Closed Troublesome Secrets

[Taylani]

She listens in silence as he explains, she was still uncomfortable with the idea that there was this hidden unseen thing that she was tied to. She imagined it wasn't much difference then being under the watchful eyes of the knighthood, but she could see the knights, she understood the knights. "What happens if one is never chosen, or if one's strider dies?" Taylani is not sure what the average lifespan was of a normal horse, let alone that of a strider.

His hands on her back sent a shiver through her that was unrelated to any chill, even through the thin layers of her shift and blouse Taylani could feel the warmth of his hand. It was at once both soothing and stirring, but there was one more request that she wanted to make. This one would be the one that tested his words on her not being owned, and might even test her own resolve.

"I want my own bedroll Fallan." Once more she levers herself up, so that she could get a clearer picture on his reactions to her words, but also so that he could get a clear view on her own expressions. Hoping that he can see this request was not coming from a dark or hate-filled place. "If I am truly not your slave, then...then I can say no to you. I am already carrying your child, so this won't delay in that." She pauses, to gather her thoughts as well as try and gauge his reaction. She tries to keep her words simple, wanting him to understand where she was coming from on this.

"Before you, I had never lay with a man. With you..." Her words grew quieter still, but she continued on though her voice was husky. "With you it was coerced, and I was given no choice. I would like that choice back, to have the opportunity to choose to give myself to you." Her eyes drop once more, her hand had risen to splay her fingers against his chest, feeling his warmth beneath her palm, the steady beat of his heart. "It might seem silly to you."

[Fallan Windchaser]

He supposed that the question was inevitable and he silently cursed his own poor choice of words that ever raised the point in the first place. Neither however was there any avoiding of it. "Depends. Sometimes right Strider not yet born. Some people liked by many strider. Strider dies, friend dies, new friend comes. Some people only match one strider heart. Strider see Drykas soul no Drykas see. Hard understand heart of strider."

He had avoided answering some of her question for it occurred to him properly only now that the conversation might well lead back to Tay and her status as a Drykas and that his words could have a double edge that might yet feed her insecurities.

The words that followed though were ones that too he should have foreseen and the irony of it cut deep. Had he kept her as a slave, few in the camp would have questioned him on it and never would this possibility have arisen. But then it might have been too difficult to rein in the darkness inside.

His breathing slowed as the meaning of her words penetrated, slowing almost to a halt before it started again, his eyes searching her face whilst his heart turned to ice, his hand dropped back to his side as she pushed herself up.

His leniency and his wish to have her choose to stay with him had led to this as inevitably as it was that the storm which had raged around them would come. Allowing her freedom allowed her choice. They had struck a bargain, but the terms were simple and said nothing of her being with him, a detail he had somehow overlooked in the negotiation, not looking ahead clearly enough.

Was it too late to turn back? Too late to change the relationship back to slave and to abandon all that they had done? To wrap his hand deep in her hair, to... No, he closed that thought before it had time to more than generate the first images of the fear and pain in her eyes. He locked his emotions away, closing down the confidence and the assumptions as well as he closed his heart and raised the shield in his mind against the choices she might now make.

"Taylani have right," he acknowledged, his voice slightly wooden. "Right to bed, right to choose." Now she started to realise her own power and it marked an ending between them and the start perhaps of something new.

[Taylani]

Taylani might have pressed on with her questions on striders and Drykas, considering striders were so important in Drykas lifestyle it would be prudent for her to learn as much as she could. However his reaction to her request forestalled all thought on that topic, and her brows furrow as she watched the expression go from open to closed. Perhaps he did not understand the vast control that he had over her if he had control over her body. Perhaps he did not understand that her enjoyment was curtailed by the notion that she couldn't refuse. It wasn't a choice to not be with him, simply the acknowledgement that she once more controlled her own body.

Her lips part to speak, not liking the coldness in his gaze, but he spoke first and the stiffness of his voice pained her more then she had thought it would. Why did she care that she seemed to have hurt him in some way? She didn't know, only that the pain that stabbed in her heart at the tones in his voice was there, and cut into the happiness that spiked to hear him acknowledge that it was her choice. To release her from that last chain of slavery.

A single tear, one of relief slips out from between the lid of her eye to course its way down her cheek but it was the only one. The hand that rested on his chest moved up to cup his cheek, her thumb brushing across his lips even as she smiled and spoke the words in Pavi that he had taught her..without the gestures. "Thank you."

With those words said she leans forward, her eyes still locked onto his before she places a kiss against his lips, gently feathering her lips against his before pulling back a little, returning to common. "That is all I needed to hear. I think I will stay here."

