First of all, when you give the Timestamp (Day, Season, Location and Time, the last one being optional), do so at the top of the first post on it's own line/paragraph.
Secondly, when you're detailing paying for anything, of course you have to be accurate and proper with the money, but you've no need to go into little details. Just have a little OOC bubble at the end of the post detailing how much you're deducting from your ledger and what for. Also, don't use actual numbers in text: use the words for them. For example,
twenty-eight silver rather than
28 silver.
Thirdly, roleplay on this site is in the past tense, not the present. I slip up on that too, now and again.
Aside from that, a good starting post, Zure. Tinnok, you are good as always, but you know that. I don't need to critique that much with you. I liked the ebb and flow of this story; it ended a little abruptly, but such fractious beginnings are not uncommon. I hope to see it developed further and, once again, welcome to the jungle, Kelvic.