PM to join Coming to terms, and failing.

[Alexander Faircroft]

34th Spring 516av

7:51AM

Description "Alex Common" Alex thoughts "Myrian" "Fratava" "Others"

Alex hadn’t moved. Since the sixth bell he’d been sat at the table. He had pulled personal day with the knights and knew he was probably going to be reprimanded for it later. Right now though he couldn’t. Alex sat in abject silence, his hands still splashed with blood. His elbows on the table and his arm re-located. He stared off into nothingness.

I really did it…I killed him. I couldn’t…It was a simple situation me or him. Him or me. I had no choice. He almost felt a second voice creeping into his head. Like he was arguing with himself. You always had a choice. There is always another way. Yeah well not this time. I did it, I killed him. The look of those eyes. The blank lifelessness. I stole something that wasn’t mine to take. His hand pressed into his face he could smell the irony mistake. The pure failure on his part. He’d broken a vow of his. He’d done something he could never take back.

I didn’t mean too. I didn’t want too. I was backed into a corner...You could have run away, you could have called for help. But no you had to play the hero. You always have to play the hero, and who does it help? No-one. You help no-one you do nothing but make things worse for people. You fear failing so much that you can’t take action when you need too. Well this time you took action and look at you pitying yourself. I know the prayers I prayed, feel lost like tears in the rain. I prayed so hard for an alternative. I prayed for another path. I prayed that I hoped, I wished, I wanted another option but there was none. And now look at you. Look at the blood on your hands, look at the stain on your soul. Alex paused looking down at his hands again, the dark ruddy brown patches of dried blood weren’t going. And in the depths of his soul he felt like he’d crossed a line. He’s stepped past a point from which he couldn’t ever return.

You’ve broken your word. You stepped across a threshold and begun your decent. There’s no going back now. Embrace your heritage. You’re the son of a killer and a monster. Embrace it. No. No. “NO!” Alex screamed aloud. Panting with his words he could feel himself pressing his knuckles into his for head and couldn’t recall when he started.

[Alexander Faircroft]

Description "Alex Common" Alex thoughts "Myrian" "Fratava" "Others"

Alex grit his teeth. Tears began to roll down his face, the streams meeting at his chin, and the only sound in the room besides his light whimpering was the repetitive drip and thud of the water on the wood. You failed. You failed. You failed. Yes…I failed. I messed up I did it. I broke it. I destroyed everything I strove towards…What makes me any better than the people I try to stop now. What makes me any better from those monsters back in Sunberth?! What makes me any better than him. Than that psychotic bastard! At that moment that whistle crept back into his mind. The tune, that haunting and horrifying melody. And the sight of that crimson bundle. His stomach roiled and churned and he ran to a bucket in the room, and just heaved up his breakfast.

You couldn’t even help a child. You couldn’t help a lonely soul. You belong in the darkness, in the blackest abyss. A place fit for the killers. The scum of this world. You’re no different from any of them, so just jump in. Take the plunge and step into where you truly belong…Maybe I do? Maybe that’s all that’s left for me. Maybe the darkness in my soul that I’ve been striving to fight against is where I really belong? Where I truly find my purpose? Alex hovered over the bucket, lost in thought as the scent of bile and rancidity filled his nostrils. You don’t belong there.

A small voice in his head, barely louder than a whisper. A small flicker of a voice told him. You had no choice. You did what you had too. You shut up. You say nothing but what he wants to hear. I say what he needs to hear! Alex shook his head. He could feel his conscience and his will battling. The darkest of his thoughts spitting and biting at his hope. That little shred of whisker thin light that told him he was alright. That he did what he had too. He curled his hand into a fist and bit firmly into his index finger of his left hand. The tears still rolling down his face. I shouldn’t have done that. I broke my word. I swore I wouldn’t kill. I swore I’d never take a life. And that is why you belong in the darkness. Why you belong in the shrouded depth of your own special horror. You broke your word, to a goddess no less. You’re trash.

But if you hadn’t done it how could you have still been here? He would have killed you if you didn’t kill him. You couldn’t prevent others from falling down the same path. You shut…Wait. I had to do it?

