[Issues found by Twister] Onnika

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Onnika

Postby Onnika on November 14th, 2013, 9:58 pm

Onnika


Appearance

Race: Konti
Gender: Female
Age: 13
Birthday: Twentieth of Winter, 500 AV.
Birthplace: Mura
Picture :
Image

Appearance: Like all Konti Onnika is small and slight in form. She is nearly fourteen and looks like she's just approaching twelve. Her wavy blonde hair reaches her shoulders, her blue eyes are akin to the sea during a storm, and her pale skin still has that childlike glow to it. To most she appears a bit on the skinny side, but she is at a normal weight for a Konti her age. She stands about four foot nine right now. The iridescent scales that grace all Konti are most apparent on the backs of her legs, arms, and back. If one looks closely, they might see a few shimmering scales on the back of her neck, but none on her forehead. It would be difficult, but Onnika might be able to disguise herself as human if she were very careful.

Character Concept

Onnika is quiet and shy, kind and compassionate, but lonely. Her particular gift allows her to -------------------------------------

As far as personality goes, Onnika is a good person, negative intent creates conflict in her mind just as much as the good intent. Her memories are jumbled with memories that only exist in that form. Being so young, Onnika's personality is still developing, she is prone to chaotic action just as much as logical action depending on the situation.


Character History

Onnika was born and raised in Mura. Her Father was Akalak and her Mother, of course, is Konti. She spent her early childhood learning and spending time with her family. Her Mother often joked that Onnika was indeed a fish, she was encouraged to swim. As Onnika's Gift developed she spent more time in the water and away from people to avoid filling her head with false memories.

Her Mother began teaching her Palmistry at a young age, as well as the basics of song, Onnika has a high sweet voice when singing and though her voice is not perfect, it is quite pretty.

Recently, while diving and swimming a few miles from Mura, Onnika was captured by a Slaver ship that happened to traveling close to Mura. Onnika was of course locked up and kept under close watch due to the price placed on most Konti, especially young ones.


Language

Fluent Language: Kontinese
Basic Language: Common
Poor Language:

Skills

Skill EXP Total Proficiency
Singing 15 SP 15 Novice
Observation 5 SP 5 Novice
Fortune Telling (Palmistry) 10 RB 10 Novice
Acrobatics 30 SP 30 Competent


Lores

Helpful Lores:

Lore of Kontinese Culture
Lore of Religion: Avalis


Possessions

1 Set of Clothing
-Simple Shirt (Black)
-Simple Pants (Dark Blue)
-Simple Undergarments (White)
-Simple Cloak or Coat (White Half-Cloak)
-Simple Boots (White)


Housing

Location: Mura

House: 1 basic 20x20 single room cottage (400 sq feet) with a hearth, bunk, chest, chair, and small table.


Ledger

Purchase Cost Total
Starting +100 GM 100 GM


Thread List.
Last edited by Onnika on December 13th, 2013, 4:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Onnika
Player
 
Posts: 13
Words: 4819
Joined roleplay: November 11th, 2013, 7:09 am
Race: Konti
Character sheet

NPC's

Postby Onnika on November 19th, 2013, 4:50 am

NPC's




Name: Brenna
Gender: Female
Race: Konti
Age: 64
Picture:
Secret :
Image

Skills

Skill EXP Total Proficiency
Singing 15 SP 15 Novice
Musical Instrument (Flute) 5 SP 5 Novice
Fortune Telling (Palmistry) 30 SP 30 Competent


Occupation: Fortune Teller (Palm Reader); Brenna reads the future in the palms of others, most of her clients are visitors to Mura, she is able to make enough for a Common living.

Additional Info: Brenna is the mother of Onnika. She resides in Mura with her sister and their mother. Because of Onnika's age, her mother and family have kept her money in trust.

Last edited by Onnika on December 13th, 2013, 4:28 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Onnika
Player
 
Posts: 13
Words: 4819
Joined roleplay: November 11th, 2013, 7:09 am
Race: Konti
Character sheet

Onnika

Postby Onnika on November 20th, 2013, 6:43 am

Onnika



Some goals OOC that I have for Onnika, they aren't listed in order.



To learn about Nysel
-Acquire Dreamwalking
-Lore

To learn about Sunberth
-Not die.
-Lore + Skill

Be Sold
-Acquire a Master and steady home.
-Thread

Learn a Trade
-For income.
-Thread + Skill

User avatar
Onnika
Player
 
Posts: 13
Words: 4819
Joined roleplay: November 11th, 2013, 7:09 am
Race: Konti
Character sheet

Onnika

Postby Twister on December 2nd, 2013, 11:36 am

Image

Hello Onnika, my name is Twister and I'm one of the Assistant Storytellers here on Mizahar, residing in the city of Sunberth. I looked over your Character Sheet and noted a few problems and inconsistensies that you will need to address before you post again with this character, so please don't post in-character until you've sorted them out.

 
Konti Gift and Gnosis
Starting with your Konti gift, you need to get that approved in the Help Desk. Seeing as you don't have a "Storyteller Secrets" thread linked in your forum profile, we'll have to assume that you haven't submitted it through the HD. That your CS doesn't have a green checkmark only reinforces that impression.

You also haven't detailed your Gnosis Mark anywhere in your CS. Pretty much all Konti are born with the mark of either Avalis or Rak'keli. This should be mentioned openly somewhere in your CS and should be mentioned in the Help Desk as well.
 
NPC
NPCs also need to be approved via the Help Desk and added to a "Storyteller Secrets" thread for you to be able to use them. Simply posting them up in your CS does not suffice nor enable you to use them. If it's simply a character in your history that you don't intend to use in threads, you don't need to apply for it. However, seeing as you filled out the skill table and normal NPC format right here in your CS, I'm going to assume you intended to use the NPC in threading. Like the Konti Gift, the lack of a "Storyteller Secrets" link forces me to assume you haven't gotten it approved.
 
Swimming
Swimming is kind of a pointless skill for Konti to have since it is an inherent ability that they have, much like Zith being able to fly and Charoda being natural swimmers. You really don't need to spend any points in it, and you won't be able to get any Swimming points awarded to you. (reference)
 
Disguise
Not a correction, but keep in mind that disguising yourself as a human is not only difficult because of the scales, but also the webbing on your hands and feet. Just noting that here.
 
Timestamp
Unrelated to the actual CS, your thread "Swimming" lacks any kind of Timestamp. Please address this, too.


Most of the issues with the CS revolve around the lack of a "Storyteller Secrets" link and, thus, the lack of Help Desk approval. Pitch me a PM whenever you post up the link in your forum profile as proof of your approval, and I'll remove this intervention (provided you've addressed the other pair of issues, as well).

Love,
Twister
.
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Twister
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