Completed Definition (Jorin Erithan)

[Rinya]

What if one did lead to the other? What did that say about them as a couple—as bondmates? Yes Rinya wanted to do nearly anything she could to make Jorin happy, but he didn’t realize that when he asked to take something from her it wasn’t something that was completely out of the realm of possibilities. Nothing that would forever scar her or change who she was deep down. It was all a learning process for her, what she could and couldn’t give. And it didn’t even take a long chime of thinking to know that she wasn’t likely to give this to him. Become a pet.

But he wasn’t asking that of her—he was just afraid that was what it would become. As if they’d boil down into nothingness. And he stubbornly clung to that foolish logic which didn’t actually make any sense. It didn’t matter what she said—or felt. He wasn’t going to budge on this subject and it hurt. To an almost physical sense. She wanted nothing more than to smack sense into his skull, but he even looked as immoveable as a stone. So there wasn’t any point in arguing further with him.

Jorin didn’t stop her, and part of her wasn’t surprised that he didn’t. He had never truly tried to stop her any time she had left him standing there. But she hadn’t had to walk away from him for quite some time. And honestly she never thought she would again—it was kind of a foolish concept really. This fight was bound to happen. Whether over the current subject or not there was no telling—but they never fought. She yelled, and he let it go. Only this time he didn’t let it go, he held on tighter than she did.

So Rinya stormed past him and slammed her door shut behind her as strongly as she could without fear of breaking the petching door. The moment the door shut however she leaned against it before sliding to the floor. There were tears burning behind her eyes and she bit her bottom lip in an attempt to hold in the sobs that were starting to build in her chest. One simple motion had pushed both their frustrations to the limit. And now there was nothing left but the aftermath to deal with.

------------

Rinya wasn’t entirely sure how long she sat crying against her door. Could have been chimes, or bells—it didn’t really matter. Their entire home had fallen into a deathly cold silence and her current state of undress made it very obvious. For the longest time Jorin’s anger across the bond made it easy to remain just as angry—it kept her warm until it faded and she eventually gave into the idea that she couldn’t just remain on the floor. Unless she wanted to catch a cold to go on top of the already wonderful night. So she dragged herself up from the floor and clumsily climbed into the bed she hadn’t touched in what seemed like forever.

The only problem was she wasn’t tired, physically or mentally. She was just sort of numb. She had been so very afraid this might happen—that Jorin would see things differently between her bird form and human. And Rinya had no idea where to go from this point. There were many things she would do for Jorin, but was it possible for her to actually be with him knowing he saw her two forms so differently? That he felt he could only touch one half of who she was, and shy away from the other? As much as she hated to think it—she didn’t actually think she could.

The thought made her want to cry all over again. Because she was torn between giving this part of her up—which wasn’t even entirely possible—or leaving him. And that seemed just as impossible. Even if she hadn’t loved him, the bond itself would be painful to break. And she didn’t want either of those options. Really she just wanted to go back to the beginning of the night and pretend the whole fight never happened.

And then there was another guilt eating at her. Rinya had shoved him—gotten violent with Jorin of all people. He couldn’t help the way he saw things and shoving him wasn’t going to change that. The violence she was capable of when she was angry scared her. Not even Jorin was safe apparently. Rinya groaned and pressed her face into her pillow, trying to will away the hurt and guilt. Jorin’s side of the bond had long since gone fairly quiet. If she hadn’t known any better she would have thought he was blocking her.

It had passed through her thoughts—but she had promised him she would never do it again, so she did her best to mute her feelings instead. But Jorin would feel it, she knew it. Rinya just curled further into herself and tried not to shiver. It didn’t matter how long she laid in the bed it wasn’t warm enough. Rinya was so deep in her own head she didn’t even hear the door to her room open. But her name being in called in the dark caused her to flinch. She felt the bed dip from his weight, but she remained still as possible.

”What do you want Jorin?” Rinya really didn’t mean to sound so cold, but it was hard enough to get her voice to work—much less sound friendly about it.

[Jorin Ertihan]

x

Rinya's question was strangely appropriate. What did he want? He wasn't even sure of the answer to that himself. Did he want the words they said to just fade into the past, pretend they never happened? No. He did not. They were truth, as painful as they were, and he couldn't take them back without denying who he was. Who they were. So what was he doing there? What was he hoping to accomplish? What did he want? Oh, why did this have to become so complicated?!

"I don't know," he admitted quietly. "I don't know what I want anymore..."

Jorin had never once yelled at Rinya. Not once in their entire two seasons of being together had he ever yelled at her and he knew exactly why. Yelling, for him, was something he learned from his father. A piece of Rosik that he'd picked up from years of being scolded, and admonished, and told that his work was not nearly good enough for the son of a brilliant mathematician. And every time he heard himself shout he felt Rosik's presence by his side. Rinya was right. You could never truly run from your problems.

"It was a stupid thing, what I tried to do, turning this into a question of whether or not you're a pet," he sighed.

"We both know that's never going to be how I see you. I was just so afraid that I might... never even thought about what you might feel." Jorin looked over at Rinya. She hadn't seemed to move or give any indication she was hearing what he was saying, but the bond indicated she at least was aware of her surroundings, so he pressed on.

"This was something I had to get over. Because ever since we first kissed, it was an issue for me, this whole 'pet' thing. You never once got mad about people calling you a pet and I always got mad about it. I couldn't understand why you could be so accepting about people calling you that." Jorin ran his hands over his knees, closing his eyes briefly.

"But I guess it's not really about that, is it? Because it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. What matters is what we think, and petch the rest of the world..." Jorin sighed softly. He needed to wrap his head around what he was thinking. What he was feeling. Ultimately it would determine whether or not they'd even remain together in any fashion, whether their relationship, or indeed even their bond, would survive this night, depended on whether he could accept this.

