My last scrapbook post was posted hastily when I was still a bit miffed. I think it needs further explanation, but not to clarify it for you people, but rather to clarify it for me. I've been going back through logs today, looking over things that happened in the past, and refreshing my memory about why some things just enrage me when the details have faded. One of the good things about this is that I take great notes. One of the second things about this is that I journal a lot both on a public and personal level. Back in June, I told someone on AIM something that has stuck with me and I think its really true. It's relevant to this conversation because it has to do with Mizahar's standing as a Community rather than just a website. Here's what I said when talking with someone who'd just retired his staff accounts and his PC..
"I think the biggest thing that drives Mizaharians crazy is that everyone has a view of the game and how they think it should be. The ones that really crack under the stress are the ones that try to mold it into being their view of 'should be' rather than accepting what it is or working within its flaws and merits. It's only as strong as the people that work on it and how dedicated they are too it. If it doesn't keep growing and changing, it will stagnate and fail."Mizahar has a great deal of strengths and weaknesses. All websites do. Some of them are even a blend of the two, meaning one fact could both be a strength and a weakness. One of those dual natured facts is that Mizahar is a community. Some people are lacking that in their real lives - a social connection maybe due to time, distance, circumstance, finances etc. So in a way, Mizahar becomes a replacement social life. That can be a great thing if you are say away from home on your first trip to college or say have just moved to a new city and haven't made fast friends. Its fun to have an online family when you log in.
In other ways it can be really bad too. While you might have a strong social life outside of the game, the others that do not tend to think about the game constantly. Maybe they work odd hours and don't have time for friends because they work when others sleep... maybe they just have issues with face to face relationships. I'm not judging them and truthfully I don't care either way. The problems that come to light are that sometimes, people fight to try to win their way into a dynamic that is forced online. They need to feel important, needed, loved and like the world won't turn if they aren't involved.
We ran into this in the last year. I do not believe that it was intentional, not at first, but someone really got what I would call addicted to this game and the people on it. They were a self-proclaimed peace maker and wanted everyone to get along. Fine. But the problem is, when there was peace, then there was no soothing they could do... and with an identity all bound up in being a 'big shoulder' when there's no drama going on, one looses sight of what one's place is in the game dynamic.
Now, none of this is a problem per say, but when you couple it with the fact that they try to be social with everyone, people start telling them things in confidence. Then, as a way to make others feel special, that 'great listener' repeats things to others to draw them into their folds. You all know the type. I'm sure there's a trope for it... a Mr or Ms. "Your secret's safe with me!" or
Keeping Secrets Sucks! So, during the course of knowing this individual and them trying to win my trust... I heard about everyone's issues without really understanding the broader implications of what I was really witnessing. I knew the exact moment someone was mad at me, and for what, why, when, where, how etc. I also heard who was mad at everyone else. Problem is, everyone else heard too that was in this individuals inner circle.
Some things you shouldn't know... ever.
So... what? Well, say you have ten people (persons 1-10) in a tight close knit friendship and then just half a dozen others that kinda sorta know the person. And because that person is getting a huge kick out of everyone's angsts, they starts telling person 1 about person 2's hurts. Then person t3 gets upset and hears about person 2's hurts from person one who heard about it from the social butterfly. Then person 5 gets involved, gets hurt because person 2 is hurt, and then one feels rejected because 6 is taking 5's side and trying to soothe 2... though none of these people are actually talking to one another. They are talking to the instigator and they are then relaying all the information second hand to everyone else while puffing up their chest and feeling important and trying to make it all better. Sure, they soothing feelings... or try too. But the truth is they are making things a whole lot worse. Person 1 didn't need to hear about Person 2's issues... nor did everyone else who jumped in to get involved because before long person 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10 are all mad at each other really in a way that should have never ensued to begin with... the instigator is standing in the middle of the circle feeling all proud because they've 'gotten everyone talking' and of course is 'not to blame for any of it'.
Yes folks... sound familiar? Sure it does. It was called Highschool way back when. If person 2 has a problem with person 1, then person one should hear it from person 2 face to face with no one running and playing tattle tail. That sounds familiar too doesn't it? It's called Adulthood.
Things reached a boiling point on the game. Everyone was mad at everyone else... it was absolutely ridiculous. And to this day I still think everyone, myself included, was as much to blame as the instigator was...
