Closed Penitence

What use is dignity anyway? (Fia)

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The Diamond of Kalea is located on Kalea's extreme west coast and called as such because its completely made of a crystalline substance called Skyglass. Home of the Alvina of the Stars, cultural mecca of knowledge seekers, and rife with Ethaefal, this remote city shimmers with its own unique light.

Penitence

Postby Laszlo on January 20th, 2013, 8:50 am

They weren't courting. Grievously nonplussed, Laszlo's rebuttal caught in his throat. Gods, she was missing the entire point of this gesture. She was hanging on his arm while he walked her to dinner; how much more forward did he have to be? Laszlo should have simply said something, but the thoughts and feelings in his head refused to be translated into speech. It was more difficult to be forthright than he expected, and historically, Laszlo had never been a poet with words.

Had anyone else asked Fia to dinner, she'd be blushing. Presumably, anyway. But this was only Laszlo, who had assured her he was far from refined. "How do you even remember—Fia, I haven't even been back there since… I don't…" With a final sigh, he surrendered. On the way, he began to internally make plans on how he would make do.

---


Cruel doubt and hesitation had firmly sown themselves into Laszlo's mind by the time they found themselves in the tavern's shadow. Fia went to the bar to get their drinks, and Laszlo was left standing at the table, holding his head in his hand. The Denvali was more difficult than Laszlo could have anticipated. If she were any other woman, she would have been intrigued by an Ethaefal's offer to dinner. But she was Fia, and everything that implied.

To make matters more complicated, much of this felt wrong to him. What would Abalia think if she were standing here? She had only been dead for the span of a season. Had he ever truly loved her if he was entertaining these thoughts about a different woman, or was he merely reaching for some comfort to fill the void?

Of course, Laszlo wasn't in love with Fia. He hadn't known her for very long, he just wanted to get closer. It was something he hadn't realized until confronted with the idea of her moving out of the apartment and living on her own somewhere else in the city. Despite the conflicts that arose from his evening form, he would much rather not be trapped in his silent home.

Fia wasn't seeing it, which made Laszlo wonder if perhaps it was a terrible idea, the things he'd been thinking.

An eyebrow arced as Fia indicated him from across the room. He tried to make out the bartender's expression for some context, but came up empty. When she returned to their table, Laszlo reluctantly took his seat. He pulled his mug to himself, thanking Fia while trying not to sound defeated. He'd let her order a drink for him. Whatever he had intended before was entirely for naught by now.

Suppose he could get a decent night's rest and try again tomorrow.

"Hm?" Laszlo lifted his mug and tasted his drink. "Not terribly picky, I guess. You recall I used to run a tavern. My associate was in charge of ordering our stock, and he was no connoisseur. The wine was worse. When things are consistently unsatisfying, I suppose you learn to compromise your values."

With a sigh, Laszlo rubbed his forehead with a free hand and tried to disguise his frustration as fatigue. Vainly he gave a partial thought to wondering what Sakana would do in his place.

"Did you order something to eat?" He nodded toward the bar, then took another drink from his mug. Ale was less satisfying in this shape, but that wouldn't be a problem for long. It was a matter of minutes now. He anticipated his shift in the same way one would about to yawn. "I don't even know what they serve here."

And hopefully she hadn't paid yet. This outing might not be completely unsalvageable.
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Penitence

Postby Fia Eaven on January 20th, 2013, 9:12 am


Fia nodded, "I told him to give me whatever was the favorite. I suspect it's going to be stew," she smiled, "It's always stew in places like this." It was a strange to imagine the smith in identical taverns in other places, but she had not always been in Lhavit. She had seen other cities and rooted about for work and temporary rooms while trying to find her fiance, then while trying to find herself. Both were elusive, she'd learned, and the latter would only visit when her back was turned.
Recalling Laszlo's tired gesture Fia's voice swung into the careful tones of concern.
"Are you feeling right? I'm sorry if'n I ruined your plans. You were in better spirits earlier. Probably wanted a spot with a view." Looking for courage, she drank more of her beer before pulling another subject out at its roots.
"Don't be cross," never a good beginning for any speech. "I wanted to come here round sunset, so that," she circled her eye with her fingertip, "Don't happen again. You may not worry nor care" she fought a swell of embarrassment, "But I do."
A bowl was deposited on the table, sparing Fia the continuation of that thought. She could have kissed whoever managed the kitchen. Plucking up the spoon, she stirred her food and blew on the broth to cool it.
"I'm glad you came and fetched me today. I had been meaning to talk with you about something on my mind now that you seem to be healed up." Fia had never been taught to dissemble and if she was shown how, she wouldn't have cared for it, so her announcement had the nuance of a horseshoe to the temple.
"I'm going to find passage to Zeltiva." The city on the other side of Mizahar, one of the furthest points from where they now sat.
"Me mother's family is there and they were asking to see me again years back. Just never got that far east since. Probably have to take a couple different ships to get there." Fia looked at her stew and pushed the vegetables around with her spoon like a dubious child. "Me Da dying got me thinking. Things change fast and we don't last forever. I'm looking to make a real home somewhere. Something stable. Family's good for that." She raised her eyes and they were uncommonly lovely because they were kindled for him. "I've been as happy drifting here as one could be, all things taken into account. Maybe even plain happy. So, thank you, Laszlo." His name sounded nearer the heavenly music he had lost when she made it glow.
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Penitence

Postby Laszlo on January 20th, 2013, 6:34 pm

She was trying to showcase him. Now it made sense. If the tavern owner knew Laszlo was an Ethaefal, he would be better received when he wore his Symenestra seeming. Laszlo sighed and took from his mug as he put together an answer. He wasn't sure whether to be grateful or mildly humiliated.

"Fia, you don't have to do that." Laszlo looked past her and stole a glance at the bartender, feeling suddenly self-conscious. The Lhavitian seemed to feel the Ethaefal watching him and turned his head, wearing an expectant look on his face. He was waiting for it. Rubbing his mouth, Laszlo's amber eyes returned to Fia. "I don't like to call attention to what I am. It invites questions that I don't have answers to."

Laszlo hadn't come to the tavern that night looking to have conversations about the nature of his existence. All he'd wanted was a drink and a quiet spot in the back of the room where he could brood happily. Of course, if he had so much as mentioned his name and race to the bartender, the attack might have been prevented. Now that he had seen what his desire for privacy could cost him, perhaps Laszlo would be more cautious in the future. But he certainly didn't need Fia parading him around in the public eye for good measure.

While Fia moved the conversation elsewhere, Laszlo gave another quick look to the bartender. He felt as though he were expected to perform a magic trick.

"My ribs are still in terrible shape, but go on." Something had been on Laszlo's mind as well. He leaned back in his chair.

Zeltiva. Not what he was expecting to hear. Laszlo narrowed his eyes, confused. At first he thought he might have misunderstood. Then he wondered if she was joking, but she kept explaining. Laszlo listened quietly, lips parted in want of something to say to her. There was a very physical sensation of his heart sinking into his stomach. The confusion he wore turned to dismay.

He was not certain where on the map Zeltiva was, but he knew it was in Sylira. That was across the Suvan Sea. It might as well have been the ukalas. If Fia left for the other side of the world, he'd never see her again.

The way she said his name made him pause. He would have smiled if he were less upset.

"Wait, you're leaving? How long have you—damnit—" Syna had finally dipped herself below the horizon. A brilliant veil of yellow radiance pulled itself across Laszlo's form, briefly illuminating the tavern. Momentarily a figure of light, Laszlo sighed and hung his head, rubbing his forehead with glowing fingers. The other patrons at the tavern looked on with interest, and the bartender was duly impressed. Once it was over, a Symenestra looked up again, retracting his claws from his forehead, and continued where the Ethaefal left off.

"How long have you been thinking about this? You never said anything." It wasn't really any of his business. "I thought you… or, we…" They hadn't even finished reading Persei and Gwyneth's letters yet. "It'll take ages to get there."

How could she thank him for his company? It had been no favor. They had both made each other's lives easier in light of untimely tragedies. Both were in a strange city far from the places they had once known. They had much in common.

But… Fia still had family. And she was choosing them over some tragic stranger. It made sense, really, it was the right decision. Just… well, some warning might have been nice.

"I'm sorry, I should be glad you have family to go back to. This is just a bit…" Laszlo softly laughed, then shook his head. He was still attempting to process this turn of events. "I wasn't expecting I'd lose a friend so soon. I wish you'd said something earlier. I wouldn't have kept insisting you stay living in my flat."

