Einmana

[Einmana]

Einmana Ferðast Appearance Race: Ghost (Formally Mixed Inarta) Gender: Female Age: 20 (18 at death) Date of Birth: 12th of Spring, 495 AV Birthplace: Alleyway of Ravok Einmana is slightly tall, standing at 5'7" and without a lot of meat on her bones from growing up on the streets. Her hair, though normally braided for everyday activities whilst she was still living, remains wild and free from any type of restraint, like the flames it seemed to mimic in color. In life, her eyes were a warm hazel surrounded by soft lashes that beckoned to those of both genders. In death, however, they vary from morose and cold to blazing and determined, with nothing in between. Due to the compromising position of her death, Einmana wears nothing but a misty sheet that wraps around her waist, torso and one of her breasts. The only other thing that adorns her is a thick chain-link choker that seems to have neither an end nor a beginning. The female ghost can often be seen tugging on it as though it's bothering her greatly. Concept Einmana isn't sure if she was truly dead sometimes. She feels like she's alive as she wanders the alleyways in which she grew up in and the main roads. Her aimless walking hardly fazes the inhabitants of Ravok who know her, having been at it for over two years. Some will nod to her as she seemingly floats by, familiar with her in either death or her life. Others, on the other hand, seem absolutely terrified of her. She rarely pays attention to them, save a select few. Einmana holds an intense maternal instinct for the homeless children that sleep in her old apartment. She opened to any child looking for shelter at night, since she no longer has a real need for it. She stands watch over them every night and tries to help them in anyway she can. Often times, she attempts to either find them work in the docks or a family that is willing to care for them, though the latter are few and far between. She always seems to be looking for someone in each child that she guards, but has yet to find whoever it is. Regardless, her wards, known to the citizens as the Argent Children, refer to her as their Shrouded Angel. Calm and relatively intelligent, the silver woman is slow to anger and often patient with others, but certain behaviors set off an intense anger that sweeps through her entire form and often leaves her exhausted when she finally runs out of steam. Abuse, whether it be of children, women or power, throws her into such fits and drives her to do things she would come to regret, if she was still alive. After her death, however, her moral compass has become skewed. Although she seems to have a high moral sense when it comes to things she cares about, like her Argent Children, she distributes punishments to aggressors with no real care to what others may think. And then, there is the all encompassing need make her hair red once more. She can be heard muttering such words after a rage fit. Blood was red, but it didn't stay in her hair. It's bad now, white and cold. Surprising? No, not really. Never once did Einmana claim to be sane, as ghosts hardly are. He liked her hair. He liked to brush it. It was red and wavy and soft to the touch. But not anymore. Now it's cold and white and it needs to be red again. Maybe then He would come back, maybe she would be able to protect Him then. History Born in an alleyway of Ravok which would later become her home for the rest of her youngest years, Einmana watched as her sick mother died, giving birth to Him. Her mother was an Inarta and traveled often, but became somewhat sick after Einmana's birth and her health declined from there. They had lived in the alleyways, avoiding the Ebonstryfe and Black Sun. But her mother died, and Einmana was left with no papers, no money, and an newborn, when she was barely 5 herself. Thus ended her childhood. At her age, Einmana could only do so much to help provide for her brother and herself. She had to scavenge and find old milk for her brother to drink. It was a miserable existence. A few days after, while rummaging through the trash of a crumbling building, a kind, portly man seemed to take pity on the two a year later and promised a safe place and food if she would help out with his business. And thus, her employment at the House of Immortal Pleasures. At first, Einmana only did menial tasks, like washing the floor and taking out the trash. When she got older, she began to serve drinks to customers sitting in the lounge talking about various things, employment and conquests alike. Her real job, however didn't start until she was 15. Jacob Hollywell, who had become something of a father figure to the young girl, tasked one of the veteran girls with teaching her the ways of pleasure. A fast learner and adaptable to nearly anything, most likely due to her life on the streets, Einmana quickly became a sought-after member of the brothel. Her brother stayed out of the business, on the girl's request. He was taken in by one of the older girls, who had just lost her own baby to a bad set of lungs. As soon as he was weened, however, that girl started working again. Einmana refused to allow him to lose his childhood as much as she had. The only real interaction with the business was his insistence to brush her hair before every client. He loved her hair and would tenderly brush all the knots out of her hair with a skillful hand. Her brother found work at the docks, rather than the dark corruption of a brothel. It was hard work, but an honest living. He was strong and tan and, most importantly, happy. Because of this, so was Einmana. It was the brothel that killed her, in the end, or rather one of it's clientele. She didn't know why he did it, but Bawal Ratnik, a Paladin, slipped poison into a tea that he insisted she should at least take a sip of, she could use the break. Not that she knew the cup was laced. The concoction he used was slow acting and nearly tasteless. It wasn't until her vision began to blur as she lay with him upon her that Einmana knew something was wrong, and by then, it was too late. The last thing she saw as she drew breath was a smirk on the warrior's face and then she saw no more. She woke to see her body floating... sinking to the bottom of the Lake at dawn the next morning. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath before opening them once more and making her way back to the main land. It had taken her a few days and once she reached her apartment, one she had bought when she acquired enough funds, her brother was gone, as though he had never been there at all. Einmana looks for him to this day. She wanders the streets caring for those she can and lamenting for her lost family. The money she saved was hidden in a small spot behind her apartment building, waiting for her brother to come and collect it. And so she wanders and searches. She needs to protect him, he needs to be safe. That's all she's ever wanted. Ledger Item Thread Amount Total Starting Package N/A +100 Gm 100 Gm Seasonal Expenses N/A -45 Gm 55 Gm Language Common tounge Lores Lore of Intimate Acts Ravok City Layout Possessions 20x20 Apartment that is used by the Argent Children as a Safe Haven 100 gm - hidden behind her apartment building Skill EXP Total Proficency Materialization +1010 RB 10 Novice Soulmist Projection +1919 SP 19 Novice Seduction +2626 SP 26 Competent Scavenging +55 SP 5 Novice lol

[Einmana]

Xzavier (Mouser) Rúa Appearance, Concept, Background Race: Human Gender: Male Age: 14 Date of Birth: Day 36 of Winter, 501 AV Birthplace: Syliras With messy brown hair and clear blue eyes to rival any natural spring, Xzavier, or Mouser, as he is known by the other Argent Children, will be a looker by the time he matures. He's a bit tall for his age, standing a few inches shorter than Einmana and is thinner than he lets on. One of the first of Einmana's little group of orphans, he's the only one who has stuck by Mana throughout his life. The others are more fluid, going in and out of her life (death?), and continuing their own. Mouser, on the other hand, is very attached to the spirit, despite the fact that she is dead. He is caring, nearly as much as Mana is, and if the ghost was the Children's mother, then Mouser's their older brother. Mouser was born in Syliras to merchant family. His life was rather uneventful, until a trip to Ravok. It was a standard trip, one that his family had been making for years, but all it took was one storm for everything to go wrong. A single wagon is no match for high winds, and a dead tree. He had been sitting with a few of the other merchants due to a fight he had with his family. The death of his parents left him a hollow shell of what he used to be and he stayed in Ravok, while the others left. He would have died in the streets had it not been for Mana. She took him in, gave him shelter and a purpose (namely, helping to care for the other Children). It is because of this that he remains so loyal the only mother figure he has. Skill EXP Total Proficency Wilderness Survival +1010 NPC creation 10 Novice Scavenge +1010 NPC creation 10 Novice Cooking +55 NPC creation 5 Novice Foraging +55 NPC creation 5 Novice

[Prophet]

So I wanted to take the time to address some things in your CS with you. There is a lot that needs to be adjusted, changed or flat out removed but I like the general idea of a ghost in my city so I'm willing to tae the time to go over this with you.

