My Blug

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My Blug

Postby Vanari on April 25th, 2014, 9:01 am

I feel so tired. All the time. Sometimes I can forget my eternal exhaustion if I'm doing fun, engaging, or otherwise worthwhile things, but it always manages to creep back into my consciousness to remind me. I know a lot of people feel this way so hey what the hell why not stick it in as a scrap.

My weariness mostly comes from doing shit I don't feel is worth my time, or shouldn't be my responsibility in the first place. Sure, sleeping late doesn't help but this isn't just about a physical or mental weariness. This is a spiritual, emotional weariness. I have a manchild for a boyfriend, you see. And also a 90 year old grandma I live with. And a fat cat. And a million other obligations and duties regarding friends, family, rehearsals, clubs, etc. But the one that frustrates me the most on any given day is, without compare, the manchild boyfriend.

To begin with, what exactly is a manchild? Well, in most cases I've found a manchild is a boy with a more or less grown man's body but the brain and maturity and competence of that of a twelve year old. His mom/dad probably did most of the chores and whatnot for him all his life and it's kind of a miracle that this person is even alive still. You get shit like, not knowing you can't microwave metal, zero bathroom maintenance, and property destruction when drunk enough. Sometimes, you have a more mature and better developed manchild on your hands--one that can actually does stuff like wash dishes and stays relatively groomed--but socially he is still as about as aware and knowledgeable as an ape (sorry apes).

What do I mean by this? Self-absorbedness, obliviousness, total ignorance. No concept of things like showing appreciation for someone doing you a favor by following up with a thank you email or maybe even a 6-pack. No concept of doing things for others simply to show you give enough of a shit to do so. No ability to last longer than 4 minutes in bed and no motivation to believe anything other than he is basically a pro. At, like, everything brosky!

Don't get me wrong, my manchild boyfriend is a great guy. He's stupendously talented, fun loving, intelligent (to an extent), handsome, boyish, and has a disposition so sunny no one can resist it. He's also a musician and utterly useless when it comes to practical matters in life. Like how to treat his lady. Or cleaning. Or being useful, period.

I've never gotten flowers on Valentine's Day. I've never come home and not had to immediately begin doing chores because if I don't do them, they will literally never get touched and I'm only 24 wtf why am I doing this shit like I'm his fucking mom?! I've never not had to hear him complaining, to my face, about being hungry. I've never not had a hand in solving each and every one of his problems. Including those of infantile hunger. Or graduating. College. I've never gone about my day feeling any remote signs of security or comfort because I know someone's got my back. And I've never, EVER orgasmed during sex. /slit wrists

Now the Million Miza Question: Why not just dump him?

Because, my friends, lots of reasons. First, of course it's not all bad, because he's not all bad. I know, I know, everyone says that. But for real, it isn't. It's incredibly draining sometimes to deal with him (ahh who am I kidding A LOT of the time) but other times I feel this radiance of love for him when we laugh and do fun things together, or he's holding me tight and smothering me with kisses. The bottom line being, I don't know if our conflicts are solvable at this point and therefore the pros might outweigh the cons, or if I'm just fucking crazy. I mean, my previous relationship was torturous enough to make this practically seem like a walk in the park so...maybe I am!

Second, I'm pretty goddamn sure I'll just end up with another manchild in the disguise of a confident, competent adult. Or be alone until I meet someone who is not one. Neither of which are very appealing to me.

Anyway, enough of that. It's an issue, I chew on it now and then, eventually I'll sort through it all like I do the other miles of crap life likes to throw at me. All in all, I'm just tired of the fruitlessness of my actions. I'm dying to have my own place, with just me and my cat (and maybe some godly man of a partner who doesn't turn living spaces into nightmares and who does not yet exist in my life) so that I have full control over my environment. I salivate over the possibility of not having my shit moved, or things getting dirty as soon as I clean them, or dealing with other human beings in general. I just want to live without the interference of someone else's stupidity. And I want to grow my fucking basil plants without some fucktard fucking killing it with their magical fucking moron powers!!! *growls and snarls unintelligibly*

Alas, this dream cannot be realized so long as I have to face the $36,000 tuition of art school. Oh, and like everything else, it's rising. So I live like I do in the meantime. Do what I can to make the most of things, try not to be impatient with granny, and attempt to resolve conflicts with the manbaby. Will we all be fine and dandy by the end? I have no idea, but I sure as fuck won't be sticking around to solve any more shitty problems I have nothing to do with.

