[Twister's Scrapbook] Total Turbulence

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The player scrapbooks forum is literally a place for writers to warm-up, brainstorm, keep little scraps of notes, or just post things to encourage themselves and each other. Each player can feel free to create their own thread - one per account - and use them accordingly.

[Twister's Scrapbook] Total Turbulence

Postby Zoszem on February 10th, 2015, 9:37 pm

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Hey folks. Weird, this strange snake dude posting in a retired STs scrapbook. Right?

Well. A few who've been hanging out in the Chat would know already (since I've mentioned it) that I'm (formerly) Twister. So, I figured, after a while of lounging about and being mostly absent, that I'd post something up here and sort of explain and apologize for all that happened during my ST period and after it ended rather abruptly.

I stepped down. The ST position taught me a lot of things, first and foremost about me and my resolve and also about the life I've been living. I discovered that I wasn't as solid as I wanted to be and that my work ethic sucked. No joke, heh. My life had a habit of getting in the way of things but I refused to realize that this was a problem until the days before I actually stepped down. It was something that crept up on me repeatedly after I had to get reminders about my level of activity around the site because I had a habit of disappearing for weeks, sometimes months, at a time. This is unacceptable for any kind of ST, especially if they fail to post up notices ahead of time so their players know what's up. Usually I was good at checking PMs now and again so I felt that was enough, at least in the beginning.

Then I gradually grew to feel more and more guilty about it as the months passed and I couldn't log onto Mizahar without feeling a chunk of ice at the pit of my stomach, hyperventilating and fearing what I'd see every time I logged on the forums. I didn't want to be demoted. I didn't want to be a failure as a Storyteller here on Mizahar. I didn't want to disappoint the rest of the team, the players in my city, or heaven forbid... disappoint Gossamer. I have a deep respect for this site and the management that keeps it going after all this time, despite all the pressure it's constantly forced to survive through and, like now, the reality of being overworked and severely understaffed. Or, rather, not enough consumers giving back to the producer in order to keep this machine going. There's only so much juice to go around if no one helps press out more, you know? Either way... The last thing I wanted was to disappoint anyone. I ended up disappointing just about everyone, in the end, including myself.

I can't apologize enough for how things went down. For the longest time, I was stupid and refused to realize and admit to myself that I wasn't going to be able to make it with everything going on in my life. My life has always been chaotic, and with my rather dramatic health issues to boot I just couldn't be around as reliably as I wanted to. My health's been wading about the gutter for the longest time, but I was in denial and told myself (convinced myself, really) that I could still do it if I just made my mind up. And I thought I did. Many times. I can't even count the times I told myself and the people around me that "this time's the time! I'm going to do this! I know I can do this!". I made promises I couldn't keep and let down a lot of people. I'm so sorry for that. I couldn't do it. I still can't do it. Nothing's really changed in my life. Not for the better, anyhow. I've only now started to realize just how much of a fool I've been, and how much that has impacted people who really depended on me through my time as an ST in Sunberth.

I think what really stopped me from realizing I needed to go was the fact that I felt so guilty. Imagine how guilty I felt with everything I wasn't doing, and then... imagine letting go of all the things you were doing and leaving it all just lying there. I felt like I was still accomplishing some small kind of percentage of the tasks I should be doing, but that wasn't enough. That didn't justify me staying in the ST position because in the end I was just taking up space and blocking the view for everyone else to see how chaotic and bad things were getting all around me. I like to think I'm usually a good moderator. I like to think I usually know what I'm doing, that I have the situation under control. I never did in Sunberth, and for that... I apologize. I could never figure out how to set everything straight and I drowned myself in my own fears. I have a habit of overthinking things, and I stressed myself out just looking at all the things I thought I needed to do and ignored the most simple of things... like replying to threads. Running quests. Finishing storylines. Or finishing anything I ever started, for that matter. I think the only thing I truly managed to finish is the Player's Guide.

