to them with their dampness.

[Taylani]

Shattered, that was the word that best described Taylani, the hard core that she had kept everything hidden behind was broken leaving her feeling raw and exposed. When he bent to pull back the top o the bedroll she swayed gently, not from physical weariness though there was a large amount of that, but from simple numbness. This was not the numbness that had invaded her arms and legs when she had been too surprised at the turn of events when she was captured, instead this was the healing numbness that happens when a huge wound finally lessens in pain.

It did not negate how he had made her feel that first night after the auction that set up the many weeks of self torment within her mind. It did not take away the mourning of her former life, but it did make the grief bearable. For the first time since the auction she did not feel the churning sense of hatred within her, and that is the reason for the sway. It was amazing the strength hate and anger gives you, even as they undermine everything you seek to accomplish. Without the hard emotions, Taylani is left feeling defenseless but at least at some sort of peace.

So when he lifted her, she did not fight it, using her deeply ingrained dancing technique to hold her body in such a way that it is less cumbersome for him. She did utter a slight 'o' of surprise though, as she hadn't expected that. When he laid her down fully clothed, then stepped away to rid himself of his breeches, she did not turn away. And when he joined her in the bedroll, pulling her close, instead of turning her back to him she curved herself against him, drawing her legs up to lay gently over his. Her torso leaned into his, her head bent on his shoulder, and even her own arms resting against him. This in effect gave them more contact between them, helping to warm them faster. This was not the reason she did it though, of course because she didn't understand this bit of medical knowledge, she did it because she needed the human touch.

There was just one thing that she needed for him to hear, she would never be able to move on from this let alone build a somewhat happy existence with it still boiling in here heart. She held no illusions that she would instantly be cheery and happy, she doubted she would ever be truly happy but she wanted this ..semblance of peace in her heart to last. For that she could no longer let things fester, that way had failed her already.

"I ran." For a moment that is all she said, as if he were not already aware that she had ran away. However she was simply gathering her words. "Because you've made me feel like something to be used up. Especially when..when I got pleasure from you." In the past she would have been blushing by now, but instead her face remained pale and solemn. Her voice soft but matter of fact even if her words were hesitant. "I felt horrible because..I thought there was something wrong with me..to enjoy being used. And then Waisana.. her family trying to force her to ..to breed. Said she was no better then me.." Now she does pause, fear bubbling gently into her throat at what she is about to reveal but not wanting the night to go before he understood why she had fled. "Between her and other's stories...I couldn't leave my child here. Not alone, especially if it is a girl child..Once I realized that your seed had taken hold..I couldn't risk it Fallan.. It is why I can't ever return to Syliras.."

[Fallan Windchaser]

He was pleased when she didn't push him away, but he wasn't sure that it was simply because she was downhearted and could no longer bear the energy to do anything at all, either positive or negative. She had been listless as she stood there with the fight drained from her and he wasn't sure what the best way forward was. To push her more now might break her and so once more he took stock from the only thing that he knew which was of working with horses for he had no real experience at all with relationships, not of this kind at any rate and family hardly counted.

Her soft words, though somewhat distant made sense to him and opened a window into her heart that revealed her motivations and gave reason to her actions. He considered the words whilst he held her still and avoided any indication of rejection.

"Taylani think too much," he replied softly. "Taylani listen gossip of silly girls, not look around her."

It wasn't lost on him that she had now admitted to being with child, and given her words he could see why she acted even if he considered that it was a poor decision.

"Fallan understand Tay not want Drykas. But Drykas is in heart not in race or being man or woman. Women in Drykas as important as man. Can do anything man can do."

He still found it hard to explain to Tay, for she seemed to have a blindness to reality; where dreams fitted round life and not the other way round. He made an attempt nonetheless, choosing his words carefully.

"Women forced to child not good," he admitted. "Not normal for Drykas. But, all do what needed for family survive. If man hunter, not sit in tent because snow. Not choose to risk life, risk injury, hunter or Strider. Easy to sit in tent, but family not eat, family die. If no children, no family."

"In Summer, no snow, easy hunt. Now Winter for Drykas, need children. When child grow, maybe Summer. Child choose if have child."

There was one more thing that he wanted to address. "Taking pleasure never wrong. Sometimes think things, want things, think bad. Never bad. Some like gentle, some like hard, some like force, some want be used, be hurt. All good if give pleasure."