Closed Troublesome Secrets

[Taylani]

Taylani continued to lay very still against him, her body relaxed, letting the heaviness of weariness take over her limbs even as she listened to him speak. The void that had been left when her defenses had been shattered made her feel hollow, but his explanations started to fill it in her mind. Too long had she been unbending and unyielding, fighting against the tide of culture and against him, all for some idealized ideas. Living in Syliras, under the protection of the knights Taylani had been blind to the dark side of that protection. She had not wanted to see strict almost tyrannical aspect of the knights, whose word was law. Even when she had been expelled, a convenient scapegoat had arrived to transfer her rage and bitterness to. No it did not make what they did to her, what he had did to her, right but in light of his words she was beginning to understand.

Taylani could mark the exact words that turned her hurt and sorrow into small pangs and not all compassing heartache. When he admitted that it was not good to force women to birth children, that resonated within her heart. Without thinking she turns her face against his shoulder, letting out an almost inaudible sound of relief. Finally, she didn't have to be the only one who saw the bad in that, to not feel as if she was ridiculous for fighting the inevitable of birthing his children. The admission did not bolster her self-righteous victim mindset, instead it helped to break it down, helped to make her feel less like a victim. Topped with his analogy of comparing the winter and summer to hard times and easy times, Taylani finally began to understand the plight of these people, and to accept in her heart that her child would be one of these people.

The next problem is how to tell him that she understood. She is stubborn, but she is not unwilling to admit when she was wrong, she just had to find a way to tell him so that he knew that she understood and was not simply paying lip service. Taylani shifted in his arms, turned so that she lay on her side one arm beneath her, but the other still draped over his abdomen. With the arm that was beneath her she lifts her upper bod so that she could look at his face fully, gazing down at him. Her hair, drier now and the reds beginning to show amid the damp patches, fell over her shoulder to one side, spilling across the arm that had cradled her.

"Our lives have been so different. It was too.. painful, too hard to imagine my life ...out here." Taylani bit her lower lip, and hesitantly raises her hand to brush the tips of her fingers across his brow, down the side of his hairline, much like he had their first night together. "I can't promise to be Drykas. I don't even think I understand that. But I do promise to give you a family. You are right. It is time for Tay to look around... now...and not behind..."

[Fallan Windchaser]

He wasn't sure how she would react, how she would take the words that he had crafted for her. There was nothing deceitful in what he'd said or how he had said it, nothing even remotely intended to sway her to his way of thinking by means of altering the truth. For once he had spoken his thoughts without editing them to what he wanted her to think or believe.

But it had not seemed to matter how carefully he chose his words or what he chose to say or not say. Much of the problem had been caused by his very first words to her, words which had he known her better he might have chosen differently. So now he had waited to see how she would react and if those words had made it past the barriers around her mind.

He studied her expression as she levered herself up, her hair still damp reminding of his own similarly damp hair that pooled and knotted under his shoulders. He had hope that her words would be positive and he was reassured by the tone as much as by the words themselves. He smiled at the stroke of her fingers around his face and held her closer.

"Thank you Tay. Tay be Drykas. Not need understand, just feel with heart. Tay have new family here for long as Tay want stay." Now he potentially took a risk with his words. "When child born and safe travel, Tay show to parents in Syrilas if want."

[Taylani]

Would Taylani have chose this life if she had of been given the choice? Chosen to live among people she barely understood, chosen to live within cloth confinements rather then sturdy stone? Would she have chosen to take a windmarked barbarian to her bed, and given up Dance for pregnancy this young? No, she would not have, however that is how her life had gone. Be it because Lhex had changed her fate, or by mere happenstance this is her life now. Even if someone told her that they were going to pluck her from Endrykas and place her back in her parents home tonight, her life was already changed beyond anything she had ever thought possible.

So when he speaks about her being Drykas, having a new family she simply smiles a small almost wan smile and settled back down against him. He can speak of families but she was still the outsider with no real role yet, but again that was not to be laid at his feet. Perhaps in time she would feel like part of a family.

His words of Syliras though, made her heart leap and her body tenses in anticipation, for a brief flash, hope and even joy filled her before reality crashed in. Taylani shook her head, causing the damp tendrils of her hair to sway against his arm, shoulder, and her back. "I would love nothing more then that Fallan. I miss her, them, but really her. I am frightened to do this without her..but lying to her via a message is different then lying to her to her face. I can't lie to my mother, and I am sure she will wonder about you and how you managed to ...convince me to give up dance."

She does not lever herself back up to look at him, instead she experimentally fit her body against his tightly. It felt awkward to her, seeking comfort from him after so long of denying that to herself. "If they found out that I had been captive, even ..not telling them everything that alone will make them turn you into the knights."

