[Rista's Scrapbook] That wasn't meant to be

[Rista]

Hm, this actually works really well. This will be added to the Template list.. Such a neat feature, no? Very practical; actually, way too practical, since it makes me lazy. The Founders shouldn't spoil us like this, it'll turn us into insufferable brats that never go out of their way to do anything, since we're so used to having someone do it for us. I have things I need to do; - Do the laundry - clean the room - pay the bills - rewrite the notes from weaving class, - Do the English homework - Reply to Kikue - Reply to Fois - Reply to Sian - Finish the CS for Xnnn - Update Rista's journal - Post in the Flashback - Take Rista for some shopping (the girl need more clothes) - Do some plotting with a willing Storyteller with jurisdiction.. I'm sure there were something else too, but I can't remember what it was. There's hardly any panic with either of the things in the list, but it'd be nice to have them done with. It wasn't as much as I thought, but in a way it's more than enough to keep me busy for a while. Good that I have music to keep me company...

[Rista]

Hm, this feels odd. Normally I just type in the box below the other messages, I think it's the first time I actually use this way.. Never mind. This is exciting! It happened almost suddenly. I have been planning and thinking about the departure of Rista for some time now, and talked about her leaving Wind Reach almost since I joined the site. And now it's about to happen! With the help of a friendly Symenestra (or well, the player is, not the character ) my little mongrel shall be snatched from her peaceful life and thrown out into the big bad world. I can't wait to see it happen *bounces up and down* Is it strange that I'm mostly excited over getting to buy her a horse? And adding a new signature to celebrate the New Arc? ^^ It feels a bit silly, but aside from Rista reaching Ekytol and meeting some Chaktawe I don't have a lot of plans for this trip of hers. It's going to be reluctant and unwilling on her part most of the way, at least while she's still in Kalea, so I'm more than happy to get pushed and knocked around by any AS, DS or otherwise that happen to have some spare time. The more that happens to her the better, good or bad; my only request is to get a chance to save her life. xD I love my little mongrel, I would cry if she ended up dying before loosing her virgi.. hrmm, before her fifteenth birthday. Yes, that would be tragic. Anyways, for the signature. I've made one, a long time ago. Actually, I have two; different sizes of the same pic, but still. They look different, and I'm not sure which of them will be best to use. I'll probably come to a decision someday. It feels strange to change it while I still have threads left to do in Wind Reach, but at the same time.. It has begun, right? The big adventure, that seems so un-epic just because there are no WR people around in the thread to see what happens ^^ See, I'm just as home-grown as Rista. Wind Reach! The home of homes, there's no place like it! ^^ And just so I won't loose it, here's the old Sig. Lo and behold!! Though honestly, I don't even like it. It's too... red.

[Rista]

