She listened intently to Ximal and, as he spoke, she knew that she was gaining further titbits of information for the later analysing of his character. He was starting to coalesce into a very complex creature, the kind of personality that she liked to deconstruct and piece back together bit by bit. Personalities were so interesting when she considered them, they were constantly changing puzzles ready to be solved multiple times. She was beginning to wonder if one could permanently fix the picture of the puzzle, the personality, with a few well-placed pins. She dismissed such musings for now and concentrated upon his words, noting how his voice altered when he mentioned the word ‘family’ and described the one he had failed to save.
Can he truly think that he can save everyone? That he can even save himself? It’s a romantic notion that shatters when it contacts reality she thought as she wondered why he even tried to make her feel better about her eye, she had come to terms with it years ago.
“On balance I would say that you can’t save anyone from themselves Ximal, but I won’t try and stop you from fulfilling your dream. At you have one, unlike most others in the world,” she told him, pausing briefly in consideration, “I would give you one thing to think on though – what would the scarred do with their new freedom, beyond hate?” she asked him rhetorically.
She finished her beverage again and poured herself the last drabs of the pitcher that was left, weighing up his own question of her and how much she would, or indeed could, tell him. In truth she had no memory of a time when she was not the way she was now, even in the thralls of slavery the love for information had endured – one of the few things they had not been able to beat, shame or rut out of her. It was part of her character in a very intrinsic way and she supposed she had her father to thank for that, though she was grudging in such gratitude. Her goal though, that was a transient concept in the extreme – her goals morphed determined by the given situation.
Do I have an over-arching goal? Perhaps. Would it be wise to tell Ximal? Perhaps not. Such considerations are not safe, nor secure enough yet she told herself, trying to find a way to answer him without, truly answering him.
“Why do I do what I do?” she asked him in return, tone adequately thoughtful for her needs, “the real question is why would I not do what I do” she returned in her usually divisive manner, speckled with enough philosophy as to smooth over the fact that she was not answering him fully yet.
“Knowledge is power, you have heard of this I presume, but what use is power without motive? I have my own motives and they are all well and to the good, but they are for another time and another day – far in the future” she continued between sips of her drink, feeling the general numbing of inebriation begin to afflict her body slowly as the chimes passed.
“My motives are generally dictated by who wants to employ me. Oh, I guard the Spires because there are few here who are dishonest. In other cities though, well then we shall see how honest people are and just how much they will pay me to make their dreams realities. Shallow? Perhaps”
“When it comes down to it Ximal, most of life is an equation where you choose between profit or loss. It happens every day and I’d rather not lose all of the time. I arm myself, therefore, not with steel but with words, secrets and knowledge. With such weapons I can make sure that I am on the winning side, that for now is enough. As to the future – well you will need more than a few drinks to earn that secret, it is very valuable indeed” she told him, finishing her beverage at last.
“For the answer to your second question you need only think about who is in power most of the time Ximal dear, and ask yourself why I would possibly dislike being controlled” she told him, the drink loosening her tongue slightly but not giving away anything she did not wish to.
“My last question for you, Ximal. What will you do if your current goal becomes untenable? That is, do you have a backup? Or can I assume you so filled with wrath that such a thing has never existed?” she asked, her gaze strong now and her curiosity piqued.
It was the last piece of the puzzle she would require for now – she would then have the past, present and the future. From that she could build a few strings which she could pull upon as and when required, if required.