Completed Calls Me Home (Jorin Ertihan)

[Rinya]

Day 75, Season Fall, 513 AV

Breathe in deep. Hold. Rinya reflexively repeated in her head over and over again. Rebuilding endurance to her muscles took a whole lot longer than it did to lose it. And under normal circumstances she would have been out here every day working those muscles back to fit shape after her accident. It was deeply ingrained in her from her father that being weak in the weapon was as good as death—and really in some ways he was very right about that. But where usually her love of her bow would have ensured she was out here ‘repairing’ the damage done, she had other things on her mind. A lot of other things.

She had thought summer had been a season of change for her. Everything had been out of her comfort zone. A new home, a first job… not to mention the meeting of a first friend, her second bondemate, her first kiss, and her first real injury. It seemed highly unlikely that fall was going to turn her world anymore upside down than it was during the summer. She had thought fall would be a time to get used to the changes in her life before pressing forward. But no—that had most certainly not happened. And she wasn’t bound to complain over it either. The fall had brought her even more surprises, and left her thoroughly pleased with the turn of events in her life. But in some ways being around Jorin made her—soft.

Compared to the girl her father raised—never to trust anyone, to avoid bonding at all costs, and never depend on someone—she landed straight into the arms of a boy. Or rather a man. But he was something her father would have hated. Far too gentle and giving, and certainly no fighter. In her father’s mind Jorin had nothing to offer her—at one time Jorin even believed the same. But in reality Jorin was exactly what she needed. She didn’t need to be hard and guarded all the time. The soft side he brought out of her didn’t ruin her. It transferred her from one state of being to the next. She was no longer surviving. She was living. She was entirely too happy around him, enjoying the newly found teasing banter they could now share together. The only problem with that was Rinya would have preferred to spend all her free time with Jorin instead of practicing with her bow. One love overshadowed another.

So as Jorin had left for work that morning she actually sucked up the courage to step out into the chilly fall air and made her way to the Stained Pelt as soon as light allowed. The whole walk there, she repeated the first set of runes Jorin had taught her to fulfill her repetition. One finger hanging in the air as she tried to draw the runes through the air. They were choppy of course, and difficult to remember by now. But she was quite certain she at least had them in the right order. Luckily she didn’t spot anyone on the way to the archery range—she didn’t exactly want to explain just what she was doing.

It left her exactly here, breathing deep and holding the drawstring back. An arrow knocked between her fingertips as she studied the target in the distance. While she could count, Rinya honestly didn’t know the distance between her and the target, but it was more than enough to give her a challenge. The fletching tickled her mouth as she held the bow steady as she possibly could. She wasn’t even sure how long she stood there, just taking in the aim of the target. Then before she released the arrow, she tipped the bow upwards just slightly. With the release of her breath, the arrow slipped free from the bowstring and sailed in a small arc across the field and hit the target with a dulled thud.

It most certainly wasn’t a bull eye’s. But compared to her other trainings recently it was by far the closest. The tip of her arrow had grazed that taunting center dot, but she was far more pleased by this development than she would let on. The muscles in her arms were holding the weight of the bow better, the shakes from the straining had died down. She had once gotten a—lucky—hit on a Glassbeak, in the dark. The target had been much smaller, but she knew it would just be a matter of progress from here. Perhaps her skill would even improve. So she reached behind her to pull another arrow from the quiver.

Rinya knew how important aim was. If one didn’t aim, then you couldn’t hit the target. But if you took too long to aim—especially if the target was moving—the greater the chance of losing it altogether. Nocking the arrow back into the bowstring, Rinya pulled back slowly, letting her eye catch the center of the target again. Just a little more to the right and she could easily land this shot perfectly. Breathe in. Hold. But she was so startled by the pure shock that rang through her body out of the blue, that she released the arrow and it sailed right past the target completely.

Rinya was used to a fairly quite bond when they were separated. All the usual feelings seemed to flow continuously as they unintentionally projected their feelings to the other. She was sure with practice she could learn not to flood her emotions across the bond—it was a natural sort of thing for her. Hiding her emotions on the surface but feeling them rage under her skin. Even softer more tender emotions were easily translated through the bond between them. It was natural for her now however. Unlike Nickolas where she had to concentrate to send him emotions—or to receive them for that matter—her bond to Jorin was completely different. And she was much happier for it.

But this shock across the bond was not something that usually came from him. It was not a happy kind of shock either. It rang with disbelief and even traces of pain. Frowning, she wandered to the target to fetch her two arrows and slid them both back into her quiver. As the shock was slowly starting to fade, Rinya could feel the underlying emotions beneath it. There was still mild disbelief, but there was something that worried Rinya more than anything. The sharp draw of pain and another emotion, one that was harder to identify, but if she had to label it she supposed depression would have certainly been a good word for it. Sadness, pain, loss…

It was nearly an overwhelming mix at that. For several chimes she stood next to the target, trying to glean what could have caused him this sort of reaction. But Rinya knew better. The bond did not work like that. If she wanted to know what happened she would have to follow that ever present draw to Jorin. The one he unconsciously called her with all the time for the simple fact he wanted to be around her as much as she did him. So she began to pick her way towards the Amphitheater. Only, as she tried to follow it—he wasn’t at the Amphitheater anymore. The longer she walked the more she realized he was moving. She couldn’t stop the sense of dread from settling in her stomach.

Something bad must have happened. No doubt about it—though she couldn’t guess at what. But when she found herself heading towards the condos she didn’t have to guess where Jorin had gone. Rinya knew for certain now that he had gone home. As she made her way to their door she pulled her bow and quiver from her back—almost frightened to open the door. These were not emotions that came from Jorin—ever. Without a doubt he needed her, or perhaps she needed to be there for him. It didn’t really matter. Opening the front door slowly, she placed her equipment next to the door and closed it behind her.

Jorin was nowhere in sight, but he was most certainly here. All her instincts told her so. Without hesitation she made her way slowly to their bedroom and peeked her head through the door. He was there, sitting at his desk with his head down. Rinya could feel her voice literally die in the back of her throat. He even looked terrible, though physically she could not make out any sort of injury. So why wasn’t he at work? Rinya felt stuck in the doorway. She had no idea how to go to him—she couldn’t even get a word out. But not going to him seemed like a worse idea than just standing at the door frame just watching him. Approaching him silently, she glanced over his shoulder at the book he was reading—one of his poem books by the look of it. She didn’t say a word; just let her hands rest on both side of the desk behind her and hefted herself up to sit on the edge of it, her feet dangling in the air.

[Jorin Ertihan]

Season of Fall, Day 75, 513 AV

The day had started off so well, too.

It wasn't that Jorin didn't expect craziness at the Amphitheater. After having worked there for nearly two seasons now, Jorin had basically come to expect craziness from the place. It was part and parcel of how the job was and while he was often exasperated by the hijinks that often occurred, that didn't mean he didn't appreciate the levity that usually followed any of the mini 'crises' that inevitably cropped up over the course of a normal day.

Unfortunately, this day was anything but a normal day. Jorin should have known something was wrong the moment he walked into the Amphitheater was was not immediately greeted by cheerful hellos. People avoided his eyes whenever possible and he was beginning to become worried that he might have said or done something to offend someone. Or a lot of someones.

The day continued in a similar fashion as Jorin got up onto the stage to practice his lines for the next play. It was slow going, honestly: he found himself more than once looking over to his fellow actors who while not necessarily shifting nervously were nonetheless acting somewhat uncharacteristically distant. Jorin tried to shake it off; he did not know what was wrong and did not wish to make any assumptions, but something was clearly wrong.

The lines he was to rehearse were simple. Just a series of three verses, meant to be spoken in stage whisper, as the character was supposed to be nervous and terrified. The stage was often a place where emotions were amplified. It was difficult to portray subtleties of emotion when the audience is seated so far away, so most often the performers would compensate by emoting much more than is strictly required, in order to get the point across.

Jorin was not necessarily a big fan of this strategy; he felt that an actor should portray as much emotion as the scene called for and no more, but still he could see the value in such a strategy, so he put as much terror into his voice as possible as he strained to do this while maintaining a stage whisper. It was not easy since whispering often robbed a voice of much of the tonality that spoke of emotion, so he had to compensate with body language.

Jorin made sure to hunch his shoulders, and glance nervously from side to side, while keeping his eyes wide and throwing in a tremble from time to time. He was wondering whether perhaps he was overplaying the part slightly; the part did not call for this level of emoting but he wanted to get the point across and felt the stage whisper would be too limited a format to do it without some additional 'help'.

The practice was cut short, however, when the stage master strode up onto the raised platform where the actors were. Jorin had noticed the man seemed to get more and more short with him, finding fault in every single thing he did with an exacting diligence that Jorin was frankly beginning to find both highly irritating and very odd. Something had changed to cause him to behave this way; he wasn't like this during the nearly two seasons he'd worked at the Amphitheater.

This time, though, the man looked like he was on a mission, forging past the other actors and gripping a paper in his hand so hard he was crinkling the delicate page. "Would you care to explain this, Jorin?" he growled. Jorin's brow shot up and he looked at the man with genuine confusion.

"Explain what?" he asked, but that just seemed to infuriate the man more.

"Don't play dumb with me!" the man snarled as he shoved the paper into Jorin's chest. Jorin glanced down at the inventory list, scanning the various items that had been marked down. Jorin was somewhat familiar with mathematics; it was why he was chosen as the inventory manager in the first place despite never wanting the job.

"This is the third time you've ruined the inventory count, Jorin," the man continued, and Jorin's surprise grew. Third time? This was the first time Jorin was hearing about this. What did he mean this was the third time? But he didn't give Jorin any time to reply as he snatched the paper back from him before Jorin could run down the numbers in his head again.

"Jorin, you've cost this Amphitheater far more than just Mizas. With your lackadaisical attitude, we can no longer use you as an actor here. I would kindly like you to gather your things and leave."

The dismissal was as sudden as it was unexpected. There was a general murmur among the other actors, and Jorin could hear their surprise and shock above the sound of rushing blood in his own ears. His entire head felt light, as though he'd stood up too quickly, and he felt his heart pounding in his chest. This was not something he ever expected to feel again. Not after the Thespians. And the whispering turned toward one question. "Could he do that?" The answer was obvious, of course. He just did.

If Jorin had been more rational he'd have realized that what he was feeling right now, the shock, the disbelief, would be felt by his bondmate as well. There was no way Rinya couldn't feel the surge of emotion that came with this termination of his employment. And what was worse was that it came almost out of the blue. Sure there had been small hints here and there that the stage master had been upset but he never thought...

Jorin gulped and nodded, his throat suddenly dry as he quietly walked down from the stage. Years of acting experience allowing him to school his face from one of shock to a neutral expression as he strode toward his belongings, picking them up with a heavy heart as he took one last backward glance at what had been his life for the last few seasons.

As Jorin walked out of the Amphitheater, he couldn't help but look back at it every few chimes, as though the structure itself might disappear. Was this the end of his acting career? He desperately hoped it wasn't. But for the time being he didn't know what else to do, where else to go. And in the back of his mind he couldn't help thinking one thing. "What am I going to tell Rinya?"

