[Lumi's Scrapbook] Iridescent Illumination

[Luminescence]

'I should start a scrapbook' I said a million times, before finally freaking doing it because I am, at the time of writing this, on a 2 hour break between classes. I could be doing productive stuff like writing posts for my PCs but here I am instead.

Most of you know me as Lumi, some of you know me as Aster, but you can also feel free to call me Jasmine! (I apologize in advance to the confusion this might bring Meadow lmao) I'm 20 years old and live in Quebec, Canada; I speak English as a first language and French as a second. I have a white beastie (aka Alaskan husky/shepherd mix) named Nova and a fat grey furball (aka Maine coon mix) named Loki.

To name a few things, I like: cats, tea and coffee (about equally), autumn, taking naps, being nocturnal, video games, space, tattoos & piercings, sushi, dark chocolate, Dungeons & Dragons, and reading & writing (if that really needs to be said ).

I dislike: People that block sidewalks/hallways, being (unnecessarily) rude, screaming children in public places, being too hot (or cold, really), overly judgemental people, spiders, any & all bugs, cold showers, grapefruits, 8 am classes, and math.

A few fun facts about me: I'm pescetarian (the only meat I eat is fish and seafood; I have been for about a year and a half now), I have 2 older half-sisters and a younger brother, I'm pagan & a witch, I had a very religiously diverse upbringing, my favourite show for a really long time was Supernatural (I don't watch much t.v anymore), and my favourite colours are pastel pink & gold.

I'm probably mostly going to use this scrap to just talk about stuff in my life and on Miz, to vent every so often, to share stuff I think is cool and maybe some of my own writing too. I don't really have anything specific in mind. Anyone can feel free to post comments, questions, or anything else in here! (Memes are welcome; I'm sure I will be posting many of my own...)

But anyway, I think that about does it for now.

~Lumi

[Luminescence]

It's a day late, but happy spring to you all, and happy Ostara to those of you who celebrate it!

I have been crazy busy and incredibly stressed lately. I have midterms now, and I've fallen behind in school some due to illness; I'm also more behind on my PCs posting than I would like, and my ST to-do list only ever seems to get longer.

That being said, I think the first day of spring is a lovely place to start fresh. I much prefer it over the new year, to be quite honest. It feels better to me; there's something comforting about knowing it's not only you starting over, but the earth around you. It's especially a strong visual reminder living in a place where the winters are long and cold and you're up to your eyeballs in snow. You get to feel the weather warm up and see the snow begin to thaw and melt, and the flowers begin to peek out. It's refreshing and hopeful.

So I've decided this spring is going to be my fresh start. I'm going to try and stress less, but more importantly (to me, anyway) I'm going to catch up on things. I'm going to fall back into pace with school, and I'm going to be more up to speed with my threads; even my solos.

There really wasn't much of a point to this scrap; I just thought it would be nice to write down my thoughts on the first day of spring, and having my commitment written down where you all can see it will be encouraging, if nothing else!

So here's to an awesome spring; both irl, and on Miz.

~Lumi

[Luminescence]

Happy Friday the 13th! A poetry blog I follow (nosebleedcluboriginal on tumblr) posted a prompt for today, and I adored it. I figured I'd share the prompt here, as well as what I wrote with it. If any of you do anything with the prompt I'd love to see it! Also please keep in mind I do very free-form poetry; it's more prose than poetry, really.

Prompt

1. The true name of your black cat
2. Blood pooling into the form of a rose on the sink
3. Raven-haired
4. Forces beyond cruelty and evil
5. Lover’s demise
6. Mother’s collection of cursed knives
7. Field of poisonous flowers
8. Intelligent life in an unexpected place
9. Gauze
10. His laugh from long ago
11. Protection from the kitchen witch
12. Omen in the birdsong
13. Good luck glasses

What I Wrote :

i. She has no name. Not one that any mortal tongue can pronounce. She lives in the shadows, and I know she’s there when I see the telltale gleam of golden eyes peering out of the darkness. She watches. Her gaze sends shivers down my spine; it is comforting to know she is always nearby.

ii. My fingers grip the sink’s edge, my knuckles turning whiter than the porcelain. I taste copper, sharp in my mouth, sharper than the edge of the blade. The crimson is so bright and vivid it burns my eyes, dripping steadily and slowly into the sink, like the last petals of the rose that fall to the concrete when winter takes hold.

iii. Black fur does not show on my clothes. It absorbs the light, and when she is curled up next to my head, she’s an inky spot among the black curling strands of my hair, blending in almost seamlessly. I watch her and think maybe we are one and the same.