If Fia went away, Laszlo would have nothing left in Lhavit. "When… I mean, have you arranged it already? When are you going?" Perhaps it was too muc to hope that she wouldn't leave until Summer.
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Penitence

Postby Fia Eaven on January 20th, 2013, 6:42 pm


"Nothing arranged. It hasn't been on me mind long. I've put word at the docks to be sent notice at the forge for any ship heading south-easterly. Winter is when most vessels head south, so I don't think I'll be waiting long."
Fia looked at her food, feeling about as hungry as Laszlo now. He had raised a dozen long conversations in a moment's span and let them lurch back into raw forms. Nothing was completed, only shaped enough to give Fia a terrible apprehension.
"We". What had he imagined with the pair of them joined? Whatever it was, she believed it wouldn't endure. Laszlo was still pulling himself over a cold hill of grief. Fia was a tree on the path, a place of shade and rest, but she was not the shelter he sought. That was afar off yet and would be a more splendid thing than a woman who flung herself over his threshold because she couldn't carry her loneliness.
Or was pragmatism covering her eyes? No, the Denvali in her said, you have spent enough of your life waiting for a children's story you couldn't read. Tynan wasn't looking for her. The next city wouldn't glimmer with revelation. And the Ethaefal wasn't going to bring her to a house with a garden and cheerily watch her grow old. Priskil could keep seeking her sleeping lover's heart, Fia didn't have the years.
"That's beautiful, by the by," she said quietly. "I'm sure you've been told afore. I just never saw it close up. Like light breaking to pieces on water. And nothing else."
The smith would regret not eating, so she forced herself to begin the stew again. It might have been as awful as Laszlo warned, she couldn't tell.
"'Twas lovely, even with you swearing up the middle of it," she smiled, trying to bring something kind to the table. "Seems you're bound to be pretty despite your very best efforts."
Her efforts to conjure a warmer spirit had failed to raise violet eyes. Normally she would let them stay bowed to avoid the memories the whispered color dredged, but her chimes with Laszlo were waning.
"I didna expect you to seem so surprised," she admitted, "I mean-- I thought-- Zeltiva isn't the moon. You're not losing a friend. I'm just moving about. You'll never lose me." Heavy iron slipped into her promise without raising her voice.
"I hope you don't really wish that I hadn't stayed or you hadn't kept me. I'll be able to tell me grandchildren about me season with the Ethaefal, Laszlo. Don't have many stories like that." Her honesty was heartbreaking because it shone light on true attachment. "I don't regret it, and I won't let you make me."
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Penitence

Postby Laszlo on January 20th, 2013, 7:24 pm

Goodbye seemed easy for her, that was the worst part. She had enjoyed knowing Laszlo, but now she was off again and returning to the rhythms of her own life without him. When she attempted to lighten the conversation with commentary about Laszlo's shift, it only bothered him more. He closed his mouth and looked down at the table. The air between them would remain weighted by her grim news, no matter how she tried to make it easier on them both.

The Ethaefal struggled for words, almost knowing what he wanted to say but not entirely sure how sincere he should sound. The idea of Fia merely leaving him alone in his flat had been alarming to him. This was close to devastating. He had missed his chance. Perhaps he never had one.

"I don't want you to regret anything, Fia." Laszlo's voice was level and calm, but forcibly so. He made a scapegoat of Fia's bowl of stew, a visible sharpness in the way he stared at it, as if it had been the one to wrong him. "That wasn't what I meant. I just feel foolish now. I wanted your company and never gave a thought to how much you might be missing your family." Though she clearly mourned her grandfather, it had never remotely occurred to Laszlo how much she might think about her still-living relatives. How could it? He had no basis for comparison.

He took a long drink from his mug, swallowed, and sat in thought for another tense moment while he picked out what phrases in his head were safe to bring out. "I thought that I would have more time to get to know you. It seems everyone I grow fond of slips out of my life before there's ever a chance to… I don't know. Grow comfortable."

Laszlo was a young immortal, so there was always a fear that the short-lived people he grew fond of would only be fleeting moments compared to his long existence. They were afraid of that too, it seemed. He couldn't help but wonder if Fia was leaving before that's what she became, ironically turning it into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

No. This was about her life, not his. Laszlo shook his head, frustrated with his own conceit.

"I am losing you. Let's not lie. Or do you intend to write?" A bit harsh. Laszlo grimaced. "A letter once a year won't replace knowing you." She had brought joy and vitality back into his life again. Just when he thought he was alone, she appeared from the ether and kept him from getting lost in his own misery. But as soon as she came, she was leaving. Laszlo's life would return to its solitary state, the same as when he had first fallen to Mizahar. It felt like a cosmic prank, as if the gods were taunting him.

Sighing, Laszlo attempted to resume what he hadn't finished saying. Two clawed fingers pulled at one eyebrow. "I had thought… Well, this wasn't what I was hoping for when I asked you to dinner." He scratched at the back of his head, remembering that his gray hair was still in a ponytail. It wasn't as flattering of a look for his evening side.

He was being childish. Fia needed stability in her life and she was taking steps to find it, and all Laszlo could think about was what he was losing. Why punish her for what he was feeling?