[Irathia]

Irathia awoke from a nightmare, sweat covered her body as she launched up, eyes wide and filled with panic. Quickly the memories of the terrible things she thought of in her dream faded, like a brisk wind. She rubbed her eyes as she rolled out of her bed and onto the floor with a soft thump. She pulled out her small container of items and took out her cloak, and threw it around her body. She didn't care much for her hair as she walked out of her room. She sighed as she shifted in the hall way, looking from side to side as she smacked her lips, getting the taste of old saliva out of her mouth. She stretched slightly, yawned, and rubbed her eyes once more to wake up a bit more. She smiled as she started to walk forward... That was when a very muffled, but pain filled shout came from the top floor, where the men are... She stopped mid-step as she processed what just happened, thinking if she should go and check it out or not... She rubbed her eyes once more and she walked to the stairs to the second level of the Dormitories. She followed where she thought the sound originated, assuming based on the muffled shout from the hall. Irathia followed to the end of the hall, and placed a hand on the right hand side door. Presuming that was where the shout came from. She was slightly worried that she was completely wrong and would only find a empty room, or a room full of men... Which made the thought of even knocking on the door a bit... Awkward, on her part... After all this WAS the male section of the dormitories... Irathia took a deep breath, and placed her hands on the door, opening it. She looked around to find the smell of bile assaulting her nostrils, her eyes watered at the smell. She looked around the room, letting her eyes scan and find who ever was in there... She quickly noticed Alex, he looked extremely stressed over... Something, which worried her, he never fully seemed to act this way when they met one another. She blocked the smell with her cloak as she approached the squire. "Alex... Are you okay? Why does it smell like some one's guts was thrown around the room?" She asked, not noticing that there was a bucket full of half digested food... "Did something happen?" Irathia's voice was soft and quiet, she smiled slightly as she lowered the cloak from her mouth, even though the smell of bile still was revolting, she wouldn't mind for Alex.

[Alexander Faircroft]

Description "Alex Common" Alex thoughts "Myrian" "Fratava" "Others"

In this lonely place bathed in silence, Alex faced away from the door. The waves of doubt still washing over him. Alex didn’t hear the foot falls. Nor the knock at the door. The first thing that caught his attention was the new wash of light in the room. Alex pressed his back into the wall, tears streaming from his eyes looking not only deflated but defeated. A man of pure resolve had had his crushed by his own actions. A shadow loomed in the distance. The long darkness casting a wash of it over his face. Irathia’s voice cut through the air. You’re worthless, you do nothing but harm those around you. You take lives you don’t protect them. You’re useless. I am not…I wanted to help I wanted to stop it. I wanted to change it. I want to reverse what I did. Yes but nothing can change the past. You know that only too well. Alex doubled over in anguish and pain. As soon as Irathia spoke, the usually quiet and soft voiced Alex roared. “Leave. Just leave me alone…” Alex turned his face from the light.

Alex always so enamoured with holding onto even the vaguest sliver of hope. The smallest sherd that he could do good. He turned away from the light now. A small whimper not even a fully realized voice swallowed by pain and disappointment in himself. “Please…Just leave….I don’t want to be seen like this…” Alex tucked himself into the wall. You killed, you took a life. You had no choice it was him or you. There’s always a choice you just didn’t make the right one. You were left no option other than to take his or have him take yours. I know I just want this to stop. I know id di wrong I know I broke my word just stop. Stop Please stop. “Stop!” He cried out once more his mind plaguing him addling him wracking him with guilt and anguish. Sorrow and misfortune. He doubled over again wracked with the faces of all the lives he couldn’t save. All the lives he’d cost because he was too slow to act. And the moment he was fast enough to act he’d saved his own life by taking another’s.

[Irathia]

Irathia frowned at Alex, he looked... Deflated, broken... A state she knew well. She just squatted and stared at Alex, she did not want to hurt him more from the current state he was in. It would be a delicate process to comfort him, if she even could comfort him, she attempted to put on a small smile. That was when his usual soft voice boomed like thunder, yelling at her, telling her to go away. This made her cringe slightly, hearing some one yelling like that again brought memories back, but she quickly pushed them down as she starred at the broken Alex... How can he get so broken? I have never seen anyone like this before... From the people that I have seen that is. She watched with silence as he pressed him self against the wall... A sadness filled Irathia as she stared at Alex, he looked... Pathetic. Irathia hands formed a ball and she squeezed them as hard as she could, burying her finger nails into the skin of her palms. She felt the small tinge of pain as her fingernails jabbed her hands, she didn't care, all she cared about at the current moment was Alex. She opened one hand and she started to bring it towards Alex's back, attending to pat it or something along the lines of that. She wanted to do that so she can show Alex she is there for him, no matter what was going on. "Alex i-" she couldn't finish her sentence as Alex screamed stop, her hand paused as well. She nodded slightly and brought her hand back to her side. "Alex..." Irathia said to the broken man in front of her. "I am here for you." She said quietly, almost a whisper as she stared at him, a small smile on her face.