Ultimate Plan: Work my ass off, do everything I can to maybe get a job offer or internship after art school somewhere else/overseas/anywhere but here, and then move THE FUCK OVER THERE WITH A BIG STUPID GRIN ON MY FACE, NO HESITATION MOTHERFUCKERS!

Peace.
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My Blug

Postby Gossamer on April 25th, 2014, 5:54 pm



I hope you hurry up and cross paths with the right guy soon. You'll then be able to look back and see all your excuses for being with the wrong guy for what they are. The right guy is easy - not always but mostly - and picks up the slack where you are lacking. The right guy never makes you think you settled for the known instead of braving the unknown. The right guy makes your strengths even stronger and negates your weaknesses. Love yourself enough to hold out for your other half. If you get too lazy and settle for less you'll get what you deserve.


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My Blug

Postby Vanari on April 25th, 2014, 8:28 pm

Agreed, I hear and believe whole heartedly in these points. My first relationship put me in some seriously deep shit and I came out saying "never again!" I'm all for not settling, for raising the bar, for striving to live with the best one can offer oneself. And for the most part it feels like I'm succeeding in most aspects of life...just...this love thing is complicated and confusing for a relatively inexperienced youngin like myself. Most of the time these days I don't even consider it much of a priority. I got all these other big important dreams, like having a career in art, or getting my hands on those mushrooms that taste like lemon chicken, or figuring out how to make carrot scented candles...

In other words, I kinda just wanna do the things I wanna do and not pour my energy into something that can't be demanded or forced. Or maybe I'm just a dumb kid blind to the greater truths about myself. One of these days I'll figure it all out, hopefully. But thanks all the same for caring Goss, it's good to have someone throw down the unnegotiable things in life now and then. Also, nail polish post coming soon I promise, along with a couple added surprise goodies!
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Postby Vanari on May 28th, 2014, 6:36 am

So I'm on page 66 of Elliot Rodger's manifesto and I can't stop reading.

For those that don't know, here: May 23, 2014 Isla Vista

And for those who have heard, don't worry I'm not a guerrilla feminist or angry gun activist or qualified therapist. This is a completely different take on the whole issue.

Around the time that the shootings were happening, my boyfriend and I were reading the updates in horror, refreshing and searching for more news coverage until the whole thing had officially come to an end. I was frantically trying to reach my sister, who lives in Isla Vista and is just about to graduate from UCSB. Eddie and I both used to live there as well and are 2012 alumni of the same university. We remember that place as a source of many bests: of the best memories, best communities, and best lessons ever learned, both academically and non-academically. Suffice to say the shootings blew our minds and sent a rain cloud of tragedy to hover over our heads for the entire weekend, despite Memorial day and Eddie's own birthday. It's still here, and we're still talking and watching and reading about it.

IV has a huge rep for being party central. Is it true? Take if from a local: yes. BUT, if you're going to take my word for it, you may as well take the entire enchilada.

UCSB is an absolutely fantastic school largely because of its environment and atmosphere. There is a huge sense of openness, awareness, and community there. We Gauchos have so much pride we tend to overwhelm any and all events, just because we freaking love each other and our school so much. When you bike, skate, or walk to class, everyone around you has their chin up, face bathed in sunlight, and hair flowing in the wind; there's just something contagiously inspiring in the air. Even the community around UCSB--the buses, the businesses, the police--are all incredibly friendly and helpful. I mean, just think about it. Public transportation for crying out loud! All the bus drivers unanimously awesome and kind people. Even the hobos are sweet, I kid you not.

But for every light there is a shadow, right?

The shadow is not the partying. Believe you me, if you're open to and ready for the experience, a bonafide party in IV is a whole other animal, and an unforgettable one at that. You don't even have to get hammered or super duper high; just climb up on a roof or become one with the dancing crowd to set free, to feel that amazing energy. It's really that simple. Energy. Gauchos have tons of positive vibes and are not afraid to share. And it's honestly one of the best feelings ever, to be part of something so alive and uplifting.

