[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

(This is a thread from Mizahar's fantasy role play forum. Why don't you register today? This message is not shown when you are logged in. Come roleplay with us, it's fun!)

The player scrapbooks forum is literally a place for writers to warm-up, brainstorm, keep little scraps of notes, or just post things to encourage themselves and each other. Each player can feel free to create their own thread - one per account - and use them accordingly.

[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

Postby Risa Moontide on November 2nd, 2011, 11:12 am

Post with Risa! Good short-term goal, no? :P

in all seriousness, have her learn a skill or revisit someplace or deliver something or any number of tasks. have her do errands or things that you'd normally do! And most of all, have fun!

I loved the ending of the Watchmen. I thought it was pretty climatic in a political sense and all that, but that's probably just because I'm a weirdo. Did you not like it?

Still, Good luck on NaNoMizThrMo! or whatever people want to call it!
User avatar
Risa Moontide
Player
 
Posts: 221
Words: 132313
Joined roleplay: July 13th, 2011, 6:45 am
Race: Human, Svefra
Character sheet
Storyteller secrets
Scrapbook

[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

Postby Taln on November 2nd, 2011, 6:21 pm

Wow on your 'love' scrap! I do throw around the words I love you freely and selectively. You might see 'I love you. That is all.' I mean those words when I write them and continue to do so. If you're having a hard time with the words, may I offer some advice? You can heed or ignore as you choose of course.

I -love- when Addy/Jules posts something kind in my scrap so when I answer with Love, I mean it tremendously. When someone else communicates a clever idea to share with me, or allows others to see their vulnerable side, I will joyfully 'love on them' lavishly.

It's ok to love freely but selectively. Love someone's actions when they consistently appear terrific/kind/selfless or just plain hug worthy! There's nothing wrong with claiming an I love you fervently to someone who has just shared a terrific moment with you in whatever that form is.

I'm not saying to proclaim these words to total strangers with no meaning behind it, because that demeans the whole purpose.

Anywho, for your short term ideas-- hiya says Taln! Care to repair their fractured almost friendship? Do you instead need me to mod a thread for you perhaps?
User avatar
Taln
Ivak's will be done
 
Posts: 368
Words: 246324
Joined roleplay: August 6th, 2011, 12:57 am
Location: Syka
Race: Mixed blood
Character sheet
Storyteller secrets
Scrapbook
Journal
Plotnotes
Medals: 2
Featured Character (1) Never Say Die (1)

[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

Postby Mikkeyla on November 2nd, 2011, 7:01 pm

I'd love to thread with both of you! ^^ The more the better, and hopefully I'll be able to keep a decent posting pace. :) The tip of doing daily chores is good, I didn't even think of that. Which I probably should have..

I kind of did like the end to the movie, it was just surprising and unusual. ^^

And to each their own, I guess. We all have our own views on how we do things and why, I'm just airing out my thoughts in scraps like these. No pointing fingers anywhere, since more often than not I'm really addressing myself when I write :)
User avatar
Mikkeyla
Easy does it
 
Posts: 20
Words: 18696
Joined roleplay: September 26th, 2011, 8:58 pm
Location: Syliras
Race: Human
Character sheet
Storyteller secrets
Scrapbook

[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

Postby Mikkeyla on November 3rd, 2011, 11:00 pm



It's scary how quick time passes. Soon four months have passed, and here I am still. The world hasn't ended, Mizahar hasn't died, and rather than loosing friends I've found more than I've ever had at any one time in life. Amazing.

Numbers fascinate me. In roughly four months I have managed to write
  • 344 posts
  • 459116 words (mind that the word calculator appears to be slightly defunct)
Rista's profile says that I'm standing for 0.29% of all posts on the site, which is scary, and that I've posted in general 3 replies a day, which makes me feel kinda good.

I've been such a busy little bee! ^^ Yay for me!

And now this NaNo thingy is helping me get over my writers block, which is great. Now I can actually reply to the posts people make, in decent time and in such a way that the story is brought forward. Hopefully, at least.. In any case, I'm having fun and that is what should count.