[Fallan Windchaser]

She made good point and ones that he was forced to consider carefully to see if there were truth to them in all their possibilities. What struck him however was that she chose to speak of her parents and the knights when she could easily have conspired against him and so have won back her old life. Of course it would never be the same as it was, yet it would be closer to it than this was where she clearly still felt that she was something of an outsider.

He was tempted to draw her attention to it, but decided that discretion was the better part of valour as far as this was concerned. They had discussed dance before and how he had a better understanding of some of the issues involved. Certainly her pregnancy would interfere with her ability to practice, never mind perform, yet surely dancers always had this problem and some of them must have children. But perhaps not. It wasn't something that he wished to argue over and instead accepted her points without contradiction.

The knights were a problem, and one that would be difficult to overcome. He decided to allow the problem to sit in the back of his mind to see if a solution could be achieved. Certainly she was right they would not be happy that their daughter had been taken captive, even though they would be happy that she was still alive.

Instead he took advantage of the new closeness to her and kissed her softly on the lips before pulling back just enough to speak.

"What name call child? Boy or girl?"

[Taylani]

Her thoughts threatened to grow dark with the thought of how close she had been to being able to at least see her mother once more, to be held and comforted. She knew that path was a dangerous one to go down if she did not want to rekindle the resentment newly forced aside. His lips against hers helped to break the mood though, bringing her back to the present once more. Her blue eyes searched his face when he spoke, for a long moment watching for signs of his thoughts.

"I haven't taken a moment to think on a name yet." It is true that most girls spend at least some part of their childhood daydreaming about husbands and children. Some of her friends had had names for twelve children already picked out, as if anyone of them would have been able to feed so many let alone bear them. Taylani was not too much different, she had had spare moments of wondering about husbands and children but her ambitions even at an early age was the stage. All else, even thoughts of her own family were always a back burner for her. To be a dancer that she had wanted to be demanded sacrifices. Sacrifices of the body, as the healer Irea and even Waisana before she had become pregnant had worried over, but also sacrifices of the time and dedication that one can not do if one was to be any kind of a mother.

"Since they will be here, in Endrykas and not in Syliras, they should have a name that reflects the Drykas." Some cultures named their children in specific fashions, even as sheltered as she had been she knew that much. Though her time in Endrykas, she didn't think that their names were all that different from Syliras. " Is there a specific style of names that your people use? I know that there are some that I swear used to be called one thing, but now they have a completely new name."

Laying there in his arms, discussing something so normal as what to name their child, Taylani could almost pretend that it was a normal situation. She was grateful for that sense of normalcy, that at least one thing seemed not too out of place. Of course the normalcy came with the price of shutting out her mind to everything that wasn't focused on him and his words. To help keep the thoughts at bay, Taylani raises a hand to lay against his jaw, throat, and her fingers allowed to brush against the dampness of his black hair. "Is there a preference for the first born for the Drykas? Men in Sylirasl, they seem unusually puffed with pride when it is a boy."

[Fallan Windchaser]

It was true enough, he considered, that the names would be easier on the children if they were Drykas, yet it was perhaps less important than it was in other places.

He smiled at her, his eyes inspecting her face as though this were the first time that he had seen it for all that the curves were intimately familiar. "Names different here yes, I think. Name given when child born, but name not always for life. Name can change, yes, Tay right. Sometimes life make new turn, like Tay become Drykas. Then sometimes choose new name, put old name away with old life." He shrugged. "Choice of person, not forced," he added in case she thought he was suggesting that for her.

"Fallan think names much same as Syrila. In Windchaser family, name often from parents. So Surdar, Haylar, Skylar," he laughed "not Fallan."

"No preference boy, girl, all precious." He considered the question a little more deeply, but declined to tell her that boys were welcomed and hoped for more by some, but only because more boys died before becoming men.

[Taylani]

The way his mouth curved when he smiled, the gentle movement felt beneath her palm, shook Taylani just a little. The realization that had circumstances been different, if she had of been able to choose who she would be given, she might very well have chosen this man. For all his talk of her being his slave, of threatening her with chains and rape if she did something drastic, he had been patient and kind. If there were times when she thought she saw something darker behind his eyes, the darkness never manifested though there had been ample opportunity.

"I understand..." She says with just a little bit of wonder in her voice, for she did understand his explanation on the changing of names. It is not something that she had ever heard of before, and indeed the thought of learning to answer to a whole new name was daunting. However it made sense to her, almost like packing up little memento's from a time in one's life to be reflected upon but not to be relived. To move on. It gave her something to think about certainly.

"Why did they not name you in like fashion?" Taylani was beginning to realize that she did not know much about him, his past at all. Only little bits here and there gleaned from occasional conversations. She avoided his family whenever possible, intimidated by them mostly so she did not have their stories or recollections to paint a picture of what made Fallan who he was today. "Or did you have a name like that ..and changed it?"

