[Torc's Scrapbook] The Soul Forge

[Torc Ironwood]

Hmmmmmmm.... My first entry, and its on a very special day. After spending 8 hours drinking, kissing a waitress, and strangely bowling... I have remembered its my anniversary. Today marks one year since I was laid off from my job. I don't want anyone to be sad, nor do I want words of cheerfulness. LoL I smell of smoke and rum. I still taste the lipstick from a rather good looking waitress, and feel full to the gills with food and booze. My friends have spent the day making sure I didn't remember, and it wasn't till the end that someone spilled and spilled the beans. So now in a drunken haze, what do I feel about my special day. I suppose I am sad that its been a year and I haven't found work, and I say sad because depressed is to strong and neutral isn't right. I am sad, I have come to realize that I have alot to offer the world, and have done so already. At my previous job, I corrected a quality problem that allow 0.5% more cancer imagining scans to occur in the U.S., Mexico, and Canada. That means that people can know if they have cancer or not. However, in correcting the problem, people thought that I was a threat to their jobs. I suppose that I am sad over people's egos. I look at the U.S. congress and senate and see men obsessed with their egos. I look to others my age, going to trendy bars and acting like they are in high school, and wonder when they will stop thinking that their egos entitled them or their thoughts. I suppose that in the end, our egos excel us to new heights, but also stop us from achieving peace. I have let go of alot of my ego and strangely feel more comfortable about myself then I did two years ago. I feel that I have been true to myself and strangely this time I received was for me to understand that. Hmmmmmm, I might feel sad, but in a way I am happier then I was when my identity rested on my job. I suppose that sadly, if someone asked me a year ago what was important, I would list a bunch of work achievements. Now, I know that what is important is truth. I might not be working or married or having children, but I feel true and right with the world. Strangely the only pressure I feel is the outside trying to get in. So I have to ask myself, what do I want? Well I want a good paying job that allows me to find someone and makes care for the people around me. I want a woman that makes me smile and go all stupid by just a smile on her face... think this impossible I have met several, and have done great things because of them. I want to feel the pressure back on my shoulders, because the universe didn't give me such large ones not to carry some load. However, this time I will know when to put more on and when to ask for help. Can I control these, well some of them I can control parts of and I hope the universe helps me understand which ones. Hmmmmmmm.... sorry needed to help this rum and coke disappear, after all I am a magician! Now you see the drink... *raises the glass* Now you don't! I guess I miss the people who I took care off and they took care of me. I was a supervisor and my employees were my family. At times I wanted to kill them, and at other times I wanted only the best for them. All to often I took the blows from upper management. All to often I made mistakes and hurt them. However, in the end they were my family, and just like real children... I hope what I taught them made them better people, because they taught me how to be a better person. Being a leader isn't about being an asshole... granted many leaders think that is the way. Instead being a leader is about making other peoples goals your own and letting them achieve it. A leader has a plan and a vision, but knows that his people are the owns who will do it. A leader doesn't make a fool look more foolish, but takes the time to teach him how to stop making the same mistakes. A leader realizes that his people might not have to love every moment of every day, but its his responsibility to put them first and that means you give them what they need to grow, not what they need to be comfortable. God, I don't know how many people I had to yell at to stop being lazy, but once they realized that they were suppose to work instead of playing mind games, they became happy at work. I laugh now, because most of my time was spent filling up their days with work, so that they wouldn't screw with one another, and I always made sure it was never pointless. LoL I can remember grinding my teeth as they grew up and became happy. Its to easy for a person to stop others from doing, when they know they can do it faster. However, I have more joy in the idea's that I spread then in the fact I did a good job. I suppose it about understanding what a group needs. You can join a group of people together by doing many things. I have seen some leaders try hate on people not of the group. "Damn maintenance isn't doing their job, we should file complaints!" or "Listen guys, I don't like it but upper management says we have to do it." I always thought that was a horrible way to lead someone. Instead, I tried to instill ownership for ideas and terrority within people. "Here are the new rules, some of you have told me they won't work, but why? and if they don't work, how can we work within them, but still achieve our goals?" No where did I blame someone else, that's too easy to point fingers, instead it about empowering people to do more and be more. Thats a leader and thats a human. If we were to empower people instead of putting our baggage on them, I wonder what kind of world would we live in? Also, I said empower... not enable. Alright, I must take a shower... otherwise I am going to wake up thinking that I should be looking for a woman that is a smoker somewhere in my house.