Solo Contemplation

[Azira]

   

90h Fall 513AV

Contemplation was not something that Azira often did but there came an occasion, maybe once or twice in a year where she just felt like thinking deeply about things. Her memory was selective. Some memories would stick permanently in her mind whereas others were elusive. That's why she kept a diary, a place to keep a record of events and thoughts and feelings. A place to store all her memories.

The huntress would never admit to anyone that she actually kept a diary. There weren't that many people that she could admit such a thing to but something that had happened this season had changed things; she had friends now. Well she used the term "friend" loosely and never in the presence of these people but she certainly thought it in her head. The strange circumstances that had lead to such a thing were all recorded in her precious diary, kept safely hidden at the base of the chest at the end of her bed.

Retrieving it, the Avora stroked the beautiful leather cover that had drawn her attention to the book in the first place and gazed at the volume lovingly. It really was a beautiful book and it was such a shame what she had done to it. Opening the first page, she found the small, cramped passages that marked her early attempts at diary writing. Her writing had been awkward looking and childish three years ago but flicking ahead, past all the unpleasant memories, the teen came to rest at the pages from this season. These pages were filled with tiny, cramped writing too but the passages were longer and the handwriting neater and more elegant now.

The girl decided that this season was one worth looking over so she returned to the beginning of Fall. The first few were single line notes, marking hunts and kills. She marked days off in a similar manner but she usually wrote more on them. There were quite a few days however where fairly sizeable passages had been written and so she examined the first lengthy passage, one written on the sixth of Fall.

"I don't believe it, I really don't. I went to the range this evening, just to do a bit of shooting after hunting and the strangest thing happened.

I was standing there shooting targets and I had this strange feeling as if someone was watching me. Turned out that there was but I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw it/her/whatever. A Symenestra! She was just watching me shoot. I'd never seen one before but for some reason I expected them to be more sinister, you hear stories about them after all but she didn't look that way at all. She looked delicate.

So anyway there's this woman standing there watching me, looking for all the world like a knock would shatter her and what did she want from me? Archery lessons! The spider wants to learn how to shoot! You wouldn't think that they'd need anything else to help them catch their food but apparently that's what she wants.

Her name's Drusilla and she's a seamstress (surprise surprise). She offered to make me something in return for lessons and so I went along with it. What have I got myself in for."

Looking at the writing, Azira felt embarrassed to have written such things. Since then she'd discovered how prejudice was and to write such things about a woman that she hardly knew made her feel terribly. The girl resumed her flicking.

x

[Azira]

The date on the next entry of interest made Azira frown. Had that been the day she had met Marrin for the first time? She thought it might have been the eighth of Fall. All she knew for certain was that she had met the hunter a day or two after Drusilla so that just meant sometime after the fifth. She began to read it anyway, dreading that she was right. Sure enough, it was that day which explained the shakiness of her writing; she had been upset. There were also places where the ink was blotchy from her tears.

”I can’t believe it! I’ve cut someone with my knife and not a little cut either but a proper slice into someone’s shoulder. The worse of it is that I don’t even know the person and it would be horrible if he lost the use of his arm just because of me. Me and my petching temper.

I’d had a horrible day hunting so I went to the range to let off a bit of steam and this guy came up to me, a hunter maybe a year or two older than me, and basically told me that I couldn’t shoot. I was furious, of course especially as he lost me an arrow by sneaking up on me like that. So obviously, I bit his head off and he just stood there, full of himself so I slapped him. I couldn’t leave it there though so when he tried to get away from me, I called him a coward but I didn’t think that he’d stand up for himself, I didn’t think he’d lash out at me. He called me a hypocrite and an idiot and so I had to run away and cry.

Like a complete fool, he followed me and I don’t know which of the pair of us was more stupid: me or him. I don’t know why I did it but I started waving my knife around. I couldn’t even see through my tears and I waved a knife around! It just went through his shoulder and then he was just bleeding and I didn’t know what to do. I had to help him to the Infirmary and explain myself but I had to get out of there because I couldn’t bear to watch what they were doing, I just couldn’t.

I’m such a horrible person to do that and then just leave him there. I don’t even know if he’s all right. They could have amputated him for all I know, it certainly looked like that’s what they were doing.

I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t go looking for him. What if he bears a grudge (wouldn’t blame him) and winds me up again? I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt a stranger like that again and a hunter too. What if he can’t hunt anymore because of what I did. Gods, please no!”

It actually surprised her how reading it again made tears well in her eyes. She’d been so scared that day, so terrified by her actions. Reading it reminded her how she’d felt like a monster for doing such a thing. In hindsight, she’d overreacted from the beginning but she just couldn’t control herself around the boy. He didn’t seem to have much self-control in her presence either. Squashing down the hope that swelled up in her at the last thought, she moved to a new page to take her mind off Marrin.

The next event of interest was another shameful one and another one that made her worry about her insane temper. It was the day that she had so nearly ended up being dragged to that Endal’s bed, that’s what she remembered best about it unfortunately. The date was the twelfth of fall.

”What’s wrong with me? Why does trouble always find me? Or do I bring it on myself? I don’t know anymore. I just can’t manage to keep myself out of trouble no matter what.

I got into an argument with an Endal of all people. No, actually I insulted him, which is a million times worse. I just wanted to eat dinner in peace when this big foreign guy came over who wanted to sit with me. I wasn’t going to refuse, foreigner or not. Turned out he was half-Myrian and so he could only really speak Common but I asked him to speak Nari. Then we had a bit of a misunderstanding and I took offence and insulted him. Not one of my better moments.

As I usually do in such situations, I tried to run away and this other Endal stopped me, some guy called Samen. Instead of helping his friend, he decided that he ought to bed me [her writing became particularly shaky here and the huntress had to bring her nose to the page to decipher it] and I panicked. I don’t even know what I did, what I was thinking of doing but I know the foreign Endal, Turrin intervened and saved me.

[Her writing returned to normal again] Turrin offered to bring me hunting sometime and to give me fighting lessons. I hope he doesn’t have any ulterior motives, suppose I’ll have to wait and see.”

It was surprising just how illuminating her diary entries were. She’d very carefully avoided going into detail in some places and had completely forgotten others. Maybe there was a reason why her memory was selective. She’d have to take Turrin up on his offer though. Syveris had suggested as much and Azira trusted the glassworker’s judgement.

x

[Azira]

The next few pages were crammed full of writing that covered a few days. The girl knew what those sections were on and she knew that some of those paragraphs were written a few days after the fact. Those few days had been some of the most upsetting and confusing ones of the season. It had been around the time of the storm and those days had been full of activity. The seventeenth was only a brief recap of everything that had happened, not giving any real indication of her feelings and thoughts at the time. It was just a simple account.

”I had an archery competition with a Yasi called Erade today. I had bragged about my skill with a bow and so she challenged me. I went along with it and offered her a hunting trip on the off chance that she won... which she did. I couldn’t believe it. She was using a new bow as well, she could hardly hold the thing, and she managed to beat me.

I went and found an Endal and hitched a ride to Water Reach. I just could not face anybody. I thought that everybody would just know. It was horrible.”

It was short but it was too the point. She didn’t need words on the page to help her remember the humiliation that she’d felt to have lost to the inexperienced Yasi. She had been devastated and so shaken in her ability that she had developed a shake that had stopped her from shooting a bow. The shaking had only gotten worse the more that she worried about it and the huntress had been terrified that she’d never be able to hunt again. The young woman had been convinced that she’d lose her caste and end up a Chiet, or worse, a Dek.

The girl smiled though when she remembered meeting Kovac. She and the hunter had had a somewhat rocky beginning but he had managed to get her to confide in him. The hunter had helped to restore her confidence in herself and she managed to get her skill back after a day or so of practise. The teen knew exactly how that had all turned out so she skipped over most of it, not wanting to remember the memory connected with the words ”I landed on top of him with my legs spread.” There were just some things too embarrassing to remember.

The woman flicked forward to the short passage on the twenty second. It was only a few lines but the description of the day made her laugh.

”I went to look at the Yasi shoot today. I kind of got an apprentice called Loggan. Caught a rabbit.”
She giggled at the way she had worded it. It was such a casual way of putting it: oh I just did this thing that’s basically a life changing event but it doesn’t matter that much so I’ll just give it a sentence and then talk about my hunt spoils instead. It was nice to have something so laughable in the middle of all the seriousness, especially considering the next entry.

Her smile faltered as she gazed at the words on the page that proved yet again what an absolute bitch she was. Her finger underlined the hunter’s name absently as she considered the incident with Marrin. She knew that she hadn’t written it the evening it happened but the morning after but her horror was still clear.

”I met that hunter again. Turns out his name is Marrin. He came and sat with me at dinner. He was trying to be nice and wanted to clear the air between us. All I could see was that scar that I left on his shoulder from the last time and I don’t know I just remembered everything that he’d said to me, every insult and I threatened him. It wasn’t a light threat either; I threatened to castrate him if he ever dared insult me again. Needless to say, he didn’t take it very well.

He slammed a knife into the table and threatened to pay me back by cutting off my fingers if I carried out my threat, or even if I was a “danger” to his people. He threatened my shooting hand, threatened to take that away from me, the filthy half breed, threatened to make me a Dek! All I could think of was how many men would use me! It was so easy to imagine and it was horrible!

[The ink had begun to be blotchy from this point] He doesn’t even realise what he threatened me with! If Ardel ever found out, he’d come and seek me out on purpose and... No, I can’t even think about it or that bastard Endal, Samen. I had nightmares because of that stupid hunter. Hardly any sleep and then have to go out hunting all day? That just isn’t right. If I find him...I don’t know what I’ll do if I find him to be honest. I don’t know whether to kill him or beg for my fingers. Maybe if the threat weren’t there then I’d have nothing to worry about. Until then I think I’ve got nights of bad dreams stretching far ahead of me.”

It had only happened the day after her meeting with Loggan, the twenty third, yet the tone of the diary entry was completely different. It caused a number of emotions to rise up inside of her: anger, sadness, guilt and regret. She shouldn’t have treated him the way that she had that day. He really had just been trying to make amends yet she’d just been horrible to him. Again. Admittedly, he had answered in kind but that didn’t take the blame away from her.

Why he brought out the worst in her she didn’t know but she’d become far more agitated around him lately and she knew why. The answer was staring back at her from the entry just a few days after that encounter, the day that she’d seen him with that Endal woman. She couldn’t deny the fact and Azira had even written it down, perhaps so that she could accept it but the words were written there quite clearly in her neat script.

”I think I like Marrin.”

It had been a revelation that had horrified her but it was true; she had been horribly jealous. She hated him yet she was also undeniably attracted to him. He was interested in becoming her friend, a real friend. He did not seem to have any ulterior motive, at least no sexual one that the huntress could pick up on. He found her attractive, that much was obvious but he didn’t seem at all interested in acting on it.

The girl sighed forlornly, trying to push the memory of Marrin from her mind but she found the idea of his blonde hair just would not leave her head. It was something that secretly fascinated her. Red hair was the universal sight in Wind Reach so to see gold amongst the burgundy, auburn and fire red was enough to make anyone’s head turn. It was just so...unusual and she just wanted to touch it. It was a strange allure and one that she had only recently discovered. The Avora had not noticed it at all until her trip to the Inclement Weather with Syveris when she bumped into him yet again. It had been maddening and it had only amplified her feelings.

She just hated him for making her like him.

The huntress shook her head violently, as if that would dislodge the thoughts from her brain, and started flicking through pages again.

x

[Azira]

   

Azira considered reading the entry on the twenty seventh, she really did. It was probably the longest entry in the entire diary; her anger and humiliation had made the words flow onto the page. Her writing wasn't as compressed as in former entries, her emotion having made her write faster and so larger than normal. 

The teen knew full well how she had felt that evening. Her eyes had felt like they were going to fall out of head, she was so tired but yet she'd seen him with that Endal woman and it had echoed a past hurt, an old one that shouldn't have affected her still. A boyfriend of hers, a hunter, had gone off with an Endal woman because she had been willing to give him what he had wanted whereas Azira hadn't been. And it that moment, she'd seen Marrin with Wynrie that's exactly what she'd thought of and it had made her want to hurt him. It was bad enough that he had given her nightmares because he dredged up old memories but jealousy as well? No, that had just been horrible.

Her fingers hovered at the corner of the page preparing to turn the page but she was hesitant, uncertain whether or not she should skip over that passage of her life. She only remembered some things, things that had stuck in her mind whereas she would have forgotten others. For that reason, sighing she began to read.

"I can't believe this! Him! Why him?! I don't want to believe it! He's such a horrible, stuck up, condescending little shyke!

I think I like Marrin.

It isn't fair! I was just walking through the Inner Warrens and there he was. He was with some Endal woman. She was showing so much skin that I'm surprised that she even bothered to wear clothes at all! So he was walking around with that and I just couldn't stand it so I called after him of course. That woman just couldn't keep her nose out of our business! He told her that I threatened to castrate him (wish I had!) and that vile thing, ugh! She suggested that I get a cucumber and... I could have ripped her eyes out, would have if she was a Dek or a Chiet, or even an Avora but she's untouchable! Completely untouchable...

But him...I can't believe I have feelings for that. He called me an idiot, a hypocrite, told me that I'd have nobody to care about me when I needed them! And he threatened my fingers! I know what I threatened him with but...my fingers?! And I like that! That blonde git! That arrogant little toe rag! 

Somebody kill me now please before I properly like him. I won't descend to that level, won't even consider that person as anything worthy of me. Why him? Why him of all the people in Wind Reach? He's as bad as every petching man that's ever looked at me funny, who has ever treated me wrongly. I can't want that! I just can't, I'm not that depraved! I feel like hitting something, or screaming or something!

Okay he did call me beautiful and he did come after me when that bitch upset me but that doesn't mean that I have to like liking him, right? I think I'm just going to give myself a headache over this to be honest..."

Maybe she shouldn't have read it. It seemed exactly like she'd remembered it so that hadn't achieved anything really except make her feel a little angry and sad again. Maybe she should just quit while she was ahead and just chuck the diary to the bottom of her chest once more but could she do that? No, she must be a masochist.

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