[Fallan Windchaser]

His breathing remained controlled as she spoke, but relaxed a little as she declared that she would stay. It pleased him, but still they were now in a completely new relationship, one caused by her decision to flee, and what had he done in response? He had lightened his touch on the rein and now they were running free.

"Good," he smiled faintly, though more from habit at her caress than as a result of a change in mood as the walls around his mind remained firmly in place.

Now they were in uncharted grass and there were no webs to guide him in his next actions. He couldn't even formulate a question to ask her in case the answer was one that he did not like. The transfer of power away from him was disconcerting even if understood that it was necessary for any hope of a longer term relationship.

[Taylani]

Now it was Taylani's turn to wonder at his mood, never had she seen him reserved as he was now. Always before he was self-assured and confident, now he seemed almost pensive. She didn't understand, and she rewound her words in her mind unable to find the word that had caused him to tighten. She wanted to ask, but didn't have the words, didn't know how to ask him. So she opts to change the subject, back to what they had been talking about before his shut down.

"You were named after Adetse?" She spoke rather then really asked, since that is what he had just told her. "Is it proper to ask what your name was? Or is that considered ..rude?" She settled back against him, awkwardly trying to get back what was lost, the easy breathing and just being. She found herself in over her head once again, in her endeavors to try and cement her freedom within this new life she had apparently did something wrong. And once more, in response to her confusion and worry over what she did, her anger sparked in her but she kept it tamped down trying to ignore the flare within her.

"Why did you choose the name Fallan...it doesn't sound like either of your parent's names.." She spoke more to fill the void, in the room, to fill the silence.

[Fallan Windchaser]

The change of subject took some of the pressure off, but it was going to be hard to get back to where they were before. In his mind there was now a gulf of uncertainty and one that he wasn't even sure that he wanted to attempt to cross. She had pulled away from him, taken herself out of his grasp and he could not get that thought out of his head.

"Sometimes not easy ask. Here?, he gestured at the pavlion around them. "All know, here, hard keep secret. Name was Aderjan. He smiled a little, "Not so different. Not sure why Fallan, seemed right in mind at time. Only now did he wonder if it had been a good thing, to spurn his mother like that, but at least he had not taken a name after his father which might have been more natural. Mistakes were made in the rashness of youth and allowance ought to be made for that by those who knew better, and best if those were laid to rest by all concerned.

She was close to him now and that was comforting when she could be gone to a new place, and it would be hard when she did that, as she would sooner or later, he was sure. He was torn by indecision now for the reminder that she was free to choose now resounded in his head. Before he had done what he wanted, when he wanted. Now that was curtailed and he wasn't entirely sure now what was acceptable and when it would be alright to reach over and pull her closer.

[Taylani]

The tension was apparent, she felt it keenly, so keenly that she almost didn't really register the answer he gives. She was unsure what was the cause of the tension though. Taylani turns her head, to look at Fallan pensively, her lower lip chewed. She knew it happened when she had wanted to ensure herself that she was truly no longer his slave. She just was not sure why that seemed to bother him. Could he not handle her being on equal footing with him? Did he need the idea that she couldn't refuse him due to the necessary pregnancies somehow? On top of that thought came thought that should she want him to handle the fact that she could refuse.

How normal was it that she did want his arms around her, she finally got what she wanted somewhat. Freedom to choose, and ... here she lays next to him feeling the distance between them widening and instead of rejoicing, she is worrying. Should she speak, or simply roll over to go to sleep? Should she try and cross the gap herself, or should she leave well enough alone. Someone once told her she thought too much, that she didn't rely on her gut and often thought herself out of things. Why would it be wrong to seek to comfort him, to gain comfort from him. It is not as if he didn't already know her body inside and out, it was silly that they were laying here feeling as if they were first time lovers.

Taylani rolled to her side, hesitated only for a second before she slips closer to him, hoping to duck under his arm and fit herself against him once again. If he pulled away she wouldn't fight him, but she did want to settle against him again. "Did I say something wrong Fallan? Does it bother you that I have the option to tell you no occasionally?" Her words were mildly accusatory but her tones she kept at an even level.

[Fallan Windchaser]

Even those moments had given Fallan some time to think and to come to terms just a little with the changes. The insecurity now started to amuse him though he still wasn't entirely sure just what his feelings were. He knew that it wouldn't be something that would resolve itself in this discussion or even in this night or the day that followed.

He did know that it had changed, and now he dug slightly into that in his mind, not having the time to rationalise but instead to just explore the gut feeling that had crept upon him.

He accepted her touch gladly and did not shrink away. He noted her words but did not judge on them, accepting that she likely had noticed the change in him.