To me, I think the shadow is when people outside of this throbbing community feel outcast because they just can't seem to go with the flow, just somehow feel they don't belong. I've literally never, EVER met anyone at UCSB who just hated the crap out of their college experience there. I have met people in other universities who said they transferred because they couldn't fit in or didn't like the environment, but no complaints to my knowledge within the motherland. This is probably because you have to be a pretty extreme version of a hermit to find life there unappealing. Hell, I'm a definite shut-in who went out literally everyday at that school. It was awesome and the only regrets I have are not taking even more advantage of it.

Here's what I think the problem is...I think most human beings, where ever we come from, what ever backgrounds we are shaped by, just want to be accepted. Just want to feel not alone and to find our own slices of happiness. Most of us when given the chance will embrace the opportunity to dance, to sing, to laugh with a total stranger. If we feel safe and welcomed, we can go at least a little bit out of our comfort zones. Inherently, I believe most people just want to love, to be loved, and to have a bit of fun. No harm in it and we all benefit from it.

But there are those of us who are afraid. So, so afraid that the fear we harbor paralyzes us, constricts our throats when people speak to us and keep us rooted to our chairs when others jump up to dance to the music.

I fully and freely volunteer myself as Exhibit A.

As I read more and more of Rodger's manifesto, I can't help but admit that I too felt many of the same things he did. My family liked to travel a lot but this often interfered with school schedules or summer pool parties my peers threw. I missed out on so many sleepovers, beach bashes, bonfires, so on so forth and was predictably resentful of it. And not long after I hit puberty I also discovered the powerful attraction of online gaming and became heavily addicted. I played games for exactly the same reasons Rodgers did. I had a lot of strife in my home life, I didn't really fit in with the kids at school, I had no interest in being some insipid little popularity-obsessed puppet, and all the boys I liked never liked me back. Fuck, I probably had it even worse than Elliot. I had braces, had never shopped a day in my life for trendy clothes, was into all the things "geeks" were into, loomed over most of the boys, and barely slept so I was constantly in a sleep deprived, barely functional haze. I was not a pretty picture, inside or out of my head.

The difference, of course, is I didn't go on a shooting rampage. Oh, that doesn't mean I didn't think the absolute worst of my peers at times. It wasn't even that I cared about having a boyfriend. Truly, I didn't, because 99% of the boys around me were either too short or too obnoxious or too rude or a combination of all three. It was mostly because of the girls. The most popular, ambitious, and over-achieving ones were way too clever for their own good, on top of being pretty shallow and underhanded. Mostly, I just felt like my peers were superficial, pretentious idiots. And the majority of them didn't make for every good friends either; most of them would ditch you in a heartbeat.

Of course, in retrospect, I don't still think they were all that bad. I had friends and everyone seemed to like me alright. But that was what went through my head almost like some kind of daily mantra each and every time I watched the popular kids bask in all the attention. It made me a little nauseous, and more than a little jealous.

The similarities pretty much end there. Because instead of feeling rejected my whole life, even while playing games, I discovered, to my utter shock, that I was a bit of a commodity online. Yep, you all know what I'm talking about. But that is a whole other can of worms for another ridiculously long post to prod and poke at. And what's more, I had two things Elliot Rodgers didn't.

First, I had faith in myself. However faint it was at the lowest points of my short life, however often I forgot about it. Not just pure narcissism or a sense of entitlement. I really did believe I was meant for something better than this initial pubescent mess, at least for my own happiness's sake. I may have been just about the ugliest duckling on the face of this planet, but I loved to draw, I was good at music, and there was so much in life I felt I still needed to do.

The second, and I think more directly influential, was that my life was far more stable. My parents, despite all their violent shouting matches and threats to leave forever, are still together (thank all the powers that be, I would be devastated if they weren't). We only moved once and that was with the approval of the entire family. We stuck by each other no matter how hairy things got and (almost) always apologized for the bad things we said or did. I had plenty of relatives who could turn even the foulest of my frowns upside down, and my grandmas loved me to bits.

I also didn't have Aspergers, but I was OCD and really as functionally schizo as a kid could be in that situation. I devoted a large part of my attention to how many times I tapped my foot in class, literally thought people were watching me all the time through uncovered windows, was often frightened because I saw screaming faces in trees, and all that looney goodness. Lots of people argue the difference between mental disabilities and mental disorders, but I'm so tired who cares right now let's just move on.

What I'm saying is, all the stuff Elliot Rodgers went through as an adolescent are incredibly common, and increasingly so these days. Just look at how many people have recently offed themselves due to unbearable bullying. And boy, did people seem to bully the crap out of smaller and weaker Rodgers.

His story may have a horrific, twisted ending that most of us don't share, but it does have a beginning many of us can relate to. And honestly, isn't that pretty fucked up? Shouldn't we be past these awful situations reminiscent of horrid pseudo high school 80's movies? Why do our youths continue to suffer in these ways, and we continue to repress our awfully similar memories? What will it take for people to stop simply trying to control kids, to beat them into the shapes deemed acceptable or ideal, and instead try to help them become the best versions of themselves?

I don't know, maybe it's just me. It's a topic that really hits home because I remember adolescence as being so, so incredibly difficult. And I feel honestly like it shouldn't have been, or didn't need to be.

Just last week I subbed an art class for a friend at this after school academy. It sits not 5 feet from a giant church, has fat plaques of all the saints and Jesus bleeding on the cross, and is painted almost entirely white. Phew, talk about oppressive. I had prepped myself beforehand to expect the absolute worst because my friend seems to despise the children she teaches. She told me they were unruly, unfocused, obnoxious, and liked to sing. A lot. So I was completely prepared for a pack of wild animals who might eat me alive if I didn't hold my ground.

To my relief, they were just what I had assumed they would be before my friend had gifted me with all her ominous warnings. They were the sweetest, funniest, cutest lot of Asian munchkins ever. My favorite was this crazy little girl named Amber, who had the typical bowl cut, a missing tooth, and constant dimples in her cheeks. She was hilarious and I encouraged her antics as subtly as I could without prompting anyone to rat me out for being some crazy, liberal, left wing hippy art teacher who had no respect for conventions of proper, conservative society.

Oo, guilty as charged.

Not so coincidentally, my friend's least favorite student is also Amber. And it makes me really sad. It makes me sad that Amber faces so much disapproval every corner she turns just because she is bursting at the seams with life, and that my friend can't learn to love the kid for her goofy charm. Also not so coincidentally, this same friend has never danced. I repeat, she has never danced! Ever! Not even at weddings!

How? How can you be in your mid twenties and never even attempted to bust a move or two? Why are you spiteful towards children who like to sing? Why do you feel physically disgusted when pasta noodles and rice grains touch? Why do some of us make it past that harrowing threshold between fear and freedom, while others wallow below it for probably eternity?

I want so badly to remedy this. I almost want to become a teacher just so I can do something, anything, right here right now. But I have my dream of being an artist and I'm torn. For now, I think I'll go back to that academy and wear a pair of steel balls. I'm thinking of asking the lady in charge, who seems to like me, if I can possibly teach my own little class. I want to call it something unheard of in these parts, like "The Me Class," in which my students and I will try every day to be braver, stronger, better versions of our truest selves. What is even the point of drilling them in math and english and a million other things when they will only grow up to realize they are lost and alone?

Oh, how I hate to even think about such seemingly inevitable futures! I want to help create change, I want to do it so bad. The academy owner still hasn't replied to me but I hope against hope she will.

Somebody needs to do something dammit!
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Postby Vanari on June 1st, 2014, 9:43 am

Only one picture to sum up my reaction today when my parents came to visit in the middle of a gaming session with friends. I had my headset on almost full blast and it was impossible to hear anything.