Einmana is slightly tall, standing at 5'7" and without a lot of meat on her bones from growing up on the streets. Her hair, though normally braided for everyday activities whilst she was still living, remains wild and free from any type of restraint, like the flames it seemed to mimic in color. In life, her eyes were a warm hazel surrounded by soft lashes that beckoned to those of both genders. In death, however, they vary from morose and cold to blazing and determined, with nothing in between. Due to the compromising position of her death, Einmana wears nothing but a misty sheet that wraps around her waist, torso and one of her breasts. The only other thing that adorns her is a thick chain-link choker that seems to have neither an end nor a beginning. The female ghost can often be seen tugging on it as though it's bothering her greatly.

This is all fine except for 'growing up on the streets'. There are no poor people in Ravok; no homeless. The Black Sun would never allow that kind of negative image to be seen. No exceptions.

Einmana isn't sure if she was truly dead sometimes. She feels like she's alive as she wanders the alleyways in which she grew up in and the main roads. Her aimless walking hardly fazes the inhabitants of Ravok who know her, having been at it for over two years. Some will nod to her as she seemingly floats by, familiar with her in either death or her life. Others, on the other hand, seem absolutely terrified of her. She rarely pays attention to them, save a select few.

I don't approve of any of this. You can't just 'be known'. You have to earn that right. Also- Ravok is mostly canals with a few sidewalks and some alleys. There aren't any real 'roads', to speak of, aside from some wide paths at the docks, around the warehouses and the large interconnected City Center.

Einmana holds an intense maternal instinct for the homeless children that sleep in her old apartment. She opened to any child looking for shelter at night, since she no longer has a real need for it. She stands watch over them every night and tries to help them in anyway she can. Often times, she attempts to either find them work in the docks or a family that is willing to care for them, though the latter are few and far between. She always seems to be looking for someone in each child that she guards, but has yet to find whoever it is. Regardless, her wards, known to the citizens as the Argent Children, refer to her as their Shrouded Angel.

You can't make up an organization which Argent Children falls under that category. As a redundancy, there are no homeless in Ravok.

Calm and relatively intelligent, the silver woman is slow to anger and often patient with others, but certain behaviors set off an intense anger that sweeps through her entire form and often leaves her exhausted when she finally runs out of steam. Abuse, whether it be of children, women or power, throws her into such fits and drives her to do things she would come to regret, if she was still alive. After her death, however, her moral compass has become skewed. Although she seems to have a high moral sense when it comes to things she cares about, like her Argent Children, she distributes punishments to aggressors with no real care to what others may think.

This is fine.

And then, there is the all encompassing need make her hair red once more. She can be heard muttering such words after a rage fit. Blood was red, but it didn't stay in her hair. It's bad now, white and cold. Surprising? No, not really. Never once did Einmana claim to be sane, as ghosts hardly are. He liked her hair. He liked to brush it. It was red and wavy and soft to the touch. But not anymore. Now it's cold and white and it needs to be red again. Maybe then He would come back, maybe she would be able to protect Him then.

Who is He?

Born in an alleyway of Ravok which would later become her home for the rest of her youngest years, Einmana watched as her sick mother died, giving birth to Him. Her mother was an Inarta and traveled often, but became somewhat sick after Einmana's birth and her health declined from there. They had lived in the alleyways, avoiding the Ebonstryfe and Black Sun. But her mother died, and Einmana was left with no papers, no money, and an newborn, when she was barely 5 herself. Thus ended her childhood. At her age, Einmana could only do so much to help provide for her brother and herself. She had to scavenge and find old milk for her brother to drink. It was a miserable existence. A few days after, while rummaging through the trash of a crumbling building, a kind, portly man seemed to take pity on the two a year later and promised a safe place and food if she would help out with his business. And thus, her employment at the House of Immortal Pleasures.

