My Blug

[Vanari]

Yep, exactly what I was thinking. His whole life he was surrounded by role models who gave something up as soon as the going got rough. His parents divorced, then moved about 20 different times, on top of changing their custody routine multiple times as well. Not to mention he was very privileged, so he got spoiled and so did the kids around him. All in all it seems his life was just one cop out after another and therefore left him with no self discipline for something like martial arts. He had self discipline in some ways to be sure; he could fake appearing harmless or radical, amongst other subtle things. But to do something that would really push him to work hard? Nope, not once. And again, he didn't seem to be the sole person in his life responsible for that. I'm sure having the parents that he had didn't help much at all. Another thing that really stood out to me is the fact that he never once mentions specific schoolwork or music. Isn't that weird? Because his manifesto, in my opinion, was really more of an autobiography. I thought it would be really whiny and bitchy too but surprisingly a lot of it is just a recounting of his life in meticulous and straightforward detail. Sure there were the usual "life is a cruel joke" and "no girl wants to be with me" garbage now and then but mostly it was just about his life from birth till death. So that being said, if you or I were writing something similar, wouldn't we mention music and perhaps something we learned in school? I mean, it's just strange that he never, not once, wrote about a band he liked or test he aced/failed. Don't know what it might mean, other than perhaps that he didn't have passion or skill for anything meaningful. Agreed, we could talk forever about this guy. I know a lot of people label him as a monster done deal let's not discuss the inner workings of a demon. But personally I just think facing what he really was--a lonely, messed up, irresponsible kid who never grew up--and what caused him to do what he did would do us all far more good. Better I think to face the truth unflinching than to sweep it under the rug and pretend it isn't there. Or, worse, tell ourselves a different story to make ourselves feel better. Because...well, what the hell is the point of that? Anyways, in terms of my friend I'd say we could hope for something more radical. I hope she just learns to be free. Free to be herself. Just let go! Who cares?! Sex is pretty important, and yeah it's got a weird reputation for being so pervasive in modern media yet so not honestly talked about often enough. I mean, every other thing we look at or take in is just saturated with it. But I guess, a done up version of it and not the real deal. I also think it has a lot to do with centuries upon centuries of both patriarchy and religion influencing it, but that's not really something anyone can undo or mend in a matter of my one lifetime. Based on my meager experiences so far, and putting any blame on society or media or what have you aside, I've come to the conclusion that there are two parts to this problem. The first is fairly simple--we're both not that experienced. The second is more complicated, because it has a lot to do with who we are and what we're used to. Everything else is fixable or compromisable. Being more adventurous intimately is technically not a difficult problem to solve, because you can buy toys and read articles and, well, just go at it. I have no problems on my end because my head is filled with all kinds of things the internet has been able to offer since forever ago. I probably shouldn't know not only what tsundere is, but also that it's part of a giant list of hentai categories. But I do, and that's that. Knowledge is power, right? My bf, on the other hand, can barely get over the fact that tentacle porn exists. It's just so weird to him as a concept. Not necessarily immoral or something, just really, really weird. For me, I just shrug at this stuff and go, "yeah Japanese fetishes are somethin' else." Two vastly different mentalities and amount of exposure, if you haven't been already able to guess. Now this matters because while such a thing is easily remedied (just get used to the fact that it exists and we'll all be good eh?) it isn't so much in the case of my bf. Not because he's not open minded, but because his whole life he has lived with very superstitious, very judgmental Mexicans. I may have endured something similar with my equally if not more judgmental Chinese relations, but I'm literally the only person doing anything art related to carry on the legacy of my grandma (who is a rare female impressionist painter to come out of the communist revolution still devoted to her art) so I can basically just tell people to eat shit and enjoy my full immunity to meaningless gossip. My bf, not so fortunate. On top of being a man and expected to be all macho and other bs, he's also the first person in his whole family to graduate from college. He has a LOT to live up to, and boy does his family gossip. Poor guy worries so much everyday about not being a failure that it drives him up the wall. He's just so wrapped up in his troubles and ambitions and desire to prove his worth, on top of his music making, that he tends to forget about the rest of the world. And worst of all, it makes him incredibly self conscious. To the point where he's always overthinking things and being overly cautious. This might not be a terrible thing in practical matters, but it is when it comes to passion, right? Because overthinking and passion don't really go hand in hand. I've always been impulsive and tend to rely on my guts more than really anything else. Which is not always good but there you have it. He's very much the opposite and he's a slowpoke in everything he does. Sometimes I love him for it, because he balances my otherwise completely unstable tendencies. But other times it's hard to be understanding because I just want to feel but he's too scared to open up completely. We've been together two years and he still is hesitant to just outright tell me he loves me. I would say it a hundred times to him a day, but I don't want to pressure him into saying it for the sake of saying it, and he's too busy overthinking to really notice. Sigh. This might all be TMI but whatever, like you said if it helps me vent then it's a good thing. I just feel like he's not ready or...something. And I understand, I really do. It's especially important for men it seems to get their shit together and know what they're all about. Otherwise they just feel aimless and incompetent and it really affects their psyche. I already know more or less what I'm all about, but my bf, still struggling. I'm ready to just fly forward at light speed, but he's stuck milling about, searching for answers. For now, there's no harm in me helping him look. I'm still working towards art school so I don't have any great career opportunities or anything ahead of me yet to risk sacrificing. For now, I stand by his side and do what I can to be there for him, as he does for me whenever I'm losing my mind. For now, I'm still willing to believe their is hope for us and things can get better. But I'm not one to stick around forever when something isn't working for me. Not anymore. So no worries there, I can handle that. It's just that the frustrations build up now and then and I need to rant somewhere. Also this is quite the scrap convo we're having haha. It's cool, it's been a long time since I've discussed anything so thoroughly.