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Parents, I owe you everything, I know this. My life, my traits, my comforts, my very existence. But for the LOVE OF GOD YOUR DAUGHTER IS TRYING NOT TO GET MAULED BY ZOMBIES SO STFUUU! jkI'dneverswearatyoupleasedon'tkillmei'magoodasiandaughter...
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Postby William Renegade on June 2nd, 2014, 7:30 am

You know it's strange how I haven't been around here for months but I sudenly come back just to read this "blug". I'll admit, life's been tough lately and it's pleasant to read about someone I can kinda relate to. So thank you for that.

That being said now I just wanna analyse the crap out of everything you've wrote since then and give my own two cents to every interesting points but it's 2am here and I got work tomorrow morning. So then I'll just aproach your last point in your post about Isla Vista for the sole reason that how kids are raised can have consequences that many either don't know about or completely ignore.

The first part of this "mini" story that I find interesting would be your friend's proffessional position. Before asking yourself why she has never danced, which I'll agree is a sad thing in and of itself (sad as in "I pity her" not as an insult), I think you should ask yourself; why would she teach children if she doesn't like children? I mean to me it's common sense. If you like science, work with science. If you like kids, work with kids. If you like cars, work with cars. Find something you like and fuckin do it. So yeah she's got a steady dose of income, but obviously she doesn't like her job.

Note I'll admit my point is moot if that's only a temporary job until she can teach adults, in which case it's not that she hates her job it's just that she can't relate to her student cause she's 0% child at heart.

Anyway so the problem comes two fold. First she herself ends up having a negative perspective of her jobs, which leads to weariness, which leads to frustration, which leads to incompetence which inevitably removes the sense of acomplishment she should get from her job as she get less and less efficient.Hell it even diminishes her sense of connection to the world since she can't conect with the human beings she interacts with daily or leave any sense of legacy within them. This right here is one vicious fuckin circle. The second being the more obvious part that you pointed out so well; those kids are gonna feel left out.

Now the funny part about the second point is that if you take the time to analyse and ponder, it's fuckin everywhere. Not just in schools, but at work and even within homes. We live in an age where there is an obvious disconnection between people, regardless of what you'd think at first glance when thinking of all the ways technology has enhanced our ability to comunicate with one another. North America as a whole is a fantastic example of that. I mean we consume literal rivers, every year, of legal drugs meant to control our state of mind, the two biggest sellers being products like Ritaling to deal with ADD and anti-depressants.

Now maybe this'll mean something to anyone who's ever met someone on Ritalin. They. Are. Fuckin. Zombies. I shit you not a person on Ritalin can stare into empty space for a an hour and not ONE original thought will cross his mind. That means no imagination, no creativity and no reanilising of past event (cause normaly we all do that pretty often when we're alone (it's a little something called musing)). Sure their efficient at work and studying but there's no ambition left, no sense of joy or wonder. They're just empty machines until they get laid, drunk or high as hell so they can start feeling some form of goddamn stimulation again. Then there's the part about how they can even loose their sense of identity since they're on that stuff so much that who they are on drugs gradually becomes their real "self" which is made even more fucked up by the fact that this new "self" goes against that person's nature which is formed, as anyone can learn in a basic psychology class, between one's birth and the age of five, so BEFORE they start taking that drug.

I could literally go on for a page or two here.

And we get to the part that actually pisses me off. Not the propaganda around it that encourages people to drug their kids, cause of course the propaganders don't care, they have never experienced the consequences personaly. Not the pharmasutical companies that sell those pills with the sole intent of making profit, again since they don't experience the concequences directly and as such have no personal reason to act against it. Evil or not those people are just living their lives the only way they know how. What really rubs me the wrong way like a hand job with a sand paper glove, is the fucking parents that see their problematic child and instead of trying to deal with it, they drug the kid. So we get uninspired, unmotivated, undiciplined, possibly unloved kid that will gradually grow a long list of mental illness, will never be happy and who will have to pump his savings into more and more pills for the rest of his life.

(YES!!! Just four paragraphs to get to my point, almost went for 6... and now it's 3am. I'm not gonna sleep much tonight am I?)