"Logic's a funny thing. It's so inexorable, so brutally efficient. Unshakable. But, if you can find even one tiny flaw in it, the whole thing comes tumbling down like a house of cards... I said that if stroking your feathers was the same as treating you as a pet, then by logical extension that meant that I wanted to treat you like a pet." Jorin barked a laugh. There wasn't much amusement in it.

"So many errors in that logic it's not even funny. My father would have a field day with it," he mused.

"It's almost funny, that I tried to use logic. It was my father's favorite weapon, you see. He used it on me all the time; to shut down every one of my plans, to dismiss every one of my dreams. And despite running so far away, he is still controlling my life. You're right. Love doesn't make sense. Never has." It was a freeing thing. To not have to think about logic anymore and focus on what he felt. What was so important about logic anyway?

"When I touched you, I wasn't thinking of you as a pet. I just... I did it because it felt nice. Because it felt right, and I wasn't even thinking about that whole pet thing. And that... that should have been enough. But I was so wrapped up in this idea that the action had to imply something..." where was he going with this? Jorin wasn't quite sure. The lateness of the hour, and the fact that Rinya hadn't responded to anything he said, rather worried him. Had she gone to sleep? He searched their bond. It didn't feel like she'd gone to sleep.

"You remember that night at the Amphitheater when that understudy stole a kiss from you? At that moment, I was worried that maybe I shouldn't kiss you so brazenly. You were so upset with someone taking a kiss from you without permission, at the time I thought that meant that I shouldn't either." He shrugged. It was true, at the time he was worried he shouldn't kiss her, or touch her, because wasn't he violating her rights as a person by doing it? Except he wasn't.

"It's the same thing, isn't it? Whether it's your lips or your feathers, it's more about who's doing it, and why, than what is being done. It's just that so few people here in Riverfall respect your dignity as it is. You being a Kelvic means whether I like it or not, they see you as a pet and I just... didn't want to be lumped in with the rest of them." It wasn't even a public perception thing, either. It was a personal thing; he didn't want Rinya to think he saw her that way. And by extension he didn't want to actually see her that way.

"Especially since I'm your bondmate, and your mate, I'm the last person that should treat you like that. So afraid to break it, I wouldn't let it bend." Jorin stood up from the bed and paced a little, running his hand through his short hair. The moonlight shining in from the window silhouetted him against the cold white light, and he stood there for a good chime.

"I guess it boils down to this," he concluded.

"I don't do anything by halves. You should know that about me. If I love you then I love all of you. Period. No exceptions. You're a Kelvic, and that means you're Rinya regardless of what form you take. If I didn't love you as a bird then I don't love you at all. And that's patently not true." Despite the softness of his voice, there was also conviction in it. If there was one thing he was certain of, it was how he felt about Rinya. Everything else was in flux that day, except that.

"As for the word well, it's more defined by intent than action, right? My mother often used to pat me on the head, gave me treats, and called me 'good boy'; but I would never consider that as treating me as a pet." Would his mother have still done those things if he'd been born a Kelvic? Probably. And Jorin knew she'd still have loved him just as intensely.

Really, if that had been his intent, Rinya would have definitely snapped at his fingers. Maybe even bitten him. He was sure of that; and more to the point he would have not blamed her in the least. If their relationship had ever devolved to that point he deserved far worse than a nip on his fingers. Rinya still hadn't moved, or spoke, and Jorin was seriously wondering if maybe she just... didn't want to speak to him right now. He could understand if that was the case. She was probably still angry at him...

"I shouldn't have yelled at you. A lot of what I said... I was ... I was wrong." Jorin forced out the words despite his pride crying inside. He did not like admitting he was wrong. Yet another 'gift' from his father. And perhaps his own pride as well. But he couldn't help but feel a bit hurt, when she didn't even respond to that. Maybe she was asleep, and he had been talking to an unconscious Rinya. Well, that would be embarrassing.

"Good night Rinya," he sighed. As he ran a hand down his face. There really wasn't much else to say. Maybe things would be clearer in the morning...

x

[Rinya]

It was tempting for Rinya—she wanted to snap at him. Let her anger take back over and shout at him that if he didn’t know what he wanted then he should get out of her room and just leave her be. But she had enough time to simmer in her room that she realized her anger now would be to simply cover up her wild insecurities. They had both said things that they weren’t exactly able to just take back. But he deserved a chance to at least get whatever he needed to say off his chest. That was what he was here for—even if he didn’t know it.

So Rinya didn’t move—didn’t even bat an eyelash to let him know she was still conscious. She was afraid if she did move; that he might bolt. And Rinya knew that it would be her turn to chase him. Because if they didn’t fix this now… well there was no fixing it at all. The longer it sat unsaid between them, the more it would rot away at them until they fell apart. And that was the last thing Rinya ever wanted. Knowing Jorin he would blame himself—and Rinya couldn’t even bring herself to blame him for the argument. She had been the one that got so upset that she yelled and shoved him.

Something he had to get over… well that was kind of an understatement. But the question wasn’t if he had to, but could he? He was right—she didn’t care how they saw her. The Akalak were blind in that aspect of their lives, but it wasn’t her fault. And fighting over it until she was blue in the face most certainly wasn’t going to get them to change their minds. It was touching however whenever Jorin bluffed his way through a conversation about her being a pet. Looking one way and feeling another. He pulled that trick a lot around Rhys.

Jorin finally understood what she had been trying to say from the start though. What did it matter what everyone else said? If he was fine by it, and she was fine by it—what did it matter in the long run? At the same time however Rinya got the feeling he didn’t quite reach that point. He may never—one of Jorin’s largest flaws was he was concerned about what others thought. Of her. And here that census was she was a pet. Which didn’t make much room for her logic. Just his.

Rinya was tempted to throw a pillow at him as he muttered about his petching logic again. She didn’t care about his logic—it just made things difficult between them. This was a perfect example of it causing more trouble than it should… but Rinya knew that there wasn’t much she could do for that either. It was a flaw she had come to accept because Jorin wasn’t perfect. He had flaws. It was hard wired into him to be that way. The very same as her father’s survival instinct embedded into her.