"I'm being insensitive. I'm glad for you, Fia, I truly am. Family is important. I'm only sad to see you go." Laszlo met Fia's eyes with a solemn smile. "I suppose this means you won't be staying after all, then." The smile faded slowly. He indicated her bowl with a light gesture. "How is it?"

After finishing his mug, Laszlo motioned to a barmaid for a refill.
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Penitence

Postby Fia Eaven on January 20th, 2013, 7:42 pm


Fia's shoulders had pinched up as if they could protect her from the disappointment she was inflicting. She shook her head with a melancholy smile when asked if she would be staying. No, that wasn't possible anymore. Laszlo's banal question was met with her voice, reminding Fia to breathe again.
"Worse than I thought. But I tend to expect things to be good." It could have been about the stew or their whole conversation. "'Tis one of me flaws."
There was a long pause before she spoke again.
"I dictate," a word she had been taught the first time she attempted the action, "So I almost write." There was an apology in the answer somewhere: for leaving, for it being sudden or perhaps just for the complications her ignorance bred. "I'm not dreadful complex," her smiles were wan perfunctory shapes, "I'd have to imagine things to fill one letter a year."
Fia's spoon made a loud clink as she dropped it against the bowl. Quiet manners did not mean quiet feelings. She had been yanked to her feet and spun in place for the last few chimes. The smith had expected mildly sad answers, not the angry swipes of someone betrayed.
"Laszlo," Ever kind the sound; she was asking for his eyes to raise. "You couldn't expect me to stay in Lhavit anymore than I can expect you to come with me to Zeltiva. Or wherever I have to go in between to get there."
Fia barely smiled, feeling especially stupid. Her hands retreated to her lap and she twisted one of her fingertips in girlish show of nerves. The more he spoke, the more she doubted the edicts of her good sense. Gods, she was going to say something idiotic, she could taste it. If only she was as wise as her principles. If only she could maintain reason instead of fancy for over five chimes when he looked at her.
"But there is a very fine University there... One any hermit scholar would be glad to see," and for a moment there was a tremulous hope that if she couldn't persuade him, the charms of the city would. "Can't blame me for trying," her laugh was anemic, "I know I don't have any special hold on you apart from liking you very much. 'Tisn't enough." If it was, love would have spared her all loss.
The years had tolls and the currency was dear. Destinations, once chosen could not be easily shifted, if at all. Her game was folly, asking for more than she was due. And even if she won the gamble, would it only be a lonely whim he embarked upon in a season of vulnerability? When he awoke to the limitations of a simple woman's charms, he'd be marooned on the other side of Mizahar.
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Penitence

Postby Laszlo on January 20th, 2013, 10:43 pm

Despite the gravity of the moment, Laszlo looked down and broke into a flattered smile. "Very much, you say?" A breath left him in the shape of a brief, modest laugh, but he was skirting her actual point. It sounded like Fia was inviting him to Zeltiva with her. Unprepared for the offer, he fumbled with himself, wishing he could take a few steps back.

He couldn't. Could he? Just drop everything and leave for a girl he barely knew? Well, not barely. They had lived together long enough to warm to each other's company. Laszlo was fond of her and he didn't want to see her leave, but to travel halfway across the world with her on short notice? Why, because he thought she was pretty?

Still, there was nothing here for him Lhavit. Just an empty apartment, which had seen off three of his closest friends. His daughter was in Kalinor, relatively nearby but not exactly accessible. Zeltiva was exponentially further away from her than this place, however. Then again, she also had her own family. Laszlo was a bit extraneous to them.

"I… I don't know, Fia, I…" With the quick swipe of his hand, Laszlo loosed his hair, and then he rested both elbows on the table. His chin laid itself neatly atop his long hands while he played a thin black ribbon between his claws. "I have… well, the beginnings of a life here. I think. Seeds sown. Some vague obligations. I'm not certain that I could just pick up and abandon that so… so readily." Laszlo smiled again, but it was anxious and mirthless. "You'd really want me to come with you? You're not just saying that? I've been told I have a powerful capacity to pout. I can be very pitiable." His features loosened pleasantly, attempting warmth.

His thin arms lowered, but he kept his attention on the ribbon he wrapped between his fingers. "That was uncalled for. What I said about you writing. It just takes so long to send a letter, and someone else would have penned it." Laszlo shook his head. The barmaid finally paid a visit and refilled his mug from a pitcher, then wordlessly left. He took a drink and grimaced. It really was bitter. "I'm very fond of you, and I'd be delighted to hear your life was going well, but if I wasn't a part of it, I… I couldn't do that, Fia. Because I… I want to be. Part of it."

It seemed however that wasn't going to happen. Fia was leaving, and Laszlo couldn't simply uproot what little of himself he had planted here to chase after a girl. His worst mistakes had been committed out of blind passion. Altering his life to the degree she was asking would have to be done out of careful planning and much consideration, as opposed to the last year or so.

"I'd like to see the University, someday, but right now, Fia…" He sighed, raising his violet eyes to meet hers. The words left him, if he ever had any. The pleasing contours of Fia's face, the ever-patient expectancy in her eyes, the rebellious curl of her hair, it brought another sad smile out of him. This might have been one of the last conversations they would ever have. "I can't. I'm sorry. I will miss you dearly, but you'll have your family. You don't need me."

He visited his drink again, giving himself another thoughtful pause. "You've been a light in the dark for me since I've met you. You should know that."
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Penitence

Postby Fia Eaven on January 20th, 2013, 11:28 pm

If Fia had claws like Laszlo, she would have ducked under the table and began digging a hole in which to hide. She had clumsily offered half an invitation, seeing if he would supply the other portion, or even enough adamant persuasion to keep her still. As was sensible, he did neither, but uneasily pushed it back toward her feet. Laszlo had done too many reckless things and Fia had done too few.
"Enough to like me to stay, not enough to follow and far too much to write letters." They were no Gwyneth and Persei. Fia chuckled trying to pull the slats of iron off her heart. "Ah me. Funny how things go. Then I suppose, you're right." Her eyes were sparkling through sheer force of will, and her mouth quirked in a cavalier attempt at good spirits. "'Twas lovely while it lasted, Mister Ethaefal." She couldn't say his name at the moment without doing something dreadful with it. "Maybe you'll see the University one day."
The stew was lukewarm, bringing to light a new array of burnt flavors previously hidden by the scald. Fia was finished with it anyway. She tugged her cloak from where it hung over the back of the chair and draped it across her lap. She fished for mizas in its pocket, not being too careful with the amount, and placed them on the table, covering everything between them.
"Now be so kind as to walk me..." Home? not quite, "... to the Solar Winds. I'm getting two bells shut eye, then back to the forge." She stood because she could not bear to sit any longer. It felt like the whole room knew she had just offered and been politely declined. "I'll clear out after the midnight rest, when you're abed."
They were leaving whether he liked it or not. There was a grim stubbornness under the cheer she had hastily laid over her visage. Laszlo could tell he disturbed the shallow pleasantness at his peril. The woman was embarrassed and doing a commendable job of ignoring it for everyone's sake.
Fia waited for him to fall in beside her, before she crossed an inch toward the door. His arm was neither expected nor reached for.
During their brief meal, the snow had stopped. It had barely smoothed the edges of the bootprints that punctured the low drifts. As always, Laszlo drew up his hood, accustomed to hiding, especially in Fia's company. It was one thing to sit in a lit room, their heights made roughly equal, and another to loom over her, illuminated only by patches of skyglass and what scant light survived the journey from the heavens.
Though she had been adamant about fleeing, Fia hesitated beside Laszlo. Her bare face was tilted upward, watching him perform his reflexive ritual of obscuring what he was.
Her quick hand pulled his hood back, showing his gray face to the city again.
"Don't be shy, handsome." Her eyes crinkled as a fond smile thawed her tight cheer. A warm hand gently sought his elbow and rested in the crook. He was forgiven, even if she could not forgive herself.
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Penitence

Postby Laszlo on January 20th, 2013, 11:44 pm

Like the skyglass, the snow took in the moonlight and the shifting colors of the surrounding structures, and reflected it in a bright, hazy myriad. The quiet illumination of the city fell on both of them, wrapping them together while their boots crunched into a thin layer of snow. Although she was not holding his arm this time around, he lingered closer to her to help fend off the chill of dusk.

There was a rush of cold air as the hood of Laszlo's cloak was tugged back down. His eyebrows shot up as he turned to look at her. Fia's hand was looped around his arm before he could defend himself.

At first he was only astonished, the corner of his mouth pulling into a partial, disbelieving smile. A genuine dose of feeling breached the usual stillness in his eyes, and his expression became warm. Sincerity could often look out of place on a Symenestra's colorless features, but the lights from the city managed to make him look more Ethaefal than Widow.

Sighing lightly, he briefly placed his hand over hers at her arm and squeezed her fingers. "I am really going to miss you." Canting his head with a come-on gesture, Laszlo pocketed his free hand again and began to lead them back to the apartment.
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