Stop looking for quick fixes and look for a long term solution. I like that you brought up children because it is such an important subject. Kids are the future, literally. That we so generaly ignore their basic needs like love, attention, dicipline and encouraging their creativity and curiosity... Honestly it kinda scares me to think that people could care so little about their own children. What does that say about you as a person if you can't love your own kid enough to invest yourself in their life, other than financially? I mean let's ask the million dollar question here. What if Albert Eistein had been on ritalin his whole life? Guy was terrible at school and until the age of 25 he thought he'd never acomplish anything in his life other then to day dream about the universe (pretty standard consumer candidate here). If he had odds are quantum physics would not exist and most tech above a steam engine wouldn't exist either.

So I guess what I'm asking the world is, how many brilliant young minds, hell how many lives have we ruined in the past century simply because we give less and less of a shit about each other?
Last edited by William Renegade on June 2nd, 2014, 8:42 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby Vanari on June 2nd, 2014, 8:38 am

Hello there William! Glad to see you around these parts again, even if just in my horribly depressing blug haha.

I really like this point you make about drugs. I didn't even manage to get to it...there are just so many topics under the umbrella of "terrible things our youths get stuck with." You're absolutely right about it all. We keep poisoning our future and then we ask ourselves why everything sucks.

Quick fixes indeed. Everything in this country is about fast and easy, consequences be damned. I had a friend in college who told me once what it was like being on anti-depressants. She said it was the most horrible thing ever and she would never, ever take those drugs again. Just as you had described, she felt like a zombie with no feelings and she was desperate to feel anything at all. It was so shocking to hear it from someone I knew, and so saddening as well. Why do these drugs even fly? Who the hell are the really helping?

On the bright side she managed to win that battle and realized what that victory had done for her. It meant she would never let herself sink that low again. I felt her 100% there, because it's the same for me. The same for anyone who's gone past rock bottom, clawed their way back up, and looked back down only to say, "yeah fuck that shit, never again." I admire my friend deeply for her triumph.

I too always ask how it's possible not to love one's child to be a positive presence in their life. And not a positive one just by your definition, but by their's as well. I know plenty of parents out there love their kids to bits and just want them to grow up strong enough to face the hardships of life, but good intentions don't always lead to the best choices. We need to listen and be open to different views. Otherwise we're just dictators with zero consideration for other people's needs.

As for my friend, believe it or not she's an artist like myself. We went to school together up until highschool. The city I lived in during that time (and do again at the moment) is super, super conservative. As in you have to get all of your neighbors to sign a petition just so you can change your own goddamn front door. My friends couldn't even jaywalk without quivering in fear. That's how conservative. She's never been anywhere else, either. Born and raised in the same house, on the same street, in the same city. Still with her first boyfriend whom she met during prom and still mostly the same person she's always been. The person who hates conflict, will almost never stand up for herself in moments of discomfort because of this, and is all around super lovable but sometimes just much too cowed. I no longer know what I can say or do for these friends, other than continuing to be in their lives somehow. It's funny, they always think I'm the crazy one, but I'm just a small fish in a tiny pond. Outside of this city I am seen as the tamest person ever.

Hey William, some things are worth losing a bit of sleep for right? It's 1:30 am right now and I have to make it to an 8:30 unemployment meeting in 7 hours. Woohoo! I know this meeting will be boring as shit, so I have prepared myself with doodling supplies. But it's okay, at most it'll be only 3 hours. I've endured entire school days on less sleep.

In any case, if you want to discuss more crappy things in life feel free haha, I am all for that. I'm glad there are people in this world who feel the same about these issues.
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Postby William Renegade on June 2nd, 2014, 10:22 am

Well yeah it is kinda depressing but personally I love talking about this sorta stuff simply because there is just so many wrong things about our modern culture that to me it's just one giant puzzle. Not only is it satisfying as a chalenge but it's good to know the information is out there and at least someone is reading it, possibly even sharing their own knowledge and experiences.

It's just common sense that multiple heads are better than one anyway. Someone out there will always have just the right knowledge and experiences to find a solution to your problem. Amazingly enough though a lot of people don't ponder or discuss important questions anymore. Your kid's getting bullied, what do you do? Teach him how to defend himsef. Don't know how to defend yourself? Get him in a martial arts class, nobody's gonna fuck with him again. Ever. Then we get people that ask "but won't that just make my child violent". 1. unless you gave that kid reasons to be pissed at the world, no he won't be more violent. Violence isn't "fun" to commit, it's "pleasant" because it makes you feel strong when in reality human are pretty weak creature, which can be a very frustrating thing. 2. odds are it'll make the kid less violent because he'll be more aware from personal experiences of the consequences of violence. A good martial artist can tear normal people apart like wet paper, but how often do you hear about a martial artist going on a killing spree? It's always a gunner, and a bad one at that.

