A Dancers Sorrows and Joys

[Taylani]

53 Fall

Still no cycle. My stomach is in knots and I am nauseous but I am expecting that that is due to nerves and worry more then anything else. Fallan doesn't seem to have noticed, he still takes what he wants at night. Sometimes I even enjoy it, though the enjoyment is always a double edged sword because it just undercuts how wrong I must be. My Pavi is coming along I think, today I went out foraging with some women and almost could tell the topic of conversation every time. Though only knowing the subject doesn't help with understanding but its a start. It is good to see some progress.

Still no Syliras traders, but I think we are moving away from Syliras every day so it is a long shot to run into any that might be traveling back toward the city. Perhaps if I dyed my hair I could sneak back in with the caravan. That is of course dependent on my not being pregnant and waiting until the merchants arrive if they ever do.

If I am pregnant, if Fallan found out he would keep on me, I know it. Children seem important to him and to the Drykas in general. If Fallan finds me pregnant it would definitely make any escape that much more difficult. I can not leave any children here. I am not sure I could raise any child of Fallan's..not properly. Children deserve love no matter what their father did to beget them. I am not sure I can love any child that grows in my belly from him. I might not hate him, but I hate what he has done to me. It's a distinctive difference but not enough to negate the disgust the idea of bearing a child of rape brings. I am under no illusion, what he does to me is rape for I have no choice, nor did I ever have a choice with him. Which is why I am certain there is something fundamentally wrong with me that I sometimes enjoy his touch...sometimes I want his touch. If that is not enough for me to run out and beg a glassbeak to eat me I don't know what is.

[Taylani]

57 Fall

This is just a placeholder. The 56th marked a glassbeak attack that Taylani would definitely write about in her journal, but since the thread is just started I am not sure how she would be effected by the progress.

[Taylani]

60 Fall

It has been about two weeks since I skipped my cycle. I was so numb all day today that even Fallan questioned my mood. His mother sent him disproving looks as usual tonight but I couldn't even concentrate. All I could think of was "I'm pregnant". I am pregnant, and my heart hurts with the idea. I know that I should be excited, as most women are when they find that they are with child, but I can not help but remember how this child was gotten on me. Every time I think about the pregnancy I remember the oiliness I feel after each coupling. I can't think about what this child with look like without remembering how its father used me like a whore...and that I acted the part at times.

Some masochistic part of me wants to just give up, and be his whore. It would be so easy to do so, if my mind wouldn't keep dragging up what I really wanted. The dance, my mother they are all important. But more and more lately I have been chafing under the knowledge that I will never be able to give my body to someone who also holds my heart and my soul. Giving oneself to someone without the other two...well there is no difference then ifI went to the pleasure houses and sold her body.

At least selling my body I would still have some control over it. No. Here I am less then even a whore. If he cared even a little bit about me then I might be able to accept it, but how could he care about me? If he cared about me, then he wouldn't continue this forced relationship. How can he care about someone that he simply wants children from. Sure he is nice, he can be patient and kind, but that is just a front surely, his words to me the day he had purchased me rings more loudly in my ears then anything else he has said.

[Taylani]

65 Fall

It has become obvious to me that the only recourse I have is to run. I will die. I know I will, and with me this child of Fallan's will perish too. Do I want to die? No, I don't want to have to feel the beak of the glassbeak tearing my flesh, the clash slashing my organs. I don't want to fall prey to a nightlion, or perhaps a bear of some sort. I don't want to die, else I would just slice my wrists where no one could find me. No, I don't want to die. And there is a small chance that I might find a traveler of the grasses that would let me go along with them. If they were not Drykas they surely wouldn't leave me to die in the grass.

What choice do I have. I might not be able to love this child like it was truly mine, like it deserves to be loved. But I do love it in the fact that it is a helpless babe, that depends on me to protect it from the world. For that, I must also protect it from his father. I don't know what I will do if I make it. Find a family to raise the child? My mother would raise it, but I don't think I could tolerate a child that looked like Him. If it has his dark hair, his gray eyes...his hands that are squared so well and gentle...not going to go there.

I don't know.I will cross that bridge when I come to it I suppose. For now I am resigning myself to meeting the goddess Dira...and she will get the rough side of my tongue, simply because I don't have access to Lhex the god of Fate to give him my thoughts. Petching gods.

[Taylani]

70 Fall

Saw the healer Irea to discuss my pregnancy. Mostly to see if a run would hurt the child, other then of course being eaten by a glassbeak would. She didn't seem to think walking would hurt the child, though she seemed to be eager to keep me on a horse. She was concerned about my hips, mentioned how narrow they are, and then advised me to give birth with a healer present. That caught my ear, but if that happens it will be many months from now and not something that I wish to be saddled with at the moment.

I have began to buy food items that will keep, to pack in my pack. I won't take my jewelers kit, nor will I take Freedoms Call, there is no reason for that horse to die just because I am probably going to. Tonight I laid down beside Fallan, listening to him breath, my hands pressed against my belly. For the first time I felt just a small spark of kinship with this child. Yes, it is Fallan's. But it is mine too. I looked at Fallan as he lay sleeping, and with all the tension from his face, he looked peaceful..he looked kind. I almost regret the decision that I must make, because no matter what he threatened me with the first night when he bought me..he would make a very nice father..for a boy. If this child is a little red headed girl, I can not describe the rage I feel thinking of her being sold off to a Drykas man as a wife. Perhpas I am misunderstanding the Drykas, but it is hard not to let their actions against me color my perceptions.