Solo Guilt

[Kaiphur]

Timestamp: Day 12, Winter, Year 513 AV Kaiphur grasped the small, tattered book in his hands. This diary was the only truly meaningful possession he had from his old life. Flicking through the pages made all of the memories bleed out vivdly, viscerally. He knew how badly a few memories could make him react, so he started on a blank page. He had to put the past few days on paper. The noisy pavilion made it hard to focus, even though he had hastily draped off his own ‘section’ with thin cloth. It was tiny, cramped and didn’t blot out the noise – but it awarded Kaiphur some sense of privacy. “Aran and I grew closer the other day. I met him on the outskirts of the city with a girl named Taylani… why did I feel a hint of jealousy? I don’t need to hold any of my thoughts back when it comes to writing.” His neat, loopy letters gave way to untidy scrawls. “He taught me how to ride Laithe, and it was wonderful because I could actually control something for once… That horse had trust in me! It ended in a quite a disaster as I ended up making a rather big fool of myself – I landed on the ground and Aran came running towards me!” A grin flitted across his youthful face, but his brows knotted together as Kaiphur started to feel anguished. A crushing feeling settled in his chest, and he could sense the guilt that lay thick within his blood. This man had rescued him, but into slavery. He taught him how to ride, but was it friendship or an obligation? He wanted more. Could Kaiphur give it to him?

[Kaiphur]

Aran had more than hinted at what was in store. Kaiphur had been bought and sold for one main purpose – breeding. Sometimes he wished that his master was more cruel or vindictive so that he would have an excuse to despise him and refuse any demand he had to make. Yet Aran had been one of the only people to at least try and accept his… condition. Aran had given him a home, and more space than a lot of people would have let him get away with. This made everything harder… He was starting to feel a sense of obligation. Obligation and gratitude. How dangerous. Aran needed to wed and father a child. The pain of having his body used in the one way that would be impossible for a man would hurt more than anything before. Kaiphur looked down at his thin, pale stomach, imagining it swollen and engorged with a child stored inside. Everyone would know that he wasn’t a man. No man could carry… a baby. The birth would be atrocious, forcing a messy being into the world from his frail body, left to be discarded until another child was required. He had ran away for a fresh start and had ended up trapped in a new form. He felt the familiar thoughts seeping into his mind. Promising complete numbness, emptiness… He could fill his mind with possibilities whilst his body performed the basic functions that would allow him to perform his role. He wouldn’t be catatonic, just… compliant. Would that be the way? It was only just over a year ago that he had sat, dressed in all the finery that a young lady would be expected to wear. His mind had sealed out everything, keeping him trapped inside. Oh, it was definitely doable.