This is the longest time I've spent on writing in a journal or blog or any similar thing. It's almost the longest time I've spent on any one forum - except the rpg site that I came from when joining here, which I left for various reasons. It is by far the most amazing site I've ever been a member of, and the only one where I feel like people take interest in my character as well as their own. It's not always a common thing, I've played with more than one person before that only thought of furthering their own goals and doing their own thing. Here it feels more like we are cooperating, helping each other to reach their goals and perhaps get a little boost towards our own at the same time.

I thoroughly enjoy the fact that time flows at the same pace in Mizahar as in rl. It's great, it's so practical, there's no stress and no power-aging of characters. A child will remain a child, a mother will be pregnant for a long time, there's so much time to go into all those little details you'd like to highlight.

Calm, steady and peaceful. I think those are my favorite words, and I can only think that they applies to this site as a whole.


Oh yeah, another embarrassing love-letter to the site. Go me. :D


User avatar
Mikkeyla
Easy does it
 
Posts: 20
Words: 18696
Joined roleplay: September 26th, 2011, 8:58 pm
Location: Syliras
Race: Human
Character sheet
Storyteller secrets
Scrapbook

[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

Postby Mikkeyla on November 4th, 2011, 6:22 am



I wasn't really intending to try and complete the WR thread challenge for this season, but somehow it seems as if I've managed to do that anyway. Not entirely, there are a lot of threads that aren't finished and some that I need to start, but I actually think I'll be able to complete them. Wohoo! Unexpected but really fun ^^


September (2011)
1. Start a brawl. - need thread for this
2. Train a skill. - Teaching dogs to sit Hands on practice in a very serious situation. Makes for fast learning.
3. Take a fall. - Hide and Seek A bird brings Rista to her knees.
4. Craft something completely from scratch. - Work work I'd like a work like that, honestly...

October(2011)
1. Throw a party. - Hide and Seek To be done, but can be accomplished in that thread.
2. Have a crazy dream. - Forgotten First post is up, now for ideas on how to make it crazy.
3. Wax eloquently on a topic for bells. - Hide and Seek To be done
4. Invent a new saying. - Teaching dogs to sit If she may say so herself...

November(2011)
1. Try your hand at home brewing. - Needs to be done!
2. Insult someone or be insulted. - Honoring the Promise A slip of the tongue can hurt..
3. Give someone a gift or receive one. - It's a Party, People! A gift of a promise is still a gift.
4. Acquire a serious injury. - Teaching dogs to sit Ouch?

With the WriMo crazy going on, this shouldn't be too hard to accomplish ^^ Gives me something to do, at least.


User avatar
Mikkeyla
Easy does it
 
Posts: 20
Words: 18696
Joined roleplay: September 26th, 2011, 8:58 pm
Location: Syliras
Race: Human
Character sheet
Storyteller secrets
Scrapbook

[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

Postby Rista on November 7th, 2011, 8:32 pm

*twists in the seat and clears my throat*

"Hi everyone, I'm Malin."

*people respond in chorus*

Hi Malin

"I skipped school today. I knew it was bad, but I did it anyway..."



Seriously. What the heck am I doing?

Last year I just barely made it through school, and I was allowed to come back on the simple condition that I wouldn't skip out anymore. I accepted that and I was happy about it, or at least I convinced myself that I was since it was easier that way. If I go back to the same place as before then I don't need to come up with some other idea on what to do with myself, right?
It went pretty well, I got up and went to classes, I had fun while I was there and so on, so forth... Now it's like I don't give a shit about what will happen. I mean, sure if they kick me out it will be embarrassing and I'll feel down and suckish about it, but it's not like the world will end from it. It's not like what I'm doing is getting me anywhere, I haven't invested anything in it besides time that I would have spent on doing nothing... Oh well, I've collected a bit of debt, but nothing that can't be payed back.

My lack of enthusiasm and effort scares me. Nothing I tell myself works, nothing of what other people says works, and the opinion of other people have never had so little effect on me. It just slips off like water off a goose, and even now when I'm raging and ranting about it like this I still don't really care. I'm not looking for pity, I don't even care about bashings or complete, utter ignorance. I don't do things for the sake of others, because I've had it stated clearly that it's not how you're supposed to behave. Think of yourself, think of your own future, do what you want to do and don't give a petch about others, because they don't control you...