So here you got someone that might get bullied all threw his youth because either 1. the parents didn't look for a solution or 2. the parents didn't take the time to understand that solution. All they had to do? Fuckin google it (god I love google). All they have to do is take time away from their TV set and study a point. Yes it's neither pleasant nor interesting but it sure as hell is usefull. We always learn because it's useful. That's why schools exist in the first place. The best part of this is that if you start apreciating both the chalenge and the sense of discovery, then you've turned a chore into a contructive hobby.

Logic aside being creative is also useful, which brings us to your friend that's never danced. Ever thought of surprising her by dragging her to a club or party or, even better, an actual dancing class?

I used to be shy as FUCK in my teenage years (hell I still blushed easily at age 19 so that gives ya an idea of how fuckin shy I was). A solution one of my friends dared me to try was to just walk in the streets, preferably empty at first, each say the word "anus" turns by turn and with each turn we had to say it louder until we either got embarassed or until we couldn't scream any louder.

An ex girlfriend of mine had really bad self confidence issues. Out of the blue some of her friends signed her up to a pole dancing class (and now I kinda wish we were still dating...).

ps: About your relationship problems. This might be a strange thing to say but I think a good point toward intimate relationship is actually the very first one made in the bible. In the original hebrew text, when god presents Eve to Adam for the first time the words he uses literaly mean "she will be your partner in war". God's point being that their life (after eden) would be very difficult and that they would need to work as a team to endure the struggles ahead.

The right partner is someone who makes you stronger, not one who makes you forget your weakness.

Of course that's a bitch of a thing to even notice in a short amount of time so I think if you don't wanna spent too long in a bad relationship it's very important to ponder that regularly.
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Postby Vanari on June 3rd, 2014, 8:44 am

You know what's funny? Elliot Rodgers tried to learn martial arts...only he was terrible at it, like he was with most physical activities, and quit.

My friend is at the point in her life and personality where things are so stubbornly set that the only way she'd experience real change is if she was open to trying. And boy, is she the very antithesis of "open" right now. But it's alright, I'm not here to change her life, don't even think it's my place to do so. Can't make the blind see if they choose to be blind and all that jazz, right?

I used to be the same, and what cured me was moving the hell away from what I'd been stuck with for 18 years. At the moment, I don't think my friend will be doing anything of the sort, but who knows? Life has a way of surprising us, for good or for worse.

You make a good point about the relationship issue too...to be fair, I should be more supportive of my boyfriend as well. He's as imperfect as I am and I can't expect him to treat me one way if I don't treat him with the same standards. We're slowly making sense of things as we go. Some days I feel doomed, others not at all. Got no answers at the moment, only to just keep trying to be a better individual.

My first relationship was a bit of a doozy so I definitely don't want to get stuck in a bad thing for a long time...again. For the most part I think it's just because we're young and we don't have a lot of important things figured out. Sometimes that frustration bleeds into our relationship issues. If we can pull through and make it out of this mess alive, together and stronger for it, awesome. If not, well as always best to move on. But it's too early to say so just trying to be positive.

To be honest, I debated whether to even keep that post about my relationship issues. It was really negative and ranty even for my tastes. But then I thought about it and decided to keep it, if only just in the offchance that someone out there has the same problems and can benefit somehow from reading all these incredibly supportive and insightful replies.
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Postby William Renegade on June 3rd, 2014, 11:06 pm

You know, I think it's a pretty interesting fact that he gave up on martial arts in and of itself because it tells you a lot about his character. After all martial arts, unlike many if not most other sports, is only a competition if you participate in tournaments, which is always a purely voluntary thing. You can't be good or bad at martial arts since it uses a learning system based on repetition which ingraves the information directly into your instincts, making it an utterly thoughtless process. As such the only way one can be "bad" at martial arts is if he/she doesn't have the will to endure the training.