All the way back to their condo, Jorin stewed over what he was going to tell his mate. She would understand, he was sure she would, but still his own stubborn pride wanted him to find a way to say it that did not make him sound like a loser. A failed actor who now twice was kicked from his troupe. At least this time, unlike before, he had her there as an anchor. A woman he knew would love him regardless of circumstance.

But that did not stop the crushing depression in his heart. Nor did it prevent the ruinous thoughts in his head, going over and over the events of the last few days. The last few weeks. The last few seasons. Coming up with every single thing he might have done wrong, examining it from every angle, looking at it and wondering, "Was this what caused it?" Blaming himself for not trying harder, for not seeing. How could he not have seen this coming?

When he entered the condo Jorin barely noticed putting his things away. He wandered almost in a daze to the bedroom he shared with Rinya, and was tempted to just lie across their bed. Maybe it was all a bad dream and he'd wake up tomorrow and it would all go away, but with a snort he knew that to be a complete falsehood. He never had such luck. But the entire day felt unreal, like a dream he was watching through someone else's eyes.

He took out one of his poetry books and stared at one of the pages for Wysar knew how long. Had it been ticks? Chimes? Bells even? He couldn't tell, but he wasn't actually reading the page, just staring at it as though the words he'd written had answers to his current predicament. But as he stared he felt a presence settle in near him and he looked up to see Rinya seated on the corner of the desk.

Rinya... Jorin could feel a swell of love for his mate. She was always on his side, no matter what, and despite his dark depression he gave her a weak smile, doing his best to be happy to see her. He was happy to see her, but even her presence could not banish the depression eating away at him.

"Hello, Rinya," he greeted her, voice strained with forced cheer. "I..." Jorin wasn't sure how to continue. How could he say it? How could he explain it? Jorin absently reached out to take RInya's hand, deriving enormous comfort from the physical contact. Nonetheless his mind swirled, and the emotions washed across the bond like tidal waves.

[Rinya]

Day 75, Season Fall 513 AV

By the simple sight of him, physically her mate was fine. She had only been able to see his back before, but even from this new angle there was nothing visible to tell her otherwise. So the pain overwhelming their bond was most certainly not physical. When she had decided to simply sit next to him on the desk she hadn’t honestly thought he would notice her presence right away. He had seemed so acutely focused on the book before him. But almost immediately he looked up at her and Rinya felt her heart clench painfully. He looked so… lost.

Even with the swell of love she felt from him, it was hard to focus on it with his emotions tugging him so far down. Though she was glad she had made the correct decision to come to him. Then again it was given that she would have no matter what, even if he wasn’t feeling half as strongly as he was right now. Any sort of negative emotion from him set her on edge. Sure there was the occasional stress, or flare of anger. This sort of depression was not normal. Rinya depended on him to be the resilient of the two of them. The sure one, the positive thinker.

But whatever was bothering him, Rinya knew one thing. He was likely blaming himself for it. With no idea what had happened at all, she didn’t even know if there was somewhere to begin. Rinya was completely terrible at soothing someone—even her mate in her own opinion. Jorin just usually drew what he could from her presence. Judging by the strained smile on his face as he looked at her, not even that was going to help right now. The tinge of happiness was lost by the forced feeling of it. She would have scolded him that he didn’t have to try to be happy, but that was the last thing he needed.

The sound of his voice nearly caused her to wince on top of it all. He couldn’t even finish a sentence before he seemed to lose his words altogether. That was something that was commonly left for her. Whatever had happened in the few short bells must have certainly been severe. He reached for her hand and she held it out to him willingly. But the touch alone didn’t seem enough to make him focus. He just continued to be dazed and distraught and Rinya decided she was going to have to be the one to speak first—she was lucky her mate understood how bad she was with words.

”Jorin… you went to work.” She was stating the obvious and she knew it. But unfortunately she had no idea where else to start. So reaching over, she closed the book in front of him and tossed it lightly onto the rest of his books. Carefully, she slid across the desk until she was sitting directly in front of him, crossing her ankles and reaching forward with her free hand until she could rest it gently against his cheek. ”You can choose to tell me Jorin, regardless of what happened. But if you would prefer I can just sit here with you.” Rinya knew with time he would eventually tell her what happened, but she also understood that pushing was not always the best choice.

Stroking the side of his face lightly, Rinya tried to settle her own emotions as she dealt with the onslaught of his. All she really wanted to do was pace the room, and twist her fingers around in her own nervous habit. She was worried for him, and that was truly the last thing he needed on top of all this. He was so solid for her when she had a nightmare, being reduced to a crying mess that could only cling to him until she could come to terms that everything was alright. She wanted to do that for him. So she tried to ignore the prominent feelings of depression and sorrow to solely focus on her love for him. Letting it swell and flow. ”I love you…” Rinya murmured softly.

He always said it to her when she needed to hear it. It was the only other step she could think of. And it was of course completely true.

[Jorin Ertihan]

Season of Fall, Day 75, 513 AV

For the longest time Jorin just stared blankly at Rinya. Through Rinya. But then he noticed that her hand was stroking his cheek, and that she was now seated right in front of him and telling him that he could take his time telling her what had happened. He was grateful for that... he wasn't sure where to begin and needed to organize his scattered thoughts into some semblance of order.

Right now his mind was everywhere at once, thinking about a million different things, and it wasn't fair to Rinya. It was horribly unfair to his beautiful, wonderful mate who was clearly trying her best to help him and he couldn't even concentrate on her.

Jorin took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment to try to force his disobedient mind to stop ruminating for just one tick so he could concentrate, so he could tell her what happened instead of just stewing here in front of her and making her worry about him. And he knew she would worry her heart out until he told her, because she could feel his depression and he in turn could feel her concern and worry.

He knew she was trying to push it aside, could feel her shoving it aside in favor of her love for him. Just like he was trying to shove aside the depression in favor of his love for her. When he opened his eyes, he saw her still looking at him, and she murmured "I love you..."

Jorin did his best to smile back at Rinya's words. It was clear, she didn't know what else to say. What to do, to try to help him... he suspected she didn't realize just how much her very presence was helping. He wondered if she remembered what he'd told her before, about how he had felt the last time he'd been excused from an acting troupe.

How he'd been in a strange city with no friends, no allies, how he'd thought of simply ending it all. But with her here, with her love so very clear across the bond and her worry and concern washing over him... it didn't matter what she said to him, really. The fact was that she was trying, and he could see it and feel it and that was what was truly important.

"I love you too, Rinya..." and Jorin was able to put some of his old cheer into his voice as he said it. It was a ghost of the original; an echo of his firm, confident, happy, and cheerful voice. He wasn't himself and he hated himself for it. He knew how worried Rinya was and yet he just couldn't banish the depression in him, where it lay coiled like a snake.

Jorin tried to organize his thoughts once again. Her statement of love, though designed to comfort, instead had scattered his thoughts to the wind again as he spiraled into thoughts about how she deserved a man better than an actor who had failed twice, who couldn't even hold onto a position he'd managed to keep for going on two seasons.

And if Rinya had said that she wanted to leave, that she couldn't see herself being mated to a twice-failed loser of a man then he would let her go. He would not blame her in the least for such an act... but he knew her. She'd never say that, never do that, and he needed her right now. If she were not here, he would crack.

So he could not bring himself to say those things, because he just could not imagine trying to ge through this on his own. He wasn't even sure he could; and if he failed, what next? So he clung to Rinya's presence like a drowning man to a lifeline, her love once again his anchor in the storm. Their love had brought him out of anger, and he desperately hoped it could bring him out of his depression as well.

Taking a few more deep breaths, Jorin tried again. "You're right," he nodded, "I did go to work today. It was like any other day... well, maybe not. I don't know..."

The words were as jumbled as Jorin's thoughts, crashing and colliding and mixing to produce strange new combinations. He shook his head slightly to clear it. Rinya was obviously just as confused as he was sure he'd be if he heard what he'd just said to her. "They... they kicked me out, Rinya. Didn't even give me a chance to finish rehearsals."

Jorin's voice was quiet as he looked at his hands holding Rinya's. He noticed little things about her hand, how smooth the skin was on the back of it, how she had a few small callouses on her fingers where she gripped arrows. And rather than making her less attractive, those imperfections made her more attractive in his eyes. More importantly, focusing on Rinya made it easier to forget the emotions he felt earlier that day. Not completely, but every little bit helped.

"And I couldn't help it, I kept thinking back to last season, or earlier this season, and just... what did I do wrong? How could I have not seen it coming...?" And that was what troubled Jorin most of all. It was just so sudden, and there were suspicions and theories in his head but he just didn't know. Was it just bad luck? Did he anger the stage manager somehow? Was there back-door politics going on that he was not aware of?

"I'm glad you're here, Rinya," Jorin finally stated, with genuine gratitude in his voice. No matter what he was feeling, he was glad Rinya was there. But... that still didn't change his situation. "I'm just... shocked, that's all. It all happened so fast..."

If Rinya were to press Jorin for details on what happened, he would look up at the ceiling for a few moments before answering, quietly describing the days leading up to this one. He would talk about how for some reason he could not discern, the stage manager had become extremely exacting, harping on every detail as though looking for an excuse to poke holes in what Jorin was doing.

Yet even as he described them, Jorin would try to dismiss his own observations. Perhaps it was just his imagination, he'd say. Or perhaps he was misinterpreting things. Or perhaps he'd gotten sloppy and the stage manager had every right to be upset. But then it all culminated in one final straw: the inventory mistake. Which Jorin was convinced was not his fault; he'd triple-checked that inventory, there was no way it could have been wrong; and yet it was. And Jorin would take Rinya's hand with his own, tilting his head to rest against it; a combination of exhaustion, pain, and sorrow on his face.

[Rinya]

Day 75, Season Summer, 813 AV

Rinya wished for the first time in her life that she could read minds. It was obvious to her that he was barely paying attention. He probably barely registered any words she had just said, so she did her best to sit patiently and stroke his face. Which also did wonders for her nerves. If she began to fidget she would do no good for him. Touching his skin wasn’t just for him, but for her as well. And then he moved—ever so slightly in her opinion considering the statue he just was. He pulled a long breath and closed his eyes, almost as though he was trying to even remember what he was going to say.

In some ways the bond was so incredibly helpful. Without it she wouldn’t even know he was home, or in this much pain. In other ways it hindered them. Now that they were both home, it was a terrible mix of emotions. Nearly every emotion swam through them besides some kind of anger. Or much happiness for that matter. At her simple mumbled words of love, he finally opened his beautiful green eyes. The second smile didn’t seem so forced, but it was most certainly not happy. It looked more like a grimace than a smile. She shivered slightly as he repeated the words back to her—but most certainly not out of any sort of pleasure. This was… a kind of terror that was starting to crawl up her spine.

There was barely any of her Jorin in that voice. Not that long ago they had just dealt with an unusual case of his anger that had momentarily robbed her of the Jorin she loved so dearly. This was another case of emotions she didn’t know how to deal with coming from him. But unlike before there was nothing to calm inside him. Nothing to make him happy. It was easier to bring him down from a high, than drag him up from a low point. There was no way—unless he wanted to—that she could even begin to grasp his hand to pull him out of this. And that bothered her the most. She never had to worry before about other people’s problems, much less someone she cared so much about.

Jorin finally seemed to gather himself up just enough to explain to her what happened. They had… fired him? Her face furrowed in confusion. That didn’t make any sense. When she had been there before everything seemed fine. A bit of a mess, but apparently that was natural. How did he go from second billed to fired so quickly? He mentioned how he couldn’t help it, bringing up his issues with finding his place in Riverfall having been kicked from his previous troupe. She hadn’t been with him then—actually if she remembered correctly she met him that same day. But she was right about one thing—he was beating himself up. And she had no way to console him. While she had no doubt he didn’t do anything wrong—logically there was nothing she could do to back him up.

”I wasn’t going to just leave you here alone—feeling like this.” Rinya barely muttered, her voice slightly cracking at the end. She did remember his admittance before—about wanting to end his life. The terror that had been sliding up her spine was proof she did. But she honestly wanted to believe that this alone wouldn’t drive him to it. It was the only thing she could do actually. Because if she lost that faith that he wouldn’t hurt himself… ”I’m so sorry Jorin.” She shook her head slightly and let her eyes drop down to his hands. But it as a lie for him to say that it was just shock. It was so much more than that. ”You loved that job. I know you did. Being on stage…”

Swallowing thickly, she bit her bottom lip. Reminding him that he just lost the job he loved so much wasn’t good for him. ”…Tell me more?” And being Jorin he never disappointed. But he couldn’t even look at her as he described a day that should have been like any other. There was no stopping the frown that pulled at her lips. He tried to explain to her that the stage master had lost his mental health. But being Jorin, even in his depressed state he couldn’t do anything but blame himself. Under normal circumstances she could understand his hatred towards himself. Rinya however couldn’t help but feel there was just something wrong about the whole situation, but there was no telling what.

He nuzzled his face into her hand and she took a painful breath of her own. The tell tale sign that she wanted to cry. Simply over the look on his face. And no way to remove it. It felt as though she was fighting a battle she couldn’t win. She wanted so badly to kiss him—but she had no idea if now was the right time for that sort of thing. The last thing she wanted to do was pressure him. So she leaned forward and pressed her forehead to his. Closing her eyes she wet her lips before attempting to speak. ”What do you need Jorin? I know… I can’t fix this. But I’ll do anything… to make it stop hurting so much.” Even if that was him needing time alone. Time away from her.

[Jorin Ertihan]

Season of Fall, Day 75, 513 AV

On an intellectual level Jorin knew that Rinya was doing her best. He really did. And on that level he felt terrible because she was trying her hardest to make him feel better and nothing was working. If he could have, he would have tried to cheer up - if only for her sake - and as a matter of fact her presence made the entire ordeal that much easier. Maybe she did not realize that simply having a sympathetic ear to hear the problem was comfort enough, but at the moment there wasn't much that anyone could do.

Jorin nodded at Rinya's statement that he loved his job. "Acting has always been my professional passion... ever since the day I laid eyes on the Thespians. I just... keep wondering if maybe it's me. Maybe just wanting it isn't enough, maybe I'm just not cut out for that kind of work..."

It was a toxic line of thought. And one he knew Rinya didn't like hearing, but he truly couldn't help himself. What if that was the case? What if despite his love for the art he was not suited to it? The possibility hung in the air like a thick fog. Jorin really didn't want to consider the implications of what it would mean for him if it were true. Years of practice, years of trying, for nothing?

When Rinya pressed her forehead to his Jorin sighed and tried his utmost to push the depression aside. It was... just a job. That was what he tried to tell his heart but it revolted against the statement, like a piece of bad meat. It wasn't 'just' a job and both RInya and he knew it. Sure, if he tried hard enough, he could probably find gainful employment as some form of busker in the White Crane; the Akalak over at the employment office had even suggested it when he first applied for work there.

But it wouldn't be the same as being on stage. And by now most of the Akalak knew him from his attempts at busking at the various taverns around town; that job might not even be as stable as he'd want. And it would be nowhere near as rewarding. It would be Mizas, nothing more. It wouldn't push his acting capabilities the way the plays at the Amphitheater did. And it would provide the same sense of fulfillment. It would, quite literally, be just a way to put food on the table.

"I'm not sure anyone can fix it, my love," Jorin replied quietly to Rinya's desperate plea. But gods, did he wish she could. "But you're already doing so much for me... this would hurt a great deal worse if you weren't here."

On some level Jorin was worried that he was now leaning on Rinya like a crutch. And perhaps even on some level taking advantage of her... she was always willing to be a shoulder for him to lean on and he did so without hesitation. But in another sense it was what a bondmate was supposed to do. Be there for each other. If it had been Rinya in his position he'd have done the exact same things she was doing, just to make her stop hurting.

Releasing Rinya's hand, Jorin wrapped it around Rinya's neck and tilted his face forward and kissed her. This one was a strange kiss. It wasn't filled with hatred and fury like the kiss after the Amphitheater, one that required Rinya to shout through the storm of his mind to reach him. Nor was it his usual passionate, fiery kisses. And while there was his usual love it was muted with depression and hurt; but it was clear he wanted those emotions to go away, if even for the briefest moment.

Desperation. There was a desperate quality to the kiss, like he was a drowning man and needed some respite from the rolling emotions inside. Which was exactly the case. Jorin did not love Rinya any less. If anything, it could be argued he loved her more in that moment than ever before. And he poured all these various emotions into the kiss, and into the bond, until he could barely breathe. When he broke off the kiss, he smiled at Rinya and it was slightly less forced this time.

"Rinya... I know it will still hurt in the morning but... when I'm with you... you make it stop hurting so much." It was a selfish thing to ask of her. Perhaps the most selfish thing he'd ever asked of her. And he wasn't even sure Rinya understood, though his need for her sang across the bond and Jorin hoped it would be enough to tell her the intention behind his words.

Coupling with his mate would not bring his position at the Amphitheater back. When the high of their love making wore off - and it would be love making, even in his current state Jorin was determined to make it so - Jorin would still be in the same predicament as he was before. There was quite a valid argument to be made that what he was doing did nothing to improve his situation other than to once again take from his mate.

But... Jorin knew that Rinya wanted to comfort him, and at least for a bell or two, being with her would mean he'd forget. He would no longer think about the awful day he had, or the uncertain future he faced, and he would concentrate solely on his beautiful, wonderful mate. And that would give them both respite from the heavy atmosphere that had settled over them. At least so Jorin hoped.

[Rinya]

Day 75, Season Fall, 513 AV

Jorin just agreed with her—mostly. That he did love his job and had for years. She couldn’t actually imagine having that kind of a passion about work. Sure, she liked her job at the Warren—had a decent partner to keep her company and the sort, but she didn’t love it. Most certainly did not want to do it the rest of her life. Rinya had never actually thought about it herself. What she would really like to do with the rest of her life now that she had herself a bondmate, and at mate to go on top of it. In the back of her mind she figured that maybe it was high time for her to figure that one—once Jorin was back to normal… or at least stable.

But Jorin just forged on. Explaining to her part of just what made him feel like he was. Or rather it was a product of him being so depressed. Rinya knew this well enough, it was something she did all the time after her father left. The depression would set in some nights and she could do nothing but focus miserably on all the reasons why her father would have just left without at least saying goodbye. But Rinya was positive that it wasn’t him. Seeing him on stage made that completely obvious. She knew his love of acting—but seeing it was completely different.

”That’s not true Jorin. I saw your acting… your talent.” Rinya sighed softly before she shook her head. ”You know… I’m not one that is good with imagination. At first all I could see was actors on a stage. Pretending. But you—you’ve always helped me picture things I can’t actually see.” Including their own relationship. She knew that it might not actually make him feel better. Perhaps worse, because he just lost that ability to do what he loved most. Helping people see something they usually wouldn’t. It took quite the energy not to snort at herself. She was terrible at this.

Jorin just replied that he didn’t think anyone could fix what happened. And she couldn’t help it. It was her job to help him like he did her, and she was just a complete failure at it. Rationally she knew that there was only so much she could do—they both admitted it—but she wanted Jorin happy. Regardless of the cost. He himself tried to glaze it over, insisting that her mere presence was helping. And she did her best to tamp down the feeling. He didn’t need it on top of his own issues. He released her hand and she opened her eyes, almost afraid that her words had actually upset him. It was hard to tell with the bond feeling like a mess of emotions.

Rinya certainly didn’t expect him to latch onto her neck and kiss her though. Depression and hurt clouded most of the love that normally swamped the bond and it almost made her want to cry. His kiss in anger had been hard to deal with, but anger she understood better than depression. Anger was harsh and quick winded. Depression was not. This was harder for the fact if she couldn’t bring him out of it, she was afraid he would stay where he was. Perhaps not forever, but it would be torture for her to sit by and watch it.

Even with his emotions on the fritz, hers remained firmly intact. Despite the worry and fear she could feel still feel desire sing across her skin. Nothing overwhelming, but it was always a natural reaction to him now. She did her best to take in stride his desperation. She didn’t hold back, and when he broke the kiss she was panting half by the sheer force behind the kiss, and half by the emotions filled with it. He managed a meager smile at her, but at least it was better than before. The hand still pressed to his face began to stroke his skin again.

She understood what he was asking of her, and her stomach twisted slightly. Anything for him… even if he wasn’t entirely sure what he was asking for himself. At least she had the feeling he didn’t. Rinya could remember her nightmare—how badly she had wanted to connect with him. It was a different kind of intense, so needy and desperate. It wasn’t something she even wanted to deny him however… ”Jorin… I told you. Whatever you need. Just—make sure it’s what you want.”

Sliding off the desk off to his side, her hand finally dropped from his face and she reached down to take his hand again. Pulling him up gently from the chair, she led him over to the bed, but she waited there. Standing next to the bed, patiently waiting for him. Every choice right now had to be his own. She could lead him, but only he knew what he needed from her.

[Jorin Ertihan]

Season of Fall, Day 75, 513 AV

What he wanted. What did he want? Jorin didn't even know anymore. The depression eating away at his soul kept telling him what he wanted didn't matter, that he didn't deserve anything so how could he possibly want anything? What gave him the right to be so selfish?

The current situation, and Jorin's current feelings, admittedly weren't immediately conducive to mating. Usually when he and Rinya coupled it was always due to the progression of passion. But what that night at the Amphitheater definitely taught him was that passion could grow even from a negative situation; in fact often did when the negative feelings faded and left a void in his heart that was usually filled with feelings for Rinya.

But these feelings were not like the anger, a hot flash of emotion that burned itself out like a fire with all tinder but no fuel. This was a slow burn, something that stuck to his soul and stubbornly refused to budge. And Jorin did not know if it would leave the same void the anger did, or whether it would just sit in his heart like a toad, while it poisoned the rest of his thoughts.

What upset Jorin the most about the entire situation was how unfair it was to Rinya. Regardless of his own situation, his mate was clearly desperate to do something to help, as evidenced by her complete lack of hesitation to even offer herself, even in an atmosphere like this, if that would make him feel better. But what he'd told her was true. He didn't know if anyone could truly fix this. Even if the stage manager took him back the very next day the event would hang over his head now, like an angry cloud. And it would take time, and a great deal of it, to make it fade.

Rinya had led him over to the bed and all these thoughts passed through his mind in a flash. He walked over almost dazed by the swirls in his head and he almost didn't notice that unlike most times, she did not immediately get on the bed, merely stood by it and waited patiently for him to make the first move. It was still technically fairly early in the day, yet for some reason Jorin found himself feeling inexplicably tired. Like he had run all the way from the Amphitheater to their condo. Yet another reason that, perhaps coupling right that moment was not the best choice.

Still, he'd made the request, and honestly he really could use the distraction. Whether mating would happen today would be up in the air but one thing at least was certain; he wanted Rinya near him. Her very presence was a comfort, her voice a soothing balm on an angry wound. He just hoped his mate could understand just how much she helped simply be being who she was.

Slowly, Jorin began taking off his clothing. This was not the almost frenzied peeling off that they often did in the throes of their mating, when the cloth was an impediment to their passion, to be discarded as quickly as possible. Instead this was a slow and deliberate act; Jorin removing each article slowly and carefully, even taking the time to fold them properly and place them in a nearby chair.

Jorin then waited for Rinya to remove her clothing as well. Despite the situation, despite the fact that he'd been nude numerous times in front of his lover, despite the fact that they had mated now so many times he'd actually stopped counting, he still couldn't stop the flushing of his cheeks when he'd turn to face her. And he was glad of it; this automatic reaction.

It told him he still loved her, still felt the same way about her no matter the situation or circumstance. Even clouded by depression and hurt, his subconscious still remembered and reacted appropriately. It gave him hope that, with enough time, this too would pass. And all that would be left would be his love for Rinya.

As Jorin rather heavily flopped onto the bed, then rolled a bit so that Rinya could join him there, he couldn't help but appreciate his mate's form. Even in the state he was in, her beauty still did not fail to affect him, but even so he wasn't sure it would be enough to generate the mood required for what he thought he wanted. Was mating really what he wanted? Rinya had assured him she'd do anything he asked of her, her only request was that he be sure.

Jorin did love working at the Amphitheater. It was a tremendously fun and exciting experience. But it was not true to say that it was one he would not trade for anything. Because his time with Rinya was even more precious to him, and if it came down to it, he loved her much more than he ever loved the stage. He'd find other ways to perform. But there was only one Rinya in the world.

"I'm not sure what I want, Rinya," Jorin confessed from his position on the bed. "I just... need you close right now. I honestly don't know where this might go. Possibly nowhere. But having you in my arms... you don't know how valuable that is to me."

Or perhaps she did. Regardless, Jorin waited patiently for Rinya to join him on the bed, looking at her with an unreadable expression on his face. But the emotions across the bond would be clear; that regardless of anything else, despite everything that happened that day, he loved her and always would.

[Rinya]

Day 75, Season Fall, 513 AV

Her words seemed to… well not confuse him. But trying to actually think through the thick fog the depression had settled over him would not be easy and she knew that. Everything felt as though time had slowed, just making the ache that much worse. Though if she had known what he was thinking, she might have finally lost her temper—her natural reaction to being in an uncomfortable position of course—and yelled at him. Part of her wondered if that was what she needed to do. However when she did yell it was rarely a well thought out process… things just flew out.

Of course she wasn’t so much worried about offending him anymore. Of anyone Jorin understood her temper, but that didn’t mean it would be easy enough for him to swallow. Not this time anyways. The nerves in her stomach however were trying to push her to break, and it was just something else she tried to control while dealing with his emotions at the same time. Rinya doubted that Jorin would actually go so far as to try couple with her though. Unlike the anger, she was certain he wouldn’t be able to focus on anything between the two of them. But she wouldn’t deny him either, because coupling with him was more than just pleasure for both of them.

While Jorin often told her that mating with her was more than just physical, she wondered if perhaps he was forgetting that right now. The connection to someone else was—indescribable. She could still remember just feeling relief despite all the passion and impatience when they had mated after her nightmare. The thought and feeling that she wasn’t alone and that he was still there with her, very much alive and loving. And that made up the sole reason why she would not deny him. Because he needed to understand that, but mating was not the only way to feel that connection.

He didn’t resist her as she pulled him to the bed, and for the longest time she just watched in an almost mute horror at the man before her. It was Jorin, and yet it wasn’t. Everything happy drained from him—it made her want to cry again. The only thing that kept her from actually allowing it was to focus on something else. Anything else. Rinya set about peeling the covers back of the bed, and actually did her best to keep her eyes from staring at the exposed skin of him. She couldn’t look at him—desire him—when he was like this unless it was what he wanted. And the bond told her that above everything else that it was not what he wanted.

There was still the faintness of love though, and that was probably the one thing she clung to at the moment. That he wasn’t completely gone just lost. Unlike him however, she pulled off her clothing as if it didn’’t matter—which it really didn’t. She tossed them onto the floor without care as he climbed into the bed. Or rather… fell into it. She could feel his eyes on her, and she just bit her bottom lip and slid into the bed next to him, as though she was trying to not disturb someone already asleep. That maybe the wrong move would just make things worse.

”I know you don’t know what you want.” She left off the possible snark that she also knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere. It was more the frustration at being unable to actually do anything to help him than actual anger. She honestly did not see how just being pressed to him would help. But he did want that… or at least he said he did. So she scooted closer to him, pointedly ignoring the look on his face. The depression combined with love just mixed with her own frustration—her own sort of volatile mix. With a rough sigh she pressed her face into his chest, closing her eyes and tried to figure out just how the day had come to this. ”I’ll be here regardless.”

Rinya did whatever she could to distract her entire mind, until Jorin either fell asleep or decided what he needed other than her. Her fingers traced the skin across his chest in a lazy slow pattern, not at all meant to try and flare some kind of reaction out of him other than his current depression. For the moment she had accepted that for now—this was Jorin. And he was still hers, just distant and unresponsive. And even if he never went back to his happy self she would still love him, still stand—or lie—next to him. As whatever he needed.

[Jorin Ertihan]

Season of Fall, Day 75, 513 AV

It was a testament to how close they had become that Rinya knew exactly what he meant even though he'd been far from clear about it. And she even knew that he might not have even truly meant it; after all it was a request made almost in desperation for anything to take his mind off of what had happened that day.

But as he lay in bed with his mate, he looked down at her face as she closed her eyes and traced her fingers against his chest. Even the tiny amount of distance that existed between them was too much and Jorin gently wrapped an arm around her waist and drew her flush up against him, hugging her close to himself gently but firmly, burying his face into her shoulder and just breathing in her scent.

For several chimes he held her like that, his hand trailing her back as he tried to just stop ruminating over the last day over and over. He wished he could just make his mind stop thinking for a moment and while he knew that coupling with his mate would do that, he didn't want to taint their lovemaking with negative emotions. Every time they'd ever laid together it had always been in full love, after all.

"I'm sorry, Rinya," he apologized with a sigh, squeezing her slightly as he said it. "I know you're trying, and I love you for that. I love you for everything, but don't worry. I'll get better, I just need... a little time..."

It had, after all, happened to him once before. Not long after arriving in Riverfall, honestly, and it had hit him just as hard, if not harder. Actually, definitely harder. The Thespians had dropped him, and he had wandered to Rookery Park with a potential intention of just... ending it. If he hadn't met Rinya that day Jorin genuinely wondered if he would have gone through with it... it was a terrifying possibility.

But now, that idea hadn't even occurred to him. Sure he'd lost his job, and Jorin could feel the emptiness that came from knowing that the job of his dreams was now over, but he'd recover. When the Thespians dropped him, and he couldn't find work at the same Amphitheater he ironically had now also been dropped from, he had been depressed as well.

In fact, during the horrible Summer storm when he'd had his... electrifying experience, he'd been the most depressed he'd been in some time. And getting struck by lightning, regardless of the fact that it was not a direct strike, certainly did not improve his mood by much. And yet he still managed to pull out of that with a job and a bondmate, who also become the love of his life.

Life was unpredictable. The truth was, a job was a job. In the end no matter how much one loved it, there were no guarantees. And while Jorin could wallow in misery for days it did not change the fact that the job was gone, and no amount of crying was bringing it back. Once again, his father's words echoed in his head, "Tell me what crying will do to change the past and I will cry you a river." One of the rare philosophies of Rosik's that Jorin wholeheartedly agreed with.

The Amphitheater had released him. No real explanation given; the thing with the inventory Jorin was convinced was merely an excuse. What was the real reason he was asked to leave? He couldn't be sure. Perhaps it was backdoor politics, perhaps he'd angered the wrong person. Or perhaps he was just a terrible actor, although if that were true they wouldn't have allowed him to play as second billed.

The job might not have been forever anyway. Any number of reasons might have forced him to look for other work. Injury, reshuffling of the acting lineup, or perhaps Rinya simply no longer wished to live in Riverfall and they moved to another city; life's unpredictability meant there were no guarantees. So he'd mourn the loss of the job. And he'd remember all the good times he had, just like he remembered with fondness the five years he'd spent with the Thespians. And life would move on.

The depression was lifting. It hadn't gone away completely; he could feel the sadness in his heart much like he had when the Thespians had dropped him. But, much like that day in the park when he first noticed Rinya perched on the rail, her presence always seemed to draw him out. The brightness of their shared love slicing through the depression like a lighthouse beacon through a foggy night.

Lifting one of the hands to stroke Rinya's cheek, Jorin tilted her head up to kiss her again. It was a gentle, soft kiss, and with much of the depression gone he could put in a lot more of the normal love that infused nearly every kiss they shared. He didn't really need to mate with her tonight. But her presence, her love, her concern, reminded him of the most important thing.

He was not alone.

"It's just a job," Jorin murmured after the kiss ended, his hand going back to her waist so he could press her against him. "The best job I've had in my life, sure, but... still just a job. I can find another, if I have to. I won't give up... you know me best, Rinya, you know I won't. But at least this time..."

Jorin waited for Rinya to look him in the eyes first, running his hands in random patterns on her back and waist, until she looked up at him, before he finished the sentence.

"At least this time, I'm not alone."

And Jorin kissed her again, deeper this time, with much more of the old passion, love, and desire that they were both familiar with. Sure, there was still sadness there. Until he found his next paying position it would likely always be there, a tiny bit. And even afterwards, every time he passed the Amphitheater, he'd probably have pangs of regret, but that was liable to fade with time. But here and now, he could forget it. Because Rinya was here, and that was all that mattered.

He really should have seen it so much sooner. After all, it was he who'd told Rinya so many times that if they ever gotten into trouble they'd handle it together. So long as he had Rinya he'd never be alone. And that made all the difference.