Ha. Try telling that to my teachers, say it to my mom when I do exactly as I please and end up making her cry from worry as I sit in my room day in and day out.

I suppose my biggest fault is that I don't care about myself at all. I don't have any goals and no big, all consuming dreams that keeps me moving forward. I don't see a point in making an effort, because it will end when I die and nothing ever lasts forever. I'd be perfectly happy to live for the sake of someone else, devote myself to them.

I don't feel like doing anything. Sorry for not being strong of mind, sorry for not really having a will to do anything with what I have. Sorry for not sucking it up and keep moving, and I am terribly sorry for not enjoying myself.

A wise person saved me once by telling me that it's okay to not feel good all the time. She said that it was fine to be angry when you were angry, to cry when you were sad and laugh only when you felt truly happy. I wish I could find her again and ask what to do when all the emotions have run out and I'm reduced to simply existing, mindlessly flowing with the stream and drowning in the vague expectations people have for me. I'd very much like to hear her reply.


Btw, have you ever noticed how tasty rice is? My family and friends think I'm crazy, but I can with no problem at all make a bowl of rice for myself and just eat it, either make riceballs and cover them with salt or drizzle sweet soy sauce over it. The flavor is mild and pleasant, it's filling and interesting to eat, I like the rice when it's sticky and I can eat it with chopsticks or just my fingers...

Is there a way to make a living off of eating rice and watching anime? Can I please spend my life reading manga, eating tasty food and watching the sun rise on the other side of the trees? I don't need people. I don't care much for clothes or books or what happens on the other side of the world. I don't give a petch what my neighbors are arguing about, why some believe in gods while others don't or how quickly the world is coming to an end. Just leave me alone, so I can spend my life of dying in peace and quiet. Gods, how I long to hear real silence, uninterrupted and perfect... When was the last time you heard it?


It's okay to think I'm a selfish lazy bastard who doesn't do anything but whining. It's probably true, so I don't mind. You should give yourself a break and stop caring for a while, you have no idea how good it feels.
User avatar
Rista
Black-Eyes
 
Posts: 378
Words: 505199
Joined roleplay: July 13th, 2011, 4:15 pm
Location: Wind Reach
Race: Human, Mixed
Character sheet
Storyteller secrets
Scrapbook
Medals: 1
Artist (1)

[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

Postby Rista on November 11th, 2011, 1:23 am

Words... Flood my mind and eat me up from the inside. Thoughts. Memories, images, pieces of songs and old conversations long since past, some even settled and half forgotten. Essays written, short stories, faces flashes by before my inner vision, there and gone, there and not there. Scents, tastes, the feeling of ice-cream melting on the tongue before swallowing, the crunch of biting into an apple, the feeling of soft cat fur beneath fingers. Winter chill biting the nose, summer heat sending sweat trickling down cheeks, the mild winds of spring and the clear freshness in the air come autumn. Sunrise, sunset, day followed by night and another day, routines interrupted and reclaimed, to be interrupted once more. Happy times, sad times, disaster upon disaster, tears burning in the eyes and the lump in the stomach grows, the pressure over shoulders increases, pressed down. Shadows prolong as a burning sun slowly sets, dying the world in gold and emerald, birches burning in silver and light and set the stage for the dancing, swarming insects that seem lit by an inner light where they gleam, swirling like something magical and almost tangible. As the eye closes darkness sets in from above, slowly, until there is only darkness and the wonders of the world beyond has disappeared, unreachable and unreal. What is left is memories of memories, thought and ideas, an echo of voices where one is louder than the rest, where one seems to say more and speak louder than any other, and yet for some reason...