"Not wrong. Not easy explain." Could he even explain it to himself at this point? He wasn't sure that he could and he wasn't sure of himself. Before if he wanted to sleep with her then he could and would. Now she could say no, and whilst he understood that with his mind there was a niggle of concern as to how he might react to that. What if he wanted to anyway? It would destroy the trust that he had carefully cultivated if he were to use force and that was a difficult subject to broach and not one he wished to discuss just yet, if ever, with her.

"Choice not easy Fallan think. Change things. Tay must choose yes not just no sometimes. Change Tay and Fallan. Start again."

It seemed such a simple thing, allowing her to understand that she could say no, that she could have always said no, that he had deliberately misled her and now it threatened to undermine everything. He couldn't predict where this would lead and now his dreams were in tatters, their very foundations undermined, washed away like sand in a thunderstorm. It was his own fault he knew.

"Bother yes. No. Fallan not sure. Not bother say no, bother when leave Fallan." It seemed the closest to the truth that he could find a way of putting into words.

[Taylani]

She could sense his internal struggle, and she was patient as he tried to explain. Taylani almost laughed a little at the absurdity of the situation, after having tried to escape him she found herself trying to worm her way back into his arms. It was ludicrous and all together alarming, but there it was, plain and simple.

She recognized the insecurity in his words, recognized her own feelings within them as well. Their relationship such as it was, was a complicated one. Complicated by her feeling violated when he had touched her simply because of the lack of choice, complicated by her own disturbing reactions to him even now when he had given back her choice. Complicated for the fact that even now a niggling voice in her head told her that she wanted to go back to when she didn't have the choice, when he was in control and took the lead.

As she lay there, the whole excuse of not having a choice was gone, and she must face her thoughts and feelings head on. Having a choice was not as liberating as she had thought it would be, because of her body's desire for him. It hit her suddenly, Fallan was afraid that she was going to reject him.

"Having a choice does not always mean always no." Taylani began the complicated explanation slowly piecing together words carefully. "I didn't necessarily want the chance to say no really. I just wanted the opportunity to say yes." As she spoke, she was forced to examine her own feelings, feelings that she had been ashamed of, frightened of. Her fingers idly moved over his chest, drawing random patterns against his flesh with the tip of her fingers. She was vaguely aware of it, but mostly it was an unconscious touch as she tried to frame her words.

"This is not just new for you, this is new for me. Always had to fight myself when I was with you. Had to fight the enjoyment, had to fight the pleasure..had to fight the comfort. Always a fight. Now, maybe not so much a fight. That was all that I wanted." The next issue was not as easy to speak of. She had already told him that she could never go back to Syliras, not without her child and she knew that he would never agree to let her keep the child there. And she didn't really want to separate him from his child either, she grew up with a mother and father, and she wanted the same for her child. Not to mention that she didn't have skills to support her child by herself, not with what she had chosen to do with her life before.

She was still firmly trapped here, but now by his child rather then by him. "I am not leaving Fallan. At least not until you find a nice Drykas woman you want to settle down with." The last was said with a decided pang in her heart, which she wrote off as a by product of knowing she was a means to an end but she was not willing to dwell on that.

[Fallan Windchaser]

He listened carefully to her words, not that he didn't normally, but he sensed that this conversation was not just one of the most difficult that they had had but also it was one of the most important. In some ways it laid the groundwork for the rest of their relationship.

He nodded at the distinction that she made, it was something that he had said in a different way but it made much more sense in the way that she said it, for it was true that she had never had the chance or the reason to do so, instead they had fallen into a particular rut which she had never had the inclination to help lever them out of for she had never had an investment in the relationship beyond what was necessary.

Perhaps it was the prospect of a child that made the difference, but it seemed that many things had changed in his life recently. His changes had not been so dramatic as Tays but it seemed to him that they were of a comparable level for both now where on a completely new path where neither of them knew the what was safe and what was not. It still didn't make them equal in that for Fallan still had his family and his people to call upon, still had the familiarity of his surroundings but he did not appreciate that so much.

Her final words though, they made him smile warmly. "True, Fallan need nice Drykas woman, settle down with child." He knew that she would misinterpret it and it was something that he had considered in the past season for there were several women who he was attracted to. But it was also true that he didn't know them, and a pretty face and red hair did not a match make.

So he took her in his arms instead and held her close. "Fallan have nice Drykas woman, settle down with child." The words were almost the same, but the meaning was very different.

Suddenly all of the pent up emotions of the night and morning, all of the worry, all of the danger in racing around in the rain with the lightening crashing down, the relief, the anger in finding her. The suppression of all of that to bring her back, his outburst at the healer and the chiding of his father, combined with the fear and pain of losing her now all came crashing back and he pulled her into a kiss.

"Tay talk too much. Tay need say yes."