Jorin swallowed his own pride to apologize to her without actually saying the words. But the intent was well and clear trickling through the bond. It still felt strained between them, and Rinya had no doubt the effect was coming from both of them. But if she let him leave now—it became pointless. Sighing heavily she rolled onto her back and stared blankly at the ceiling for a moment. ”I can understand your difficulty with… accepting such an action Jorin.” Her voice was hollow, but at least it was there.

”The question is whether or not you can actually put it out of your mind. Because it’s easy to say it—but doing it is another issue altogether.” Pushing herself up on her elbows, she did her best to see his outline in the faint light. ”You’re so afraid to treat me like pet. And I’m terrified that you’ll treat me differently because I’m not human. And I don’t want to be human Jorin. I can’t live my life only being half of who I am.” The implication was there—everything she had thought about before. Rinya swallowed past the painful knot in her throat.

”I’m sorry your father couldn’t believe in you Jorin. And I’m sorry this is that hard for you.” He was battling with a part of himself over a part of her she wouldn’t battle. Not even for him. She didn’t doubt Jorin loved her completely, but showing that affection was something completely different for him. And she couldn’t ask him to betray himself if he truly saw it as treating her like a pet. That wasn’t fair to either of them. The alternative was clenching her chest.

”I don’t want to give up.” Rinya muttered. It felt like that’s what they would be doing. Unable to give on either side then that was all that was left between them. Giving up. Crossing her arms over her chest for the simple need of heat, she shook her head. ”I love you. Why is it so hard sometimes?” Rinya wasn’t stupid; she knew life wasn’t always easy. But every time they hit a snag, it was a big one. She wasn’t even mad that it was hard. That made their love that much more worth it—and that much harder to lose.

”I’m sorry I shoved you. It doesn’t matter what you said, you didn’t deserve it.” All in all he hadn’t actually said he was over the issue, and that still left them exactly where they were when the separated during their argument. Just no longer angry. ”It hurt… to have you pull away from me. Even if you say it’s your problem you still—drew away from me. Put up a wall like there was something wrong with me. My hawk form…” Once the anger in her head a faded she realized just how badly it did hurt—and how she covered it with annoyance and anger so she wouldn’t focus on it. She had no idea how to finish the sentence though. She just wanted to be treated the same—and he couldn’t actually do that could he?

[Jorin Ertihan]

x

Jorin wasn't sure if he was happy or disappointed that Rinya had spoken up. If she'd been asleep, he might have been able to simply get all that off his chest since he needed to, and then went back to bed. He was sure after enough bells of tossing and turning he'd at least get a few bells of fitful slumber, and some sleep was better than no sleep. And with the morning light would come calm and understanding and they could discuss it with clear heads. At least, that was the vain hope.

But then, the fact that she rolled over and answered him, showing him she had not been asleep, meant they could talk about this now. And he wasn't even sure if that was necessarily a good idea. He could sense a tiny bit of her anger buzzing across the bond when he began and was worried it would roar to life again simply because he was here. She'd directed her anger at him before but somehow this felt different. More personal, somehow.

He tried to listen as she described how she could understand the difficulty of accepting the action, about how saying it was easy but doing it was hard. But that hadn't even been the issue.

"Rinya," he said quietly, leaning back against the wall slightly, "Accepting it had never been the issue. If I had a problem with accepting the action I would have never done it. It was like our bond. Don't you remember? I kept arguing and arguing about did you want to be bonded to a failed actor, a loser with no successes to his name, and all that shyke." Jorin hadn't thought about those days for some time.

"We were already bonded. It had already happened... because a piece of me had called out to you. And a piece of you called out to me. We accepted each other, long before we even knew one another. If I touched you it was because somewhere inside I had long ago accepted it. Or I would have never done it." And that was the crux of the issue.

He couldn't take back the action. He'd already done it. And the logic was still sound that if stroking her feathers was the equivalent of treating her like a pet, then yes, that meant that somewhere inside he saw her as one. But the problem was the 'if'. Because it was not certain that was true. Not certain at all.

And Rinya mentioned that next, saying that he was so terrified of treating her like a pet. And that she was terrified he'd treat her differently because she wasn't human. And that hurt more than he was willing to admit. That she thought he'd be capable of seeing her differently because she wasn't human.

After all they went through together... didn't she trust him enough, didn't she know him well enough, to know that was exactly why he was so willing to be with her? That he was willing to accept her as a Kelvic? They had been bondmates before they'd become mates, after all. She herself had said one did not necessarily follow the other.

"I don't want to give up either. It's not... something I do." And it wasn't even stubbornness this time. It was pure Jorin: it was part of who he was. If he did something he did it all the way. He did not believe in half-steps. He would fight for this until the end of time, or until Rinya all but stated they were finished.

Jorin shook his head when Rinya apologized for pushing him. "No. I did deserve it. That was... not appropriate for me to say."

So it still came down to him being able to accept her in her hawk form. Because it was a part of who she was, and she was terrified that he couldn't accept that part of her. Couldn't love that part of her. And that wasn't true at all...

"I was scared of treating you like a pet. And that was why I pulled away. I was so worried that the action might be the equivalent of doing just that." He sighed heavily, rubbing his temples and squeezing his eyes shut.

"I didn't think there was something wrong with you, I just thought that I had done something that I'd promised myself I'd never do." There was a short pause as he tried to gather his thoughts.

"But I mean, I just said it, right? Treating you like a pet... there has to be the intent there. It's not enough to just have the action. I can't just be touching you like a pet, I have to see you as one..." And so that just left the one issue remaining. He currently did not see Rinya as a pet. Could simply touching her as a bird cause him to do so? Because if it could, then no, he should never touch her, ever again.

... that was absurd. It would be like saying drinking a single glass of wine could eventually lead him to become a raging alcoholic. More to the point, it implied that the single action would cause him to fundamentally change as a person. People did change. But not over that.

"Rinya, I don't see you as anyone but Rinya. No matter if you're an osprey or a woman, you're always just Rinya to me. There's no difference between the two... you're right. You're not human. You're a beautiful Kelvic named Rinya that I'm in love with." Jorin deliberately echoed the same words he used in the hospital room, so many days ago. It seemed like forever, but it was appropriate. Because she'd been worried about it back then too...

"And you preen when you're nervous, you like to fish out the bay when you have things on your mind. You love to fish there, but hate getting salt in your feathers, and spend bells cleaning it off when you get home. You prefer fish raw but eggs cooked, and you tend to whistle at me whenever I do something wrong..." Jorin paused a bit there. Would she understand what he was trying to say?

"Remember when I told Farline I knew a million things about her? Well I know two million things about you. I don't bother memorizing such things about someone unless I love them..." Two million. One for each of her forms.

"I just needed to... redefine a few things in my head, that's all. I will still never treat you like a pet. But I don't think just touching you would be enough to do that. I'd have to see you as a pet while doing it, before it would be true. And that will never happen." He wasn't sure if he was getting through to her. There was really only one way to prove it to her. Only one way to show her.

"Rinya... could you do me a favor? Could you shift for me... right now?"

x

[Rinya]

Rinya couldn’t help but snort over his reminder of the past. Of course remembered him arguing about bonding to a failed actor—it was the first time she had gotten mad at him. Apparently he was the one who forgot that she was the one that insisted it didn’t matter. Jorin was already bound to her and there wasn’t a point in fighting about it—but even before he realized that fact, she had been the one to tell him that she didn’t care how he saw himself. It was him she wanted—not the actor.

”Neither of us give up easily.” Rinya muttered more at the dark than him. If they gave up easily, then their little argument wouldn’t have gone anywhere in the first place. Both of them were stubborn to a fault, and this just proved it. But Jorin had an easier time fighting for what he wanted than she did. She was still learning the effort it took to even go the distance to keep what she wanted—a price Farline learned the hard way actually. Violence wasn’t something she was proud of, but if it was necessary…

”There isn’t anything you could possibly say to warrant me getting physical with you Jorin. Not even if you came to me asking to break the bond. You had your reasons—even if it didn’t come out quite right.” Her shrug was probably lost in the bed, but seeing as Jorin never actually set out to hurt her—then she really had no reason to be violent with him. Short of purposely breaking her heart anyways. And trying to picture Jorin being that—ruthless—was pretty much impossible. He couldn’t even bring himself to hate someone out to ruin his life. He forgave people far too easily.

”You didn’t have to think something was wrong with me Jorin. It’s how it felt. Because you can’t distinguish the difference between simply loving me, or treating me like a pet in my bird form.” Rinya did her best not to snap at him, but the words came out a little harsh. He was still refusing to see her side of it. So focused on how he felt about something he wasn’t considering how it made her feel. And maybe it was selfish to want him to understand that.

Jorin brought up Farline—again. She felt her fingers dig into the blanket across her body in a furious attempt to keep from yelling at him again. Why did the petching woman have to be brought into everything? It seemed no matter what she did to drive Farline from their lives; she was practically sitting over them—trying to ruin them. Maybe Jorin didn’t pick up on that vibe, but Rinya certainly did. Maybe because she was the one that had to deal with the vicious side of Farline. The woman was all acting when it came to putting barbs into Jorin’s heart. Rinya dealt with the ugly side of the woman.

”Would you please stop bringing that petching woman into everything!?” Rinya growled, trying her best not to glare at his form in the dark. Farline was a sore subject for both of them, and given their night it was completely likely just the name of her could start another ‘war’ between them. She got the idea that he loved her at one time—that he couldn’t hate her. But that didn’t mean everything she said was gold—much less when it was useless barbs in an attempt to make him doubt her.

”Redefine all you want Jorin. But the fact you already said ‘you don’t think’ tells me you don’t even know what to make of the whole situation.” It sounded to her like he was still trying to convince himself of ‘new’ point of view. Rinya could appreciate the attempt, but if she caught him pretending with her of all things just to get past this argument… She wasn’t even entirely sure what she would do. There would certainly be another fight, there was no doubt about that.

His request caught her slightly off guard. And it caused all sorts of warning signs to go off in her head. Just a few bells ago he couldn’t touch her without thinking he was treating her like a pet. Now he wanted her to shift—to possibly put up with the fact that he couldn’t do this so soon? Rinya sat impossibly still for a long chime before she pushed herself up into a sitting position. She was tempted to remark this was probably a terrible idea… the wall was still there, up between them.

But even as she shifted into her hawk form, Rinya relied on one fact and one fact alone. That she loved him enough to have faith in him. If that broke well… she’d deal with it later. But sitting on the softness of the bed was difficult. Her wings half spread across the bed to help her handle her balance. But she didn’t move otherwise. He got what he wanted—now it was time to see if he could finish what he started.

[Jorin Ertihan]

x

It was probably useless to argue the point with her. That he felt he probably deserved a lot worse than a simple shove. He really did; his words had been a low blow and they both knew it. It was why he hated arguing or fighting with anyone, because it always devolved into that sort of attack if it went on for long enough. He thanked the gods his anger usually burned itself out quickly. He couldn't even imagine the sort of depths he might sink to if he was the type who was the slow burn, who could stay angry for days at a time.

"[...] Because you can’t distinguish the difference between simply loving me, or treating me like a pet in my bird form."

Jorin was only able to catch that second part of the sentence but it cut through his heart like a knife. If that were the case, if that were true, then he wouldn't have loved her to begin with. He'd have seen her as a pet since the very beginning. This wasn't something that could be learned. For some people maybe it could be, but for him it either was or it wasn't. Yes it was true that people changed. Sometimes dramatically.