Ambivalence It is called ambidextrous when you can use both your hands to the same extent, right? Well, when I was a kid - and now too, for that matter - I used to call it being ambivalent. In a way it is rather fitting, while not particularly flattering. They use both hands because they can't decide on which one they prefer best.. Well, in that case then I am ambivalent too, though not when it comes to hands; rather, it's about characters. I have Rista. She is the most perfect, flawed, aggressive and interesting character I have ever made, and I love her to bits. Other writers seem to love her as well, and that makes me like her even more; since if she catches the interest of players with such epic characters, she must be good. I'm proud over having made her, and I really look forward to seeing her grow up, develop and reach awesome levels of epicness.. at least I hope she will. The only problem with her that I can see, is that she is too perfect. I do have other concepts for new characters popping up in my head from time to time, but after a bit of speculating and scrutinizing I realize that they end up as poor copies of Rista, with weak stories and questionable goals, no real personality.. It's not a real problem, but it is kind of frustrating when I want to play in so many locations and so many people at the same time. 'One thing at a time' is all good and well, but I want moarrr... now! I have lately had this face popping up before my inner vision, of a character i think could become quite interesting, should Rista ever fade from my interest. I pray that it will never happen, but even so I won't drop the thought of making him a reality. Yes, him. It's about all I know of him. His name is Bennai, he is a man of considerable height and thinness, with long and thick brown-red hair that is sloppily tied back from the face. He has pale blue eyes and a lazy grin, he likes smoking a pipe and has a habit of kicking his feet up on anything within reach; from a tree root to a stool, a table or a lady's lap... I know he has a good singing voice, that he is more athletic than his big feet and lanky built gives credit for, I know that he has a taste for sweet mead and that he hates fish.. And I know that there is more to him than meets the eye. That wry, charmingly sly grin of his hides how dangerous he can be, and his eyes holds some kind of deep knowledge that makes him look older than he is... And that is all I have. No history, no goals, no family, nothing that makes it possible to flesh him out and make him a playable character. I wouldn't be able to pin him down on a CS, because whenever I try to sort out the details he begins to warp, change, take on qualities that he shouldn't have. He is so fleeting and undefined, and I'd love to play with him but I just can't. If anyone could compete with Rista it's him.. If I only got to know him a bit more. As it is, I don't even know what race he is. Probably not Inarta, despite the coloration, but I don't think he's purely human either. Maybe Vantha, perhaps Svefra or Drykas... But it's so hard to say. He lacks some definite qualities that would make him fit into a single category like that; he is simply too real to want to confine to the lores and determined niches of Mizahar. Which is odd, since he definitely was born from this place. Even more so than Rista, since I began to build her while still reading up on lores and getting familiar with the place. With Bennai, I already know so much and I can definitely say.. he is an odd one. And I want to get to know him and spend time with him, but how am I supposed to do that if I can't begin writing with him? The slippery bastard. I'm sure it's a part of his plan. Because he has a plan, and a goal. He does have both history and knowledge and skills, he just refuses to reveal them to me. He's already become alive, and he runs rampant in my mind, messing things up and making me distracted... Petching bastard. How annoying isn't this...

[Aidara]

If you read any kind of epic fantasy with a female lead, it could be why Bennai keeps popping into your head. He's in almost every book ive read in one way or another. The bad guy girls shouldn't love, but do because there is SOMETHING about him that just brings them to their knees.