iv. The universe is not cruel, nor evil; it is not kind, nor good. That would imply that the universe cares. The universe is far detached from something so pitifully human. I still spit curses at it as I chase the children with sharpened sticks away from her, I still whisper reverent thanks to it as I find my way home without trouble in the night.

v. I don’t need him, I never needed him. I stab the needle through the felt puppet, and I watch him die and the spark in the black button eyes fade. I will always need him. I hold it in my hands as I burn it and feel what we once had turn to ash.

vi. Bone hilt, ebony hilt, wooden hilt; gleaming silver blades, sharp in the dark. No reflections stare back at me as I look into the flat edges of the knives. Blood runs down my fingers, drips down my wrist, when I touch the handle; a price must be paid to harness a curse.

vii. They smell sweet, of honey and nectar, and the delicate shades of pink and purple invite me in. I lie in the field, I feel the flowers sway around me. It is silent. A bee buzzes clumsily along, the only living thing aside from myself, and succumbs to the venom. I’m alone again.

viii. I walk beneath the shadows of a claw-branched tree, its leaves long turned to dust. I hear the screeching of a raven, and when I look up, it sits in the branches and stares at me with one dark eye. It hops along, and I swear it speaks before it takes off in a flurry of wings. A single pitch feather drifts to my feet.

ix. The sink is stained red and I don’t think it will ever come clean. Claws pierce my skin, and I wind the bandage around the fresh cuts. When did they appear? I no longer know. I snip the cloth and pin it in place. I wind another stretch around fresh scratches. I don’t remember seeing them before.

x. I smell ash and feel his smile pressed against my skin as I lie in the darkness. The golden gaze tells me to forget, but I can hear his laugh echoing in my ears. I roll over, and I swear I feel his hand on my head. I blink and he’s nothing but a memory again.

xi. I stir my tea clockwise, sprinkling in cinnamon and nutmeg and whispering words of protection. The silver spoon clinks against the porcelain mug; once, twice, thrice. The chiming of a bell, driving away the dark spirits that linger.

xii. It is a silent morning. Only one bird dares pierce the air with its song. The raven is back, dark-bright eyes watching me through the window as it shrieks and caws. Once, twice, thrice; I take it for what it is. I leave the house clutching its gifted feather that day.

xiii. The day is cold but the sun is sharply piercing. I blink it out of my eyes, and settle my sunglasses on the bridge of my nose. The shadows welcome me, and I see her more easily as she slips, silent and dark, across my path. Some would call it bad luck; I smile and welcome her to my side as I continue on my way.

[Luminescence]

It seems these sorts of scraps have been going around lately; not to just hop on the bandwagon for the hell of it, but I feel like you all deserve an explanation and an apology. I know I've been around in chat on and off, and I have been doing CSL stuff, but my writing has become fairly nonexistent the past while.

I really am sorry to my thread partners, and to those who have been waiting on modded threads from me; I feel awful keeping you all waiting so long, but I've been really sick lately. My mental and physical health both have never been the best, but in the past few weeks they've both taken a dive, and I recently found out why. It turns out I have a genetic disease that, in short, causes copper to build up in my body and wreaks havoc on my health.

I'm not trying to play the 'woe is me' card, and I really hope I don't come off as trying to one-up others who have had health issues of late also; I just want to be transparent and honest with you all, as I think you deserve it. It is treatable and manageable, and going forward my health should only get better. That being said, I am going to start getting back into the swing of things. I want to thank you all for your patience, and hopefully now that I know what the problem is and am starting to treat it, I will be more consistent with my posting as I start to feel better and have more energy and motivation.

I don't really want to get more into it than that; if you have any questions about anything, personal or Miz related, you're free to PM me on here or on discord and I'll do my best to answer. Otherwise, you can look forward to me (probably slowly at first) getting back into posting. Modded threads will of course be taking priority, but then I will start hitting up Asterope's posts, especially since Alvadas will be closing soon.

Thank you again for the patience to all of you who have been waiting on me in any way; you're all gems.

~Lumi

[Luminescence]

So with all these weekend challenges we've been doing, I figured it might be fun to compile a little list of websites that encourage writing! Some of us are awesome enough that we don't need the extra nudge, but for those of us that like incentive, I think these are fun little websites.