But the fundamentals of who a person was never changed. Those defining features that made them who they were... if that changed they wouldn't be themselves anymore. Jorin himself wasn't his face. He wasn't his flesh or his bones or his memories. Jorin Ertihan was, fundamentally, the man who could forgive his worst enemy. The man who could talk to an osprey as though she were a person. The man who loved everyone and never wanted to fight...

There were a lot of things that could change about him. Had already changed, to tell the truth, and a lot of it had to do with the woman lying in front of him, but those basic truths about him had never changed. And he wouldn't want them to. So the idea that he could not see the difference between treating the woman he loved as a person, and as a pet, it stung at the deepest level. Did she really think he couldn't tell?

Jorin had mentioned Farline really only to point out the fact that he knew much more about Rinya despite the relative short time he spent with her, but the very mention of her name brought out a fresh wave of anger from Rinya. At first Jorin was surprised, but then he frowned as he realized he had been bringing her up a lot. He really needed to stop doing that.

In fact, if they ever got past this argument of theirs he'd need to sit Rinya down and they'd have to have a discussion on excising Farline from their relationship. There was no room for her in their hearts, and he'd had enough of her interference between them, even if it was just the ghost of her.

Rinya's final statement caused Jorin to blink in the dark. She probably didn't see his reaction but could probably feel it. He didn't know what to make of the situation. It was all so new... this had never been a subject they'd ever brought up. Whether it was appropriate for him to touch her at all when she was a bird.

He had always assumed it wasn't, but perhaps that was quite literally all just from him. It was all just from him, if her anger and reaction was any indication. She never indicated that she did not want such contact, and she just implied throughout their fight that what hurt her most was that he thought something she enjoyed was somehow wrong.

Apparently his request had taken her by surprise, because Rinya sat up but stayed human for quite a while before a bright flash of light caused her to be replaced by an osprey. It was quite clear she did not think any of this was a good idea. Was probably terrified that he would hesitate, would not be able to touch her without thinking or worse feeling that it was wrong.

Could he do this so soon? So soon after his own issues had already come up, could he touch her without worrying about treating her like a pet? Now it was Jorin's turn to be still for a good few chimes, not moving as he gulped down a lump that had formed in this throat. Rinya was shuffling a bit on the bed, fluffing slightly in the cool night air, and he could sense the nervousness and fear emanating from her.

He knew what she was afraid of. That he couldn't bring himself to touch her, now that everything was out in the open. That this was the moment their love fell apart. That he couldn't see her as the same in her bird form and therefore did not truly love her... when his battle inside was for a different reason.

Could he just... redefine, as he said to her, so easily? Was it really that simple? Jorin struggled with himself as he wondered if he could go through with this. It would be, in a sense, easier to simply tell her it was too soon. To apologize to her for making her shift so late at night, to beg for more time to think, to gather his thoughts and come back to her days later.

But Jorin knew in his heart there wouldn't be a 'later'. If he didn't do this now, or if he displayed any more hesitation than he was already displaying, it would be over. Certainly their love would be shattered. And possibly even their bond... Jorin wondered if Rinya would actually be the one to sever it. He wouldn't blame her if she did.

Taking a deep breath, Jorin just strode over to Rinya, who had been trying to balance herself with her wings to stop from tipping over on the soft sheets. It was clear her talons and general form were not intended to roost on such a surface, and if the situation wasn't so dire Jorin would've laughed a bit at the sight.

There couldn't be any hesitation in the action. The longer he hesitated, the more he'd start thinking and that would just lead to him hesitating more. He'd just spent three bells thinking, he didn't need more time to do that. If he hadn't come up with a decision by now he would never come up with one. That was how Jorin was.

He thought long and hard before making any major decision. Turning over the pros and cons until he became sick of the whole process, before going over it yet again. But once he made the decision he stuck with it; he went through with it with no hesitation or doubt or concern. He'd already wrung his brain out thinking about it, so the actual action itself needed no such rumination. Nor did he ever waste his time regretting a decision already made. If he had the potential to regret it, he wouldn't do it. It was that simple.

He sat down gently onto the bed near her, trying to be careful not to disturb her position too much. Her perch was unstable enough as it was, and as funny as it might have been to have her tip over, the act wouldn't have as much impact. Once he was sure she was not about to fall down, he reached out - no hesitation - and gently ran the back of his hand across her chest.

Continents did not explode. Ivak did not rain fire and destruction across the land. A second Valterrian did not occur. Even the silence wasn't broken by his simple act. Nothing happened, except now he had touched her as a bird, and he still only saw her as Rinya. Why had this been so hard before?

"I don't even remember what I was feeling when I drew my hand back the first time," Jorin mused as he started stroking her feathers gently. "Oh, I remember the thoughts. But I can't remember the feeling... I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing."

Jorin could feel the logical side of his brain sobbing, crying out that he was ignoring it for something that made no sense whatsoever. It had been doing that a lot these last few seasons, really. It did it when he bonded to Rinya. It did it the first time they kissed, the first time they made love. Each of those times, was not an act of logic but an act of love. And love didn't make sense. Didn't have to make sense. Shouldn't make sense. And that was what this was. An act of love...

"This is nice, isn't it? I can't believe this was so hard for me the first time..." The more he did it, the easier it became. And really, was this treating her like a pet? He didn't feel that it was. Plus, Rinya hadn't bitten him yet, and he was pretty sure she would if she sensed anything of that nature across the bond.

"I guess it's the simple things that can be the hardest to accept, sometimes. But... I do love you, Rinya. I always have. And I always will."

x

[Rinya]

Jorin seemed to be the one hesitant to move this time. While Rinya sat—to her best ability—across the bed, Jorin remained exactly where he was. With the extremely poor light she could barely make out his form and for some reason that just made the nerves all the more harder to deal with. She had felt his hurt from before, over her statement that she had felt hurt by his withdrawl. They were on two sides of the opposite spectrum. Rinya wasn’t even entirely sure they could understand the other at the moment. The whole night was starting to catch up to her, and in the dark of the room it made everything more—real.