Now, thats not really all that fair of me to say. On mizahar even hamlet can become something completely different. I wasn't bashing or trying to dissuade you from the pc. In fact I read it and went "awww I want him". I fall for the bad boys.

What I was trying to do is poke you into further development. I am jealous of Rista. She has a certain realism that I was going for with addy and I think I failed. So you know you're good at this, and that is fine. It's awesome to know when you're good at something

But your better than the sly, just-out-of-reach good/bad boy. Go further. Do it.

[Rista]

Two-Timing Because only one isn't good enough At least it feels like I am. And I'm not sure I could choose if my life depended on it.... Should I be more in love with School, or Mizahar? Common sense says that school is more important, and I probably can agree on that, because school is what gives my days purpose and what keeps me from going insane, locked up in my room at home while the drama that is my daily life goes on around me. Being here and doing what I get to do is infinitely better in every kind of way, and I'd be a fool for messing this up. But then again... The thing that really makes me feel good about myself and who I am, is Mizahar. I feel like in the short time I've spent on this site, I've gotten to know more amazing people and found my own worth in a way that never happened before. Sure I've had good friends, and sure they made me feel better, but it was all because they 'permitted' me to feel good. I was happy because they deigned to befriend me, because they bothered to spend some time with me and act like I meant something. In the end, it turned out that it was shallow enough of a friendship to be broken by just a few words; I'm still trying to recover from that blow. When people you have known for years and come to love more than yourself suddenly decides that you're the sum of mankind's worst qualities and cuts all bonds with you, shutting you out from everything you have come to know, it's bound to create a certain mistrust against people. I thought I could trust them, but in the end they turned their back on me without even trying to solve the matter; they just disappeared, like so many other things in my life. It's hard to say if Mizahar is any different in that aspect; people come and go here, some staying for a short period while others seem to have become the building foundations that holds this site up. It's as easy to meet and loose friends here as it is in real life; easier, actually, since we all have our own lives on the other side of the screen, all of us with different goals and circumstances. It's a hazardous thing, to place trust in a person that is only connected to you through this fickle, fragile string that is Mizahar; it could so easily break, snapping back into the face and causing even more pain. Though, at the same time I have never been able to bond to people like I have here. For the first time I feel like I'm able to gush and complain, whine and think and ponder about all the things that move through my mind, and instead of shrugging or telling me that I'm wrong, there are actually some that listen and comment, offering their opinions without demanding or even expecting that I should change my mind. Never before have I been so encouraged to be who I am, exactly who I am and neither more nor less than that. I'm still in shock over the warmth of the people I have met here, and still continue to meet. It's a bit frightening though. Mizahar has caught my attention, and I'm not one to do things by half. At least I try not to be, but seeing as I am a person that can only do one thing at a time, I find myself struggling with my priorities. If I focus on Mizahar then my time in school will suffer, due to late nights, lack of focus on what I'm doing and inability to appreciate what is around me. Conversely, if I set my mind on just doing well in school, attending as I should and being social, active and all that.. Then my stay in Mizahar is going to suffer for it. I won't be as active with posting, I wouldn't be able to talk to my friends, who I actually get along with better than the ones I have here at school... I want to have both. Does that make me greedy? At the very least I feel torn, indecisive; it should be possible for me to have both, but in my mind it is as if I have to make a choice, gather my priorities and get a grip... I hate getting a grip. It's no fun at all.

[Aidara]

That's not greedy nor should you feel like you have to pick one or the other. Lifejs meant to be enjoyed, so enjoy it.

However, I have learned the hard way, after almost 5 years of hiding from the real world on World of Warcraft, which also allows the player to submerge themselves in a completely different world, that all things really SHOULD be taken in moderation.

You, like me, seem to have an addictive personalty. Please, Rista, for the love that you bear for Mizahar, balance this.

It's very easy to wish you were this awesome person you made up in your head. For years I had convinced myself I was a holy paladin. I'm not. You can't substitute what real life offers with what is here, on Miz, no matter how fucking awesome it is. Trust me, all of us here have developed an addiction to this place.

But it simply isn't real. And it needs to stay that way. Dont substitute what you thin your lacking in life with what you think is it's equivalent here.


-jules

[Rista]

Numb... It's gone so well lately that I didn't even realize when it snuck up on me. I've been participating (well not that much) and doing what I should be doing (actually.. hrrm) and I thought everything was all sunflowers and good times. So what is this disgusting, horrible feeling of listlessness that I'm feeling right now? It's the same old reluctant attitude that has kept me sitting in my room the past year and a half, sulking and complaining that life is unfair.. Ugh! I don't want it back. Why is it that I can never manage to feel good about something for an extended period of time? How come I can never manage to believe people when they say I'm good at something, when I get compliments or am told good thing? What is seriously up with this pitch-black, lazy, listless tired numb feeling that weighs me down all the time? I want it gone. I want it to disappear and never come back, I want to be able to laugh and enjoy myself without it constantly creeping up on me, that little hateful voice whispering in the back of my head that it's all so pointless, so perfectly useless because it isn't going to last anyway. How do I kill something I can't see? How do I change the way I view myself, how do I accept being someone of worth and value that is capable of accomplishing anything? I can feel it, the slimy blue-black feeling in my gut that causes all of this. It slithers around, clasping down on my energy and sucking the strength from my limbs, making me feel nauseous from the thought of putting effort into things. What's the point? it whispers. No need to bother, it says, and makes me sit down again should I have managed to get myself up on the feet. It won't lead anywhere anyway; I don't want anything enough to put in that much work. For each time it gets harder and harder to resist it, and the pit I thought I had dug myself out of is swallowing me up once more. Apathy... What do I even want from life, when it comes down to it? I'm not a very greedy person in that aspect. At a first thought I could mention a hundred things that I would like, a thousand things I would want to do. But when it comes down to it, there is only really one thing that I would want from life before it ends... Something lasting, something solid and secure and yet intangible at the same time... I want love. Original, isn't it? I thought it up all by myself. I want to wake up and find someone next to me, someone that I trust and who trust me in return, whom I know and who knows me. I want that feeling of belonging, that secure comfort in knowing that my home is by the side of that person, no matter where we are in the world. I want us to share the daily things; discuss food and cooking, argue about who's time it is to do the laundry, laugh at each others mistakes and then go out of our way to help setting them right again. I want to look up from something and see the other and feel my stomach churn from desire, knowing that they are as much mine as I am theirs. I want to fall asleep at night surrounded by their warmth, That.. is all. Really, it is. Sure it'd be nice with a steady income and a nice house and other such things, but it's not what I crave from life. For me, the part with finding a job and earning money is just a necessary evil that has to be done, since society and the people around me expect it of me. It's not my ultimate goal to make a career or become someone well-known, the more people that recognize me and expect things from me, the more bothersome life will become. I'm sure there are plenty of people that want the same things, that live for the same things as I dream of. How they manage to cope with the boring, mundane and necessary tasks are beyond me; I find it difficult and challenging just to get out of bed in the morning. It's not really an accomplishment to get up, take a shower and eat breakfast before school starts, is it? Well, that the state I am in right now. Sorry, I know it's pathetic. I am trying to do something about it, but when my mind is focused on things so completely beside the point of everyday life, it's hard to make progress. Like you say Jules, I really do have an addictive personality. I always need to immerse myself in something, loose myself in one way or another; it is what makes me able to cope. Not that it's particularly rough on me, I'm leading a shamelessly good life - there's always more to ask for, but I really don't need it when it comes down to it. It's just.. it's.. I.. Eh. I don't know. It's boring, and tedious, and bothersome, and even when I feel happy and good about things there's this restless feeling that I should be doing something else, somewhere else and for some other reason. Anyway, the addictions. The balance, I need to find it. After defining what it is I want and what it is that I need, I have to find a way to have both without letting one or the other suffer. So I want love, and in my opinion I have already found it (and yes, you can call me silly and tell me to get a grip or wake up or whatever, I don't really care. It's real to me! It's all that matters.). And I need a job, so I can earn money and thus be able to afford a home of my own... It all really boils down to the fact that I have to defeat this numbness I'm feeling. I wonder how I'm going to go about doing it... I've gone this far with the help of others, and maybe it's the simple fact that I will continue to need the aid and support of others to keep going forward. On my own I always end up slowing down until I stand still, feet sinking deep into the mud and making me become stuck. Ah, I love metaphors. First and foremost however, simply talking about a matter won't make anything happen. Action! Action is what will make things happen, slowly but surely, one day at a time. I'm sure there is progress being made as I speak, and I am sure that I will be able to see it someday. For now, i just have to try and believe the ones that actually do see and try to point it out to me. Please have patience with me! I'll come around, I'll get better and I'll do better too. Surely I will..

[Cailet]

Depression is slimy, black nothingness that is all consuming. I've suffered from it for a long time. Admitting that you need help with it is the first step. I tried to deal with it by myself for as long as I could, thinking and being told by others that medication is the cheap way out.

However, sometimes, there are just chemical imbalances that cause this feeling. Sometimes theyve always been there in an individual while in others, like me, it's triggered.

Go to a doctor. Tell them this. Trust me when I say I've been there and it can't hurt you to try. It really can't.

[Rista]

I actually went to a psychologist last year to get some help; we spent the sessions talking about many different things and working with CBT - cognitive behavioral therapy - and it worked pretty well. I still make use of a lot of the things she taught me; if I didn't, I probably wouldn't be where I am right now. Last time however, it was my school that was generous enough to pay for that therapy. If I went this year I would have to pay myself, and I can't afford that. I'm taking loans as it is to be able to study, and that barely covers the rent for my room and the food, with a little bit over for things like material expenses during class, and bus fairs for when I have to get into town. It's not that I don't know that I have a problem; I do. I am very aware. I also have gotten help in finding where the problem lies, and been given tools to work with in order to feel better. It's just not something that can be solved over a night, as I'm sure you are aware of. It takes time, and effort, and while it feels like nothing happens I can see for myself that things have gotten better than last year. I feel the difference, albeit not all the time. Yesterday.. It was bad. But that was also the first time in two months that things plummeted that far. It's pretty easy to trace my relapses through this scrap, to be honest. I've posted here rather regularly and honestly, and my highs and lows are written all over the scraps. It's like a cross-section of of my emotional roller-coaster, and while the difference isn't too remarkable it still visible how I've been feeling better for a while. Not entirely good all the time, but generally better. Things like that make me feel more positive. I tend to not believe things until I see them for myself, and apparently this scrapbook has become something like a therapeutic tool for me. The fact that I have someplace to vent and speak out at without needing to bother with the contents more than to a small extent is incredibly liberating. And it helps, since I don't have to go and carry around all the thoughts and troubles and worries that I might have. I can write them out, set them aside, and then try again to focus on the necessary things. So, Thank you, whoever the clever person was that suggested it was a good idea with a Scrapbook. It was an amazing idea, and I couldn't be more grateful. Now, to something decidedly more entertaining! At least for me.. Weaving! It's a lot of fun, but oh, so complicated. I finished weaving my scarf today! *makes a happy-dance* Since there weren't any looms available when I had finished warping threads to my towels I was set on weaving a scarf instead, so that is what i have been doing in school for the past two weeks. Today I finished it; it is about 2.4 m long, 45 cm wide and woven from thin wool yarn, the warp in white and the weft in a moss green. It's kind of thin, but I've been thinking of felting it together with a thin silk fabric, creating something that's called Nuno-felting. This is Nuno-felting. Pretty, right? You can do all kinds of things using this technique. I'll show the process some other time, maybe when I do my scarf? I'm not entirely sure how it will work out since I have a woven piece of cloth rather than loose wool, but I think it might work... gonna consult one of the teachers later about that, and try it out on a test piece before trying to do anything with the actual scarf. If it doesn't work, I'll come up with something else to do with it.. It's pretty as it is too, after all. Not my best pictures perhaps, but pretty descriptive anyway. Those aren't mine either; I took a snapshot on the others in my class while on the way to lunch about two weeks ago. Pretty, don't you think? This is the stage I am in right now, since I've been jumping onto the next project in line, in wait for my scarf to be taken down. I'm going to do a few samples of different weaving techniques, as well as weaving two towels/a table cloth using some of them. Here we are almost at the beginning. The warped yarn has been thread into a reed, so that I'll be able to transfer it onto the loom itself - pull it on, as we say in layman's terms. At least I think it's a good translation... In any case, tomorrow my warp will be added to the loom, I will heddle the warp, then reed it again, tie it forth and then, after tying the treadles to the right heddle, I'll be able to start weaving. Please don't mind if the words are wrong; I have no idea what all the parts and processes are called in English, I'm just translating through google as I go. Are you feeling confused? I am too, and I'm still being guided through all of this step by step. It is about as complicated as it sounds, you need to be precise and accurate when it comes to thread numbers, length, what thread goes where and so on... The largest amount of work when weaving goes into preparation. The weaving in itself isn't all that hard; you step on a treadle and the loom sinks a heddle through which the threads go, creating a path between the warp threads where you place a weft thread. You make sure the edges look nice, then you shift the treadle and pull it into the cloth you weave using the lathe(batten, not sure which is correct); add a new thread, push a new threadle, pull the thread down, and so on. Patterns are created through different ways of tying the heddles to the treadles, by using colored warp and/or weft, structure changes depending on the type of yarn you weft with and how hard you pull the threads together... It is an artform, and it's complicated, and I've never had so much fun in my life. We have a few different things we are going to do; the towels are one thing, and then we will make the fabric to a pillow, weave a rag carpet, make the wool fabric to a skirt we will sew in construction/sewing class, and a few other thing. We have weaving until two or three weeks before Christmas; I am so glad that we are able to do this. I've always wanted to learn how to weave, and now I have the chance to do just that, thoroughly and with skilled people around that know exactly what they are doing. I am spoiled rotten. You realize that this is what I'm doing -at school-? no math, no tests, no assignments or papers to be turned in, no nothing. All I have to do is go to the lessons and participate, doing what I'm supposed to do and when it's all done I'll get a certificate that says I've read a course called this and that, at a certain amount of points, and that can be added to my list of grades when I apply for job. Nifty, eh?

[Rista]

Not bad at all For being a normal day This day started off rather poorly, but on the whole I can't say it was all that bad. I actually overslept, something that happens surprisingly rarely. Normally I wake up slightly before the alarm clock rings, and grudgingly pull myself out of bed when I can't afford to stay in it anymore since I'll run late if I do. Today was different. Today, I somehow managed to shut off the alarm instead of putting it on snooze, meaning that when I woke up next and checked the clock it was 9.35 am. I start at 9.30 am. It kind of woke me up a bit.. Though only a little. I had this feeling of being half asleep as I rolled out of bed and stumbled around in the room, rubbing the eyes while dressing and searching for a pair of socks all at the same time. I kept yawning desperately until around 10 am when I finally got to drink and eat something during the break, and I can't recall half of what I did between entering the classroom and going out from the building. I was a zombie. A sleepwalking zombie that was kept awake by singing silly songs with my friend, while heddling threads on the loom... It is mindless work, something I am grateful for. Actually, I think I have a picture of it. Hang on a sec... Here. This.. this is boring! See those white things? Those and the sticks they are thread on are the heddle. Those white things have an eye, and through there you draw the yarn of the warp; the heddle is then attached to the treadles, and lowers when the treadle is stepped on, meaning that part of the threads are being pulled down and creates a tunnel, through which you then draw the threads of the weft. It's a lot easier to show than to explain, so I'll keep taking pictures and show when I actually get to weave anything. One thread in each heddle. There are about 688 threads in the warp.. meaning I have to give her those petching little strings 688 times, make sure they get in the right order, onto the right heddle (there are 4) and that they don't slip out again (knots are your friends!) Yay, progress! This is us being halfway done with it. The picture doesn't properly convey the horridness of that pink color she's chosen.. Let's just say that your eyes would have been in a poor state if you had been staring at it for several hours in a row. I think I'm getting allergic reactions to it.. After this, we had to do it aaaaalll over again, this time pulling the threads through the reed. This goes a bit faster, since there's supposed to be two threads in each eye on that one. As of right now, we are halfway done with that. When this stage is completed we will tie the loose ends of the yarn to a stick that in turn is attached to a wheel on the loom, making it possible to stretch the threads (and later makes it so that the whole fabric can be rolled up as you weave, making it easier to reach. I'll give you a few pictures of a loom later, so you know what I'm talking about.) Then we'll attach the heddle to the treadles, and then she'll be all set to start weaving. Hopefully, by then there will be a loom open for me, and the process will be repeated all over to set up my warp. So.. We got off after lunch today. The reason; Market Day! It's an annual event of the little town I'm currently living in, and decidedly one of the busiest days ever - because there's never anything happening at any other times. Seriously. The most exciting thing we can come up is generally to go to the store, which is about 15-20 min walk away from school. Though it can be made to last for a lot longer, depending on the pace you keep... Anyway, it was a market, and big enough to make school give us half a day off. I went with two of my friends, and I swear, it's like the whole island had invaded the place. People everywhere, music, the scent of sugar (from candied almonds) and food (everything from smoked sausage and fish to baked potatoes, wraps and hot-dogs or hamburgers) and people were milling about, laughing and stopping in front of my feet, and there was a small carnival in town too with carousels and lotteries, and loud music... I find it quite overwhelming most of the time, but the fact that there is both the normal fabricated junk as well as real handcrafted items, sheep-skin, knitted things, coffee-bread and pastries and so on makes it somewhat nicer than normally. I made purchases. I found a nice loose-fitted cotton shirt with a hood and a tighter fitted sleeveless tunic. I also bought candy.. MMmmmmm... Market nougat, marzipan, peppermint caramels, nut brittle... yum. Admit that you want to have a taste. All in all it's been a pretty good day. I had fun, and when I got to log onto Mizahar again I had a reply waiting for me. That is always nice.