Chaos. The voices say one thing and the body another, the mind agrees with the first but is forced to comply under the second, demands increase, pressure builds and beneath the false pretenses the smile shivers and fades as the candle of hope burns down, down, wax melting and dripping on the table. The world shifts and trembles, revolve and distorts and on the wall the shaded pictures seem to smirk down, following with their eyes and condemning, knowing, whispering of the shadows that grow in the corners, retelling the same story over and over and over again. There has to be a way out, a heart pounds and hands tremble but beyond the first door there is a second door, and a third, and more and more doors that all open into the same room and the same chuckling, lunatic paintings. They taunt and mock, throwing knowledge around and the world spins, caves, it's dark and the air is running out, breathing cannot be done and the knees cave in, bringing the body down on the floor where the carpet receives upon its crimson surface, embracing and stifling as the nose fills with a scent of dust and dirt and stepped in grime that cannot be washed away because what has once been tainted shall never again become clean, and it is known and cannot be unknown...

A heart is beating. Thu-thump. Thu-thump. Existing is everything. Thu-thump. Thu-thump. In the darkness, there is all there is. Thu-thump. The heart and the darkness, and the existence. The mind caves from attempt of understanding the concept of life and existence, struggles and breaks upon searching and finding no reason or logical explanation. Faith absent, hope smothered, Darkness Prevails. Thu-thump.

When is it going to end?
User avatar
Rista
Black-Eyes
 
Posts: 378
Words: 505199
Joined roleplay: July 13th, 2011, 4:15 pm
Location: Wind Reach
Race: Human, Mixed
Character sheet
Storyteller secrets
Scrapbook
Medals: 1
Artist (1)

[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

Postby Naama on November 11th, 2011, 1:44 am

Rista, you know what, this is in response to your post above your last one. I feel the exact same way. I have no motivation to continue what I'm doing, and I find that I've been skipping classes more and more because I just don't have the willpower to get up and go to them. It's like an all-consuming depression. Debt will always be there, so there's no point worrying about it.

I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. We can be those guys that said "fuck you school", and rode off into the sunset. :P
User avatar
Naama
Chunki Faguta
 
Posts: 395
Words: 130159
Joined roleplay: February 13th, 2011, 2:53 am
Race: Mixed blood
Character sheet
Storyteller secrets
Scrapbook
Plotnotes
Medals: 3
Featured Thread (1) Artist (1)
Extreme Scrapbooker (1)

[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

Postby Rista on November 13th, 2011, 3:13 am

Thank you, Naama. I'm sure we'll find some cool way to ride this out, either by pushing through to the end or by flunking out in some epic fashion. I'll root for you either way, so lets keep out heads high! ^^
User avatar
Rista
Black-Eyes
 
Posts: 378
Words: 505199
Joined roleplay: July 13th, 2011, 4:15 pm
Location: Wind Reach
Race: Human, Mixed
Character sheet
Storyteller secrets
Scrapbook
Medals: 1
Artist (1)

[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

Postby Rista on November 14th, 2011, 3:07 pm

Those little victories

I've always found them to be quite enjoyable. While it's not much of an accomplishment to get up in the morning, take a shower and go to class in time, it still feels incredibly good to manage with it after spending more than a week in pitch-black misery where eating is an effort, sleeping feels frightening since it forces you to eventually wake up and once again face the decision about whether or not to go to school that day... which, when it comes down to it, isn't a decision that was mine to make in the first place. My mind was already made up by the time I asked myself "Should I stay or should I go?", and everything after that was just a slow defeat that only served to make it all so much worse. Adding guilt to all the other things that weigh me down when I get like that is only stupid. And yet, it seems to be impossible to keep myself from it.

Now when my mind is clear and I've pushed through a day of moderately good events, it feels strange to look back and remember this past week. I couldn't say what I was doing from one day to the next, because all I really remember is the darkness from outside and the darkness in my room and the dark in my mind that lay like a lid over all my thoughts. I don't think I've been this bad off before, at least not while being aware of what was going on. I think, at some point I simply stared at the computer screen for three hours without doing anything at all. I sat there, looked at the page, and clicked on update about once every two minutes or so. My mind was numb, my fingers stiff, it was cold and dark and when someone suddenly logged in on AIM I remember how I flinched and stared at the little notice, so far off that the quiet little blonking sound had managed to scare me from being so loud.