1. Written Kitten - This one is well-known around here, and many thanks to Antipodes for telling us all about it! It's definitely the one I use most often. Every 'x' amount of words you write, you get a new picture of a kitten! (Or a puppy or bunny)

2. Write or Die - I'm sure this one is fairly well-known as well. It's a bit more severe; more of a punishment system than a reward system. If you stop writing for 'x' seconds, the program will begin to delete your writing; there are all sorts of customization options. (I've linked the latest version which is V3, but I personally prefer V2...I find it much less cluttered)

3. Fighter's Block - This is a bit of a newer one I believe, and it definitely appeals to the gamer in me. You get to set up a little RPG character that fights a monster, and the words you write gradually do damage to your enemy; the goal is to kill the monster before losing all your health.

These are the only ones I know of and use myself as of now; if you know any others, or want to suggest any, by all means please do so!

[Luminescence]

Building good habits...it's not as easy for some people as it is for others. As I'm sure any of you who are Catholic know, it's Ash Wednesday today, which is the beginning of Lent. Now I personally don't observe Lent, because, well...I'm pagan. However, my boyfriend is Catholic.

So even though he knows full well I'm a dirty heathen, he's giving up a few things for Lent, and asked if I wanted to do it with him as a sort of support system. My first response was 'uhhhhhh' because to be honest, the thought wasn't super appealing. But he suggested instead of giving something up, I try to build a good habit by doing something every day until Easter.

I tried to get him involved in Miz awhile back, but unfortunately for a few reasons it didn't end up panning out. Still, he knows how much I love it here, and suggested I try writing something every day. So...for Lent, I guess, (can I say that as a pagan???) I'm going to be trying my best to do at least one post a day.

The religious aspect aside, I think this is actually a pretty good way to try to force yourself into a new good habit, or kick a bad one. Pick something you want to do, or want to stop, and try your best to do it (or not do it) every day for a month. You might not do it perfectly, but if you can do it for a month, you can do it for another, and another, and another...until it becomes natural to you.

I'm sure I'll slow down again after Lent, but I'm hoping it will help me build a habit of posting more consistently; maybe every two or three days. Are any of you doing Lent, or feeling inspired to try and kick a bad habit or build a new good one? I'd love to hear about it if so!

[Itt]

Heeeey, I'm trying to do a post every day as well! I'm not doing it for Lent because I didn't know what day that is and I'm not Catholic, but I did want to get in a good habit of writing since I stopped writing for a year or two and it wasn't good times for me. XD So we'll do a post a day together, Lumi! We got this!

[Luminescence]

Health issues are not an uncommon thing here; a lot of us have them, which is why I think I'm comfortable writing this as a scrap, because I know many of you will understand. I wanted to write this just as a way to get things off my chest, but I figured I would share it here rather than keep it private for a few reasons.

A diagnosis is really a double-edged sword. It is infinitely frustrating to know, on a very basic level, that there is something wrong with your health, but not knowing what it is. A diagnosis tells you that no, you're not crazy; yes, there is something wrong, and now that you know you can treat or manage it. But it's still not an easy thing, because it means you're sick. A chronic diagnosis is even harder, because whatever is wrong is going to stay wrong for the rest of your life.

The other day I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome, or PCOS. Essentially, it is an overproduction of male hormones (primarily androgen) in the body, which results in a whole host of symptoms (one of which is many small cysts on the ovaries, from which the syndrome gets its name).

It is not a death sentence. It is fairly common; it won't kill me, and it won't shorten my lifespan. It will somewhat increase my risk of certain health complications, but the symptoms can be managed. I've been living with it without knowing about it; continuing to live with it will only get easier since now I can start managing my symptoms. And for all of that, I am grateful. Being sick is not the oppression or pain Olympics; the severity of your illness doesn't somehow make it less valid than someone else's, but I'm still aware that it could be so much worse, and I'm thankful that it's not. But it's still something that can take some time to come to terms with.

I've known there was something off about my health for awhile now. I have depression, and am being treated for that; and it has gotten better, but I still had other symptoms. I mention this briefly in a prior scrap, but last year, my doctor suggested I might have a genetic disease called Wilson's disease; I'm still going through testing for that, but even if I do have it, it didn't explain everything I was experiencing.

The symptoms of PCOS matched with what I was experiencing perfectly, so I asked to be tested for it recently; and to hear my doctor tell me that I had it was, at first, a huge relief. When you go awhile without a diagnosis, and with nothing abnormal showing on tests, you really do start to feel like maybe you're going crazy, or you're just not in good enough shape and your symptoms are your own fault.

People who mean well will tell you to eat better and exercise more, and I'm not knocking the importance of a good diet and being active, because they are important; but anyone with a health condition who's heard that advice knows how belittling it feels. It tends not to be given as advice that means 'if you do this, it might help make your symptoms slightly easier to manage', but rather as advice that means 'eating more vegetables and doing yoga will somehow miraculously absolve you of all your health problems'. You know the type. You know...