[William Renegade]

You know, that kinda makes me wonder. If he became messed up because he was surounded by bad examples, why would he not notice something was off? Why would he not look outside for more respectable role models? Maybe I'm biased by my own personal experiences but even way back when I was just a little boy I had a tendency to have a rather negative perspective towards the whole cop out atitude. I saw it as something cowardly and unmanly, especially since my father and older brother were (and still are) just permanently oozing with it. So in the end my rather unique life led me to look for role models outside of my imediate circle of acointances and family member.

The role model I found? Spiderman! Well not specificaly Spiderman as a hero, but rather Peter Parker as a person. Even though I knew he was fictional I could see a lot of myself in him and I admired how cool headed and strong he managed to be even when his whole world crumbled down around him. He wasn't just mentally strong because he sudenly felt like it, like other super heroes, but instead a lot of the story telling revolved around how much he struggled with becoming strong, as represented by the countless scenes of him sitting on a gargoil, musing over all his problems. I wanted to be like that. I could see that that was real strength, something worth aspiring to.

So did young Rodger aspire to nothing? I kinda doubt it, otherwise he would have commited suicide much earlier. It could be possible that he had interests that couldn't be as easily aknowledged as art or acomplishment in school. Again I could be biased since that is how I felt as a psychology nut, a dicipline that was just beyond the understanding, or interest, of the average midle and high school student. It's hard to find the will to express yourself on your personal interest when you're never aknowledged.

In the end what really sadens me is that I totally agree with your perspective on it. It's extremely important to aknowledge what he really was. It's important to understand that he simply lived the only way he knew how. How can we judge a misguided person for macking a bad decision? Even worse is that, once again, the only thing this tragedy trigered was an extra push on gun control. Not a single article, that I could find, was about inquiring how he became like that and how to prevent it in the future. If his auto biography is as thourough and honest as you say, wouldn't it serve as a fantastic tool of understanding for that subject?

Anyhoo, onto the rest. For your friend, I don't think a radical solution is definitly necesary. As I've come to understand over the years, people change very slow, bit by bit as they live and learn. Sometimes the change may apear drastic, but I personaly believe those drastic changes are simply the result of someone finaly giving form to the knowledge and experience they've accumulated. Either it be by choice, or trigered by some event in one's life.

Now it's very true that sex is important. After all, it is the ultimate expression of our desire for affection and intimacy. So to sum up everything you've just said (and don't worry, there's no such thing as TMI in my eyes) his incapacity to perform in bed would most likely come from his fears of of not being up to the chalenge and I won't sugar coat it, pleasing a woman can be hard as fuck, especially if you don't know how to find the right buttons to push. Because of my personal interest in psychology, and other more personal stuff I won't get into, it felt rather easy for me in my last relationship. I mean, I've had a LOT of practice mind fucking people.

Also my last relationship was rather unique because we just had so much in common yet compensated so well for one another's flaws that it clicked almost instantly. Even during our very first conversations, she almost felt to me like a good friend I'd known all my life. In a more normal relationship it takes much more time to gain that kind of connection, and thus it can take a lot more time before passion really kicks in. Because of this I might even argue that it's not safe for a couple to have sex until both sides actually cannot help but give into that passion (without the usual help of drugs or alcohol), instead of rushing things just cause the guy doesn't wanna use his hand anymore, but that's a whole other argument in and of itself.

So really all you can do for now, as you've said, is be patient with him. Encourage him to find his own place in the world, cause god knows everyone needs that kinda help at least once in their lives. If being strict isn't your style, then be sweet about it, not only towards his emotional problems but his small every day issues as well. Like instead of asking him to clean himself up and then just do it when he doesn't, encourage him to do it with you, turn those chores into pleasant, love filed experiences. So what if you're holding his hand for a bit? Aren't couples suposed to do that?

Like I said above, people change slowly, no exceptions. Accept it from others as you must accept it for yourself and you'll be taking one giant leap in the right direction.

This really is getting pretty deep... I know this might sound a bit arrogant, but I'm just glad to know at least someone my age is keeping up with me for once. I tend to anoy/bore the crap out of people with this kinda shit. Maybe I'm just selfish but now I kinda wish more people would jump in.

[Vanari]

That's what I wonder too. Of course we have no way of knowing 100% sure of what his life was like, but it seems his father was mostly absent and his mother spoiled the crap out of him. I'm willing to bet that not only did having a mental disability make it harder to cope, but also just the fact that his idea itself of success was so horribly skewed that all the people he tried to look up to weren't the kind of role models he really needed. It's interesting that you looked up to Peter Parker I remember really admiring Lirael from the trilogy by Garth Nix called Abhorsen because she bore her loneliness and different-ness so admirably. Instead of moping about forever and ever she eventually discovered ways to strengthen herself as an individual. Basically taught herself a very difficult type of magic and well, from there you can imagine how misadventurous things get. Elliot Rodger absorbed a lot of media like we did too, but I think he was too much of an escapist. The way I see it is that there are two types of consumers in this world: the kind that only consumes to escape reality, to distract themselves for some time, and the kind that also escapes but manages to come back richer for it. Some people read a book, watch a movie, listen to an album, and get nothing but superficial enjoyment out of it. And others manage to dig a little under the surface and come out of the experience with new things discovered or learned. Elliot seems pretty much entirely like the former. I always feel sorry for people like him. It's like their whole life is a sham because they get nothing of substance from anything, ever. Right?! I feel like people should really give his manifesto a bit more attention solely for the sake of understanding what went wrong so we don't let it happen again. But no one to my knowledge as talked about his youth issues strictly as youth issues, not somehow related to mental illness or misogyny or guns. I mean it's all there in terms of relevance but again, for the thousandth time, it doesn't seem anyone gives a real crap about what young people go through. It's frustrating. On the bright side, I got an email from that academic after school thing today saying there was a speech and debate class open this summer for 4th-6th grade. I don't know what the parents expect out of this class, but if I get the job I am fully prepared to turn it into whatever the hell I think it needs to be. And they will goddamn thank me for it. True, change comes slow. I just hope the end goal is more radical, I think it what I meant. You put it in words well though, that whole process. I hope I'm surprised one of these days by my friends, as I have a few times in the past for them. We could all make good use of more pleasant surprises. You've hit it right on the money...it does seem really hard, pleasing a women, and downright intimidating for many. And we did click in the beginning like you described, and waited until we just had to give in, but yeah this seems to be a bigger issue than just passion. It's a scary thing for a lot of people, opening up yourself and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to who even knows what. I tend to be more brutal than sweet sometimes when I'm stressed out or something, but I definitely will work towards having a better attitude. It's one of my biggest flaws and I can only benefit from trying to improve it, with or without my bf as a source of motivation. Haha man I annoy the hell out of my family. My mom HATES it when I talk about anything remotely political, liberal, what have you during dinner. But sometimes I just can't help it because I learned something really cool that day and it's not often I get to have dinner with them and...sigh... You know, I've been wishing that all my life. That more people would jump in. But isn't that just generally the problem of most issues? If only, if only

[Vanari]

No complaining today, only good vibes