No homeless. No one avoids the Black Sun in Ravok- sorrynotsorry. A five year old is incapable of caring for herself let alone a newborn. No trash. No crumbling building. A decrepit structure in Ravok would sink into the lake. Also- no six/seven year old be given a job in the House of Immortal Pleasures. Slave? Possibly. Employee- never. Her brother would have been sold to boot.

At first, Einmana only did menial tasks, like washing the floor and taking out the trash. When she got older, she began to serve drinks to customers sitting in the lounge talking about various things, employment and conquests alike. Her real job, however didn't start until she was 15. Jacob Hollywell, who had become something of a father figure to the young girl, tasked one of the veteran girls with teaching her the ways of pleasure. A fast learner and adaptable to nearly anything, most likely due to her life on the streets, Einmana quickly became a sought-after member of the brothel.

See the multitude of responses I've already given regarding life on the streets and a toddler working at an upscale brothel.

Her brother stayed out of the business, on the girl's request. He was taken in by one of the older girls, who had just lost her own baby to a bad set of lungs. As soon as he was weened, however, that girl started working again. Einmana refused to allow him to lose his childhood as much as she had. The only real interaction with the business was his insistence to brush her hair before every client. He loved her hair and would tenderly brush all the knots out of her hair with a skillful hand. Her brother found work at the docks, rather than the dark corruption of a brothel. It was hard work, but an honest living. He was strong and tan and, most importantly, happy. Because of this, so was Einmana.

Your time frames seems... off. So long as it fits into the changs you have to make in other parts, this isn't bad.

It was the brothel that killed her, in the end, or rather one of it's clientele. She didn't know why he did it, but Bawal Ratnik, a Paladin, slipped poison into a tea that he insisted she should at least take a sip of, she could use the break. Not that she knew the cup was laced. The concoction he used was slow acting and nearly tasteless. It wasn't until her vision began to blur as she lay with him upon her that Einmana knew something was wrong, and by then, it was too late. The last thing she saw as she drew breath was a smirk on the warrior's face and then she saw no more.

Why? Why would a paladin bother to poison her? It's ridiculous. He could kill her outright if he chose to but he wouldn't do so without some kind of cause. This is a forced talking point and needs to go or have some kind of real yarn behind it to support the statement.

She woke to see her body floating... sinking to the bottom of the Lake at dawn the next morning. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath before opening them once more and making her way back to the main land. It had taken her a few days and once she reached her apartment, one she had bought when she acquired enough funds, her brother was gone, as though he had never been there at all.

Ghosts can't own stuff or money. If she had an apartment while living, it would be remanded back to the Nitrozian Housing Commission.

Einmana looks for him to this day. She wanders the streets caring for those she can and lamenting for her lost family. The money she saved was hidden in a small spot behind her apartment building, waiting for her brother to come and collect it. And so she wanders and searches. She needs to protect him, he needs to be safe. That's all she's ever wanted.

I have no issue with a hidden cache but if it's in an apartment, it would be filled by someone else.

Lores
Lore of Intimate Acts
Ravok City Layout

These are too general. Pick one 'act' or an all-purpose technique. In terms of the city Layout, please provide a single area (City Center, The Docks, etc).

Possessions
20x20 Apartment that is used by the Argent Children as a Safe Haven
100 gm - hidden behind her apartment building

No possessions.

Skill	EXP	Total	Proficency
Materialization	+1010 RB	10	Novice
Soulmist Projection	+1919 SP	19	Novice
Seduction	+2626 SP	26	Competent
Scavenging	+55 SP	5	Novice

You can't -as a ghost- start with skills other than Soulmist Pojection, Materialization and Projection. You have to RP out possessing a being who has the skills of Seduction and Scavenging to obtain those talents.


I hope this helps you. I understand it's a lot but once you clear away some of the commonly held misconceptions of Ravok, you will have room to develop your character a bit more. Please let me know when you have done this and I will look over everything again. Also- after you have cleaned up this CS, if you need help filling in some of the empty space, send me a PM and I'll help you out. Good luck.

That is all.
-P