Despite the progress she thought she had made over the last season, the one thing that hadn’t changed was the drive to run from him when things got bad. Rinya had observed several relationships of others fall apart over the harshest of arguments. Rinya herself didn’t actually believe they were that… delicate. But part of her couldn’t help but wonder if there was permanent damage done to their relationship. It honestly terrified her, that there could be part of them unable to move past this fight. Even if logically the fight was over and neither of them was actually holding any kind of grudge against the other.

But the longer it took Jorin to move, the harder it was to ignore the feeling that it wasn’t fixable. The stress had even caused a the physical effect of her panting slightly, beak parted. Jorin had been right of course. Her nerves made want to preen her feathers in an attempt to deal with everything instead of out of simple care. It felt like a full bell before he finally moved from his spot against the wall. Rinya nearly tipped over from the shifting weight on the bed and she had to actually flap her wings several times to keep herself from falling forward. It was kind of embarrassing actually… being unable to hold herself up on the bed. In the very least Jorin wasn’t laughing at her—though at the moment there was still so much tension between the two of them laughing would have been—unnatural.

He reached out, stroking her feathers gently. Not in a glass about to shatter kind of way, but a familiar way that he often did to her skin while they lay in bed cuddled to one another. Jorin continued the action, musing that he didn’t remember what he was feeling exactly as he did this the first time. She did however. He had been calmed—he had enjoyed the sensation. But she couldn’t quite tell what he was feeling now, certainly nothing he had before. And if she could have in her current form she would have sighed. It seemed complicated again despite the fact he was overcoming a fear of his.

It was an instant shift beneath his fingers. Feathers to skin and she was kneeling on the bed. Heavily she adjusted herself so she could sit more comfortably on the bed, eyes locked on the bed in front of her instead of him. ”You were calm… when you touched me the first time.” She shrugged half heartedly. The words swimming through her head made her head pound and part of her wanted to keep quiet. Silent.

But the other part knew it wasn’t wise to keep any of it inside either. Jorin was the firm believer of no secrets—and while they were questions and not secrets… only Jorin was capable of answering them. ”Are we… are we damaged now?” The question came out in barely a whisper, and she wouldn’t have been entirely surprised if he didn’t hear it. But the silence in the room made it feel like she shouted it. Her nerves had shifted from fear of his touch, to fear that they may never be the same again.

”I mean… I don’t know anything about fighting, in a relationship.” Rinya finally shifted her eyes to look at him shyly. Terrified, but for completely different reasons than before. He was going to feel it, she knew it—she just hoped that he didn’t take it the wrong way. It would be very easy to do—she did it quite often. ”I’ve only watched people separate from afar. I don’t want… that. For us.” Rinya tried to plead the best she could with her eyes despite not being able to see him very well in the dark. She wanted him to understand where she was coming from with this.

[Jorin Ertihan]

x

"I remember the calm," Jorin sighed, as Rinya shifted back.

"I said it, remember? During our fight. I liked it. I was having a bad day, and I wanted comfort, and that simple act provided it. I do remember that." He shrugged.

"I don't remember it feeling wrong, either. For a brief tick, before my petching logic got a hold of it and everything went to hai, it was just fine. It was natural..." And that was the key. If there was to be any chance of this being fixed he had to focus on that fact. That it had felt right, in that moment.

"What I don't remember is what did I feel after? When I drew back my hand, I mean. I just simply don't remember." He was certainly feeling frustration now, of course, for not remembering. But still...

"I do remember this though," Jorin stated with absolute conviction. "I never felt that it was wrong. Even after I drew back my hand there was never a sense of wrongness. We're bonded... you would have felt that too." And really, that would have destroyed them, Jorin was certain. If he had felt that it was somehow wrong to touch her, would have been a wall too high for them to climb.

"I've never loved a Kelvic before. I'll admit, much of this is new to me. And maybe... maybe I just didn't know how to love you as a bird. But just because I don't know how to show my love for you doesn't mean I don't still love you..." Jorin's voice cracked a bit. Was he actually going to cry? That would be... embarrassing. But he really did want to love all of her. If he didn't, he'd have stayed in his room. And in the morning, Rinya would have been gone, he was sure of it.

"We're not damaged unless we want to be, Rinya. And as far as I know, all couples fight. My parents had some epic ones. Mostly over me. They stayed married for at least twenty years. They're still married, as far as I can tell."

Jorin could feel it. Pure terror, and Rinya was almost trembling with it when she asked if they were going to separate. Was she afraid that this was the event that was going to destroy them? He had to admit that terror was gripping his heart too. He didn't want them to separate over this either, but if that was to not happen, they had to resolve this.

Jorin just simply didn't know what to do. This wasn't a situation he knew how to fix. Even though he and Farline had fought before, it wasn't the same. Because in some sense, theirs was not a true relationship, not like what he had with Rinya. And though he knew their love was strong enough to withstand this, he could feel the terror from Rinya, and the implication was clear. What if it wasn't?

Jorin decided drastic action was necessary. No more baby steps, or small words, or anything of that nature. Rinya had mentioned before that he was the one who was the most dedicated to preserving their love. Had been at the beginning when she would have run and he had to be again now.

He reached across the bed and grabbed her by the waist. He figured that, for once, Rinya would resist his touch. Because she'd think that he only touched her because she was not a bird. But he couldn't just let things stand. He honestly didn't know if this would be the right action to take. There was no guidebook, no instruction manual for how to repair a relationship. Just emotions, and the person you love, and you had to try to make it work.