Warmer now, Taylani stretched gently, tested her ankle with a little roll of her foot. The stabbing pain was less now, probably because she was not taxing it. She knew her body was going to be sore on the morrow, already the soreness in her thighs and lower back from the ride was complaining at her abuse of her body. Yet she still felt..better..then she had in a very long time. Almost like she could finally breath again. "Perhaps then, we can name a boy Aidan, a girl could be called Faidan. Both having the -an...like their father?"

[Fallan Windchaser]

She was perceptive, he had to give her that, and she had asked for an answer that he would never have thought to give her, a piece of his past that had been tidied up and put aside. There was a temptation to avoid the truth, but given who she was, the mother of his child, a woman who lived in a pavilion full of family who knew the truth, that temptation was easily suppressed.

"Tay guess well," he replied softly with a tilt of his head, his smile now somewhat rueful. "Fallan not always Fallan. Name after Adetse." He wondered how much Tay had noticed the tension that existed between Fallan and his mother, whether she ever wondered why Fallan had spent so much time in Syrila away from his family when the Drykas were so tight knit.

"Chose new name when became Drykas," he said waving his hand at the windmarks which were tattooed on his arm, forgetting that she might not yet know the significance. He assumed that she knew much given how long she had now been with him and he knew that she had talked with other Drykas but he forgot to remember to ask at times like this.

He considered the names that she had suggested and kissed her once more, this time his lips soft and lingering on hers. He still wasn't sure how he should react to this knowledge that they had a child, or perhaps the gods willing would have.

"Not want name girl after Tays mother?" She had heritage as well as he did, and he did not wish her to forget it for all that it seemed difficult to see how they could ever be part of the family.

[Taylani]

Taylani listened in silence, one auburn brow raising over a blue eye at his response of who he was named after. She was tempted to ask him what his name had been, she had always knew him as Fallan and to think of him with another name was odd. But he didn't offer, so she didn't ask, though her expression might have suggested a curiosity. She was beginning to understand the need to bury the past, even if the past was a happy time. Sometimes the happiest past can cloud the brightest future if one allowed it to, and something in the way he smiled seemed to Taylani to speak of a not so happy past.

Her fingers slide from the side of his neck down over his shoulder, to trace his wind marks. She knew them as tattoos, she wasn't sure what their name was, and only very vaguely aware of the significance to the Drykas. She knew, from her conversations with Rue and others, that they are given to Drykas once they bond with their strider. "That's an important day for Drykas." It was more of a statement then a question. "How does it happen? Is there a certain age or day that something happens, that you get a h-strider?"

She wasn't sure if he could explain it, but she had committed to staying here, She couldn't raise or support this child on her own, and she would not leave them here with him. Best that she stopped trying to stop the culture from coloring her, best to start really learning it.

When he kisses her once more, she allowed herself to return the kiss, her fingers that had been tracing the lines on his arm tighten against him. Her breath left her in a soft sigh, her eyes fluttered shut at his suggestion. Taylani's lips curved in a small sad smile, "Angelia would be a pretty name yes. But I think it would be too painful to have a daughter named that, at least for now." Her eyes open again, meeting his grey eyes, determination setting her features for the briefest of moments in a hard edge before she smiles that softened her features once more. "I can't have ties still. Not to my family, not to Syliras. Not right now, not if I want to be..satisfied here. Perhaps in the future."

[Fallan Windchaser]

Her question made him smile and in due course he answered it. "Big day for Drykas," he agreed and mused where to start.

"People born Drykas, like Fallan, become Drykas, like Tay," this made him smile. "Not sure how explain. Striders have Drykas souls. Striders choose people, come, be with them. No one know why, know when. One day it happen. Not with young child."

He considered the next part carefully, his brow creasing into a frown, for these things were those that were known, like the wind, the reasons behind them were not ones that he spent much time considering. "I think it web. Said earlier, some Drykas souls remain in web, some reborn from web in people or Strider. Strider always connected web. Drykas connected to web, like Tay. I think Striders feel us in web. Strider choose us, follow web to us." No one he knew, knew or would admit to knowing why they chose who they did or when they did. He put his mind aside from those who remained unchosen.

"Strider choose you, big day. Get" 'windmarks' he said, using the Pavi word. "Some choose new name, mark new life."

Her decisions regarding her parents he left unremarked, accepting her decision as the right one for the moment and he could see that it was still too raw a decision to be picking at it. Perhaps when it was healed then a new discussion could happen. His thoughts inevitably turned towards his desire for her, stronger than ever and he knew that another kiss might well break his resolve to talk so he settled for running his hands lightly down her still clothed back.