That type.

So yes, to be told that my poor health wasn't my imagination and that it wasn't my fault was reassuring and a relief. But I'm still struggling to accept the fact that this is something that will affect me for the rest of my life; it's going to require medication and lifestyle changes, and I'm going to have to keep on top of it. Inevitably I've had the thought that this isn't fair, but life often isn't fair. I know that eventually, I'll come to terms with this, and life will go on as normal; maybe a bit different, but it's not the end of the world. But in the meantime, there is still the adjustment period.

Something I think that's really important that my therapist told me, though, and this goes for anyone with health issues, is that I'm not just a patient. When you get diagnosed with something, and when you're running through all kinds of treatments and tests and seeing specialists, it can be easy to forget that. Your life starts to revolve around your health and what's wrong with it, and it becomes a big part of your identity. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that, but I need to remember to take a step back every so often and see myself as more than that; as the person I am, and I need to remember to take care of myself. So, there's a bit of a reminder to anyone reading this who has health issues and might be focused too much on that rather than themselves.

There wasn't much of a point to this scrap; I'm not looking for pity. I just wanted to articulate how I've been feeling for myself more than anything else. I admit, I do feel better having written all of this. I was on the fence about actually posting this after having bothered to write it, but as always I want to be transparent with you all about what's going on with me (though this hopefully will not affect my presence or activity).

I have a lot of studying to do this weekend to finish my midterms, but I may take what little free time I have to try and catch up on the unofficial NaNo going on with my PC; it can be hard to write when I'm going through a rough patch, but Miz is always a good distraction. To those who I owe replies to as a ST, I haven't gone anywhere, and I hope you can understand me being a little bit selfish this weekend. Replies will be my priority come Tuesday evening (midterms will be done then) until I'm all caught up, which should hopefully not take too long. As always, I appreciate everyone's patience and understanding.

~Lumi

[Gossamer]

First off... that's a relief and a horrible thing all wrapped in one.

You hit the nail on the head about why. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. When something is wrong with your health and you don't know what it is, you start questioning your sanity. You start thinking terrible things about yourself; whiner, whimp, weak, etc. You tell yourself to toughen up, but the truth is physically your suffering and its hard to get past that to find normal.

There's also this little demon inside that tells you that you caused this. It tells you that you didn't live well enough, didn't drink enough water, didn't eat enough vegan meals, etc. And I'm the first one to say that little voice in our heads needs to go fuck off.

You can't change what you get. You can only deal with it.

Thus, I hope to hell with this diagnosis you can get as close to what you deem normal as possible and be able live with PCOS and Wilson's Disease in some state of comfort. That's what really matters in life... that whatever we get/acquire/develop we learn more about, figure out how to counteract, and move forward... to live comfortable lives. If we aren't comfortable, we aren't happy.

What you don't speak of in this scrap is the terrible side effects that come with these situations... and it does alter your life. And to some extent your life has to revolve around it. Even in this scrap I see you trying to not have your life revolve around your health... but the truth is without your health you have no quality of life.

So fight it. Talk about it. If you have it, others might learn about these things and gather some tools to fight it as well. I think we tell ourselves that we talk to much about our heath and that people are going to see us as just constant complainers. So the substance lies in how you talk about your health, and not make it an excuse for why you couldn't or what your limits are.

The truth is you can do. You always can. You just have to plan harder, overcome personal challenges, and be more devious than your conditions. That's a huge lesson I've learned this year. I get infusions before important events or if I know I'm working a lot, because I know I'll need the boost to get through. And while I don't drone on about whatever it is that's bothering me... I don't restrict myself from talking about it.

I don't punish myself for what I need more planning to do. I get pissed at myself for using health as an excuse to not do or be lazy. Maybe you can't do everything at once, but big tasks can always be broken down into small things and mountains can be moved small handfuls at a time. Just be plain spoken about it. And you'll find if you approach it that way (which you seriously look like you are) others will feel super comfortable around you and talking with you about what bothers you/them etc.

And remember to be patient with others that are planning around health too. It just takes one friend, one community, one good doctor to give you the boost you need to carry on with the fight. Because as an older person, I can seriously tell you that it doesn't get better. More health issues crop up the older you get. But you are lucky in a way. You are going to have a whole host of tools in your toolbox to deal with aging when that starts happening.