He wrapped his arms around his mate, even despite the fact that he was quite sure she'd struggle. He wondered briefly if finally he was taking something from her that she didn't want to give. But if that was the case... then they truly were finished. Because this was to be his last-ditch attempt to salvage their love, which seemed legitimately on the rocks.

Jorin held Rinya in this manner for several chimes, not speaking as he felt his heart beat wildly in his chest. He could feel the warmth of her skin under his, and he wanted so desperately to just forget any of this ever happened. He loved her. That was the only thing that he could feel at that moment, because it was the most important emotion to feel.

She was so terrified that it wouldn't be enough, and he was so terrified that she didn't believe him. But she would believe the bond, wouldn't she? She had to. His words could lie but his emotions never did. After another tick or so, he spoke.

"I love you, Rinya. And I will fight for our love until my last breath. You said it, right? That I've always been the one that fought for our love, when you wanted to run." He released her somewhat. The dark was making it difficult to see her, so he traced his hand up to her face.

"Is this really so different? From touching your feathers...?" Jorin muttered, mostly to himself, as he stroked her cheek with his palm. "It's the exact same thing. One stupid argument won't be enough to break us, Rinya. I've loved you since I met you. I still do, and always will."

Jorin leaned in, using his hand to guide him to Rinya's lips. He didn't know if she'd reject his kiss, or return it. He wasn't even sure she realized he'd been able to accept her as a bird as well as a woman but, for the moment, he decided to opt for the one form of physical contact he'd always been able to best express his love for her with.

This wasn't just about contact. It was about communication. Words might fail but this never did. Not once in their entire relationship, and he desperately hoped Rinya would not reject him as he pressed his lips against hers. Into the bond he flooded his love, his hopes and dreams and desires for their future.

Every single one that he knew was riding, balancing on this one act of intimacy. If Rinya did not return this, if she could not feel how he felt as he grabbed her waist to press her closer into the kiss, then he truly did not know where to go from here. Perhaps they truly were finished. But he left the bond open. As open as it's ever been. Rinya had said once, that sometimes pushing was a good thing. He just hoped that proved true today.

x

[Rinya]

Jorin sighed as he mentioned he did in fact remember the calm. That there wasn’t a feeling of wrongness even when he had done it. Thinking back he was right—there had been nothing entirely bad across the bond to make her think otherwise. It had been the simple apology that had set her off. ”I think you were more worried about what the action meant than even bothering to feel anything afterwards…” Rinya muttered softly. Both of them had a miserable day and apparently it just fed a fire that normally would have never raged in the first place.

”I know you still love me Jorin. I wasn’t… trying to question that. But I didn’t want to think about why you couldn’t touch me. I guess… as much as you fear to treat me as a pet—I’ve feared that maybe, it would be too much to ask for you to show me love in both forms.” Saying it now—it sounded like such a hollow excuse to cause such an argument over. This could have been something they probably could have simply talked over—maybe it would have been a little heated—but nowhere to the near destructive force if she had just remained calm in the first place.

Jorin insisted though that it really was more of a choice, if they were damaged or not. She of course knew couples fought, but that wasn’t at the forefront of her mind. Jorin had never actually argued back before—and she wasn’t sure if that meant she had pushed too far this time. Her temper was an ugly thing to control and while she was having an easier time handling it—maybe all she was doing was suppressing it until she exploded like she did tonight. To top it all off, Jorin was just as terrified as she was despite his words.

She wasn’t even sure how long they sat there in silence—it might have only been a chime or two actually. But they felt somewhat stuck and she had no idea how to fix it. The tension between them was unnatural and she wanted nothing more than remove it. Opening her mouth, Rinya was about to say something—anything—in hopes to help move them even slightly past this whole night when Jorin moved. She couldn’t quite make out the movement in the dark, but she jumped slightly in surprise when his snagged her waist.

It didn’t cross her mind to resist—really this was something she had been wanting and she didn’t even realize it until he made the move. It didn’t cross her mind that Jorin had no issue touching her now—he had already made the honest effort to touch her as a bird. And in the very least that was enough for her right now. She swore she could feel his heart beating against her chest, and hers was trying desperately to keep up. It didn’t even take a full two ticks as he pulled her to him that her arms wrapped around his neck and she quite literally clung to him as tightly as she could.

Rinya couldn’t help the flinch however when he reminded her of what she said. Oddly it didn’t make her feel better—it actually made her feel guilty. He was the one that had to fight for them. While she may not physically run from him anymore, that didn’t mean she didn’t hide behind her feelings. To some extent she knew it would always be that way—it was how she was. She could fight against it, work at it and improve in general, but Rinya wasn’t sure she would ever be able to fully rid herself of that instinct.

But it felt like it was time for her to really fight for them as well. Sure she fought off Farline… but between them he was the one that held on. And it wasn’t fair to him. She claimed to love him just as much—perhaps it was time to show him. Ideas scrambled through her head and the only solid thought she could think of was how inappropriate it was to be thinking of them now as Jorin stroked her face, obviously muttering to himself that her skin really wasn’t all that different from her feathers. ”It’s not the same thing—I do understand that Jorin. I just… don’t want you to feel like you can’t touch me just because of it.”

Rinya could feel relief sweep through her as Jorin told her that one argument wasn’t going to break them regardless. And while it had been more heated than probably necessary, Rinya did realize what the argument was about was necessary. The moment his lips met hers, Rinya’s hands moved from his shoulders to his face and held him there. She had opened herself up across the bond when she had admitted her fear of them breaking apart, shattering like glass over a fight. Jorin was opening himself up with a kiss meant to tell her everything she already knew, but loved to feel anyways.

So she kissed him back desperately. Trying to convey her emotions like he was across the bond, but her emotions were much more of a jumble than his and it was hard to even get them in order. So just in case she mumbled against his lips over and over again that she was so very sorry and that she loved him. Not consistantly in that order.