So... why is this all relevant? Easy. I was in the thick of things back about half a year ago... and heard ALL the dirt on all you people that were too. The minute someone had a butthurt and spilled about it I got a phone call. It stressed me out to no end. I also heard stuff other founders had said (true or not)... heard stuff other storytellers had said... and heard stuff I had told only ONE person repeated back to me by five others. Oh boy. Yea. It took about five seconds to figure out what was going on and step back. I even openly told the person responsible they were out of my circle of trust for repeatedly betraying it. They almost immediately quit the game probably because I told everyone else what they were doing and warned them against feeling the need to talk to this person about personal stuff. I also think they realized how big of a shitstorm they caused and how buried into a hole they got. Yea. Buried. Sometimes you have to bail for your own sanity instead of APOLOGIZE to everyone you hurt because its too hard to own up to your faults and move on.
Some people will never realize any wrong they ever did.
So.. people change right? You'd think we'd take a lesson from this... I know I did. I'm way more tight lipped about my irl problems or in game problems unless I am fine with someone repeating them all over the site. It happened once it will happen again. You should all be pretty cautious against this too because despite someone's charisma, once they stomp on your trust, they will always be suspect. I've even heard people whine about the instigator being gone and can't help but think to myself... "Hey, I wonder if you realize your "best buddy" told everyone about your irl boyfriend problems or your struggles at your new job... or your dislike of player X or your DUI... etc." Seriously. The things you don't know CAN hurt you. I'm not afraid to cut people off. With enough of these phishing AIM's being parried without comment they eventually go away. Why? You aren't feeding their ego.
(sample aim.. one of many many many over the course of months)
Instigator (1:18:19 PM): Anything super exciting going on?
Instigator (1:18:22 PM): Miza or otherwise?
Goss (1:18:40 PM): Not that I can think of. 
So yesterday I was upset because when I cut this person out of my life, I laid all this out to them and told them exactly why I was done with them. Now, months later, they want to come back to the game and begin playing again. They left by their own choice, but the minute they did all the trouble dried up instantly. I seriously mean that. There was some residual 'oh I'm sad they are gone...' but those people were not ones that really knew the person well.
So when yesterday I got this AIM from the person... who btw has had me blocked for 6+ months... but whom I have never blocked until yesterday... asking if they could resolve the issues...
Instigator (2:10:07 PM): I don't mean this in a bad way, but I would like to try and resolve what happened again.
Instigator (2:10:11 PM): Did I cause a lot of drama?
Instigator (2:10:17 PM): Back when I was on the site?
Goss (2:11:22 PM): I think we've said all we need to say on the topic. And all of this was discussed before.
Instigator (2:12:00 PM): No, I am really clueless. I feel a bit lost. Like, perhaps I unknowingly aided the drama, and then was faced with aiding it, and didn't apologize for that?
Instigator (2:12:19 PM): I feel as if we were good friends, and then something happened to make that sharply go downhill. And I am honestly, honestly not quite sure what it was.My response irl was OMG REALLY? SERIOUSLY? You poor goddamn innocent victimized creature. Some things never change. Ever. My AIM response was that I refused to talk about it. They went on to say everyone was asking them back (another 'wow, look how popular I am' statement from them) but that they didn't feel welcome if I wasn't welcoming. Well, hell no I'm not welcoming. Not after what this person put me through trying to drive me nuts running around soothing feeling and cleaning up the messes they left. You all probably saw the funny, charming, 'all american good guy' but quite a few of us saw something else too.
So... maybe they changed. Maybe they turned over a new leaf. But, saying that I've noticed lately some drama in small ways is starting back up again subtly. Hrm... coincidence? I think not. Now... not more an hour later something else happened to make me go WTF REALLY? I was told about it later that night. And please forgive me for repeating this... but its just too precious not to include.
Someone, who barely knew the instigator other than knew who the PC was, was AIMed out of the blue no more than an hour after I told the Instigator I wasn't being supportive of a return at all. Never talked to them before. Never considered themselves friends... and was given a hug, a 'just wanted to cheer you up' and a link to SOMEONE ELSE's BLOG that had made that person unhappy by doing something wrong to them and had written a blog post that apologized to that person. It was old news, but still a wound. The would-be victim of this newest gig was wise to the ways of this person and simply responded too them in a polite curt way that they had read it a while ago... and gave them no drama.
Now, what does that mean? What is that about? Phishing. The Instigator was dragging out old wounds, trying to see if folks were over them, and attempting to re-establish themselves as a shoulder in case the lingering butthurt was still there. Oh, if they ever read this they will deny that was the motivation, but to an outsider like me that looks EXACTLY like the motivation. Why AIM someone out of the blue you don't even know and phish for site dirt bringing something up that is frankly NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS and was already resolved (guess why? Because the two people were Adult when the issue happened and resolved it by talking... big shocker there right?)
So... depressing really. But validating too. Some things never change. Yea... another candid Goss post. Maybe people will stop sending me ridiculous AIMs if they keep winding up in my scrapbook.