And don't bullshit yourself. It's a fight. The struggle is there day in and day out. I'm glad you were proactive and demanded tests. Most doctors see us 15 minutes a couple times of year for antibiotics when an infection roams around. Unless we get vocal about issues, we never really get help with those issues because they aren't supermen with x-ray vision that can pinpoint cancer or over production of hormones with a single glance. House, the TV Show, ruined us forever because we think doctors can look us over and spot conditions. Truth is.. they are just humans like us. Just be present in the moment, be open about what's wrong if someone generally asks how you are doing... and don't just answer "I'm fine" if those people asking are people that mean something to you. Tell the truth.

How come that is important? If my friend/loved one is suffering, I want to know. I want to help. Can I do something extra for them today? Would they appreciate that? Action is everything. Listening is an action. Dialog can be everything. Ideas get shared. Tools get passed around. We learn... because you never know when knowing about something like Wilson's or PCOS is going to become important. It's not the diseases. It's not the conditions. Its how we handle them. You handle yourself so beautifully. I strive to be more like that.

I learn from Reggie too about diabetes. He doesn't crutch on it, but its part of his identity.... just like Wilson's and PCOS will be part of who you are. My anemia and lykosytosis is part of my identity. I have huge white blood cell issues... and I'm working on it. I'm working on the anemia too. And I might just have solved that issue.... fingers crossed.

Technology changes daily. Literally. You might have things that have no cures, no causes, and no funding thrown at them, but that doesn't mean that situation will last forever. The best medical advice anyone can give is to be your own advocate. Be proactive. Research yourself. Propose ideas to your doctors.

And finally, my medical advice to you:

No shoving Kale up your ass. Take one of those advice happy freaks and instead shove them up the ass of the next advice happy freak behind them in a long line of freaks that will try to tell you all kinds of bullshit that's not even remotely related to your situation and your life. Who knows maybe you'll start a trend and no dumbass advice will be uttered ever again.

I'm probably a little too optimistic about that, eh?

Eat lots of meat; big juicy steak and bacon comes to mind. Who can be depressed when your mackin' down perfect ribeye steak or crunchin' fresh crisp bacon? Sure, depression might come right back after you swallow (especially if the plate is now clean)... but instant gratification and relief is a thing. And finally I personally don't think we should eat lots of Sea Salt... its been found that sea salt has a huge percentage of micro plastics in it. Don't eat plastic. Who the hell knows whats in that? Get your salt from table salt that's mined all over the world. Random I know. But I think its solid medical advice

We love you.

[Solstice]

I don't think it occurred to me how rough of a time you were having Lumi. I heard stuff mentioned every now and again, but compared to the amount of venting I do about my health, I had barely heard anything. I know that you're not me, and we all deal with stress differently, but it might be good for you to vent more, you know? Especially now that you have a diagnosis to lean on. Diagnoses can be purifying in a way, because you can say “I have this” instead of being all “I feel bad but I'm not sure why”. We're always around if you want to talk, and we'll always support you, no matter what!

I had a good laugh at that picture you linked, and it reminded me of something that happened the other day at work that I thought you might enjoy. I had been feeling super crummy because of health stuff, but in addition to that the weather had changed which always makes me feel blah and saps my motivation, I think as a result of the changing pressure. I had talked to a couple of my regulars about my health issues over the past week, and general they had all been really sweet and supportive. But then I had one of my oldest regulars walk in.

She's kind of a trip. She used to work at Starbucks, astoundingly enough, and has always been extremely particular about her drinks. I had an old co-worker who called her “Caramella Du Ville” because of how anal she is about ordering her caramel macchiato. I've known her for as long as I've worked at Sbux, and we generally get along but she's also not my favorite regular by any stretch of the imagination. She tends to dominate conversations, and she's bullied my coworkers before, especially new ones.

So anyways, she walks in and we do our usual “hey, how are you” pleasantries, and I mention I'm not feeling too great. I didn't really want to get into my health issues with her cause I figured she'd probably not get it, so I just mention feeling kind of glum cause of the weather. She gives me this big, wide eyed look and is like “Let me tell you what my mother told me when I was a kid. I promise you, IT WILL WORK”

I'm just like “Uh huh.”

So she tells me, what I need to do is close my eyes, and imagine that it's sunny outside. And then once I've done that, to look outside and imagine that it's sunny. And that will immediately make me feel better.

I say something to the effect of “Oh well I don't think it's really the cloudy sky, I think it has to do with the changing pressure” and she tells me “Then just imagine that the pressure is better!”

I managed to keep a straight face until she walked out, but then I saw my long time coworker grinning at me. I clicked on my headset to talk to him, and said “You hear that <coworker>? I should just try NOT BEING SAD”. We all had a good laugh about it. Well meaning people can sound like the most arrogant and senseless jerks sometimes.