[Flashback] Turning into a Book (Zenai)

[Paragon]

Zenai : Zenai Skill XP Reward Running +3 Mathematics +1 Intelligence +3 Philosophy +1 Horsemanship +2 Riding +3 Bow +2 Observation +1 Bodybuilding +3 Sword +2 Shield +1 Lore: Importance of Names, A Fear of Horses, Spotting Game, A Common Nightmare, Being Brave, Disowned, Stable Footwork (basic), The Pantheon (basic) Other: N/A Ok, first off, I know you worked hard on this. There was a lot of detail and character development, and you did a good job. I think I was fair with the points, some of which will be useful for the Knights. The ending scenes were especially good. Now, some things I did notice were some technical mistakes that undermine your detailed writing. Just remember I'm not having a go at you, but these are things you should correct in future if you want to improve your writing. You have an issue with tenses. You switch between present and past tense at the drop of a hat, sometimes in the same sentence. You should just stick to PAST tense (did, moved, spoke, wanted e.t.c) for everything. It will make your writing much clearer. Another issue is view points. You're writing as Zenai, regardless of whether there are NPC's involved. You can't change from Zenai's thoughts to the Knight's thoughts in the same paragraph. You DON'T know the Knight's thoughts, so you can't write a viewpoint from anyone other than Zenai's. Finally, and this is just me being picky, generally you leave a break between each line of dialogue instead of clumping them all together. Overall, great thread, and great effort, just take heed of the more technical aspects of writing and you can't go far wrong - if you have ANY questions or concerns about this grading, don't hesitate to PM me.