A few things come to mind lately, but I think the best thing was noted by Tock in chat. It was an obscure thing I read logging into Chat, and Tock just said scrapbooks are for anything. You can post anything you like in a scrapbook. It was so revealing and obvious, and I feel pretty dumb for saying it. The whole while I was thinking “Aw, yeah man, I’ll put some cool stuff in here…” and that won’t happen for a while. Also, title failure? It’s not THAT horrible or scary. Well, not yet at least…maybe?
So, anything right? Of course Mizahar’s rules apply still, don’t give me that look. My mind isn’t that corrupt. I’m in a state of reflection for some reason, probably that mind set returning as midsummer sets on and the thought of “holy cow it’s been a year already” is making contact. It’s been my favorite year for a while to remember, for a few reasons. So yeah, reflection…
I’m pretty school smart, or at least can memorize like a beast last minute and get good grades on tests and such. College is going to hurt if I don’t get that together…hehe. High school, in all its horror, is finally over. Senior year wasn’t the hot shyke people make it out to be. For me, I was downright sick of it, really just shocked I was hanging on to my academic habit when everything else just made me uncomfortable. I’m not a genius by any means, but some of the things people in my school said and did… “Why are you allowed to cross the street by yourself if you did THAT?!” Just hateful things come to mind, nothing nice. In some respects it’s justified, but generally speaking I shouldn’t judge so harshly. Different beginnings, you know?
One thing that I felt was always lacking was my writing. It still is, oh so much… Eleventh grade’s course was “American Authors.” We were introduced to the concept of a writing portfolio. “48 hours left? I’ll have it done…” That’s two 4-5 page essays on a school-year long study of an author, the other on the novel we studied in depth for the marking period; then there are two short story responses transferred and “revised” from a class blog sort of thing, and finally two journals* (lots of complaints about THIS, more like rants). Procrastination was ever present, and I didn’t like it. I would go brain dead before the big things were finalized, and basically crapped on the keyboard for the rest if I couldn’t copy, paste, scan over, and live with it. I think the worst part was I had a friend or two up with me each time, and I didn’t feel as guilty. The point is, it was always a bad experience. As always, by the end of the school year it’s like “YES, I GOT THIS” and finally wasn’t up till 3 a.m. for a particular portfolio. That being said, it’s also the end, and there’s no chance to try again. So all the attempts at learning and expanding upon the skill were now useless. If there is a reason to make school a year round event, that’s it. Stay focused.
So, over the four marking periods, the portfolios were shiiiit. I got Bs on them, I think. Yeah, one was 109/120, and they moved up like 2-5 points until the end, or down, who knows, who cares. What really pissed me off –PISSED ME OFF MAN – was the critique each time. My teacher was too busy sugar coating the grade to tell me to get my act together. It’s not her job, but it says a lot to me. It says “I’m done with it” or “I don’t care.” That might be my fault though too, and this goes back to portfolio number 1…
So those journals I mentioned, rather rants, were always an issue for me. We were meant to pick out our two favorite, develop them further, and send it in with the portfolio. Go figure, we read Melville’s “Bartleby, the Scrivener” – or rather “read” as I HATED the story and couldn’t get past a page of it to retain any bit of it, Nihilism is stupid IMO – and a journal we got was “I’d rather not…” Guess what, I’d rather not sit in class and listen to my classmates repeat each other for 47 minutes saying the SAME EXACT THING. The journal submitted was atrocious to look at, absolutely. I went to town on that thing, with page long paragraphs because I didn’t know where I should cut off and start over and such. You want to know what the criticism was towards me? “Maybe you don’t belong in this class.”
My jaw dropped, I was shocked. Honors since I had the chance, working my ass off, for that? Here I am in the class providing my own perspective of a story, or pointing out new things we didn’t mention yet, and I don’t belong here; did you fail to notice how the five kids before me said the SAME EXACT THING WITH NO USEFUL EXPANSION OF THOUGHT “I agree with what so and so said” (the best part is how they forgot the original thought, too worried about their own BS)? You know it’s utter bullshit and you’re telling me I don’t belong here?! Are you out of your mind? Did you not see my academic record? Like hell I don’t belong here! Of all the things to point out in the journal, that, instead of how I could be breaking up the journal or things I lost points for. The students were allowed conference time during study halls and such, so I took the opportunity to see what the hell was up. It was the same sugar coating and I got nothing out of it. The entire meaning of the comment was turned around me. Then again, going to a public high school that was so politically influenced internally, in what was in recent times the most corrupt county of the U.S.A. at the time, I’m not surprised. Goss put it somewhere very blatantly, “People lie” or something along the lines. It’s true, and it’s so frustrating and hysterical to see it right in front of you. Between my mom and myself, we chewed her out and it was just grammatical marks and the “good job” at the end… My writing was stagnant for the whole year. I learned nothing. I read maybe half the crap covered in the course. I used NONE of it later on. Considering this course liked to eat about 2-3 hours of my life every night, I am thoroughly, I mean royally P.O.’ed.
I got the 0.5 slapped on my class GPA for the American Authors course, which helped a bit… I still feel cheated, and it’s… disgusting. English at that high school consumed my life with amount of trivial, crappy busy work I was given. “Find at least five examples of literary devices in each chapter.” What do you want, five imagery examples? The hell? I know what a metaphor is, darling. I don’t need to give you five examples (that was 10th grade but still, ridiculous). I dropped martial arts the year before (10th) because I was so consumed with school work, the only “sporty thing” that really appealed to me. Video games, the raw button smashing kinds, were a vent to me where I produced nothing and now looking back I remember little of. These courses wasted my life, stole things I enjoy from it, and for a measly 0.5 on my GPA I am supposed to think it’s worth it. Yeah, I was fed the bullshit that colleges will be looking at that when they accept me. Nope, it’s still just a number. I could have been set with the 4.0 in the “college prep.” section. I gained some tools, that’s cool, but no one helped my hone my skill to use them. This is just English, people…you don’t want to read my other subject rants…
So now the start of senior year... I forgot the back story almost, yeah… So, my World of Warcraft subscription wore out midsummer of like… 2011. Besides that, my PC cannot handle its mad graphics since the Cataclysm expansion, so I would have paid to crash 5 times a day if I continued. I turned to other games I enjoyed, looking for roleplay and the like, but it wasn’t the same. The old players weren’t there anymore. The new ones were idiots to the letter. Trolls crashed games, or just quit mid story and ruined hours of preparation. It wasn’t worth it anymore. Oh wait…there’s that forum RP Mizahar… I started back up then. Early Tiki is the bookmark for such an event. Just how bad my writing was is there. I was then going into senior year with that background. FML, right? Apparently not…
For the first time since freshman year, I think, I was getting As in English again. The AP course I was taking was the same over and over: novel, READ IT, take notes on it, useless in class discussion to say we’re doing stuff here, objective test, essay test, rise & repeat. I didn’t contribute much more to the discussion this year, but my grades were still up. While I read the novels in front of me, the text starting to blur as I stare at the page for a few seconds, I was also on Mizahar. I was writing about things I liked, or at least what I felt was a good story at that point. I was exploring concepts, trying to express myself, that stuff. I also had the pleasure of writing alongside veteran players and getting a taste of their style too. I think that helped me more than anything ever learned from school. For that, Mizahar, thank you. Thank you Founders for the idea and motivation of creating this electronic behemoth for all other forum roleplays to dwindle in fear of, thank you players and staff for the wonderful experiences to learn and enjoy. We had our ups and downs, absolutely, but I gained more from it than I lost; I hope you have too.
Guys, it’s been a great ride so far. No, I’m not saying good bye. Are you crazy!? Mizahar is a comfort zone of its own. I’m not planning on letting go at all, and know better than to do anything silly that would upset people who think otherwise, hehe. I truly love it here. I’ve left my mark in some places, but I’m not finished. I hope you won’t be either, for a long time, reader.
But this whole rant and reflection comes to a point. I feel like Harvey Dent in saying, “I am Schism.” I know, you’re gasping, even though my secret identity was ripped to shreds in chat the first day. There’s a bit of modly things to do, with that said. To all PCs out there who haven’t had the pleasure, being a Storyteller is one of the just coolest things Mizahar has to offer. You do need to step up to challenges and responsibilities, but it’s so worth it, so worth it. On that note, I’m going to visit some horror stories.
Idk where I’ve read these things, but I know mods get caught up in life, and their own PCs. Some only have two accounts (mod and PC) and are still asking “Where did the day go?” Good sirs and ladies, I have Schism, five other active PCs, and I’m college bound. You see where this is going now…
I need to retire some of these. Rian is dropping dead. His concept, while something to explore, isn’t suiting for me. This leaves Tiki, Valorae, Tiaue`a, and Sashisaxani. I think I’ll be civil about it and go through the PCs individually to see what pros and cons they have to them. Some things I just want to be rid of thought, you know?
Tony teased me one day really bad about Tiki early on. I felt my face burning miles away from his source of thought and commentary. I was so embarrassed, and as you can tell, I link Tiki to some unmentionable times. He’s something special, and I want to take a look at him first. Reader, tune in, because how you see this situation does matter. You’re the person or people I play with. I know there are PCs you enjoy more than others. This post is at an end. Now then for the next phase of evaluating… |