Now if we were in China 100 years plus ago, a normal modern american would probably give up the first day because the training used to be so damn hardcore. The problem now is that many if not most modern martial arts schools have "softcore" classes meant for people who just wanna whip themselves up into shape and/or learn basic self defence. So yeah, that he gave up clearly indicates he had low self dicipline and low will power. This is just speculation on my part but from what I've looked up about him it also seems that his drive towards violence was based on a thirst for domination, rather than the comon need to feel safe. With that in mind it would make sense that he wouldn't feel motivated to train seriously because it wouldn't make sense for him to endure pain for the sake of returning the pain others have, as he claimed (yup I'm insinuating it's possibly his own damn fault), caused onto him. He wanted to avoid pain above all else because he was bad at dealing with it.

I'd go on about that fella but I think I'd better stop, since most of my thoughts on it are based on far too little data gathered from several news articles. That and I really don't wanna waste my time reading some whiney bitch's manifesto/megarant. Although I'd love a shot at his perspective on women.

As for your friend, I do hope the bearded one (god (that's what I always call him)) helps her learn to be a child over time, since I'm sure she's got "being an adult" down. Lucky her she's surounded by children right now. Hopefully maternal instincts will kick in eventually.

About the relationship thing; so what if you were just ranting? If it got some frustration out of your system, good for you. If it helped you see your relationship in a new light, great. If it got you good suport and advice, fantastic. I'm seeing plenty of positives here.

Finally comes the part I wasn't sure to aproach, but what the hell. Now after studying psychology for so long, I''m pretty damn comfortable talking about sex in a relationship. From an analytical perspective of course, I firmly believe that what is intimate should remain within the boundaries of intimacy, sex being the prime example.If this makes you uncomfortable, I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention.

That said sexuallity has always been a pretty difficult subject. For one thing it's just a taboo subject amongst people with a conservative way of thinking. Another problem is that our modern world is so insanely sexualised that I feel the common perspective of it is becoming very warped, on both sides. Men seem to think they are entitled to women's bodies, often unconciously but still, and women respond to that by giving it up all too quickly even though they themselves have no significant desire to partake in said sex. Now I won't go into basic lust, everyone has at least one person who's brains they wanna fuck the hell out of at least once in their life, so it's beside the point.

The question I think many if not most women ask themselves is, what if I say no? What happens then? I mean I remember clearly how uncomfortable my last girlfriend was with the subject of sex when we first met because 1. her previous relationships had been rather meaningless or just plain old terrible, so I could tell she wanted to wait 2. She was afraid, as she repeated a few times in the first weeks, that I'd break up with her if she wouldn't give it up. Not only that but she openly admited to me that every last one of her friends (no exceptions (none)) were the same, even within realationships that clearly wouldn't work out and/or brought them no joy or satisfaction.

So my point here is, what about you? Do you want his affection? Which he can give you plenty of without taking any clothes off. Do you want him to fuck your goddamn brains out? Obviously not enough cause you still let him enjoy his diet of regular quickies. Let's be honest here, it's pretty unfair he's the only one getting any fun out of it, especially if he's enjoying himself using your body, the one thing that will always be yours and yours only till the day you die. Although I would argue that a quicky is a pretty damn boring form of sex, even for a man. Unless of course one of either side is in a hurry but they do it anyway cause both sides just want it so bad, that happens.

Good sex takes a long... freakin... time... You have to be teasing, to be playful. Don't make the physical feeling a priority, but rather focus on anticipation. Make it last for as long as your sanity can handle. You gotta let it build bit by bit, because an orgasm works pretty much like a bomb. The more pressure there is inside, the bigger the boom. If he can't be patient about it, make him (playfully of course). Who knows, you just might like it.

And most of fucking all. Find out what turns you on and encourage him positively to use that knowledge along with you and try to see how that goes. Fact is that real passionate sex is a mind blowing experience and I sincerely pity anyone, man or woman, who's never known it.

I think that's plenty enough for now. Do say if I'm being boring or weird or whatever, I actually love getting critisism.
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