[Merenwen's Scrapbook] The Willing Well

[Merenwen]

Aidara –

Indeed, we have never spoken before up until now. I have, however, heard a lot about you, and if I’m not mistaken, it’s been about people begging you to come back to Miza. Haha, I think I see why. (:

I would like to say I know how you feel with the depression, and up until recently, I would have. BUT… I think I have made an interesting discovery. I think depression is a broad term used to sum up a general mental state that is in actuality very complex, and unique to each individual person. Depression is caused by a multitude of different things, and can result in an array of different outcomes depending on the individual personality. For whatever has ailed you in the past, I admire your ability to admit it. I wish I could do it in the way you make it seem so easy! I’ll take a stab at it…

I, too, suffer from depression as a result of hereditary bipolar disorder. Uhmm…. It sucks. Haha, it really affects every aspect of my life, and I never realized it until I recently took the advice of family and friends and had it checked out. Doctors wanted to put me on medication, but I thought it was stupid. I told them so. I felt like if it was really a problem resulting from my own personality (or whatever) I could fix it myself. I have always been one to tell others to leave me alone and let me do it myself… And it wasn’t until I took someone’s advice and tried the medication that I learned a very valuable lesson:

It’s okay to ask for help, and it’s okay to accept help, no matter the form it comes in (a pill, a smile, a short chat, an encouraging letter). It’s all in HOW you accept it and HOW you utilize it.

I hate… Hate… HATE… admitting that I’m wrong… >< Hate it. But someone said something to me yesterday:

“Katie, you can’t ALWAYS expect to be right.”

Uhm, yeah, it pissed me off at first, but I got so mad I cried. And when I cried, I got sad. And when I got sad, I starting thinking. As I thought, I reflected. And then, I saw…

No kidding, it’s not easy… But I decided that rather than just telling everyone to eff off because they were right, it was time to start learning to apologize to others, admitting mistakes, and taking responsibility. With all of the anger erupting in the world, it’s making it a sad, sad place. I remember saying something about the man who scammed me:

“If people would put this much effort into making the world a better place instead of trying to hurt each other, imagine what we could accomplish.”

And then I asked myself, where does it start? Inwardly I thought, “Here,” and was pointing to myself. By changing ourselves, we change those around us, I think. People are constantly looking up to us, or down on us, based on how WE act individually. We are in a constant cycle of influencing others, and it takes a huge bear step backwards to see the whole picture instead of just the self-portrait, so to speak.

You find a penny on the street. You leave it and keep walking. It’s just a penny, right?

You find a penny on the street. You pick it up. You drop it in a donation box. On the other side of the world, it buys a little boy or girl a pair of shoes. It saves him/her from getting infected blisters, prevents a surgery or amputation. Saves a life, prevents crippling diseases. A freaking penny. Can you imagine?

I couldn’t… I’m trying to, now, though. Aidara, I’m glad you could relate to my scrap through your own personal experience and felt like you could share a little piece of yourself with me. You speak of how you were an angry person who shut everyone out. Past tense? You seem to have overcome such obstacles, and I hope I have interpreted this correctly. I know what it’s like to be angry all the time. I’m a vengeful, spiteful person sometimes… I never used to believe in apologies up until about a year and a half ago when I met a young man who apologized FOR me. He would say, “I’m sorry you feel that way” when I told him he was a jackass. When I told him he was arrogant. When I told him he was selfish. One day I got really mad at him and flipped a coffee table at him. >< I asked him why he apologized for what I did. He shrugged and told me that one day I would open my eyes and see what it was like to be wrong, to be at fault. And he told me it would feel shitty until I learned to accept it. He was right.

My inner rage is, uhh….. Beastly. Unfortunately. Haha. It’s a shameful thing that I’m learning to overcome all too slowly. It affects every little aspect of my life, and those around me. At what point in your life do you decide it isn’t fair to take your own faults out on someone else, for them to deal with too? It’s viral, I decided.

I feel like I’m rambling. I hope this makes sense. I’m just trying to let it come from my heart, and I really just wanted to thank you for sharing. I hope we can talk some more and get to know each other some. The little glimmer of your self-accomplishment is an inspiring thing. (:

[Oracle]

[Merenwen]

Totally just lol'ed so hard at that. Funny story, actually.... when I was younger, i was told I resembled Claudia because of my hair. (: