[Harper's Scrapbook] Listen While I Harper On.

[Harper]

Okay, so I live in a fairly small town in Louisiana. The people here are very conservative and very religious, so I never quite .. agree with most of the things they believe. Although, let me state that I'm not a liberal, I'm actually a registered Libertarian, so I'm still quite conservative on a lot of things. Still, I disagree with a lotttt of things that people here think. I'm guessing that's why I've never really had many friends, since my parents raised me to "think independently" or whatever. I eventually formed my own opinions on things and such, and once I started voicing those opinions, kids at school began to shy away from me. Honestly, I've never really had a problem with it. I was fine on my own. I think I almost preferred it? So during school, I just went along my own business, usually reading or just studying for my next class. If someone were to openly challenge my opinion, I would gladly debate against them. It turned out ugly sometimes, usually resulting in me having to walk away because I was so angry at their bigotry. Surprisingly, having different opinions than the rest of my fellow students got me into trouble during class more than once. Several teachers basically told me to shut up because they didn't like that I was defending the lesbian girl that set next to me in my Sociology class, or than I was sticking up for the pregnant girl in my Civics class. I mean, those instances didn't even have anything to do with my opinions, honestly; I was just being a decent human being and trying to save these people from being ridiculed. I've just always hated how quick to judge everyone in my town is. They all claim to live for God, which is great--good for you. Then they turn around and isolate and judge other people, and then expect a gold star for being Christian. I'm just sitting over here with a "what the actual fuck" look on my face, wondering what the hell is going through their minds. Sigh. I just wish my town would move out of the dark-ages of hell-fire and brimstone and learn to be nice. /rant over

[Harper]

So, I've recently become a Nuit.

Secret :

I got a new webcam, cut my hair, and my hair is still black; all of that combined seriously makes me look dead. I find it amusing lol.

[Tabarnac]

A very well-preserved Nuit. If I get this stay-at-home job I'm hoping for, I'm gonna do black or blue or some combination of the two. Woot!

[Tabarnac]

[indent]PS I loved the Lisa Hannigan and the cellist. But the cellist made me think of other cellists... I'm not gonna put Apocalyptica up because I think they're well known enough, but if you haven't heard their cover of "Nothing Else Matters", it is sex. Here is some Rasputina, though. They rock more, but... hey!

[Harper]

Laura Marling is one of my favorites. I love her lots. Btw Dani, the Zoe Keating girl I mentioned actually worked with Rasputina, I do believe! :3

[Tabarnac]

Oh, cool! I actually posted this elsewhere awhile back, but not sure if you saw it. Hevia is a Spaniard who plays the Asturian bagpipes. Yes, there are still Celts in Northern and Northwestern Spain. Back in Los Angeles, I was in a dance company and I danced to this music (with two girls at the same time, natch). It's really easy to get lost in. Also, Vanessa-Mae rocks. Screw the haters. But I used to play the violin, so I have a thing for them.

[Harper]

ERROR I've been away for a few weeks as of late, and things have been kind of rough lately. A lot has happened in my life and I don't really like to burden people with hearing about it. But I guess I decided that I would just write about it here. This isn't me asking for any kind of attention or seeking sympathy. I guess I'm just providing reasons as to why I've been away and also, just to vent. Because, after all, this is my scrapbook and I'm allowed to fill it with (almost) anything I please. I'll put it all into a Secret box that way, if you don't wanna read it all, you don't have to. Secret : Okay, so I've had health problems pretty much my entire life. I don't have any life-threatening diseases, so I never really talk about them. I suffer from Celiac disease, which basically means I can't eat anything with gluten in it, & gluten is in pretty much everything. So it makes eating kind of difficult for me, but I've just learned to deal with it over time. I've also always had a lot of trouble sleeping. I've talked about it on my scrap before, but in recent months, it's been really bad. I guess about a week and a half-or-so ago, I hadn't slept in almost four days. I was to the point where everything was hard to see, I couldn't form sentences properly, I had trouble driving... etc. By day two of not sleeping, I lost all of my appetite. I stopped eating completely just because the thought of it nauseated me. My parents noticed that I was acting pretty weird, but I guess they were just too busy to really ask me about it. I don't blame them for it or anything; honestly, I should have gone and talked to them about it. But yeah, anyway. So on day four of no sleep and day three of no food, I felt numb. Everything was blurry, colors started to kind of bleed together in weird ways, I kept hearing whispers of people that weren't there. I was really concerned for myself but I was also somewhat intrigued. I guess the combination of not sleeping and my innate interest in everything just got the best of me. At the time, I saw it as a kind of experiment, so I wanted to see what would happen if I just let things run their course. On day four, I was at work. It was about 8:30 PM. I work at a Pizza Hut, so 8:30 is a pretty rushy time of the night. It's when everyone that hasn't cooked yet realizes that they need food and decide to order. I'm a cook, so it's my responsibility to cook the pizzas (obviously). When the rush started, I just kind of blanked for a minute or two and watched the tickets printing out. I was just kind of standing there alone, amazed at how the paper was printing out. It sounds so stupid, but honestly it was so amazing to me at the time. Eventually, my manager came over and screamed at me. "What the hell are you doing?! Why aren't any of these tickets made yet?!" I found her screaming at me humorous, so I started laughing. She screamed at me more, and then told me to just leave--to go home, because I wasn't doing my job right. Something inside me went off. I instantly started bawling. I was crying so hard that I almost threw up. She was asking me what was wrong, that I wasn't fired, I just needed to rest, etc etc. But I was just so exhausted and nothing made any sense. I started to scream at her, begging her not to fire me even though she told me that she wasn't. I didn't believe her. Then paranoia set in. I thought she wanted me dead, that she hated me and that she thought I was the most stupid person in the world. Then I looked around the store and noticed that all of my other co-workers were near me, whispering among themselves. I thought that they were judging me, talking about how much they hated me. I don't remember much of what happened after that. I remember falling to the floor and everything looking really weird. I remember screaming at paramedics. I remember being carried into an ER on a stretcher, and some woman whom I now know to be my doctor asking what my case way. "Psych" is all I remember the paramedic saying. I began to panic again, crying out for God and Mother Mary to save me. I guess in my delirious state, I fell back to my Catholicism. I felt something sharp go into my arm, then I was out cold. The next thing I know, I'm waking up in a hospital bed. I felt like someone had filled my body with sand. My limbs were so heavy. I took out my IV needle (which really hurt) and tried to get out of the bed to find someone to tell me what was going on. A nurse came in was like, "No, honey, I really need you to lay back down. I need to set your IV back up." I asked her a ton of questions at once: what happened, where was I, what was I doing there; I told her I couldn't remember much, etc. I was in the LSUS Psych-ward. When she told me that, tears automatically filled in my eyes. I remember thinking, "They finally committed you. They know that you're crazy. Now you'll be here forever." Anyway, later on, my parents came in the room and hugged me and told me how much they were worried about me. I apparently slept for about 20 hours via sedation. They told me about what happened at work (or at least what my manager told them and the paramedics). The doctor came in about 20 minutes after my parents go there. She started asking me questions. "Do you remember who you are?" "Do you know what happened to you?" "What all do you remember?" I told her that I hadn't been able to sleep in about four days and that I hadn't eaten. Lots of different questions and things were said afterwards, but basically my diagnosis was: nervous breakdown and series of panic attacks brought forth by lack of sleep and food. I thought I lost my mind. I thought I was dead, or dying, at least. I keep remembering a few things every day about what happened, but it's all still really fuzzy. Anyway, I got back from the hospital on Sunday (I went in Thursday night). They wanted to observe me and make sure I was okay because I was apparently screaming about how I wanted to kill myself. Which I don't, lol. They put me on two different meds, one for anxiety and another to help me sleep. Naming them isn't really necessary, I guess, so I won't. But yes. That is why I've been gone, and that's what happened to me. It was all really terrifying and I'm glad it's all over. I feel better getting it all out.

[Tabarnac]

Sending you happier thoughts, Garrett. Missed you.