[Alexander Faircroft]

Description "Alex Common" Alex thoughts "Myrian" "Fratava" "Others"

Alex pushed himself further into the wall, something hard against his back the only way he was going to keep sitting up. Alex took a deep slow shuddering breath unable to steady nor brace himself he pushed his back into the wall. His hands shaking violently, as Irathia drew closer Alex almost retreated into himself more and more. The closer she got the more he wanted her to leave to go to let him deal with it on his own. To come to terms with his own failures and mistakes. Yes send everyone away, keep them all away. You just attract the worst of people, you draw those who do wrong. You draw killers and murderers. Why? Because you are one. You’re one of the scum that walk this land you see nothing but excuses for your failures.

Alex bundled himself up. Crumpling getting smaller. Almost a child again, the small boy who watched his mother die in front of him. But…You’re not like that. You did what you had too, what you thought was right. Shut up he failed. He can’t even keep one of the most basic vows! How did you think you could ever make a difference to change things for the better?! To atone for the sins of the father!!? You can’t even keep yourself from becoming like him! You’re worthless, a failure you- Through the silence of the room Alex heard the edge of Irathia’s voice.

Five simple words. Just five words. With them he found something to hang onto. A point from which he could drag his mind out of the maelstrom that was roiling within it. He turned to look at her now for the first time since she’d entered the room. Eyes wide and bloodshot. Less the look of a person in control, of a man who knew what to do and how to act. Instead the eyes of a child, the look of a small kid who’d done something wrong and he didn’t know how to fix it. The quiet, calm façade of self-assurance and sense of purpose, gone. Instead was the true Alex, a scared child, exposed to too much too young. He done dark things, seen darker ones still. Forced to participate in things he didn’t fully understand yet. Never a word of prise, nor a hand of guidance only a stern word or a swift rectification. Even in a city surrounded by people he knew, with someone who he thought of as family and a friend he still felt alone. Isolated.

She’d then be able to catch a hold of the sight of the blood on his hands due to the light from the hall. The dark black mark on his arm where the impact had happened. The shimmer of the tears streaming down his face. “I…I did something bad…” Yes you did… you broke your word. You failed you killed, you killed, you killed, you killed, you killed, you killed, you killed, you killed, you killed.
I know. I messed up, I failed. I failed…I did something I can’t undo. And I can never make up for it…I’m stained…Yes. There’s a black mark on my soul that I’ll never clean off.
You’re right. You can’t clean it off. You can’t make it right.

[Irathia]

Irathia smiled and noticed how she seemed to have gotten through, finally she saw how bad it was, almost like he turned into a child. Some scared child... She found it interesting and saddening as she studied him more... She put on a small smile, attempting to look friendly as possible. Irathia processed what she heard, he did something, apparently enough to put him in the state he was now... She noticed the blood on his hand and put A and B together, nodding slightly. She assumed that Alex murdered someone, she was thinking if it could have been a civilian, or maybe a bandit. The bandit one makes more sense as she thought about it. She squeezes his shoulder lightly... "Shhh... I am here... Can you tell me what happened?" She said quietly, she pushed some hair out of her face as she whispered, getting a bit closer, though not much. "You can tell me anything, I am here." She said again. Irathia really wanted to help Alex, he was her friend and it deeply saddened her to see once a so strong become broken like this.

[Alexander Faircroft]

Description "Alex Common" Alex thoughts "Myrian" "Fratava" "Others"

Alex pressed his back into the wall, his knees pulled up as he now crumpled into a ball against the wall. Surrounded in darkness with a slowly closing streak of light. Her hand touched his shoulder. It was rare at all times to see him out of his armour. Even more so to see him shirtless as he was now. He visibly tensed his muscles clenching hardening reflexively. The warmth of her hand something as simple as that set him on edge. He didn’t deseve this. He deserved to be left alone to struggle through his pain. To force it all down and hold it in. To try and focus it, not this. All his life he’d been left to cope with his pain. Told to “suck it up” to just push on. And now the time he petched up big time he was getting this. He buried his face into his knees as the tears flowed freer, more heavily and with even more meaning.

“I…I killed someone…” Alex’s voice shook, the usual calm and eerily smooth tone gone. Instead replaced by the sound of someone shaken, deeply rattled to their core. He took a shallow breath attempting to catch a hold of some stability. Some hard point as his mind roiled on him again. Failure. Weak. Oath breaker. Killer. Murderer. Scum. Worthless. Useless. It wasn’t your fault. No choice. No option. Survival. Safety. Life. Death…No. Please Stop. Please. He pressed his head into his knees his arms tightening around them. He relived those final moments of that conflict. Tick by Tick, moment by moment, breath, by, breath.
“I. Stained my hands. I’m no better than those monsters in Sunberth. I’m a Killer. Not a protector…Irathia. Leave…Please…I deserve to be alone.”

He shook softly, not with fear but with regret, resentment, anger, sorrow, and disgust. Everything he’d strived to do. He’d wanted to be. He’d wished to be. Was stripped from him in a single bad choice. One mistake. Lasting no longer than the heartbeat it took to make the strike. Failure. Death. Killer. Murderer. Killer. Killer. Killer. Killer.

[Irathia]

Irathia immediately pulled her hand away, feeling the muscles under her hand. Her jaw tightened as she heard that he killed someone... Never easy to get pasted, she still suffers from the nightmares of her first kill, the feeling was terrible... It confirmed her theory that formed when she saw the blood stained hand. "Alex... I am not going to leave, you deserve to have some one here... You can not go through this by your self. I should know..." She said softly, her voice was shaky as well, for seeing her friend like this was hurting her, but she assumed her pain is no where close to the one Alex is going through... Irathia smiled slightly, "Alex..." She said again, not realizing that she did. Irathia clenched her fists as she looked away from Alex. "I... I don't want to leave you here like this." She almost whispered, but it was just loud enough to here. "I can't imagine the pain you are going through because of... What happened..." Irathia looked at you again, sadness washing over her as she did so. A small frown broke across Irathia's face, "I have been through what you are going through right now, but I was alone in the wilderness, not in a city full of friends. Your family... Alex, you are strong, I know you are, I can... Feel it... I have seen it." Irathia said, her voice continuing to be soft, but slightly rising in volume, but not a whole lot. Irathia wasn't trying to seem like she was yelling at Alex, just trying to support him. "I have killed before, and look at me! I am a short little woman trying to be a knight when I can't really fight that much..." Irathia joked, a smile going on her face again as she went on. "That Yukmen incident, I blacked out, I don't remember the second Yukmen at all, I only remember coming to with the corpse next to me. To be honest when I am in that state that is the only time I can fight, but you, Alex. You are strong, I know you are." Irathia said, finishing her lecture, she wasn't sure what she was saying, she was just saying things and hoping it got through to him, helped him. If anything she imagined that her voice became a dull drone in his ears. Irathia brought her tinted hand and rubbed her face, this is slightly emotionally draining for her, with the lack of sleep and stress that has been on her mind as of late. Irathia found her self collapsing from her squat and onto her bum, where she crossed her legs and just stared at Alex...

[Alexander Faircroft]

Description "Alex Common" Alex thoughts "Myrian" "Fratava" "Others"

Alex wasn’t trying to be spiteful when he spoke but there was an edge of it to his voice. His usual calmness was being torn apart by a deep seeded inner turmoil. A rolling wave of pain. He was so disgusted with himself so ashamed so disappointed that he was projecting it.
“Irathia…You say you’ve killed…But you’ve nothing to compare yourself too.” He began with a rising spite in his voice. Not aimed at her but using what she’d said as a vent for his own torment. “I’ve spent time in a city of killers and murderers. I swore I’d never become one. Become a man who killed. I failed myself there, and I’ve failed myself now.” He paused a tone of anger in his voice laced with disgust.

“You’re comparing the life of a person. Someone who can think and feel. With that of a monster? It’s not the same. You’re comparing the life of something that exists solely to kill with something with the capability to do anything. It’s not even on the same level.” Alex spoke primarily into his knees. His words mildly muffled by his posture. “And ontop of that you blacked out…You didn’t have to see the the life drain out of their eyes. Watch that flicker of who they are. Who they were drain and run through your fingers. Feel the warmth of their blood on your hands. And know that you’ve just witnessed their final moments.” He envied her at that moment. He wanted to take her place and not have to see what he saw. To witness the light dying.

Killer. Killer. Murderer. Murderer. Scum. Scum. Failure. Failure. Oath breaker. Alex winced and slammed his back into the wall half hoping that the pain would distract him. No such luck. He wasn’t strong. He wasn’t. He couldn’t be. He’d fallen to a weaker desire. The easy choice, the simple path. He’d begun a descent into the blackest pits of his own soul and he couldn’t ever even begin to escape. But somehow just hearing that he could halted his fall. The roiling voices in his own head didn’t have as much sway as when he’d been on his own.

“Irathia…please…Go…” Alex spoke now with a deep regret. He wasn’t asking, he wasn’t pleading. He was begging her to leave him be. He hadn’t quite hit bottom yet. He didn’t even know if there was a bottom to his situation but he didn’t want to find out. He glanced towards her looking with an honest plead in his eyes. If she kept going he’d break. He’d break and he’d not know how to stem the tide. It was a simple caring gesture to just sit near-by and listen. He’s been isolated and neglected. His emotions, his feelings, his personal turmoil that just having someone listen was too much for him to deal with. He wanted her to go. He needed her to go.