[Jorin Ertihan]

x

Too much to ask. Jorin almost snorted himself at that. He honestly didn't think there would ever be a limit to what he'd do for Rinya. There was never 'too much' to ask. If she needed it, he would provide, come what may. But he didn't say anything, because he knew what she meant. Her fear was that he simply couldn't bring himself to do it; that it was literally beyond his capability to do. That regardless of how much he loved her he just couldn't wrap his mind around the concept of loving her equally as a bird as she was a human.

But he couldn't suppress the relief that flooded over him when Rinya did not pull away or even flinch from his touch. It also somewhat surprised him, to be honest - he had honestly thought she'd slap his hands away. Curl up into herself and demand he never touch her again. It would have been what Farline would have done. What Farline did do, when they had fought in the past. Withdrawn from him and essentially demanded he prostrate himself enough to 'earn' attention back from her.

But Jorin was beginning to realize he was thinking of Farline far too much to be healthy for their relationship. Rinya was not Farline. The two women could not be more different, and every new step in their relationship was so different from the one he had with Farline the comparisons really could not be made. So perhaps he should stop making them.

No, he definitely should stop making them. It would be difficult; up until that point, consciously or not, he was using his relationship with Farline as a yardstick, because it was the only romantic relationship he'd ever had prior to his bonding with Rinya. So it was his sole basis for comparison, and if he ignored it he'd be flying blind. But perhaps that would be better; just relying on his own emotions and that of the woman he loved to guide the way rather than trying to compare to a relationship that was increasingly looking like it had nothing whatsoever to offer in terms of advice.

Rinya had wrapped her arms around him, clinging tightly and Jorin responded by hugging her closer to himself, and both held each other like they were afraid they'd disappear if they let go. He could feel her guilt when he mentioned that she'd mentioned he was always the one to fight for them. It was unfortunate that she took that the wrong way, Jorin had intended it to comfort her but it seemed to have the opposite effect. He supposed not every word out of his mouth would be well-spoken; that had certainly been true earlier in the day. Before he could say something to perhaps soften that statement a bit Rinya spoke up again.

She mentioned she understood that it wasn't the same. At least they were on the same page. Physically, of course, it would never be possible for him to touch Rinya as an osprey the same way he did as a person. It was just a physical impossibility. But the emotions should be the same. She just did not wish for him to feel as though he couldn't touch her because she was not a human. And in that sense it was exactly the same.

The kiss was almost desperate in quality on both their ends, but probably for entirely different reasons, and yet simultaneously for the exact same reasons. Rinya was murmuring against his lips, apologizing over and over while telling him she loved him. The kiss was already telling him both those things, and so was the bond, but Jorin understood. She had been so afraid they were finished, that this one fight was what broke them. But Jorin's feelings for her were stronger than just one fight. And even when his anger was at its hottest he never stopped loving her.

The heat of their kiss was at least keeping the cool Fall air at bay, and Jorin wrapped his arms around Rinya's back, one hand going between her shoulders and the other to her waist as he pressed her against him. He returned her sentiments, telling her he loved her over and over as he broke for air for only a tick and then returned to her lips a moment later. It was strange; they both knew it, could feel it, and yet felt the need to assure each other of this simple fact.

He dragged them both to their side, still hugging her tightly to himself, running his hands up and down her back as he continued to kiss her. He was just so glad to feel this again, her warmth. He didn't realize just how much he missed it until it was gone. He didn't want to ever have to miss it again.

"Rinya," Jorin said, after they'd both calmed down and recovered somewhat from their fiery kisses. "Our love is strong, and it will survive almost anything. But there was one other person who was in this condo with us. Not physically, but she was still here, and... and I don't think our relationship has room for three people." Jorin pointedly did not say Farline's name. But he knew Rinya was well aware of who he was talking about.

"I... I promise I will work hard to excise her from my heart. But it's difficult, and I can't do it alone. I need your help, Rinya... I didn't tell you, did I? What she said to me at Beautyfest." The pain was still there. Dulled, now, from the knowledge that she had been so very wrong. But still present.

"She said... she said that you'd 'wake up'. That one day you'd see me for who I really am. A loser. A failure. You'd realize you could do better than me, and that would be the day you leave..." Jorin sighed. He knew it wasn't true, but that didn't stop the pain. Because it was still one of his deepest-seated fears.

"I know it's not true. I know she only said it to drive a wedge between us but... Rinya, the woman knows me. She knew that was one of those things that I was always afraid of, that you'd leave me. Like she did..." Jorin held Rinya even tighter, as though to assure himself that she was still there. It was something that had been in the making since he was young. His father's disapproving glare, his stern logic dismantling Jorin's dreams. And Farline's little barbs, disguised as 'advice', thrown like little darts over and over...

"I know I shouldn't listen. But that has always been a fear of mine, since I was very young. That I wasn't strong enough, or smart enough, or good enough. For my father. For her. For you." Jorin sighed.

"But you wouldn't have bonded to someone not 'good' enough, right? Wouldn't have loved someone not good enough. Every day I'm learning that. But as hard as I try, I'm not sure that fear will ever fully go away..." Jorin snuggled against Rinya, his hands tracing random patterns on her back. It was something he hadn't fully admitted to her. This particular fear of his, one of his biggest. It was why Beautyfest had been harder on him than he really allowed himself to believe.

Because even though he had never truly been afraid of Rinya leaving him for Rhys, even though he never once doubted her love for him, or his for her, Farline's words had nonetheless cut through his heart like a knife. Rinya had looked nice together with Rhys. An outsider could have seen them as a couple. And the jealousy, mixed with one of his deepest insecurities, had almost caused him to lose it with Farline that night.

"But no more talk of her. I don't really want to think about her. Not tonight, and hopefully not ever. With a little work, we can cut her out of our lives, our relationship, forever. Tonight, Rinya, I want to think about us..." With that statement Jorin kissed her again, full of fire and passion and love and all the other things he wanted to feel with his mate that night.

x