Or, actually... Not even that. It has incomplete sections and empty links to documents that don't exist. I had so many plans, and none of them got finished. I swore so many times that I would come back around, be active and run all the fantastic plots I promised I'd cooked up for my players. I talked to you all about them at times in Chat or through other Instant Messaging systems. ... But they never became reality. I kept people waiting, saying I was on it and promising it was on the way. Promising this and that. Somehow I thought the promises would force me to do it. Make it easier to force it out of me, somehow. But that never happened. The universe has a way to deal with these kinds of things, I suppose. Some call it karma. Oh, how I've tasted it. Bitterly.

But none have tasted it as much as the players of Sunberth. Or the rest of the staff. And Gossamer. Man... I'm so sorry, you guys. I never meant to be a disappointment to anyone, or continue to fool myself for so long that things were going to get better. I should've stepped back a long, long time ago and just taken care of things before Sunberth became a heap of issues I couldn't handle. I allowed things to run out of control, and for plots and storylines to die before they even got off the ground. For players to waste their time and putting their faith in me when I didn't deserve it, or do anything worthwhile with it. Thank you all for having so much patience with me while I was still trying to turn things around. At times that's what really kept me going. I wanted to serve you, the players, and I wanted to make something of the city that the Founders could be proud of and happy with. Weave awesome stories together with y'all. That never really happened.

And to think, I was even considering taking on even more work for a while, there? Hah!

Again, I'm sorry. I don't know how to put into words how truly sorry I am. I loved working as an ST, despite my own failures. It was a bumpy road at times, but it has taught me so much and made me grow as a person. I think my experiences with the rest of the ST team of past and present have really pushed me forward in my life off of Mizahar, and I will cherish that forever. Gossamer, you've taught me so much as a person. I know I'm awkward when I try to speak with you, but I try. Sometimes. I know how busy you are, and since I don't really have any happy news to share... I figure I should be quiet until I have something good to say, eh? :) Just being around you has taught me a lot about leadership and, to be honest, strength. You've made me more brave as a person. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate and respect you and your advice. I used to be afraid of you, like so many say they are, but not anymore. You're my online Hero(ine)!

... I know this post kind of sounds like a "I'M SORRY NOW BYE" leaving notice. I'm not going anywhere. I'm just going to stay mildly inactive for a while longer, though I will do my darnedest to squeeze out posts where they're due (I'm looking at Kavala and Tinnok, right now). I have every intention to stick around and make the most of my time here, and perhaps I will look into contributing again, more actively, in the future. Things are finally starting to turn over here in this turbulent life of mine, so... Maybe. :D

I love you all. I love Mizahar. Don't ever disappear on me.

And I'm sorry.
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Zoszem
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[Twister's Scrapbook] Total Turbulence

Postby Philomena on February 10th, 2015, 9:57 pm

I'm very happy to see you, Twist-la :). I'm sorry things did not go aw well as you wanted them to, but I look forward to seeing you around this way :).
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[Twister's Scrapbook] Total Turbulence

Postby Eleazar Victor Syroin on February 10th, 2015, 10:31 pm

A lot of things go wrong in life but I look forward to seeing you happier and less stressed. And as far as I see it you did alright as an ST; your Calendars always had me on the edge of my seat and you were a very kind and caring person to anyone you seemed to interact with.

My only worry now is that you will beat yourself up about this. Don't. Please don't. You tried your best and that is what counts. Now take it easy and enjoy yourself. :)

Thank you for everything!
14/14
Fast feet and an unsound mind make a man fly.
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[Twister's Scrapbook] Total Turbulence

Postby Zoszem on May 21st, 2015, 10:23 am

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Yup, here I go, posting in this thing again.

I just wanted to give a brief update on a certain thing. For the past month or so, I've been going through preparations for my surgery. The surgery's set for May 25th; that's now on monday. I'm going to get the Duodenal Switch surgery (Gastric Bypass and Gastric Sleeve fell in love and had a baby, essentially), and it's going to change my life forever. It's been a very long time coming, but it's finally happening now.
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Zoszem
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[Twister's Scrapbook] Total Turbulence

Postby Philomena on May 21st, 2015, 1:05 pm

Thinking SO many good thoughts for you :). Good luck!
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