Here is where it gets difficult. Simply looking back tells me how bad this is and how I really need help to be able to function like a normal human. Because while this week has been more extreme than usual, it's not the first time I feel like I have, and I seriously doubt that it was the last. Even as I write I feel that smothering, shadowy dark linger in the back of my mind, judging and criticizing and editing what I think, altering and smoothing over and making up excuses, shrinking from guilt over the things I haven't done, the things I should be doing and the things I probably won't do even though I should. It numbs my fingers, makes it hard to breathe, and any minute it could come crawling back and take a hold of me again - and there's nothing to say that I'll be able to get out of it again. This time I was lucky, I had friends to talk to who knows, who can say the right things and lighten the burden just enough to get by. But if next time they are away or busy, what will happen then? It just can't go on like this.

I know what I should be doing. I should pick up the phone, call the local hospital and make an appointment with a doctor, and make them help me. It's not hard, it's really an easy task that will take a few minutes at the most, and then I'll be well on my way to a much better existence. Of that I'm certain.

It's never been so far to that cellphone before. It's never felt so heavy when I pick it up, and I've never felt so scared of anything before. Facing a spider is like child play in comparison, I'd rather sit up on a strong horse and try jumping a terrain course at full speed, I could strip and walk out naked in public more easily than I can pick up that damn phone and make a bloody call.
My own inability to do something that will benefit me annoys me to no end. On the inside I'm raging and fuming, but it's like the feeling is locked behind a wall of glass or wrapped in layers of thick wool. I can hear myself, but it won't get through. I know the thoughts and feelings are there, but they don't affect me and it's so easy to ignore them, push them aside and keep hesitating, thinking up 'what ifs' and procrastinating.

It might be silly and uncalled for, but I can't shake this feeling of standing at a crossroad. I can see so clearly how my actions here will affect me, and the consequences of them. I know where I don't want to end up, and to avoid that I just need to make that call. I need to do it soon, before I forget last week and the feeling I have now, before I convince myself that it won't help and before my teacher looses her patience and decides that enough is enough.

This is the part where I wish I was religious, so I could ask a god for some strength and believe that it will be given to me. Unfortunately I can't bring myself to believe in any higher powers, may they exist or not. All I can do is to rely on my friends, trust in them and believe that some day I'll be able to repay them for all that they give to me.

And I still need to pick up the phone.

On the good side, however. Today I fixed the problems in the weave I've set up - that should have been dealt with weeks ago, but never mind - and finally got to start weaving! Yay, it feels really good. It's a very positive thing, and seeing how quickly it goes to finish the samples I am to make, I think I'm not so far behind as I thought I was. It's five weeks left until Christmas, and with a bit of luck and some effort I should be able to finish the things I've taken upon myself to do. If I work hard, I might be able to finish my towels by next week. And then I need to weave the fabric for a pillow, and if time allows when I'm done with that, I'll probably weave the fabric for a skirt.

We'll see how it goes. I'll try not to give myself too high goals, it's better to make small ones and actually finish them rather than to realize halfway that I won't make it.

Let's try to end this in a positive manner, shall we? I have my problems, but whenever I manage to pull myself up and look around, I can't help but finding the world around to be so incredibly beautiful.

I'll give you a song. It's in Swedish, though I've translated the lyrics and you can find them below the video, like always. I think it's beautiful...

Here you are. Do enjoy!



I play for life, for everything that grow
that live and breathe and births and dies
I play for life, I know nothing else
that gives both meaning and daily bread
I play for life, I sing at the top of my lungs
I play with tones and kisses words
I play for life, with my head in the heavens
and the feet dancing on Mother Earth

I play for life, night and day
I play for life, It's how I am
I play for life, Day and night
I play for life, because
I play for life

I play for life with throbbing heart
and the soul overflowing with joy and grief
I play for life, I angst, I enjoy
and sell my effort on the hawkers square
I play for life and forget about death
for on that horizon there is no light
I play for life and trust in time
that always has grown to the next now

I play for life, It's how I am
I play for life, night and day
I play for life, Day and night
I play for life, like possessed
I play for life
User avatar
Rista
Black-Eyes
 
Posts: 378
Words: 505199
Joined roleplay: July 13th, 2011, 4:15 pm
Location: Wind Reach
Race: Human, Mixed
Character sheet
Storyteller secrets
Scrapbook
Medals: 1
Artist (1)

PreviousNext

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests